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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
To all who have sighed, rolled their eyes, given advice and felt I didn't take it, etc... it's over.

Due to his cell service and lack of communication any other way, I sent him a lengthy email and quoted from a previous one we'd batted back and forth after our 'talk' about him having to fix himself. I told him he wasn't fixing, he was healing and not his fault but I needed to know the rules and him becoming more and more distant made it obvious.

I told him I was going through a lot of the same stuff (dog dying, job upheaval, holidays, etc.) but with most couples they lean on each other, not push them away. I said I had asked for boundaries but he wouldn't give them. Gave him specific examples and concluded that I had deserved to know 'the rules'.

I said the fact he didn't introduce me to friends, hang out on weekends with him, invite me to his church or on weekend trips that weren't guys only (went to stay with married people) it was obvious he didn't put me in that category as a gf/keeper and him saying it was because he didn't want his STBXW to know he had a gf because of his divorce settlement has ZERO legal bearing because they were physically separated and has no impact on equitable distribution in our state.

Told him he'd be OK and make it through, we all do. And joked that now I'm stuck with a brand new bottle of gin and I don't even like gin.

So it's over. Thanks to all who tolerated pissing and moaning.
 

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I'm so proud of you.

I know you would have rather things worked out, and this hurts.

You are obviously a very special woman. You deserved to be treated that way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
If he realizes he made a huge mistake, I expect big changes. If he doesn't, I move on. I think everyone deserves love and happiness. It's not about being special. I only need to be special to one person and I DO deserve that.
 

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Yay, EW! It is hard to move on, and I'm glad that you are no longer giving your emotional energy to that sorry-ass man who could not whole-heartedly commit to you. Now go find someone awesome! It is worth the effort.
 

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You let him off the hook (not a criticism of you)... he obviously did not have the "balls" to tell you straight. "Beating around the bush" and being vague on these issues from a male perspective is a clear sign (at least to me), that he lost interest but did not have the guts to call it off. Essentially you are better off without him. I will echo what others have said, you have more to offer than this guy could handle. Take Care
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The dude was married?
NO (Jellybean will argue) they had been separated with no hope of R when I met him. She was a WW and is still seeing the OM (who does happen to also be married - he wants to expose once the divorce is final).

I really really hate that in this state you have to be physically or legally separated for a year before you can file for divorce.
 

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He'll look back later and wish he had handled everything differently. But....he's gonna need another year or so to clear the rest of the demons out of his head. You did the right thing for you and at this point in the game that is all that matters.

So, since you are free this weekend, where should we go?
 

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Something new will come your way. Clean out your emotional and physical space, and hold your intentions clear in your heart <3

Don't you dare return that dress, you will probably need it for New Year's!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Something new will come your way. Clean out your emotional and physical space, and hold your intentions clear in your heart <3

Don't you dare return that dress, you will probably need it for New Year's!
I got one for New Year's, too.:eek: I couldn't help it! I needed one for VP retirement party and found two more I had to have! :D black and navy retro mid-calf taffeta for Christmas and short, sleeveless v-neck sequined w/ sheer overlay for New Years! :D

So Paradise - which dress do you prefer? :p
 

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I got one for New Year's, too.:eek: I couldn't help it! I needed one for VP retirement party and found two more I had to have! :D black and navy retro mid-calf taffeta for Christmas and short, sleeveless v-neck sequined w/ sheer overlay for New Years! :D

So Paradise - which dress do you prefer? :p
Take more pics... ;) Always eye candy to see a beautiful woman in a dress.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He'll look back later and wish he had handled everything differently. But....he's gonna need another year or so to clear the rest of the demons out of his head. You did the right thing for you and at this point in the game that is all that matters.

So, since you are free this weekend, where should we go?
Sun or snow? :)
 

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I got one for New Year's, too.:eek: I couldn't help it! I needed one for VP retirement party and found two more I had to have! :D black and navy retro mid-calf taffeta for Christmas and short, sleeveless v-neck sequined w/ sheer overlay for New Years! :D

So Paradise - which dress do you prefer? :p
Oh my....Well, I'll have to see you in both! However, I can tie you up with the sheer overlay at midnight on New Years!:smthumbup:
 

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Enjoli.... C'mon down to FL and we will go trolling together! Perfect solution! We would have a blast!!!!

AND we could take pictures and make all the guys drool and wish they were here!!! LMAO

BTW, off topic

DRE I realized the way I type must make you crazy so im being careful to actually SPELL OUT words!
 

