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Or maybe it's trust and lack of communication.

I've never blogged before, and I'm only here because I don't want to vent to my friends and family anymore.

I've cried wolf a few times that my husband was leaving me, that I was leaving him. But we have always mended...for some odd reason I don't believe it's because of each other or the kids. but the fact that we don't want to be the bad guys.

Let's start from the begining, as short as I can without making this a book.

I was infatuated with my husband. I had a crush on him way back from high school. We never got together until a year after I had my daughter. It was magical. A man who I thought I could never have, was interested in me. I was dating another man, and he told me he was moving away. This was sad but great news all together because of my new found interest. New found interest and I dated, and shortly thereafter, moved in together. Raising my daughter. Blissfully happy and blissfully blinded by love.

He was hardly home. Still young and free and wild spirited. I was lonely as I had dropped all of my friends to be at his beck and call. Everytime my friends would call to hang out it was "let me check with him to see what he's doing". And usually I would get the third degree about spending time with my friends instead of him.

So eventually, my friends stopped calling.

I was a book worm. But even if he was watching a hockey game, and I would be reading, he would take my book and throw it, jealous that I was not paying attention to him. Even though i wasn't interested in watching the game.

So eventually, I stopped reading.
I stopped writting
I stopped painting, doing puzzles, going out.

I stopped all that made me, me.

Years later, things never changed. We would get into arguments about financial matters...parenting...life goals...the typical stuff.

he did whatever he wanted and I just stayed home and waited.
And waited.

We dated for 7 years. I always wanted a beautiful wedding day. I wanted to plan and host a wedding. But I'm debating now if I just wanted the wedding and not a marriage. Cause now...I'm lost. I'm deflated, I'm bitter, i'm angry, i'm lost! Period.

We've been married 5 years now. I could keep writing and writing about all the crap in between, but the thing that is wrecking us now...

As much as he said that he was trying to provide me with the attention and love that I was requesting, I didn't feel it was enough. And I met a guy through a friend. Male version of me. Someone that was just like me. Someone that likes the same things as I do, someone that understood me the way I was.

There was no sexual chemisty on my part but I felt content and happy at the attention and the connection with him. We would hang out together with our kids...never alone...and we would text constantly while my husband was not at home and not even sleeping in the same bed (which he blames me of that because I would let our son sleep in our bed, because his room is downstairs and I would rather have him sleep up with me than both of us alone, or because of the bed that we have doesn't allow him to dangle his feet over the bed, even though i've offered to remove or get a new bed which he said nevermind..., or it's too hot in the room or...there was always an excuse, but it's my fault.)

I looked forward to talking to him EVERY DAY! He admitted that he had feelings for me. And I didn't want to lose this connection, I admitted that he may have been my soul mate, as I had never met someone that I had such a connection with. But I was still intending to be friends for now. My husband and I have NEVER had anything in common. Never had the same interests! Are you to marry your soul mate or opposites attract? So confused...any way...

We continued hanging out with the kids...and one morning I was going to be close to his work and decided to meet up for coffee. Innocent meeting, that lead to a kiss goodbye. I felt guilty but excited.

Two nights later, the Ipad beeps and it's an email from him. I didn't see it...my husband did. It wasn't anything horrendous, nothing sexual (as far as I recall) but his declaration of feelings for me.

It hurt my husband. And I feel horrible for what I had begun.

Long story short, it was a week of "I'm leaving, no I love you to pieces, no I'm not, I don't know what I'm doing..." i was in complete limbo. And understood how hurt he was. With his approval, I set up a session with a psychologist. We met with her and it was "it was just a kiss and she's willing to forget this man and that's it, let's continue meeting each other to try and fix this..."

And as expected, he watched my texts, facebook, email like a hawk. Always keeping tabs as to where I was at all times and who I was talking to and so on.

He was looking through the whole house for evidence of anything, he was going through all my stuff. I felt ashamed, dishonest and like a child.

