Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 23 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello Ladies and Gents,

I am back again with another confusing episode. I have been at my Grandpas for three months working because my Aunt is basically trying to kill him..my grandfather is worth 55,000.00 dead and I think thats her motive. Anyway, because my mom is still on recovery for her knee surgery I have been spending lots of time here. I am also working for winter wages, because the wintertime is when I have the most difficulty traveling. My husband knows this and has witnessed it.

A couple of days ago my mom asked me if I would be ok leaving thursday the third and returning home saturday the 5th and I said no worries. She asked me if I would rather leave sunday and be at home for four days. So I asked my husband which was my first mistake. In the back of my mind I know how he is about changing plans, especially if he's already made plans.

Because I want honest and truthful answers I am going to post our entire text conversation that way there are no edits on my part and you see the conversation for your own eyes.

Me:
Mom wanted to know if I could leave Sunday instead of Thursday otherwise I have to leave Thursday the 3rd and be back on Saturday
Husband:
Not my decision
Me:
I'm asking your opinion though
Husband:
I'm getting mad. Your mom spends days at a time with you there but won't let you come home....... Now I have to rework my whole schedule for the third...... 5th time you have pushed it back.......hell no one else is watching grandpa their going to keep you down there in hopes of us separating I bet....... I need you so I can finish the farm loan...... And it's put off for yet another month.... What the hell one more won't hurt come home when you feel like it
Me:
Ok fine I'll be home on the 3rd
You have to understand my mom doesn't know why it's so important for me to come home... Ya Know?
Husband:
Cause this is your home...... You preach everytime you come home oh you need a break from grandpas. And now you don't want to come home...... Your mom I bet is trying to persuade you to move into grandpas by yourself. God speed have your little secret pact with mommy all over again
Me:
That is not it at all... Why are you being a jerk?
Husband:
What business is it if your moms if you want to come home it's none of her business she's butting in AGAIN
Me:
She just asked me about staying til Sunday that's all... It's no big deal I'll just come home Thursday as planned and drive back down Saturday
Me:
David what?????? You already get what you want I told you I am coming home on Thursday.. I don’t have time to **** around with you anymore.. I have an assignment due and I am finishing it up.
Husband:
**** you Tammy
Me:
What???
Husband:
I get what I want!?!?!
**** around with me?!?
You asked for my direct opinion
You arrogant, immature, self obsessed, ****........
This had nothing to do with your assignment.! You don't talk to me like that
Me:
Ok
Sorry but I really don’t. I have an assignment I am really trying to finish... and I said I didn’t have time to **** around... much like you say sometimes... now you call me arrogant and selfish, self obsessed??? Sorry you feel like that... I am just trying to get my assignment done.. thats all...
Husband:
Sure
Me:
I thought you would be happy I hadn’t been home in so long... I was trying to give you what you wanted... just like I do with everyone... I am always trying to give yawl what you want
Husband:
Bull****. You asked me cause your mom asked you.... Unless you were lying. Again guilt doesn't work on me
Tomorrow is the first and you still haven't sent me the check date
Me:
Mom asked me if I really wanted to go home thursday and drive back on saturday or if I wanted to leave sunday... so I asked you which was my first mistake... I shouldn’t have even said anything I should have just sucked it up and just come home on thursday which is what I am doing now.
I will send you the check date after mom leaves
Husband:
How many days will you be home if you leave Sunday
Me:
four but it doesn’t matter Im just coming on thursday and leaving saturday like we originally planned
Husband:
We didn't plan anything YOU told me the third
Me:
Can I not please you??? I am trying so ****ing hard to give you what you want... you just ass reamed me because I wasn’t coming home on the third... now you are getting upset with me because I told YOU the 3rd??? Please just be happy please????
Husband:
I'm happy just come home when it's easiest ok
Me:
I’ll be home on the third

Now according to my husband, I dug my "spurs" in him first and initially started this whole argument. I was working on my school paper which was due that night, I was trying to do final edits when his texts kept coming in. His responses made me really sad and depressed and when I told him they did his response was this.

Me:
I'm upset about what you texted me yesterday... It really hurt my feelings
Husband:
I wasn't being rude until you dug your Spurs into me....... It's no excuse but when we are having a civil conversation it should be civil
Me:
You should re read the texts you dug into me way before I dug into you
Husband:
You asked my opinion and I was mad..... Still am. I told you why I felt that way...... You asked
Me:
If you're still mad then why are you trying to be nice?
Husband:
Prozac

You guys tell me if I am in the wrong again... last time I just admitted being wrong... this time I don't know what to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I am currently the only income in the house because my husband is disabled, his disablity alone would not pay all of our bills. He wants my money from work but he doesn't want me to be gone for so long.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Last year I was gone the entire summer and he had no problem with it... I would say I missed him and he would shrug.. when I would say I was coming home he'd say take your time. Last year he was totally fine if not happy about me being gone for three months, all the sudden now he's upset about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,000 Posts
Taking it at face value. The spat in the texts is just the sympton of a much bigger problem between you which relates to respect for your husband and prioritizing him above your mother.

