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Discussion Starter #1
Hello! So my live in boyfriend who has a history of cheating I think may be at it again. Because of his cheating I've developed a tendency to check our cell phone records and his phone because I don't trust.

Well just recently I saw a text from his former boss/partner saying "how come you never want to hang out? I can stop asking". When I asked him he said because they are always inviting him to happy hour and he never goes. Ok, that sounded sort of legit. It made me "aware" though and I've been checking alot lately.

Well sweetest day weekend her and him had texted a ton on Friday night and through the weekend. He said it was just friendly banter. Friendly banter that he deleted from his phone because all were deleted. I told him that it made me uncomfortable and hurt my feelings and given our history of his cheating I need for it to stop. He said that it would. He promsied. AFTER telling me that he's just going to get his own phone so I can't check anymore. How crazy is that? Anyway, I let it go for a day or two.

On Friday I went out of town until Saturday afternoon. I found it odd that he had no plans with friends as he's a party boy. His car recently got repo'd and he said the only thing he had going on was riding home with his best friend and then he didn't know. Well that morning when I was packing he started packing a bag. When I asked him what it was for he said in case he spent the night at his friends house. Found that odd. When he got in the shower I checked his phone and he texted his friend the day before in the morning and asked if he could crash at his friends house. His friend said of course. Well when he got out of the shower I jokingly asked if his friend knew they were having a pajama party. He said "no". I found that odd. If he had it planned the day before why lie about it, right?

Well that day he was available all day via text and a few phone convos with the exception of 7:00 PM-2:45 AM where he sort of disappeared with the exception of a few texts and one call that I missed at 9:00 PM.

He did stay at his friends because I heard them the next morning and he did call me at 2:45 am and he was there.

Anyway, when I got home on Saturday I asked him if he had heard from that woman and he said "nope". Well yesterday I checked his phone and there were not texts on his actual phone. That wasn't good enough for me. I still had a FEELING that he was lying. So I checked the actual cell records and they DID TEXT! From Friday 2:00 PM - 7:00 PM (when he disappeared) and then from 11:00 AM-4:00 PM on Saturday before I got home. Guess what??! ALL texts were deleted from his phone. Remember I checked yesterday!

So I confronted him today. I asked him flat out if she met him at the bar and he said no. I said you promised me that it would stop and you did it anyway! He said "oh you checked my phone too? That's real cool" and HUNG UP ON ME!

Why would he do that if he was in the wrong?! Why couldn't he just explain and reassure? I get that I shouldn't be snooping but at the same token I'm only snooping in reaction to my gut feeling and his lies. So this happened this morning and it's now 8:20 PM and he hasn't come home from work. He hasn't responded to my calls or texts. Why am I being punished for his sneaky behavior? I'm sitting at home questioning myself as if I've done somethign wrong. Like what if I would have not checked, etc.? Things would be fine? I know this is wrong thinking but I can't help it. I feel like a crazy woman. By the way he's called me psycho and crazy and nosey, etc. when I've confronted him about things before. So yes, I'm crazy because he's got me to this point.

I'm just confused. I need to hear that I'm not in the wrong. This woman isn't even his type. So opposite of what me, his ex wife and ex's are. Very very different. Not even attractive. At all and I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous. The last girl he cheated with was very pretty although I hate to say it. This one is not.

So what is going on? Why am I at home hysterical feeling like I l'm a crazy "checker". Again, why am I being punished for his poor behavior? Am in the wrong at all?

I really need to hear from some of you. That I'm not crazy. That this behavior is unacceptable.

I don't even know how to approach...do I tell him to pack and leave? Do I continue calling and texting him? What do I do? Please help.

Thanks in advance!!!!!

P.S. She work two hours away, from time to time here locally.
 

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I'm sorry, OP, but I'm wondering why you're in a relationship with a man who has a history of cheating, and where there is obviously little or no trust?

You know your BF lies to you. Do you really want to be in a live in relationship with a guy who has a history of cheating and is now lying to you about his contact with another woman?
 

