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Hello, everyone! I’m new to the forum. I’m seeking some unbiased advice. My husband I have celebrated multiple Thanksgivings together and have always seemed to make things work. But ever since we got married last year, I get really upset when he leaves me to go spend time with his family on Thanksgiving.

My husband is really laidback, and normally plays the day by ear—which drives me nuts! I would love to balance the day between both of our families, but both parties eat late dinners. I also do a good amount of the cooking, so I don’t have the flexibility to leave like he does. He normally doesn’t even tell me he’s going until 10-15 minutes before he’s leaving. It’s been really upsetting me the past two Thanksgivings we’ve had as a married couple. I think it’s odd and unnatural for us to spend the holiday apart.

I tried to express this to him on multiple occasions to no resolve. I brought up creating a schedule for the day and even alternating who we spend it with from year to year. He’s pretty fixed in his decision that’s he’s spending time with his family that day whether I’m with him or not. It hurts my feelings so much. I got so mad today and just let him do it to save my breath. I was surrounded by my family today but felt so lonely. The one person I wanted to spend the day with the most ditched me for his cousins house.

I also don’t want my husband’s family to see my absence as being rude either. I just don’t know what to do. My husband seems to have no issue with this, and has even said that he’ll still split the time even when we have children. I feel so unimportant.

Any advice? Thank you for your time and input.
 

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Discuss this issue with someone in his family so that they know what's going on, how you feel about it and so that maybe they will help with a solution. Does this happen at Xmas as well.
 

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He sounds very selfish. Most families agree to alternate each year or go to one for lunch and one for tea say. Could one of the family agree to eat earlier so you can do that? The thing is that you knew this before you married him. Do both families expect you to visit?
 

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You say before you got married everything seemed to work. What did you do before you got married? And yes does this happen at Christmas too?

Also you were at your family's house when he decided to leave and spend time with his family. How long had you been there? Why not go with him?

If you had been there for 4 hours and then switched that seems reasonable whether dinner had taken place or not. If you were there for 5-15 minutes then not reasonable.

Either way it should be something you can talk about and schedule. IF neither family is going to switch dinner time you'll just have to enjoy family time without dinner at one house or the other. Which is fine too.

Also does either family 'watch' TV or football for thanksgiving. I know I get bored to tears at my in-laws because after 30 minutes of chatting we have to watch some boring movie. Is he leaving when there is not actual talking or interacting going on?

What would he say if he were heere. You say that he says he's going to spend time with his family no matter what on Thanksgiving. Well spending time with family is a good thing. What time where you planning on going to his family's house and how much time would that have made the spit between your family and his family?
 

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I see you are in the US. Do you live in some super super remote area with no covid cases that he's going to relative's houses with no discussion about exposure 🤔?
 

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Can you host it at your house and invite both families to your place?

It is wierd to me that he'd go alone to his family. Do you have any issues with his family?

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You need to think twice before you have kids with this guy. He just doesn't sound like he's all in. he sounds like he's only in if he gets to do everything he wants to do the way he wants to do it and doesn't have any respect for you.
 
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