1. Your husband is upset as you should be physically with him, he probably misses you
2. Your mother has too much influence over you, remember you left your parents to be married to your husband, he should be number one in your life
3. You hide behind the excuse that you are trying to keep everyone happy, but the key one you should be keeping happy, gets the crumbs, i.e. your H
4. You are disrespecting him big time in your actions and your talk (respect is a huge factor for guys)

5. your attitude towards him is that he should be doing cart wheels or giving you gold stars for coming home at all???? What the heck?
6. You are not prioritizing your own household (farm and check) matters, but putting your mother's household matters first. This is sending the wrong message to your H
7. You are not conferring with your husband and making joint decisions, you are making your own decisions and informing him, not good at all in a marriage (about the dates etc)
8. If he expresses his displeasure you get all self righteous and antsy about it, so he gets even more mad
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,266 Posts
Honest answer based on having little knowledge beside what you've posted...

"Not my decision" should have been the end of that exchange. Because after that point, all he got was frustrated with your indecision. You asked for his opinion and he gave it. He's right. There's little he can do if you make up your mind to extend the time, even by a little. You telling him is one thing, but you're not even sure, like you need permission. You're a grown arse woman, you can decide what you want without making it always mom's fault. It's YOUR decision, own it. Your lack of ownership pissed him off. You can't passively ask a man to lead you when he can't even physically sit in the captain's chair and then get mad when he tells you that you're in the chair, so put your big girl pants on.

Next, you've been gone 3 months... That's a long time to be apart. He misses you. Knowing you are thinking of staying longer means you chose your family over him. That's just the way it sounds to a man, and add on top your indecision and making it all about pleasing him..... So it's like telling him if he wasn't such a burden for being yet another thing you juggle you'd be kinder? No. That's your brain making anyone responsible but you. YOU decide, you own that and anything that results from your choice.

You both wrote some nasty, hateful things and you want to play the "who started it first" game? In marriage, neither of you win at that game. The mounting disrespect means you both lose the bond that you need more than ever by being physically apart.

Here's how it could have gone in my mind.

Scenario A:

Me: Mom wanted to know if I could leave Sunday instead of Thursday otherwise I have to leave Thursday the 3rd and be back on Saturday

Husband: Not my decision

Me: OK. Then I've decided that I'm going to stick to the original plan. I'll leave Thursday. We have a lot of missed time to catch up on and I miss you.
Scenario B:

Me: Mom wanted to know if I could leave Sunday instead of Thursday otherwise I have to leave Thursday the 3rd and be back on Saturday

Husband: Not my decision

Me: OK. Then I've decided that I'll feel better if I spend a few days to wrap things up properly. I'll leave Sunday. We have a lot of missed time to catch up on and I miss you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
588 Posts
Eventually the exchange will go like this:

Me: Mom wanted to know if I could leave Sunday instead of Thursday otherwise I have to leave Thursday the 3rd and be back on Saturday

Husband: You should just stay there. I've filed for divorce and changed the locks on the house. Don't bother to come home. Excuse me now while my new woman gives me head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,037 Posts
Last year I was gone the entire summer and he had no problem with it... I would say I missed him and he would shrug.. when I would say I was coming home he'd say take your time. Last year he was totally fine if not happy about me being gone for three months, all the sudden now he's upset about it.
Was he disabled last summer too or working?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,578 Posts
I think they are both at fault.

You can see the conversation start spinning immediately. Each could have given better answers right from the start but both got defensive/pissy about it.

OP is in a tough situation. I agree that #1 should be the husband. I don't know to what extent he is disabled and whether or not he was disabled during the summer OP was gone. But if he was, it seems he can get along physically with her gone.

Maybe OP has to figure out a better solution that her babysitting the old folks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
691 Posts
To me, this text made me stop in my tracks:

Me: "I thought you would be happy I hadn’t been home in so long... I was trying to give you what you wanted... just like I do with everyone... I am always trying to give yawl what you want"

It seems to me that you are trying to please everyone (your mother, your husband). It doesn't work that way. When you get married, your husband should come first. This doesn't mean you neglect your mother or biological family, but your husband should know you are loyal to him and others don't come before him. From his texts, I gathered a few things: He feels...
- you can't make your own decisions
- you plan around your mom's requests which results in him re-planning things
- your biological family is first in your list of priorities
- he's resenting you because of all the above

I'm sorry if I've offended you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: WandaJ and Satya

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,388 Posts
Your Aunt and your Grandpa are not your problem.
You are betraying your husband who you made a vow with by putting them first over your husband.
You should live with your husband full time. If he is disabled and you have to take care of him, and this occurred after you were married, you have to look to your own moral code about what is right and what is wrong. IF he was disabled before marriage, this is the choice you made.

Regarding the text exchange, your husband wants to see you taking responsibility for your life and your marriage, rather than forcing him to tell you to come home and deny your mother's request.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,266 Posts
You're fixing everyone else's [email protected] but your own. How about you focus on sweeping your own porch for a while and let the other adults in your family handle their responsibilities?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
691 Posts
You're fixing everyone else's [email protected] but your own. How about you focus on sweeping your own porch for a while and let the other adults in your family handle their responsibilities?
Yes!!! Exactly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
While yes I am staying at my grandpas it is also my work, my husband was very adamant that I work enough to make wages. Last year, when he had no problem with me staying he was not disabled. He gets around fine on his own and still has one working leg. He encouraged me to come down three months ago and one month ago told me he supported me being there.

