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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry guys, I typed this in before but it hasnt shown up. To put it as briefly as possible. My partner and I were in mostly a distance relationship for nearly 3 years. I moved over to another country to be with him 5 months ago, we were so much in love. It was stressful living with someone again as I found him stressful to live with plus he has issues ongoing re his daughters and ex wife but we were working our way through them. I shouldnt have but I looked in his mobile phone (only time ever) and to my shock and horror I seen text messages to his ex. Let me explain she was his ex a woman he was seeing while married. In his defence if there is any, his ex wife was mentally ill and he took refuge in an affair with this other woman whom he admitted he fell deeply in love with. They broke up when she told him she wouldnt leave her husband for him (yes she was married). After he divorced his wife I started dating him. I always made it clear that I would be highly uncomfortable with any contact with this woman (with his ex wife no problem at all). He said he respected that but sometimes bumped into her in the local village and would have to be polite and say hi. the last text was a drunken one where he said he had been to a business do and seen a woman like her she replied that she thought they shouldnt be texting anymore as he was with me 'now' (yes living with him but had been with him 3 years). He replied that he couldnt help it 'miss you, especially in ..... (where they used to meet). 5 weeks prior to that he sent one were he was reminisicing about swimming naked with her in the Caribbeaan. She replied that she was on holidays in Portugal and he reminded her to 'rub Factor 30 suncream on her nipples' Sorry for the rant and for it being explicit.. I was shocked. I didnt confront him as I was shell shocked and left him saying that I couldnt cope with the stress of the relationship. I only confronted him when I got back home over the phone and he aplogised and said it was so very stupid and she means nothing to him. He is heartbroken (as am I) and is begging for me to give him another chance. I just cant seem to forget or forgive (at present) and not sure I ever can. Should I.....?
 

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You are going by what he tells you. Do you honestly think if his wife was mentally ill he would trust her with his children? He fed you that [email protected] to take guilt off of himself......excuses. The affair? There is no defense. And as far as his affair partner, she is still in his life, and they are talking in a sexual nature. He is pursuing and she is playing hard to get. The door is still open there. I would leave him and find a respectable man if I were you.

I'm curious......What makes him stressful to live with?
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your reply..Stressful to live with in that he seems to have to always be predicting what will upset his daughters (because of their mother). To the point he asked if it came down to it would I 'step aside' from his nephews wedding if the ex wife and mother of his big daughters was upset if she couldnt go., I said I couldnt reconcile that as I was his partner now living with him and had 'stepped aside' in the past. He is incredibly protective of his daughters because of their stressful childhood. His ex wife was mentally unstable as I knew quite a few people who knew her. He has been bombarding me and my sister with texts and emails trying so very hard to get me back, I know he loved me deeply and vice versa. I am ringing him in 2 days (Iasked for no contact so that I could let the fog clear) and have almost decided it is over. I loved him so much and still do and him me.. why did he contact his ex, I am terribly upset and cant believe that he could do it...
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sorry not making sense here.. the woman he had the affair with, her husband as far as I know never knew about their affair.. What I cant understand is that if 'she means nothing' and that they were now friends why would he text her back and forth..I am so upset and disappointed in him. His excuse is that it was incredibly stupid, he will never have contact with her again and that because she doesnt matter to him they could have that sort of comms!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I know.. I am not overly concerned by his ex wife at all, the problem was the contact he shouldnt have had with the woman he had a long affair with..
 

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I wouldn't go back. He is not honest about any of this and these are big changes that you are making, moving back and forth. You really can't trust him. You say he was deeply in love with the married OW & now he's deeply in love with you. It sounds like he falls deep pretty easily....

The smart you will stay put and try to move on, in my opinion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I wouldn't go back. He is not honest about any of this and these are big changes that you are making, moving back and forth. You really can't trust him. You say he was deeply in love with the married OW & now he's deeply in love with you. It sounds like he falls deep pretty easily....

