Tell the whole truth or no trust

2369 Views 13 Replies 11 Participants Last post by CandieGirl, Nov 8, 2012

no woman no cry

Discussion Starter · Nov 3, 2012

I caught my husband texting another girl almost a year ago. He told me her name and said its someone he met at a race running. He said its purely platonic and friendly and he is helping her with a running program. I said tell he to find her own trainer. He agreed to stop communication, however 3 months later I caught him again and actually looked a couple of his texts that were exchanged. There were pics of eachother and what I would call flirty conversation. I threatened divorce and once again he said I is friendly and platonic. I tell him cut it out or else. Here it is one year later and I see he has called her after coming home from a race that they both were at. I said what was the need to call since you probably just saw her at the race. He said I didn't really see her and wanted to ask how she did. Fortunately, I kept my mouth shut and he left to go ou if town.(yes another race and I am alone again). While he was gone I spent he whole weekend digging and have circumstantial evidence as well as hear say but nothing concrete other than a close up photo of her hidden in one of his files. That put me over he edge and I was going crazy trying to catch him in some lie or deceitful act. When he got home I immediately said let's talk and said you lay it on me I want the truth and everything out. Still denies!!!! Finally he says ok the last call was to tell her I'm a married man and visa versa and this needs to stop. I said stop! What was going on then. He said I just got this feeling from her that maybe she was getting more serious than I think is appropriate being a married man and so he asked to to understand and they should both focus on their spouses. He also said I we both weren't married she would be someone I may approach. This was after I asked how he felt about her. Do I believe him that its over since I have 2 stories regarding the phone calls. And he still can't prove what he communication was. He is being very affectionate, nice polite and I say don't touch me til you reveal the truth! I'm so confused and feel he thinks we can brush under he rug and life is good. He wants his cake and eat it too and I want proof! I did now or it's over. How do I move ahead as I'm sad scared confused and sick physically and mentally drained. Thankou thank you to all responses in advance.
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Phenix70

· #2 · Nov 3, 2012

Time for keyloggers for his phone & for computer.
He's lying to you regarding the nature of his relationship with this other woman.
He obviously continued a relationship with her even after you asked him to stop.
The only way to get more info is through the keyloggers, the truth will be there in black & white, no way to spin his own words.
Just don't confront until you have enough info to support your suspicions.

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The Middleman

· #3 · Nov 3, 2012

Get his phone, call her and tell her you don't appreciate her being in contact with her husband and that you want it to stop. Let her know that you put him on notice and now you are putting her on notice.

Second, call the cell phone company and pay to have her number blocked .... and maybe, just for effect, smash up his phone on the ground in front of him. Show him you aren't F-ing around.

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walkonmars

· #4 · Nov 3, 2012

no woman no cry said:
I caught my husband texting another girl almost a year ago. He told me her name and said its someone he met at a race running. He said its purely platonic and friendly and he is helping her with a running program.

Understandable IF it is a common thing for him to do, be a guide to other runners. If so, he should have a runner's contact list of about a dozen people - this girl included. Does he? If not - then it probably isn't what he said it was.

I said tell he to find her own trainer. He agreed to stop communication, however 3 months later I caught him again and actually looked a couple of his texts that were exchanged. There were pics of each other and what I would call flirty conversation.

You kinda messed up here, (no offense). After this obvious lie you should have taken a more proactive stance and insisted on having him address his issues with boundaries. Should have suggested IC for him at the least. But more likely, giving up the 'running' (which would preclude "running around")

I threatened divorce and once again he said I is friendly and platonic. I tell him cut it out or else.

Dear NoWomanNoCry, I have a feeling you've issued hollow threats before? Because he definitely took it as a hollow threat.

Here it is one year later and I see he has called her after coming home from a race that they both were at. I said what was the need to call since you probably just saw her at the race. He said I didn't really see her and wanted to ask how she did.

Seems she did very well, he did even better since there were no consequences once again

Fortunately, So you thought I kept my mouth shut and he left to go out of town.(yes another race and I am alone again).

Still allowed to 'run' (run around?)

While he was gone I spent he whole weekend digging and have circumstantial evidence as well as hear say but nothing concrete other than a close up photo of her hidden in one of his files. That put me over he edge and I was going crazy trying to catch him in some lie or deceitful act.

I understand your pain. But this is merely playing 'catch as catch can' and YOU'RE LOSING!

He said I just got this feeling from her that maybe she was getting more serious than I think is appropriate being a married man and so he asked to to understand and they should both focus on their spouses.

I assume he was able to successfully stifle a chuckle as he said this?

He also said I we both weren't married she would be someone I may approach. This was after I asked how he felt about her.

You should have told him that this could be arranged. And if fact, as soon as you see a lawyer it WILL be arranged. (It will be up to him to give up running, and seek IC if he wants to avoid this new reality. You can also tell him that you will contact the OW's husband to coordinate their new arrangement. And I'm very serious about contacting the husband and telling him of your spouses wishes and the reason he feels that way. Do it today. Right now.

Do you have young children? You have let this go way too far. It is much more that it appears. Stop being passive. Begin with a call to her house.

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Benevolence

· #5 · Nov 4, 2012

It's probably not too healthy to live with constant suspicion so maybe its time to tell him to give up racing for a while.

You could spy on him but what if you never catch him, will that ease your mind or make you think he is better at hiding than you are at spying?

Marriage counseling may something you should look into.

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Acorn

· #6 · Nov 4, 2012

I'd agree with the marriage counseling, and I'd also suggest individual counseling to help you as well. I'm not trying to imply that you "need counseling" but having a neutral someone to talk to and sort out your feelings might really be valuable.

