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Discussion Starter #62
It breaks my heart that you are performing sex acts for him/to him and you get nothing in return. Unless you're ok with that?
I'm not okay, period.

I don't know if he thought he could push me endlessly or what. I'm angry and although I don't feel like I can leave (the business, etc), it's like he's two different people -- the person he was at dinner last night, whom I married, and this other person that I don't recognize.

I walked out of the business tonight because I just don't have it in me to be treated callously and disrespectfully. Maybe for a week but humiliation has its limits.
 

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Stop doing things you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to go down on him don’t. And if I were you, I would tell him to go down on you... like today or tomorrow or whenever you want it. He needs a taste of his medicine. Stop bending over backwards and doing whatever he says.
 

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He said he loves you but is not in love with you that he is not sexually attracted to you but he hasn’t cheated on you YET! Well give the man a star! I don’t know how in the world you continue to sleep with him- naked no less, put on a masturbation performance for him- you say it was for you but you could have done so in private and then you go down on him. Why??? Trying to entice him so blatantly and servicing him on demand is not the way you are going to get him sexually interested in you again. It’s degrading and belittles you. I couldn’t/ wouldn’t have sex with him at all right now.

You are being much too hard on yourself in the mistakes you’ve made. He has made them too. All you can do now which you have is take ownership of them and make the changes you are already making.

Have you even thought about what YOU need from the situation and from him in order to stay with him and determine if this is salvageable? He isn’t the only one who gets to make decisions gets to/ has to make decisions you know that right? You need to sit down and really flesh this out. You need a plan. I think a total reset is in order. I would sleep separately. Start dating again, talking again, connecting again non-sexually and see if in time those feelings come back. Take care of yourself, make time for people and activities without him. Stop looking to him for reassurance, attention, validation.

You also need to talk about infidelity. He doesn’t get to tell you he doesn’t want you but hasn’t cheated yet and then expect you to trust him! You said you wouldn’t be surprised if he is cheating now or has in the past and you blame yourself if he has. He was no walk in the park either. If you cheated do you think he would give you a pass and say well I guess I deserved it because I wasn’t at my best? Hell no and neither should you! He doesn’t get to blow up at you for questioning him. You need complete transparency from him and he needs to set boundaries. If he gets mad and insulted too bad! He gave you the hard truth now tell him your truth.I don’t know how he expects you to be with him after the things he has shared. Are you afraid he will cheat if you don’t continue “servicing” him while he figures himself out? He has certainly given you reason to fear it and has the nerve to call you paranoid. You need to set him straight and be strong.
 

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It’s no surprise you’re so confused by all his lovey dovey words. I think you are right in that he’s afraid he’s pushed tiu too far and he wants to make sure you stay put. It keeps you in the wanting to please and accommodate him anyway you can because he knows you are desperate to hold onto him. Don’t put so much weight on those words. Watch how he acts and how he treats you and please - assert yourself!
 

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But, I do not understand.
Because in my relationship (for lack of a word that makes any sense) My partner has been tellin me for years that she is not attracted to me. But not in words. In her behaviors. In here wishy washy lack of commitment. In her studied avoidance tactics. By the things that are important to her. By the long silences. And last week when I said, But you aren't attracted to me, she said, " I don't know why you jump to such conclusions". Then this thread. And I'm thinking. Wow he just said it. No dancing, no veils just "hey, I'm not feeling it for you".

At least you have a clue of what is going on. I study and observe and experiment and "naw, it's not that". I wish I could get some communication. Some feedback. Somedays I wish I could catch her in an affair. So I could know where I stand.

Well I'm supposed to advise you. You want him to be attracted to you, be attractive. Don't ask me how, apparently I'm a flop at it. Besides I'm the wrong gender. I think some of the things you are doing would catch my eye. (sleeping naked) I think some of the advice you are getting would send me packing. (cutting off sex) But I'm not in your guys situation. I mean I sort of am. I'm emotionally disconnected, If she walked away, I'd clean out the closet and move on. But I am attracted to her, So every time she throws me a crumb, I respond with gusto. Just makes me look even more unattractive begging for table scraps.

Well I'm sorry you are in this mess. You gotta follow your heart on this one. I think he should get his medications adjusted. He's just not making sense.
 

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I do commend him for telling the truth but knowing that my husband was no longer sexually attracted to me or in love with me would send me packing. It’s possible if they both work on things- and they both seem to want to, his feeling may come back. However in the interim, if I were to stay and try to work on things there is no way i could be sexual with him knowing he is not attracted or in love with me. I just could not do it but maybe that just me...
 
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