Couple days of "being a horrible devil woman" things subsided a little and he was begining to trust me a little bit. I would still openly show him all of my technology...and things were getting better. He declared that he was not going to leave me and that he was going to forgive me.

One day at home with the kids, for some odd reason, I felt the urge/need to check his email just like he had mine. I didn't expect to see anything...I had suspicions that he was quite friendly with some ladies from work, but didn't think he would do anything. he has always been a ladies' man and has always been flirtatious.

What I found...floored me! But I wasn't angry. I was relieved and kind of happy!

He had at least FOUR women chatting with him. He was supposedly meeting women in chat rooms and chatting with them for thrill and excitement that I wasn't giving him (the similiar as to what I was looking for that I wasn't getting from him but not in a sexual way...)

Some of the emails were SHOCKING. He was sending pics of his "you know" and who knows what they were sending him. he was planning on meeting up with some. There was a thread of emails with one lady that he actually met up with. "Just for coffee" he says. But when an email says "hey, I'm going to be bringing condoms, just in case." Another text from a former high school "pal" calling him Lover and "sext me...don't tell the wife" blah blah blah.

He was leading a double life too. And he had the audacity of making me feel like....like dirt.

When I approached him of this, he denied ever doing ANYTHING with these women and that there was NOTHING with his high school pal. That he had gone over to her house one day for a beer on her deck. And took our kids to an amusement park with this other women. When he had berated me about doing the same thing.

He says that what I did was worse because I had an emotional attachment with this guy. I'm not trying to figure out who was "More" wrong. We both are!

We've always had a rocky unstable not that great relationship/marriage. I'm not certain how I feel about him anymore, because I don't even know who I am anymore and what I want.

I have journals from years ago depicting how sad/lonely/angry I felt with him. But yet...my friend tells me "You still got married and you're still together...so there must be something"....

what's that something?

I don't trust him! He doesn't trust me! He wants sex, I want companionship. He's trying.... I'm done trying!

I have no idea what I want any longer, my passions, ambitions desires and dreams no longer ring my bell.

I dont know why. I dont know what I want out of life anymore, i dont know what im doing or what I want to do.

Its hard not to have direction and i feel so sad like im slowly rotting away doing nothing, draining my time. My children are my one and all! I love my children more than anything and I want a happy place for them.
 

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People are too stupid for technology.

Amazing that people waste $$$ on data so that their marriages suffer.

FB is NOT building a relationship with your spouse or family...its a time waster.
 

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Technology didn't ruin your marriage. People with bad boundaries ruined your marriage. Those chat sessions and emails didn't get sent by themselves, you know?

C
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:iagree: :iagree:

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Either BOTH of you smarten the heck up and stop all this nonsense, or end it and figure out why you're the way you are before moving on to someone else.

Technology has nothing to do with it.
 

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Hi - because of your child, I will suggest marriage counseling. Both of you are very unhappy but you owe it to your child to exhaust all options prior to divorcing.

Your husband is so controlling that you cannot have friends & read books....seriously?

What stands out in your post to me is that you feel like you have lost yourself & blame your marriage. Unless you are being held hostage with restraints, you have free will. I think you need a heavy dose of individual counseling to regain your self-esteem.

Do you have a job?
 

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Hi - because of your child, I will suggest marriage counseling. Both of you are very unhappy but you owe it to your child to exhaust all options prior to divorcing.

Your husband is so controlling that you cannot have friends & read books....seriously?

What stands out in your post to me is that you feel like you have lost yourself & blame your marriage. Unless you are being held hostage with restraints, you have free will. I think you need a heavy dose of individual counseling to regain your self-esteem.

Do you have a job?
Thank you for your advice. We have gone to one counselling session so far and have another one coming up. The first counselling session was to discuss of my indiscretions, as his were not of light yet. The next session will be interesting to see what is said and done.

I have free will, i agree, and I know that I need help for myself. Lack of self esteem, and depression...and the list goes on.

I let myself become someone I thought he wanted me to be instead of remaining myself. Which he now dislikes.

I work full time yes outside of the home.
 
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