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You are not crazy. You did nothing wrong. He is a lying. cheating piece of pond scum who will ruin your life if you allow him too. You are not married, you don't have kids. Thank your lucky stars he revealed his true nature unmistakeably. You need no further proof than his reaction. He doesn't give a **** about you, he can't even be bothered to do a decent job of hiding it from you. Just put his stuff in garbage bags out by the garbage. Change the locks. Have a friend come stay with you for a couple days if possible. In the future, if you find someone cheats on you, do not put up with it, no second chances if you have nothing to tie you for life.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks everyone!!! Quick responses. I've made my decision and yes, I want him out. Thing is on top of everything else he's been violent before. I'm afraid of how to approach because once I change the locks, etc. he'll have really hit rock bottom. No car and no place to live. I'm afraid he's going to go ballistic and try to harm me and my 18 year old daughter. I've always cried wolf with break ups before and now that he sees I'm being serious. I'm honestly scared. I already put in a request to have the locks changed but I'm not sure how soon they'll be out. I'm really scared. The reality has really set in of what a bad situation I'm in.
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You rent? I would call the super, let him know the deal, maybe he can change to lock right away. It only takes a few minutes and a screwdriver to do it.
 

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Yes, I rent. They don't open until 10 am though. I know he won't be back tonight as he has no car and is out drinking. Thing is I'm working from home tomorrow and I don't even want to see him. I'm blown away by the fact that he hasn't called or texted me back. Who does that when they're caught? Is that normal for cheaters?

I am doing the right thing, right? Why am I scared that I'm making a mistake or that this is my fault. Like my crazy checking ways drove him into another woman's direction?

I'm really hurting.
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It's good to have a tiger for a friend. Tigers can swat the heads off of cheating boyfriends if they try to get violent!

But seriously again for a minute, are you sure there is no resident manager you can speak to tonight? And definitely call a friend, go stay there if you must, if you are really worried about what might happen.
 

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Good morning everyone - He did not come home last night. I haven't heard from him since 11:30 AM yesterday. He's NEVER disappeared on me like this. When I caught him cheating last time he was so remorseful. Called and texted like crazy. Now this and he disappears? What the heck did I do wrong or what is different about this situation in where he's gone so dark? Not caring?

I just don't understand what is going on. I just texted him that I'm working from home today and that if he needs to come here for anything to please let me know beforehand. No response. I'm confused. I don't understand what any of this means.

I did get a call yesterday from a company stating that he had applied for a rent to own home. I didn't know of this. That hurts because he's obviously been looking for another place to live behind my back. I just don't understand why he would've used my number as a reference?

I'm just honestly torn apart right now. I can't even handle how I'm feeling. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm a mess.

I just don't understand how he can be so heartless? So evil and ruthless after all I've done for him and the woman that I've been to him. Yes, I know I've had crazy moments but they're all because he led me there. I keep feeling like somehow this is my fault. That somehow I'm losing a good man. I keep thinking of his potential because when he's good he's so good. I'm so sad thinking that four years ago (our 2nd month of dating) he took me to vote and then out for dinner and drinks and we watched the votes come in. Now four years later and this?

I don't know what to do? I can't handle him not responding and being so mean and careless. Did I really do something that wrong?

I also am taking this so personally as a negative reflection of myself. I'm an attractive woman with a great job, etc. and the woman that he's been talking to is so opposite. Really not attractive at all, etc. How could I not take this as a poor reflection of myself?

I just don't know what to do. I'm really a mess over here. In the worst way. What do I do? He's not responding? Why am I panicking?
 

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I did get a call yesterday from a company stating that he had applied for a rent to own home. I didn't know of this. That hurts because he's obviously been looking for another place to live behind my back. I just don't understand why he would've used my number as a reference?

I'm just honestly torn apart right now. I can't even handle how I'm feeling. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm a mess.
I know you are hurting now and you don't want to hear this but this is the best news you could have hoped to receive. Let him go, you deserve better.
 

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Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong! You seriously deserve so much better than this guy who obviously does not care about your feelings. HE is the crazy one, IMHO. You can and will get through this. Try and do something to keep yourself busy and get your mind off of your decision. You're questioning yourself so much right now, but when all is said and done, you'll realize you made the right choice. Either that, or you'll keep letting him back in and continue being miserable, "crazy", and paranoid..who honestly wants to live like that? I wouldn't hold out for him to ever change..look at what he's done in the past, and look at what he's doing now. And by that I also mean his reaction to you finding out about his dishonesty..he doesn't deserve you.
 