To me, I don't think I'd need the keyloggers - I think you've seen enough red flags to make a decision as to whether you can live like this long term, or what exactly needs to change. And probably what needs to change is your choice to stay with him, or his choice not to repair the trust he's so greatly damaged.

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Gabriel

· #7 · Nov 4, 2012

This is a tough one. Being somewhat of a runner myself, and knowing a lot of people in the running world, these people really bond over races, training, etc.

My guess is this started out very innocent, and has slowly developed into something that stretches the boundaries of innappropriateness. And you sniffed it out. Seems he is realizing this too, but the bond of running, etc, is hard to break.

Running races is very addicting. You always want to run longer, or cut your time, etc. He needs to separate this activitly from this girl, cleanly. If I'm you, I tell him calmly that while you support his hobby, this girl needs to be cut clean from his life. Don't try to kill the hobby along with the girl - it's too much and you'll probably fail. Give him the hobby - cut the girl. Then later, if the hobby becomes the source of other problems, deal with that separately.

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no woman no cry

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 7, 2012

I received a letter forwarded from my husband which came from the other woman. It was not addressed to my husband but was clearly meant for him to send to me. She was sorry that she caused grief in our marriage and life and said she would not contact him anymore and visa versa. She said having a family of her own she knows how hard this is to understand. She said thank you for 12 months of running guidance and that she wouldn't be where she is today if it weren't for him(in terms of running). She also said your wife may call me, but left no phone number. I'm guessing she figured my husband has it. The whole letter is suspicious to me and I feel like if I call her the story will mirror my husbands being that it was purely platonic, but could have gone further. I'm wondering what my next step is. Call her? Should her husband know? after all I am being put thru pure ----. This letter came in on Saturday and my husband is being so nice and cooperative and is behaving differently than before. He was so private, sneaky, and you know it just off! I have been suspicious for 1 year and now I am suppose to forgive and forget just like that due to a stupid letter from her! Whats my next step?

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moxy

· #9 · Nov 7, 2012

I suspect they're underground with their friendship and that you do not have the whole truth.

Pretend you buy his story and then verify for yourself, without letting him know you're checking up on him.

Keylogger on his computer. VAR in his car. Check your texts and data usage in the phone bill. Once you understand the extent of things, you'll know better how to proceed. Insist on complete no contact and full exposure to His EA partner's husband.

If you're planning on working it out, both of you should read "Not Just Friends", "The Five Love Languages" and "His Needs Her Needs" together and really start talking about why thus happened and how to prevent a repeat.

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workindad

· #10 · Nov 7, 2012

VAR in his car is what I would do, cheap and easy to use. Keyloggers are ok too, but not as easy as a VAR. I would not waste my time calling her. If I did make a call it would be to her H, but I'd try the VAR for a week or so first. If no hits, a call to her H may get them speaking again.

Good Luck
WD

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walkonmars

· #11 · Nov 8, 2012

no woman no cry said:
I received a letter forwarded from my husband which came from the other woman. It was not addressed to my husband but was clearly meant for him to send to me. She was sorry that she caused grief in our marriage and life and said she would not contact him anymore and visa versa. She said having a family of her own she knows how hard this is to understand. She said thank you for 12 months of running guidance and that she wouldn't be where she is today if it weren't for him(in terms of running). She also said your wife may call me, but left no phone number. I'm guessing she figured my husband has it. The whole letter is suspicious to me and I feel like if I call her the story will mirror my husbands being that it was purely platonic, but could have gone further. I'm wondering what my next step is. Call her? Should her husband know? after all I am being put thru pure ----. This letter came in on Saturday and my husband is being so nice and cooperative and is behaving differently than before. He was so private, sneaky, and you know it just off! I have been suspicious for 1 year and now I am suppose to forgive and forget just like that due to a stupid letter from her! Whats my next step?

How cute! They're crossing their fingers, hoping you took the bait.

Don't buy this. Not even. They're in full damage control. Trying to keep the OWH from discovering. Bet he's not a runner either.

If you appear to swallow their little one-act play he may relax. But I think they'll cool it for a few weeks. Act happy. If they can act - so can you!

VAR VAR
oh - VAR!

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cpacan

· #12 · Nov 8, 2012

THIS IS STOOPID said:
How can you make an assumption about this woman's husband (ex: bet he's not a runner either)? You will put ideas in her head that can be completely false. To me, he hasn't done anything wrong. Innocent until proven guilty is my motto and he hasn't been proved guilty yet. Anyone who has responded to this has not gotten both sides of the stories and therefore cannot make assumptions. YOU ALL ARE WRONG.

Well, maybe this assumption doesn't hold water, but that doesn't mean she has no reason to worry.

If her husband is unfaithfull, do you think it would do any good to just ask for his side of the story??? She would with 99,99% certainty get a lie for an answer. So you will rarely have both sides of the story.

That's why my advice is to gather more information before confronting. Confrontation without any solid physical evidence often results in lies and the affair taken underground.

Spyware on the phone, maybe VAR in the car - or simply have him followed on occassion would probably do the trick. Then, and only then, we will see which post is wrong, and which is spot on.

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Gabriel

· #13 · Nov 8, 2012

Well, given the handle name of this first time poster....

Anyway, I agree with the rest. Lay low, stay vigilant. You may want to contact the OW's H to see what he knows.

VAR is a must in your situation.

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CandieGirl

· #14 · Nov 8, 2012

Expose to her husband, first off (show him the letter you got). Insist he give up the running or go with him. Keep on investigating. They're trying to take it underground, as others have said.

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