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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We’ve been married for 26 years and our sex life has been very hot sometimes and others meh. I’m really ready to explore more specifically anal, and perhaps adding toys. He called me a sex fiend and said it’s not his thing. OK. Then how do we liven it up?

I did struggle with initiation, and I’m piping up more frequently, but I really want more and I don’t know how to convince him. Help!
 

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We were just talking about something similar. If after 28 years we haven’t tried something it’s highly likely we really don’t want to do it. We too need to liven things up. I’m not so sure we need to add things or revisit things we liked in the past. For us, I think we need to focus on the space between our ears.

For you, take the lead, keep it up but keep it fun. If he thinks you’re a fiend it’s going that’s going to be hard. Good luck.
 

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We’ve been married for 26 years ....... I’m really ready to explore more specifically anal, and perhaps adding toys. He called me a sex fiend and said it’s not his thing. OK. Then how do we liven it up?

...I don’t know how to convince him. Help!
First accept that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt yo physically or emotionally.

Second understand that you can't unilaterally change him. He gets to decide what happens to his body.

That doesn't mean you can't discuss things with him to better understand his fears, concerns, etc. What does he mean when he says "it is not his thing?" Is he afraid he will hurt you? Is he afraid of fecal matter on his penis? Is he afraid of getting or giving you a UTI? Does he think is is sinful or an unnatural (possibly homosexual) act? Doe he just prefer other forms of sex? Has he tried anal before with someone else and found it a horrible mistake...if so what happened?

To really discuss such things he has to trust that what he says will not be judged and that you won't use what he says against him. If you can really understand his fears, then you might be able to suggest ways you can get some of what you want in a way that he can live with.

If his fear is fecal matter, maybe you can do an enema to clean yourself out. If his fear is a UTI, perhaps a condom will be enough. Talk, but mostly listen to his fears. Once you have learned his fears you can research them and later as if you can try a few things.

If this is a hard boundary on his part ask him if he has some other set fantasies you might be able to role play.

Good luck.
 

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The core of your question is how to talk someone into doing something he doesn't want to do.

I think this is a tough one because many people have a visceral response to what you are desiring and would never consider it. I'm one of those people. There is absolutely nothing my husband could ever say or do for me to do that. I find it unhealthy and utterly disgusting. But if your husband isn't of that mindset, you can find out what is unappealing about it and see if you can resolve those issues. However, if he finds it to be an unhealthy, filthy practice you aren't going to change his mind and should drop it an move on.
 

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Were these issues ever touched on in the years yous twos have been together? If not....very uphill climb.

I always bring up the fact I like to do different things in the bedroom. But would I have said as much in

detail if I got M in my early 20s..... probably not. The one thing current g/f states is, -I'm cool with

most, we can discuss others before initiating. But when the definition of the act becomes more

important than the two people participating, it's a hells-2-the-no-

I can respect that. OP have you considered romantic porn? Yes there is such a thing.

Would he consider it?
 
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Well, my advice may seem very backwards in light of your question ... but it's effectively the same advice I give guys in the reverse of your circumstances.

Work on you, outside of the bedroom, apart, and separate from him.

Don't exercise? Start. Want to take up salsa dancing? Do it. And don't run it by him. Change how you dress. Get a radically different hair cut than your norm.

Disengagement and self improvement when it works at its best, accomplishes a few things. You either discover new things about yourself, or grow even more comfortable in your own skin, and ... with those kinds of changes generally comes curiosity on the part of your partner. If they aren't either mildly interested in, or mildly annoyed by what you are doing ... you have bigger problems than whats going on in the bedroom.

All comes down to the same thing. You and your husband have built a dynamic over the last 2 decades. You want to change it. Sounds like he is comfortably nestled right where he is. So ... one of you needs to make a move.

Simple point being, I believe, that change in the bedroom, starts well outside of the bedroom. You can't make him go where you want to go, but you can invite him along, and make the journey look intriguing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks for acknowledging his poor use of ‘sex fiend’. He used to call me sexually repressed. So now, I’m no longer repressed and I’m on board for more. He loves me for sure and my love for him is immeasurable.

I actually felt judged and embarrassed when he called me a sex fiend. Recovery from this statement feels like a punch in the gut.
 

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The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!

Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.

I got into oral sex for him when I initially viewed this as a ‘filthy and disgusting’ act. He convinced me when he said, “Don’t you want to please your man?”. I did want to please him and then I just did it. So there’s precedence. However, no matter the issue what YOU wouldn’t do really isn’t on the table is it?

I’m confused, I thought the rules said, “No judgement”...FAIL
 

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The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!

Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.

I got into oral sex for him when I initially viewed this as a ‘filthy and disgusting’ act. He convinced me when he said, “Don’t you want to please your man?”. I did want to please him and then I just did it. So there’s precedence. However, no matter the issue what YOU wouldn’t do really isn’t on the table is it?

I’m confused, I thought the rules said, “No judgement”...FAIL
It's ok if you wanted to post here, but I don't know that our POV matters more than the womens' does. I agree there should be No Judgment, at least for stuff that is ethical and safe, and what you suggested is.

You do need to be a little careful if you're going the anal penetration route, but it can be done safely.
 

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Thanks for acknowledging his poor use of ‘sex fiend’. He used to call me sexually repressed. So now, I’m no longer repressed and I’m on board for more. He loves me for sure and my love for him is immeasurable.

I actually felt judged and embarrassed when he called me a sex fiend. Recovery from this statement feels like a punch in the gut.
Tone, body language, and context of the conversation can't ever be known here. How you take a comment's meaning doesn't make it how the comment was meant to be taken. None of us were there. Have you talked to him about that comment? If it hurt you, bring it up for clarification.

