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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I posted here last week. I needed some help about confronting my partner with evidence of her ifidelity. Please note, this is a lesbian relationship.

We have been together for 10 years. I confronted her the Friday before last and after much denial she finally admitted it. She claims the affair was an EA. I'm not convinced. The evidence I found was sexual in nature and maybe she was having an EA, but she was about to have a PA. The problem is, she works with this woman. She goes to another town two days a week for work and that is where the other woman is. There is so much to say...but my main question here is that this other woman also has a partner who she has been with for a long time. I have their address and their home phone number. I want to call the other woman's partner and tell her about the affair, I think she has a right to know. The other side of it is, let's face it, revenge. I want to destroy the OW's life like she has mine. Is it right to let her partner know or am I letting my vengefulness cloud my reasoning?
BTW - My partner leaves to go out of town tomorrow. I'm sure that she will see the OW.
 

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Hi, I posted here last week. I needed some help about confronting my partner with evidence of her ifidelity. Please note, this is a lesbian relationship.

We have been together for 10 years. I confronted her the Friday before last and after much denial she finally admitted it. She claims the affair was an EA. I'm not convinced. The evidence I found was sexual in nature and maybe she was having an EA, but she was about to have a PA. The problem is, she works with this woman. She goes to another town two days a week for work and that is where the other woman is. There is so much to say...but my main question here is that this other woman also has a partner who she has been with for a long time. I have their address and their home phone number. I want to call the other woman's partner and tell her about the affair, I think she has a right to know. The other side of it is, let's face it, revenge. I want to destroy the OW's life like she has mine. Is it right to let her partner know or am I letting my vengefulness cloud my reasoning?
BTW - My partner leaves to go out of town tomorrow. I'm sure that she will see the OW.
You have the power to keep the cheated upon spouse living in ignorance, or to give her the knowledge to make valid decisions based not on what she thinks her relationship is, but on what it really is.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Part of the problem is that I don't know her partner's name. I'd have to call her home number and call until I got her partner on the phone.
Another issue is that if I do this, my partner will be really pissed. I'm afraid she will move out or something as drastic. I want to work things out with her. We have been to one counseling session. The issue is that she is rug sweeping, completely shut down from emotion, not sorry for the affair (says at least it made her stay with me) and is still displaying secretive behavior. She hides her phone or keeps it glued to her. She locked me out of the phone account so that I can't see the phone bill. She gets up at night after I go to sleep and goes into the other room. The same behavior as when she was having the affair. The last phone bill I saw shows that she texts the OW all night long and most of the day. I don't know how she gets work done. I'm afraid of losing her...but is she already lost?
 

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Part of the problem is that I don't know her partner's name. I'd have to call her home number and call until I got her partner on the phone.
Another issue is that if I do this, my partner will be really pissed. I'm afraid she will move out or something as drastic. I want to work things out with her. We have been to one counseling session. The issue is that she is rug sweeping, completely shut down from emotion, not sorry for the affair (says at least it made her stay with me) and is still displaying secretive behavior. She hides her phone or keeps it glued to her. She locked me out of the phone account so that I can't see the phone bill. She gets up at night after I go to sleep and goes into the other room. The same behavior as when she was having the affair. The last phone bill I saw shows that she texts the OW all night long and most of the day. I don't know how she gets work done. I'm afraid of losing her...but is she already lost?
She could still be having the affair, or working on a new partner. She isn't being fair to you. Sounds like a false reconciliation, sadly.:(
 

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You should keep everything in one thread.

Based on this post, you sound a "Nice Guy".

Have you read married man sex life and no more mr nice guy?

I know what it's like to be where you are, but if you actually want your wife you must rock the boat. Stand up for yourself. She must have full disclosure of all affair activity.

Any time a betrayed spouse says "I dont want them to get angry" you just KNOW they're doing it all wrong. And you are doing it all wrong.

You can't nice her into anything. You have got to regain your composure and manhood. Your actions are wrong for allowing this to continue. Your attitude of not wanting to lose her is wrong (as if she gave you a choice) and you sound uncertain.

Your wife doesn't respect you at all, because you don't respect yourself. Come on, she texted the guy at night? Really? and you do what? Roll over and go to sleep? They were probably talking about what positions they'll do it in this weekend and other graphic crap. You let this continue?

I've read reams of affair texts. Trust when I say they're *graphic*. They aren't talking about the hibernation habbits of bears. You're being taken for a fool.

Stick up for yourself! And please read no more mr nice guy if nothing else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Ok, so what do I do? When I catch her she says she's playing a game on her phone. Do I wrestle the phone out of her hands? What do you suggest?
 

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Contact the other womens SO and ask her for suport for your relationship and you are offering support for their's...

When you ask for support you don't sound vengeful but a concerned partner thats values a committed relationship.

See, by exposing this in this way you are asking the other betrayed spouse to help you keep an eye on thing and compare stories to find how much lieing is really going on.

On another note exposure may lead to the other waywawrd to throw you wife under the bus to save her own relationship, there by showing their true colors and the fantasy this affair really was.

If you want to fight this affair, then exposure is a must...not for revenge but for support in rebuilding the relationship/marriage....

You need an extra set of eyes on this so please expose this affair.
 

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Expose the affair. You may need to have some consequence for cheating. It could be that you need to be strong and be ready for a "divorce" or she will not respect you.
 

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Ok, so what do I do? When I catch her she says she's playing a game on her phone. Do I wrestle the phone out of her hands? What do you suggest?
You can't be afraid of losing her if you want to keep her, but she has to be afraid of losing you if you want this to work out, plain and simple. You have to put your foot down, both feet for that matter, and make her become "transparent", meaning you have to have access to all her password, computers and phones. To make it fair, you give her access to yours. This is a "my way or the highway" situation. If she doesn't want to play, well she's still cheating and doesn't care anything about you and its time for someone to walk (and expose).
 

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...
Another issue is that if I do this, my partner will be really pissed. I'm afraid she will move out or something as drastic. I want to work things out with her. We have been to one counseling session. The issue is that she is rug sweeping, completely shut down from emotion, not sorry for the affair (says at least it made her stay with me) and is still displaying secretive behavior. She hides her phone or keeps it glued to her. She locked me out of the phone account so that I can't see the phone bill. She gets up at night after I go to sleep and goes into the other room. The same behavior as when she was having the affair. The last phone bill I saw shows that she texts the OW all night long and most of the day. I don't know how she gets work done. I'm afraid of losing her...but is she already lost?
This is ridiculous. No remorse, hasn't gone no-contact with AP, lies and secrets, etc.

You can't make this work on your own. It's either the 2 of you together working on the relationship, or it just won't work. Right now, it's just you. YOU want it to work. She's into someone else, not you.

You really have nothing to lose by telling the OWW....you can't lose your wife, she's already checked out. Tell OWW what you know, and start 180 for yourself.

Someone mentioned NMMNG and MMSL....here's one:

PHP:
http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
 

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Tell APer's Partner. Why do you care if she leaves, she is treating you terribly.

You can't make her love you and she certainly won't if you are passive about this. Expose her and do the 180 on her.
 
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