Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone, I have been a long-time stalker of TAM. My husband and I went through a major rough patch about two years ago. When I met him, he was perfect, attentive, unlike the cheating lying men before him. I knew he watched porn from the beginning, and in the beginning, it was completely fine.

Then it became not so fine anymore. Late nights were spent jerking off to porn instead of coming to bed to please me. Porn became more important to him than me, in my eyes, and that changed my view from it being ok - to becoming a deal breaker.

I gave my husband the dreaded ultimatum - or rather, told him that this hurts me, and that I would work with him to help stop the porn, because it was no longer something I wanted in my life. I also mentioned how if I ever caught him lying to me, while I never said dealbreaker, I did say it wouldn't be good.

Fast forward to today, and he's been porn free for at least a year (Honestly can't remember!) :smthumbup: But, within the time of breaking this habit with him, (and I expected some hiccups, but told him to come to me if he felt he relapsed - and we could talk about it) there was relapses, and unfortunately there were one or two lies (which is out of character for my husband.)

So, now that I have pretty much healed from the "I'm not good enough for him" spectrum, which seems to be the first feeling, and most common, I am still now trying to get over the consistent wondering and trust issues I have. I would say my trust has been brought back to about 80% which I am fairly certain is pretty good, and can only contribute it to my husband, who doesn't and hasn't done anything further to hurt me.

Regardless though, I had a loss of sex drive, I am now what I would consider low-drive, that spark we once had has faded into a big boring mess, and while I love my husband, he betrayed my trust. I need to know if there are any further steps for me to take to help me with what I continue to feel.

This really isn't a (he stopped - everything is all better) type of thing. We usually talk once a week - which was last night. I made sure to tell him I wasn't happy. We haven't had much suuccess in meeting each other's needs lately.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5 Posts
Hi there ImaginationStation. Thanks for posting today and being so honest and open! I think you hit it right on the mark for many wives who have been through the pit of porn with their hubbies, found some healing (yay!), and now wonder if the problem has drifted back in or intimacy is "different". I feel for you, but appreciate your courage to ask others for help.

I have 2 suggestions - seek out the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. Maybe your library has it. And... would your husband consider going to Counseling? even as a couple? It may be helpful to have a neutral person ask the hard accountable questions and a good counselor can also help with the healing process and getting back to a strong, vibrant marriage you both want.

Hope this helps! Take care! -Mother of 3 Blessings
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,523 Posts
How do you know for sure that he stopped? Do you have access to all his stuff? The computer, his phone etc? He could be deleting history etc. I'm not saying he hasn't stopped for sure because he may have, but sometimes people with porn issues don't just stop, they just get better at hiding it. If you find out he was still doing it, then you need to follow through on your ultimatum and end it.

As far as trust goes, that is something that will take time. I think some peoples trust gets fully restored while some peoples trust never really gets back to 100%.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
786 Posts
So, you wanted him to come to bed and please you, which ultimately he has done, and now you don't feel any desire for him?

As I see it, you made porn a big issue, used it as a way to control his behaviour and are now punishing him for allowing himself to be controlled by you.

You strike me as the problem in this relationship. Sorry.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Accipiter777

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
Could you explain how you lost trust in him? You knew he watched porn, you were okay with it, then it obviously became a problem, you addressed it and so he stopped now for over a year. It seems he has done the right thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,058 Posts
So, you wanted him to come to bed and please you, which ultimately he has done, and now you don't feel any desire for him?

As I see it, you made porn a big issue, used it as a way to control his behaviour and are now punishing him for allowing himself to be controlled by you.

You strike me as the problem in this relationship. Sorry.
She stated that he chose porn over her. HE was the problem. She didn't lose her drive for him until AFTER the issues came up. While it may be more of a self control issue than a porn issue...it is still HIS issue and not hers. Since a marriage involves more than one person, he needs to get a hold of his issue and straighten it out; just as she needs to get a hold of her issue and straighten it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,058 Posts
Could you explain how you lost trust in him? You knew he watched porn, you were okay with it, then it obviously became a problem, you addressed it and so he stopped now for over a year. It seems he has done the right thing.
I think she means that when he began to lie about it and choosing not to have sex with her she lost trust that seems hard to get back. That can diminish emotional and physical trust someone has in their partner.

IF he truly stopped, then at this point, it is her own resentment that is the issue. She has to get over that before anything else can go forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
If that's the case then it's been a year OP and if he as gone back to the wonderful man you married then your best bet is getting into MC and figuring out on how to let go of the resentment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
355 Posts
Imagine-

I can empathize with the ramifications that lack of trust can bring.
I don't agree with some of the others than what to make it a HIS or HERS issue. You are married, it is conflict that you both need to overcome together, taking 100% of what you're responsible for in this dynamic.

I would recommend watching a TEDTalk by Brene Brown on vulnerability. It really speaks to the spectrum of emotions and feelings that being vulnerable brings about.

On one end, you have shame and fear (fear is where your focus may be with regard to being sexual with your husband)....but on the other end brings joy and connection (this is where you need to change your focus toward).