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To all who have sighed, rolled their eyes, given advice and felt I didn't take it, etc... it's over.

Due to his cell service and lack of communication any other way, I sent him a lengthy email and quoted from a previous one we'd batted back and forth after our 'talk' about him having to fix himself. I told him he wasn't fixing, he was healing and not his fault but I needed to know the rules and him becoming more and more distant made it obvious.

I told him I was going through a lot of the same stuff (dog dying, job upheaval, holidays, etc.) but with most couples they lean on each other, not push them away. I said I had asked for boundaries but he wouldn't give them. Gave him specific examples and concluded that I had deserved to know 'the rules'.

I said the fact he didn't introduce me to friends, hang out on weekends with him, invite me to his church or on weekend trips that weren't guys only (went to stay with married people) it was obvious he didn't put me in that category as a gf/keeper and him saying it was because he didn't want his STBXW to know he had a gf because of his divorce settlement has ZERO legal bearing because they were physically separated and has no impact on equitable distribution in our state.

Told him he'd be OK and make it through, we all do. And joked that now I'm stuck with a brand new bottle of gin and I don't even like gin.

So it's over. Thanks to all who tolerated pissing and moaning.
You were in a similar situation as I am/was. I met someone about 7 months ago. Very decent guy in a lot of ways, generous, super kind. The problem was he was not emotionally available. I think you know my whole Mr. Unavailable story from the ladies lounge. I went on a few rants. I'd get disappointed in his behavior, not contacting me as much as I wanted etc. So, I took a 6 week break. It was tough, I missed him a lot, but I also went on dates, and that really helped me realize that I really didn't need to make him a priority any longer. We started contacting after the 6 weeks, and things were different for me this time. I told him I was dating, and I know he's not super keen about it, but says nothing. He's more into seeing me now, answers my texts more readily, I guess he figures he'll lose a good thing...lol. I'm not sure how long your're guy was separated, but mine has been separated for over a year, and I have to say I see a huge difference in the last few months from when I first met him. There should be progression to their healing, and we aren't in charge or responsible for it.

So, I'm glad you made a decision, staying in limbo sucks. Start dating other people, nothing serious, just going out and taking your mind off of him. When you meet someone who's available, you'll see the difference, they're more communicative, and they want you to meet their friends and family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
What's funny is since I sent him the email and outlined what I needed and expected and wasn't getting and... let it open ended but I'm sure he gets the idea - he has posted to me and my daughter in FB (in a fun way), he has sent me a text message and plans to reply in full later.

AND I DON'T CARE! Not that I don't care about HIM - but if it doesn't work out I'm ok. :) I know I can't fix him and I told him what I needed and expected and that I can't be in limbo.

I put myself first and whatever the fallout, I'm good with it. I'll read your story.
 

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Enjoli

Without knowing what he said, sounds more like he just wants you to be some back up plan (limbo) for some later point in his life. I know you still care about him somewhat and I understand; time invested. But, I can say this as a third person which again is no judgement you - he is spineless. All that earlier discussion about real men. Real men come clean with their commitments. Take Care.
 

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Your needs are real and it's good to advocate for them. If they can't be met in a relationship, that's about the size of things. You know you gave it the opportunity and it just didn't fly. Sometimes two people can be perfectly themselves, solid gold at heart but the way they relate when together just doesn't work. At the beginning of a relationship, most people are not really settled in to being truly themselves...it does take a while, takes some exploration and trial and error and honesty with oneself. I think it's really difficult to put on the selfish hat in a relationship, that is to look at whether your needs are getting met. But it really is necessary. I find that over time and having gone to therapy, and getting down to the business of really attending to my needs in my own day to day life, I'm much more aware in a relationship of any kind, what kind of needs are being met, and to what degree, also I'm more aware of the needs that I fill in any relationship (of any kind) and how best to give of myself in those.

I wouldn't consider this relationship a failure. You did contribute positively to each other's lives in some way...when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. Change is always traumatic...I find it helps just to accept change as traumatic, and to try not to blame the trauma on anything other than generally being pissed off at the hard work of change and the human adjustment to it (that takes time and elbow grease, mental and physical.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Oh my....Well, I'll have to see you in both! However, I can tie you up with the sheer overlay at midnight on New Years!:smthumbup:
LOL the sheer part doesn't come off - it's part of the dress - lets the sparkle come through while keeping the dress from being too bling-y :p
 
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