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A temporary separation usually primes one of the partners for something permanent, its called divorce.

Were prior ground rules set in place?

Such as:

No dating others?
No messaging others of the opposite sex, other than relatives?

Do you suspect that cheating has already happened?
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
A temporary separation usually primes one of the partners for something permanent, its called divorce.

Were prior ground rules set in place?

Such as:

No dating others?
No messaging others of the opposite sex, other than relatives?

Do you suspect that cheating has already happened?
 

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Yep. I separated for 4 months after d-day. No ground rules were put in place whatsoever. My intention at that point was to throw her completely out of my life and get on with my own. I, fortunately, found out through my lawyer that I would not really be able to do this. She would have gotten custody of our kids. The court's opinion of "unfit" and my opinion of "unfit" were not the same. I went back so my boys could be protected from the **** carousel which would have ensued.

As it turned out, the guy I called POSOM turned out to be far better than she was. He got his head on straight, blew her off, and went back to his family. I give him credit for that. He died a couple years ago, after having spent the previous 33 years still there with his wife and his kids and his grandkids. Good for him. Redemption is possible when there is repentance.

Unfortunately, I never saw any from POSXW. Too bad for her. She spent the last 5 years of her life stuck with me and unable to spread her legs for anything which walked on 2 legs or 4.
She could have spread for me but after about 18 months of trying reconciliation, I wanted nothing to do with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yeh, there is nothing of that sort. We talk to each other everynight and need to provide groundrules
Yep. I separated for 4 months after d-day. No ground rules were put in place whatsoever. My intention at that point was to throw her completely out of my life and get on with my own. I, fortunately, found out through my lawyer that I would not really be able to do this. She would have gotten custody of our kids. The court's opinion of "unfit" and my opinion of "unfit" were not the same. I went back so my boys could be protected from the **** carousel which would have ensued.

As it turned out, the guy I called POSOM turned out to be far better than she was. He got his head on straight, blew her off, and went back to his family. I give him credit for that. He died a couple years ago, after having spent the previous 33 years still there with his wife and his kids and his grandkids. Good for him. Redemption is possible when there is repentance.

Unfortunately, I never saw any from POSXW. Too bad for her. She spent the last 5 years of her life stuck with me and unable to spread her legs for anything which walked on 2 legs or 4.
She could have spread for me but after about 18 months of trying reconciliation, I wanted nothing to do with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yeh, there is nothing of that sort. We talk to each other everynight and need to provide groundrules
We talk every night and working through the issues we have. But she still tells me she needs more time and doesn’t know when she will be coming back. Our homework from the first session is to put ground rules in place for both of us to be comfortable before she comes back. Its fine talking about it over the phone but I don’t see how we can fix it living separately. Our next session is Friday.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
We ll we have been biting each others heads off for the last year and a half, she left 2 weeks ago after an argument and made contact a week later saying she is not giving up and want to do marriage counseling. We had our first session last Friday and started talking every night since then and working on the issues but still she can’t say when she is coming back and need more time.
 

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Why are you guys fighting? How long have you been married? Are there kids? How was the marriage before things went south.

Seperartion is almost always a precursor to divorce. Usually when a woman wants to separate and is saying she’s confused, she is test driving a new guy. She may have been in an affair for a while and is now wanting to see if they can take it to the next level without you being in the way. Do not just take her word. This is VERY common.
 

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You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where separations usually end up.

DO NOT allow this separation to continue.
A separation is almost always only a way to
  1. ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or
  2. try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
Start investigating now, likelihood is high that more is going on with her.

There’s no reason you both can’t work on your issues under one roof, as husband and wife.

She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between.
If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU need to move forward towards divorce - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.

If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife (at least for now), respond accordingly.
You need to act in your own best interest.
 

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Why were you two fighting like cats and dogs?

In these fights is there any verbal threatening or physical things like throwing stuff?

It sounds like you two just don't know how to live with each other.

Did you live together before the marriage?
 

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Taking a break in a relationship whether married or not is a precursor to breakup or divorce. There’s usually someone else on the scene that the person wants to “test drive” and see if they’re compatible. If the new guy works out, you’re history. If he doesn’t you’re plan B.
Plan B never becomes plan A.
 

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We talk every night and working through the issues we have. But she still tells me she needs more time and doesn’t know when she will be coming back. Our homework from the first session is to put ground rules in place for both of us to be comfortable before she comes back. Its fine talking about it over the phone but I don’t see how we can fix it living separately. Our next session is Friday.
You can't. You don't solve marriage problems by living apart, you solve them by pulling together.

Give her two options, divorce or come home.
 

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You're intentionally being evasive and not addressing people's questions honestly.

Why were you fighting? Was/is there abuse, infidelity, alcoholism/drug abuse etc?

People don't leave and stay away because of bickering over what end to squeeze the tube of toothpaste.

What is actually taking place here?
 
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