As difficult as it may seems, focus on loving your husband...by showing him physical love and touch...

It sounds like he has done a lot of hard work himself in loving you by removing porn from his repertoire.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
I feel I can speak on this one. My husband crushed me, destroyed me with his porn and his need for lying, 13 years. I have had 13 years of promises that lasted for sometimes a day. It destroys the wife and until the man truly is convicted on his own, it wont matter to him what he has done to his wife. People just dont understand what porn does to both the man and the wife. It is just as bad and really, it is worse than if he had cheated with someone. And, you dont really know if he has cheated with a live woman or not. Porn destroys what the man thinks of his own wife. It is his only way of dealing with the sins he is committing. His own brain will turn against his wife. She is left trying to pick up the pieces and he is not able to feel a thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
I feel I can speak on this one. My husband crushed me, destroyed me with his porn and his need for lying, 13 years. I have had 13 years of promises that lasted for sometimes a day. It destroys the wife and until the man truly is convicted on his own, it wont matter to him what he has done to his wife. People just dont understand what porn does to both the man and the wife. It is just as bad and really, it is worse than if he had cheated with someone. And, you dont really know if he has cheated with a live woman or not. Porn destroys what the man thinks of his own wife. It is his only way of dealing with the sins he is committing. His own brain will turn against his wife. She is left trying to pick up the pieces and he is not able to feel a thing.
(I saw a post of you on another thread and I wonder why you have no thread of you own?)

On the porn issue I would like to react that what you say is very exaggerated. Factual not true.

In OP's case for instance I could see that the porn is not the cause but the consequence of a bad sex life in the marriage. So stopping the porn would be of no use and lead to more resentment to each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,512 Posts
(I saw a post of you on another thread and I wonder why you have no thread of you own?)

On the porn issue I would like to react that what you say is very exaggerated. Factual not true.

In OP's case for instance I could see that the porn is not the cause but the consequence of a bad sex life in the marriage. So stopping the porn would be of no use and lead to more resentment to each other.
I beg to differ. Her feelings on the matter of porn are NOT exaggerated. It happens to A LOT of wives.. My husband and I sex life was pretty hot. You can give them what ever they want in bed and they will still watch porn and choose it over you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
354 Posts
I beg to differ. Her feelings on the matter of porn are NOT exaggerated. It happens to A LOT of wives.. My husband and I sex life was pretty hot. You can give them what ever they want in bed and they will still watch porn and choose it over you.
If a husband chooses porn over sex with his wife, then there is definitely some type of problem in the relationship. The question is - did the porn cause the problem? - or, did the problem cause the use of porn use in lieu of having sex with wife? I think most of the women on her complaining about husband’s porn use know the answer.

In my younger days (age 20s 30s), I used porn to get off for two reasons - first, wife sex drive did not keep up with mine, second, I travelled allot - I was a very HD person. Now (age 51), I do not get off to porn at all - my wife satisfies me completely - and actually, I am having to keep with her higher sex drive now. I actually will look at porn once and a while just to get my juices flowing so that I am ready for my wife - but, that's it. Masturbation in lieu of sex with my wife just does not get it for me anymore.

By the way - my wife may have known that I looked at porn - but we never talked about it - she was just not threatened by it. As long as I satisfied her - she was happy. I will tell you - when she did initiate (which used to be maybe 10% of the time) - I was always ready! Even in my younger days - I would make sure I was ready for her always - only used porn to get off if I knew there was zero percent chance of getting lucky.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
How do you know for sure that he stopped? Do you have access to all his stuff? The computer, his phone etc? He could be deleting history etc. I'm not saying he hasn't stopped for sure because he may have, but sometimes people with porn issues don't just stop, they just get better at hiding it. If you find out he was still doing it, then you need to follow through on your ultimatum and end it.

As far as trust goes, that is something that will take time. I think some peoples trust gets fully restored while some peoples trust never really gets back to 100%.
Yes actually, I do have access to everything. I'm very good with computers, and have his permission to check whenever I need to, but seldom need to, and when I do, it's because of my issues due to the previous problem, not his.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
I think she means that when he began to lie about it and choosing not to have sex with her she lost trust that seems hard to get back. That can diminish emotional and physical trust someone has in their partner.

IF he truly stopped, then at this point, it is her own resentment that is the issue. She has to get over that before anything else can go forward.
Which is why I asked for help in the forum with my issues, not his. Thanks for your reply!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
If a husband chooses porn over sex with his wife, then there is definitely some type of problem in the relationship. The question is - did the porn cause the problem? - or, did the problem cause the use of porn use in lieu of having sex with wife? I think most of the women on her complaining about husband’s porn use know the answer.

In my younger days (age 20s 30s), I used porn to get off for two reasons - first, wife sex drive did not keep up with mine, second, I travelled allot - I was a very HD person. Now (age 51), I do not get off to porn at all - my wife satisfies me completely - and actually, I am having to keep with her higher sex drive now. I actually will look at porn once and a while just to get my juices flowing so that I am ready for my wife - but, that's it. Masturbation in lieu of sex with my wife just does not get it for me anymore.