The smart you will stay put and try to move on, in my opinion.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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it is just heartbreaking as I have fried my brain trying to believe it can be resolved and we can move forward but I just can't believe he has been so stupid and I feel so betrayed. He keeps saying nothing sexual happened between them but can I believe this either and does it matter..?:(
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He keeps saying nothing sexual happened between them but can I believe this either and does it matter..?:(
It only matters if you go back to him. Think about it. He told you nothing sexual happened between them.......2 adults who swam naked in the Caribbean.
 

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Yes, but you can't believe him. You simply will always have doubts because you know him to be a liar. This is a terrible way to commit to someone. It will drive you crazy much of the time & then it could explode in your face if it turns out that he continues to stay in touch with her. Even if he convinces you that he is faithful, you will never be 'all in.'

If you are logical and smart, you will see the writing on the wall and break this off. I know that the heart wants what it wants, though, so I won't put my money on you staying away from him. If/when he really convinces you to return, just remember that you are looking at a future of doubt and pain.
 

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I shouldnt have but I looked in his mobile phone (only time ever) and to my shock and horror I seen text messages to his ex.
Sounds like you didn't trust him in the first place and your gut feeling was right as gut feelings usually are.

They broke up when she told him she wouldnt leave her husband for him (yes she was married). . . I always made it clear that I would be highly uncomfortable with any contact with this woman. . . the last text was a drunken one. . . she replied that she thought they shouldn't be texting anymore. . He replied that he couldnt help it 'miss you, especially in ..... (where they used to meet). 5 weeks prior to that he sent one were he was reminisicing about swimming naked with her. . . he reminded her to 'rub Factor 30 suncream on her nipples'
He does this after you told him you would be uncomfortable if he had contact with her?

. . . To the point he asked if it came down to it would I 'step aside' from his nephews wedding if the ex wife and mother of his big daughters was upset if she couldnt go. I said I couldnt reconcile that as I was his partner now living with him and had 'stepped aside' in the past. .
This is outrageous GRRR!

He has been bombarding me and my sister with texts and emails trying so very hard to get me back, I know he loved me deeply and vice versa. . .
Angie I don't mean to sound harsh because you are hurting so much, but who does all of the above if they love someone deeply? You moved countries to be with him - not easy, you supported him with his family dramas and he asked you to make yourself scarce to suit them? He may seem contrite now but don't forget the OW says she is not interested any more. Can't say the same for him.

It sounds as if you have already made up your mind and want confirmation from posters. You don't have children I take it? If you can go back to your own country ASAP this will be a great help in putting it behind you because of the distance. You can do SO much better and it doesn't sound as if it was much fun living with him anyway. His family aren't going to disappear and he was already making you play second fiddle to them. A partner should be 'top shelf' and you have been anything but that. From what you wrote I have one word for you. RUN!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Sounds like you didn't trust him in the first place and your gut feeling was right as gut feelings usually are.


He does this after you told him you would be uncomfortable if he had contact with her?


This is outrageous GRRR!
























Thanks for all your input. I have two grown sons who give no bother. I have already left and am ringing him to tell him it is completely over and there is to be no contact,I have had enough of stress and know I will live in doubt and suspicion..


Angie I don't mean to sound harsh because you are hurting so much, but who does all of the above if they love someone deeply? You moved countries to be with him - not easy, you supported him with his family dramas and he asked you to make yourself scarce to suit them? He may seem contrite now but don't forget the OW says she is not interested any more. Can't say the same for him.

It sounds as if you have already made up your mind and want confirmation from posters. You don't have children I take it? If you can go back to your own country ASAP this will be a great help in putting it behind you because of the distance. You can do SO much better and it doesn't sound as if it was much fun living with him anyway. His family aren't going to disappear and he was already making you play second fiddle to them. A partner should be 'top shelf' and you have been anything but that. From what you wrote I have one word for you. RUN!
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Angie, you are doing the right thing.

You will only have a future with him full of suspicion and playing second fiddle to his daughters and ex. I am glad to read you are not choosing that road. It is a miserable and stressful road filled with insecurity and uncertainty.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I have realised this after I had space and time to think..the shock of realising the life you thought you were going to have with someone you loved so much was not built on trust is huge..and I cannot see myself fully trusting or being totally 'in' the relationship again so the best thing to do is move on and heal..thx
 
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