[Courtney]

My mother-in-law is terminally ill with Stage 4 breast cancer that has moved to her bones as well. She has a relatively good quality of life for the time being, however the end is inevitable.

My problem is that my husband has started taking his anger about her situation out on me - picking fights about anything and everything. The worst part is that he has a narcissistic personality and refuses to admit that anything is wrong with him. Two times in the past 4 months he has broken down and cried about it, and all I can do is hold him while my heart breaks for what he is going through. Even despite these episodes, he will not admit that he may need help dealing with the impending loss of his mother. This weekend we were visiting his hometown, and everything was going great until the second we walked into his mother's house at which point he started picking fights with me. The worst part is, when he is angry he can be very hurtful towards me. How do I help him get through this without sacrificing my emotional needs?

 

[Blanca]

If he wont go to counseling- you could. maybe the counselor can help you understand what he is going through and help you talk to him when he gets angry. If he's in denial that he's doing anything wrong, you could ask the counselor how to let him know when his behavior is wrong.

but he'll have to realize what he's doing and change. otherwise he'll push you away and there's nothing you can do about that. I dont think you should feel guilty if you cant be there for him. he's choosing to go through this alone because of how he's treating you. If you feel guilty and support him despite how he's treating you, he'll just keep treating you poorly. he doesnt get it because there's no consequences yet. If something inflicts pain when you act on it, you'll stop doing it. if there's no pain, you dont stop. he's not feeling any pain from how he's treating you. if you withdrawal your support, eventually he'll put the pieces together. it'll take some years, though.