By the way - my wife may have known that I looked at porn - but we never talked about it - she was just not threatened by it. As long as I satisfied her - she was happy. I will tell you - when she did initiate (which used to be maybe 10% of the time) - I was always ready! Even in my younger days - I would make sure I was ready for her always - only used porn to get off if I knew there was zero percent chance of getting lucky.
I'll tell you what, in our case, The problem caused the porn, which caused a different but equally greater problem. The first problem affected him which caused him to escape into porn use, and that eventually caused a problem with me when he lied to me and started making me feel like ****.

Does that make sense? Now, while I have forgiven him for all of his issues regarding porn, I still can't forget, and sometimes that gets to me, which is what I was asking for help with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
For those wondering what the big problem was with porn, here are my answers, because there was more than one.

- He would jerk off to porn when there was a woman who would wait for him in bed.

- He lied to my face about watching it and he got caught. Coming from a man who I truly believed would never lie to me in the beginning, HUGE disappointment that now sometimes leaves me wondering.

- At one point, we just moved, and we hadn't had internet for a week, the night we got internet, he told me to go to bed (tried to confine me to the bedroom) so he could have fun time with his computer. I walked out that night and wasn't sure whether to come back.

- Would at times view me as a sexual object, in one instance even continuing when I plainly told him NO. Which resulted in past feelings of being raped being brought back up to the surface.

There are probably more examples I can show, but when this all started, that is when I started having a problem with him watching porn. It destroyed me for about a year. Also deprived me of many happy feelings that I was supposed to enjoy being pregnant. Also ruined my sex drive, I lost lust for him, and it's extremely difficult to get back.

I think the progress we have both made together is fantastic so far, but we both still have issues. I think he resents me for making him stop, and I still have problems with giving him my body.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
For those wondering what the big problem was with porn, here are my answers, because there was more than one.

- He would jerk off to porn when there was a woman who would wait for him in bed.

- He lied to my face about watching it and he got caught. Coming from a man who I truly believed would never lie to me in the beginning, HUGE disappointment that now sometimes leaves me wondering.

- At one point, we just moved, and we hadn't had internet for a week, the night we got internet, he told me to go to bed (tried to confine me to the bedroom) so he could have fun time with his computer. I walked out that night and wasn't sure whether to come back.

- Would at times view me as a sexual object, in one instance even continuing when I plainly told him NO. Which resulted in past feelings of being raped being brought back up to the surface.

There are probably more examples I can show, but when this all started, that is when I started having a problem with him watching porn. It destroyed me for about a year. Also deprived me of many happy feelings that I was supposed to enjoy being pregnant. Also ruined my sex drive, I lost lust for him, and it's extremely difficult to get back.

I think the progress we have both made together is fantastic so far, but we both still have issues. I think he resents me for making him stop, and I still have problems with giving him my body.
You really have other problems that porn. Porn is like the drug or alcohol he grabs for when feeling frustrated, but not the root of the problems you have.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
You really have other problems that porn. Porn is like the drug or alcohol he grabs for when feeling frustrated, but not the root of the problems you have.
If you seem to know that we have other problems, you surely have some insight on what you may think they are. I found your post unhelpful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
354 Posts
I'll tell you what, in our case, The problem caused the porn, which caused a different but equally greater problem. The first problem affected him which caused him to escape into porn use, and that eventually caused a problem with me when he lied to me and started making me feel like ****.

Does that make sense? Now, while I have forgiven him for all of his issues regarding porn, I still can't forget, and sometimes that gets to me, which is what I was asking for help with.

Addictions by a spouse - no matter what the medium is - causes damage to those around them. Let's see: You were cheated on (yes - when a spouse decides to get off on porn when willing wife is there lonely - this IS CHEATING); Your husband when he was having sex with you was changed due to over porn use as I see it - he was looking at things that put him in a place sexually that was NOT NORMAL - this damaged you; Your Husband raped you - yes - when a husband forces himself on you - that is rape.

Conclusion: You are damaged mentally. I as a man would be damaged mentally if my wife did that to me.

I am not a psychologist - but, I do know that you have to take steps - if you still love your husband - to repair the damage. I know you understand that this will not happen overnight. I see that your husband is trying to abstain form porn - and he must. But, he is damaged as well - the mind is a powerful thing and I will tell you that him quitting is very - very difficult - just like quitting alcohol or cigarettes - maybe ever harder.

Please consider going to counseling.

I do know - that you internally have not forgiven your husband - the steps to forgiveness are many - councilor can help you. I know that you will need to gently confront your husband - he must know ALL that he has done to you and MUST apologize and repent (NEVER EVER GO THERE AGAIN!!) I know communication is key. But - beyond that I am not a specialist and know that you need therapy - but - if you do this - I think you can get to an even better place with your husband than you have ever been before. Not going to be easy and you are really going to have to want it.

Good luck.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top