My mistake was rescheduling on him several times, it wasn't because I didn't want to go home, but because my Grandpa had doctor's appointments and stuff. This kind of thing happens every summer, he tells me he is fine that I am gone, and then when I am gone he whines and complains about my being gone. It isn't because he misses me though, its because he has other stuff he needs me to do. I usually brush that off and just come home when he asks me.

Right now because my Aunt is not caring for my grandpa it is just me and my mother who are caring for him. I make 1800.00 a month working for my grandpa, money we desperatly need. And if I have any hope of getting paid in the winter when I am not able to travel, (Its 200 miles down) I need to have the time stocked up so I can get my paycheck even if I can't come down to work.

Do I want to be gone from home for this long? No... but we've been doing this for the past four years now and only recently has he started complaining. And it is mostly because my change in plans would have ruined his plans. IDK what those plans are... I do need his permission to stay or go, because if I call him up and tell him nicely that I need to stay and I miss him I usually get a "Whatever" on the phone. When I am home he just does what he wants and he doesn't even hug me when he sees me. For him three months is like three weeks, it isn't actually that long.

I believe a lot of things can get lost in translation with text messages, and my change of plans wasn't because of my mom, my mom asked me if I would be okay going home and coming back in such short amount of time and if I would rather have more days at home.

My dad is taking huge legal steps to try and remove my aunt from joint power of attorney, and my grandpa is happiest when I am here. My husband believes I should be there to take care of my grandpa, and to avoid making him really pissed I have avoided telling him the debt my grandfather is truly in. He knows about the loans my aunt took out in my grandfather's name, but he doesn't know that she didn't file his 2011 taxes and knew about his 2012 taxes and didn't tell anyone. My grandpa owes the IRS somewhere around 9,500.00 dollars, plus an additional 1800.00. And now the VA Loan payments are due and my aunt never told anyone she took out a VA Loan.

Because of all this debt, my Grandfather cannot afford to hire anyone else besides me and I am a lot cheaper than nurses would be. It is more cost efficient for me to stay with my grandpa than someone else. My Aunt is mean to my grandpa, and is always getting after him like a little kid. He never jokes with her around, he already lost my Grandma just two years ago and because of his memory problems always thinks she is in town. My Grandpa is 95 years old, he is alone, and only has my parents and myself. MY brother is Bipolar and no help whatsoever. My husband is 33 years old and I am 27, so I have the disadvantage of being young and critical of others. My husband is in no way "sweet" though, and is not caring like a lot of other men probably are. He is brutally honest always, and just while back told me that my blonde hair made me look like a should be working at a burger king, and it made my adult acne more noticeable. This is a man who turned my friend against me because he was telling my mother secrets behind my back, I just don't want everyone to think he is a gushy romantic. He's a veteran Army Ranger, he's crass, brutally honest, lacking emotion... the only thing he can truly feel is love and whatever else pisses him off.

This is someone who justified throwing me down on the ground into a broken coffee cup that he had thrown against the wall. Saying that I had been "threatening" when I simply put my hand on his shoulder to keep him away from him because honestly, he was scaring me.

Do you still think of him in the same light?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,290 Posts
Odd. You NOW add in the other stuff to make him look bad? Even with all that added in there, I still agree with him. And, I think you should tell him what's going on with your grandfather's finances because it DOES affect the two of you.



No one is implying that he is some sort of "gushy romantic". All they have said is that they believe he misses you. I happen to agree. My husband acts very similar at times... and that's if I am gone for a weekend with my sisters and my dad! There was a point in time when I put my parents before my husband, so reading your posts struck a chord with me. I could easily have written those myself, 10 years ago. So, believe me when I say, from personal experience and based on what you have said here... you are putting your parents and grandfather before your husband, and hiding pertinent information from him doesn't help, either.



Talk to your husband. Tell him what is going on. My guess is he can sense something is up and knows there's something you're not telling him. And, I'd bet his acting gruff toward you is his way of not letting you hurt him... more than he already is. I'm not saying that you are doing it deliberately, but each time you show him that your mom/dad/grandfather come first, and he gets what's left, it hurts him. Like I said, I speak from experience. Sit down and lay it all out there. And honestly, tell him that when he responds with "whatever" when you tell him that you DO miss him, that you feel like he couldn't care less about it, or you. You need to talk to him about all this.



I wish you luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
I think you have a case here where your husband says one thing, but his actions and reactions clearly show something different. When he says he's ok with you being gone, but then acts like a **** when you go...I've got news for you. He lied; he wasn't ok with you being gone. He probably just feels like if he says it, he'll look insecure and controlling. So he says what he thinks you want to hear, but he's not really ok with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,207 Posts
Honestly, I'm just wondering what you are getting out of this relationship because it sounds pretty sh1t.
 
1 - 20 of 23 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top