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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Discovered my wife and an ex-boyfriend exchanged over 2000 texts between each other in less than a month last year. I confronted her and she blamed me for it. She said I didn't initiate sex enough and didn't make her feel wanted. We may have done that to each other to some degree, but I don't think it justifies what she did. It seems to have stopped after I confronted her. But I think she fell out of love with me and now longs for him. He is in another state, so it can't work out between them, because of kids. We have been separated now for 3 months and I am a mess. My trust has been destroyed and I am constantly wondering what she is really up to. Is there really any chance of reconciliation?
 

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A chance? Sure. It depends on you, it depends on her. If she is genuinely remorseful and willing to do the work to rebuild, and if you are willing to forgive her and work to move past her betrayal - yeah it's possible. It's damn hard work though. That's not a lot of info but based on what you posted it does not sound like she's remorseful which is the very first thing that has to happen.

Odds are it did not stop when you confronted her, odds are that they just took it deeper underground to make it harder for you to find it. If you're separated being a few states away is no biggie. Separation is bad - it just creates opportunity for her and lets her continue to live in her affair fantasy world. Who's idea was it?
 

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What does she want to do? Divorce?

No, her complaints, even if true, did not justify her affair at all. How do you know they weren't skyping? That's a common tool used for long distance affairs. It bonds them together.

If she's was complaining about a lack of sex and she moved out. Well, I think she's taking care of that now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
She has been anything and everything BUT remorseful. She has worked hard to drive me further away, with more accusations of how I failed her in the marriage. I am the one who has moved out, simply because it is more normal for the kids this way. However, I feel like she has gotten everything she wanted. She got to have her affair with no ramifications, got to have me move out of the house, has the kids more than I do (I work alot though). Now, she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. She pushed for the separation saying that just getting out from under each other would help alot. Well, its not working real well for me.
 

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Sorry tb
I think there is another man. One who lives close enough. Or maybe the old bf moved closer. Stop trying to win her back for now. The more you chase the faster she runs.

She figures you're going to be there in the long run, after she satisfies her curiosity - she may even be making real plans for bailing completely.

click on the two links on my sig line and read those.
 

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Conventional wisdom on TAM is that the faithful spouse is NEVER the one to leave. As you said, she gets everything she wants and is really paying no price. Ordinarily you would get advice telling you to make her pick - you or the OM - but that's hard to do in your current situation. Have you exposed the affair to anyone? How about the OM? Is he married? If he is telling his wife is the absolute quickest and most effective way to blow their deal apart.

I'll bet she's still in it - it sure sounds like it. There can be no reconciliation until she takes ownership of her actions, is willing to be held accountable, and is remorseful. Don't even try, you'll just devastate yourself emotionally while she hardly notices.
 

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Go home. Do not warn her, just move back in. If she has a problem with that, she can move.

Never, ever leave your home.
 

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You need to move back immediately. She had the affair not you, why should you have to leave your home and kids. If she doesnt want to live with you then she leaves the home and she gets NONE of your money to help her furnish a new lifestyle.

It would be hell to be in the same house with someone that didnt want you there but you being gone is making this so easy for her. Who wouldnt want to have their cake and eat it too?
 

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BEFORE you go back, though, you'll want to buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on your person at all times. Seen way to many innocent BHs thrown in jail for false domestic violence claims. Don't assume she won't do it. Right now, at this moment, we know your WW better than you do.

Sorry you're here, but be glad you are.
 

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Discovered my wife and an ex-boyfriend exchanged over 2000 texts between each other in less than a month last year. I confronted her and she blamed me for it. She said I didn't initiate sex enough and didn't make her feel wanted. We may have done that to each other to some degree, but I don't think it justifies what she did. It seems to have stopped after I confronted her. But I think she fell out of love with me and now longs for him. He is in another state, so it can't work out between them, because of kids. We have been separated now for 3 months and I am a mess. My trust has been destroyed and I am constantly wondering what she is really up to. Is there really any chance of reconciliation?
Hang in there. It sucks wondering what they are doing and are up to. Going through the same thing right now. It sucks right now but better days are coming.
 

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TB,

You need to move back into your house. It is your house. It can have serious ramifications for custody, alimony etc... Move back in and make her move out. If she is it one who had the affair, you need to make it painful for her. Stand your ground. It can very well suck, and the courts could force you to move out, but make this hard for her. Give her a dose of reality. Split your finances etc...
 

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You need to move back immediately. She had the affair not you, why should you have to leave your home and kids. If she doesnt want to live with you then she leaves the home and she gets NONE of your money to help her furnish a new lifestyle.

It would be hell to be in the same house with someone that didnt want you there but you being gone is making this so easy for her. Who wouldnt want to have their cake and eat it too?
Get it done, back into the house. Did you expose the A to her family and friends? Did you expose that POS?

She is not going to be remoresful if there are no negative actions to her A.
 

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Definitely move back

If you have any doubt about this approach, contact a lawyer

You should also do the following right away to protect yourself financially:

Remove her name from (or cancel) any joint credit cards you have with her

Take half the money you have in any joint savings/checking accounts you have and put it in accounts that only you control
 

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Of course your the bad guy. She needs it to be your fault.

She will pick fights with you, and she will actively and aggressively bad mouth you to family and friends in order to get internal (and often external) validation for her cheating.

It easies her guilt and enables her to continue doing her drug (OM).

What's she's done and will do from here is incredible predictable.

Your wife is just a garden variety cheater in an affair fog.

Consider reading the links in my sig. (below)
 

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You should not be leaving the family home. She is the one at fault, not you.

What type of actions is she showing you to prove that she is remorseful and wants to reconcile? What kind of transparency are you getting? This cannot be all from one side. She has to be the one initiating this and making the effort, until then, you're just spinning your wheels.

FWIW, I was the WW having an EA. I definitely turned it all back on my BH, blaming him and shutting him out completely. Looking back, I said a lot of horrible and cruel things and really made an A$$ out of myself. It wasn't until I pulled my head out of my behind and started opening up my life to my BH that we were able to start reconciling.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
She shows no remorse whatsoever. Just continues to blame it on me. I don't think her affair is continuing. But I am way low on her priority list now. When the affair occurred, she also renewed her relationship with her long time best friend. Now my wife shares everything with her, not me. The talk for at least an hour a day and share 20-30 texts a day. If she wanted to reconcile, she should be putting that kind of effort into communicating/sharing with me. Instead, I am left wondering what is being said about me. I hate it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We decided that she should stay in the home because her work schedule is more flexible and is able to be home when the kids come home from school. Unfortunately, my schedule does not allow me to do that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
TB,

You need to move back into your house. It is your house. It can have serious ramifications for custody, alimony etc... Move back in and make her move out. If she is it one who had the affair, you need to make it painful for her. Stand your ground. It can very well suck, and the courts could force you to move out, but make this hard for her. Give her a dose of reality. Split your finances etc...
What kind of ramifications could there be since I am the one who we decided should move out? Should I get her to sign something that says it was a mutual decision?
 
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