[kib]

I appreciated comments to my last thread, but I think I may have missed the mark so I'm trying it again. Thanks for your patience!

I met and married my husband rather quickly, about three years ago. When we met I was going through an unprecedented rough time at work, he was coming out of a divorce and rebuilding his life. While we both had our own interests, it felt like we were a team as well. I was happy as a single, but I really craved this idea of building a life together with someone else.

Right now, I'm wondering what happened, because three years down the road he has a list of lovely goals - and not a single one has anything to do with our life together, if anything, they're constantly held up as excuses for why he can't participate in our life. I'm beginning to feel like "will you marry me" wasn't shorthand for "let's build a life together", it was shorthand for "let me use you to build a life for myself." He's not a bad guy, I don't hate him, but I'm very disappointed to keep reaching for this sense of partnership and coming up empty.

Any advice on how to change this, or where to even begin a dialog on it?

 

[Harvard]

Did he used to do things with you more often with you?

 

[kib]

I think what's precipitating this whole issue is that I'm extremely dissatisfied with the house we currently live in. I own the house outright. It worked ok for me as a single, it really doesn't work for me anymore. It works ok for Him, because I spend my days making it sure it does. I'm bored, I'm exhausted, and I'm tired of being married to a house that's behaves like a crotchety old relative who can't stop asking you for attention. Paint me! Shore up my retaining walls! I'm hot! I'm cold! I'm thirsty! I wet myself! Replace my roof! Aaargh. I want to move to a decent house. Moving to a place that would really work for my husband and gives me a better quality of life means he's going to have to take on a mortgage to pay for his half of it. I don't want to go through all the hassle of selling the idea, and then the hassle of selling the old house and finding a new one and on and on and on, only to find that we're still not on the same page and all I've done is to make a life that's still not a partnership more complicated, expensive and intertwined.

 

[Blanca]

So it sounds to me like what you are saying is you want to sell the house because its run down, but he doesnt want to because then he'd have to pay a mortgage payment. so you feel like he's using you so that things can be easy for him? it doesnt feel like a partnership?

have you talked to him about the house? and he says he doesnt want to move?

 

[kib]

Maybe my issue is that I have really babied my husband who wants to act like a child for the last three years, and I've finally reached a breaking point in wanting an involved, adult partner who gives his share of the work in the marriage, for the team, not a teenaged son who pays rent. I have no idea how to say that in a way that has a chance in hell of working, or how to even approach it, with someone who is very happy to be the baby and extremely good at being defensive and hostile when there is the remotest suggestion that this isn't working. It's not just that I feel used, it's that I feel trapped - I'm the Mom. As long as I'm stuck with this house, if I abdicate the Mom role the house is literally going to fall apart; it's nearly 100 years old and it needs a caretaker.

I guess ... what I want is an effective way to say, "Honey, I really want to stop being your mother, I want you to act like a partner, not a son, and the first step is that you need to go about $80,000 into debt and stop using my own house to hold me hostage." Somehow I don't see it working out too well. ;-)

ETA: I would be willing to put up with the difficult house IF I felt we were both equally inconvenienced by it and I felt that we were spending our time and money working toward something else, together. A new house would be a clear winner in that category, to me, but it isn't the Only solution. If We were dealing with the house while We were saving up and researching for a really amazing vacation to a place We wanted to visit, I'd feel somewhat better, at least there would be a shared goal. As it is, I feel like he gets to spend $80K on whatever he wants over time (his own vacation by himself on his new motorcycle appears to be the next goal on the horizon), while I get to babysit this freakin house.

ETA (Sorry, I'm prattling on today): I know I sound really mad and resentful and bitter and victimized. I honestly believe I can let all that go, I don't want revenge, I just want things to be different, and I don't know how to get there.

 

[Blanca]

ah, i see. well, the way i see it is you have to start by giving the situation time to rearrange. so however long it took you to get to this point, you have to give it as long to get to where you want. at least, that is the approach ive taken in my marriage.

as far as how to say it to him, well, you just blurt out exactly what you are feeling. and then you fight. hopefully by the end of the fight (or numerous fights as is my situation) you eventually learn what it is you really want to say and how to say it. but you are going to have to fight about it for awhile; at least as long as you have not been fighting about it.

but, if you really feel like he's not going to change, you may consider just moving on. it may be that this is just who he is. it takes a lot of energy to try and turn a situation around, and if he's just the kind of guy that doesnt like being a partner (my sister is dating one of those) then you might not want to waste your energy.

 

[kib]

... Three years, huh. Well ... If it's fight or flight, I guess I'll try fight first. Is there a section here on effective combat? Because this is how it usually goes:

Me: Honey, I love you sweetiepants, you're a great guy, but I feel this. Him: silence. Me: Helloooo dearest, ... I FEEL THIS! Him: silence. Me: HEY, ****head, are you even listening? I FEEL THIS, you &*(- &*() !!! Him: I have to pee. Me: Oh, that was terrible, sniff sob sniffle, I'm so sorry ... I was so awful ... Him: That's ok, I still love you.


Do we Ever get the communication skills we need?

 

[preso]

team us, requires first of all marrying the right person for you, one who shares your ideals and lifes goals. Your supposed to find all that out before you marry, not try and change someone into what you want them to want and be.