Just sayin, ive gotten "into trouble" for a comment taken out of the context I was trying to deliver it in. My fault for not making it clear I guess, but assigning meaning to another person's words without clarification is one's own fault.


As for the other stuff, express it the same way he did to you. "Don't you want to please your woman?" Turn that line around on him and remind him how you've done the same for him. Then discuss it with HIM. Not sure how we would help you.


Finally, get over what others think. Maybe 1 or 2 women on this forum would put up with my ****, possibly none of them. Doesn't matter, my wife puts up with my ****.
 

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The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!
Here on TAM, both men and women post in every forum. For example, typically if you post in the women's forum, more men post there than women.

I think that the woman who posted her POV about anal sex was equating her feelings about it to your husband's feels about it. The point? Basically that some people have very strong feelings about doing these things and sometimes we need to respect that this is who they are.

Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.

I got into oral sex for him when I initially viewed this as a ‘filthy and disgusting’ act. He convinced me when he said, “Don’t you want to please your man?”. I did want to please him and then I just did it. So there’s precedence. However, no matter the issue what YOU wouldn’t do really isn’t on the table is it?
It sounds like you have been more open to him pushing you beyond your limits for a long time. Is he this ridged on other things and not take your suggestions?

I’m confused, I thought the rules said, “No judgement”...FAIL
Talking about one's own feelings about a sex act is not judgement of you, the OP (original poster).

If you are going to continue to post on TAM, I suggest that you learn to reply to others respectfully as this type of mean spirted response is against forum rules.
 

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Thanks for acknowledging his poor use of ‘sex fiend’. He used to call me sexually repressed. So now, I’m no longer repressed and I’m on board for more. He loves me for sure and my love for him is immeasurable.

I actually felt judged and embarrassed when he called me a sex fiend. Recovery from this statement feels like a punch in the gut.
What has been his attitude toward sex over the years? He called you repressed before - was he more adventuresome than you during that time? Or did he just want it more often?

When he called you a "sex fiend" this time, do you know why? Was it what you were suggesting? The frequency of your desire for sex now? The fact that you want to spice things up?

And did he say it in a judgmental way or was he maybe joking that he suddenly "has a little sex fiend on his hands" which is usually not a bad thing to most men...

Could he be resentful of times in the past when he wanted more sex and more variety and you were resistant?

If his problem is just this one sex act, and not the frequency you want or the idea of spicing things up, it seems there could be a lot of things to try. Knowing WHAT his objection to it is, is important. Some other things you could try might be:

Blin
  • dfolds and one of you tying the other one up
  • New positions (if your bodies are flexible, LOL
  • TOYS!!! Except I think you suggested that and he said no, but maybe you could start with something of your own like someone suggested.
  • You wearing lingerie and trying to seduce him (though I suppose that would feel pretty humiliating if he wasn't interested.)
  • What about you taking some sexy pictures of yourself in lingerie and texting them to him with a sexy message (unless he'd be upset you unleashed that into digital space).
  • Giving him a luxurious back, hand, or foot rub
  • Writing him a naughty poem or writing down a sexual fantasy of yours about him like it's a story
  • Taking a bath together if you have a big enough tub
  • Role playing - meeting up at a bar but pretending you don't know each other (if he'd try that).
  • Or just going out somewhere romantic with music and slow dancing like highschoolers.
  • Wearing a skirt then taking your panties off in the car and smiling at him right before you get out. Or wearing whatever you want but no panties and then on the way to where you're going telling him "I have a secret..." then handing him a really sexy pair of undies then say "I'm not wearing any panties..."
DANG! I'm getting myself all hot and bothered! I need to keep this list of ideas for myself even if you don't end up using it, LOL.

PS one thing my man keeps telling me is that he'd love it if I just woke him up for sex in the middle of the night sometime. I said "You say that but whenever I initiate you claim it's not a good time. And he said "I'm not talking about ASKING me, I'm talking about JUST TAKING IT from me." Well alright then! I'm going to stop worrying about depriving him of sleep! Of course if your H called you a fiend, maybe he would not appreciate being woken up to a BJ... But I know a lot of guys claim they would.

PPS I just realized that some of the things on my list are SEXY but don't involve actual SEX. Some of that may be less threatening to him than you wanting a new sex act he's not comfortable with, because it would be you doing something that hopefully would turn him on and get in his head, but it wouldn't put him on the spot to immediately do anything in that moment.
 

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Tell him briefly he gets one, just one, free pass on the calling you a sex fiend thing. You may have taken him by surprise, I don't know the context.

And this is a lighthearted conversation at least for now, as you tell him of the free pass. Make sure he understands the seriousness of hiw you'll take it, if he continues to choose the wrong words as you press on.

Then, lighthearted still, tell him you still want to try it, or more kink/fetish activities, include you're not saying things are bad by no means, you just want to try some more things, as he's mentioned.

He may have some true, some false, conception about anal, be prepared with info as you see fit. Preparation for this action can be considered actions that remove preconceptions and increase pleasure for all.

Remember you've been married a long time, you two can have a good conversation about sex. If two spouses in a M ltr can't talk about sex, that's an issue.

I mean, two folks who are supposed to have sex the rest of their lives with only each other, must be able to talk about it. Especially after 26 yrs.

If he's a no go, hard line, still get the toys you want, and incorporate them in love making as you see fit.

You don't need his permission to try some new things, if you will.

Remember you're at minimum 50% of those involved in your bedroom encounters in a marriage. Your opinions and desires are just as valid as his.

It may be necessary to ease him into this, but if you want to try it, he should at least think of you and give it a try.
 
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