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You invested a lot into the relationship. It can be hard to accept that you may have been mistaken. You're in a bit of a fog yourself. It can be difficult for you to get perspective. Please listen to us. This is a good thing. He is showing his true self. You are in love with a fiction he likes to portray every once in a while, it isn't him. Cut him out of your life, get help to reinforce the choice from friends and family. In a month or 2, you'll realize you made the right choice.

This is hard to believe, but this is not about you, what you do, or what you don't do. This is all about him, and his lack of character, or what ever you want to call it. Nothing to do with you. This is not your fault, so never, ever believe that for even one minute. Get this cretin out of your life, keep him out, no matter what, and move on. You will be fine, great even, with out him.
 

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Thanks all, I'm trying but it's really hard. I keep thinking and feeling I'm going to be so lonely. As crazy as this sounds he's been my best friend. The one that I did everything with. Talked to about everything, etc. I feel so lost without him already.

I just talked to my mom about the fact that he disappeared and he's never done so. She said that he's "upping" his game because he knows that I'm getting stronger. So he's going to get stronger to to try and keep me in my place.

Does this sound about right? Again, he's NEVER disappeared on me like this. What can it be? I'm beating myself up so badly.

I know, deep down inside that I didn't do anything wrong. I can't help myself right now.

Sorry for sounding so pathetic. I've just officially lost it.
 

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Thanks all, I'm trying but it's really hard. I keep thinking and feeling I'm going to be so lonely. As crazy as this sounds he's been my best friend. The one that I did everything with. Talked to about everything, etc. I feel so lost without him already.

I just talked to my mom about the fact that he disappeared and he's never done so. She said that he's "upping" his game because he knows that I'm getting stronger. So he's going to get stronger to to try and keep me in my place.

Does this sound about right? Again, he's NEVER disappeared on me like this. What can it be? I'm beating myself up so badly.

I know, deep down inside that I didn't do anything wrong. I can't help myself right now.

Sorry for sounding so pathetic. I've just officially lost it.
When you love someone, the REAL them, and they love you the same way, this is not what it looks like.

Love isn't a game where we do childish things like "disappearing" in order to manipulate and control someone else.

Someday I believe you will look back on this man, and this relationship, and realize that you love an idealized version of him, that somehow never, no matter what you tried, matched up to the REAL him. This IS the real him. A lying manipulator. It can be very hard to accept the dying of a dream, believe me, I KNOW.

But here is the truth: in the end, each of us is ALONE, an island in the universe. I don't mean that in a "the world is a rotten place," kind of way. What I mean is, people die. People change. People do things you don't like. So before you embark on a romantic partnership, the best thing you can do is to learn to truly love yourself. Not in a selfish way. In a genuine way. Like the love you have for your mother, or a best friend. You want what's BEST for them--and sometimes what's best isn't what they want.

If your mom's allergic to honey, do you slather her bread with it because she craves some? No. Doing what YOU WANT is different from what's BEST for you sometimes. You think you want this man (your dream of what he is, NOT the real him). Go be your own best friend. Learn to do that FIRST and it will guide you in choosing a partner worthy of respect (he ain't it).
 

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Thanks all, I'm trying but it's really hard. I keep thinking and feeling I'm going to be so lonely. As crazy as this sounds he's been my best friend. The one that I did everything with. Talked to about everything, etc. I feel so lost without him already.

I just talked to my mom about the fact that he disappeared and he's never done so. She said that he's "upping" his game because he knows that I'm getting stronger. So he's going to get stronger to to try and keep me in my place.

Does this sound about right? Again, he's NEVER disappeared on me like this. What can it be? I'm beating myself up so badly.

I know, deep down inside that I didn't do anything wrong. I can't help myself right now.

Sorry for sounding so pathetic. I've just officially lost it.
You are not pathetic at all, you love him and there is nothing wrong with that. Letting him treat you like this is the problem. All feelings aside you have to get strong..QUICK and you need to take control of the situation! Even if you have to fake it at first do it. Let him know him talking to this woman is not acceptable and you wont tolerate it, you deserve more!

If you stay on TAM long enough you will see that the people that have success stories are the one that are strong and stand their ground. I was a weak one in the beginning. Im 3 years in R and I still have weak days but its the days when Im strong and stand up for myself that are the best! Draw your line in the sand!
 
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Why do you keep a cheater around? Do they sit girls down in school and instruct them that men are projects and if they just endure and keep at it, year after year, decade after decade, you can change them (the guys)?
 
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