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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
Marriage statistics are like opinions. Everyone has one none of them match up perfectly. El has a great article how the common stats cited are wrong.

I do think the rate of divorce and the rate of reconciliation are misrepresented on this site just because most of the people here are divorced and didn't reconcile so they assume that is the way it is all the time. I know plenty of people who aren't divorced and plenty who are.
Or maybe this site tells the real story which is usually unknown in our daily relationships. The couple down the street that split after the wife turned up pregnant don't publicize that the pregnancy resulted after a 6 month spree banging her best friend behind the husband's back.

The more threads I read here, the more have moved into the "Divorce" camp for those betrayed. The meme that cheaters are a special breed shows over and over. When I joined TAM, was believer in trying to repair the damage. But in most cases seems the WS justifies their behavior and thinks the betrayed needs to repair the relationship.

My default advice now would be to file for Divorce as soon as betrayal is confirmed and never look back. No reconciliation under any circumstances, time and money better spent starting over. Grey rock the WS.
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 · (Edited)
Evidently there is a document somewhere, entitled "Cheaters Handbook"? My impression is that TAM veterans would point to that document as outlining how to identify a cheater as they all exhibit the same personality traits. The threads I have read about it certainly confirms a commonality among the wayward. Where would the document be found?

What I was trying to suggest when started this thread is that there are books, websites, other resources that TAM veterans mention when advising how to deal with various issues. NMMNG for example is usually mentioned when wife loses respect for her husband. Various others are mentioned when there are sexual problems in the marriage. "Cheaters Handbook" is mentioned for those betrayed.

Are the resources summarized somewhere on TAM?
 

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IDK about cheater's handbook, but the research I've read says that the behavior of cheaters falls into a bunch of different categories.

If you want to immerse yourself in the concensus of the TAM veterans, go for it, but I would point out how concensus develops on the internet. People gravitate towards a forum having opinions consistent w/ their own. People who had a bad time tend to post more often and more vociferously. So in this forum, people whose spouses cheated tend to dominate the posting. I'm not knocking them, but I would take that into account when you read stuff here. While I don't defend adulterers, I think negative opinions of them are going to be more popular than more objective pieces.
 

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It's also good to ask follow up questions. Sometimes you get answers that shows how and why that course of action was right for that person.
some people (not here) had chided me for telling my future husband that we could not go further in our relationship until he dumped "the friend." and so he did. I suspect those women on another message board who had chided me probably liked the idea of having male friends, being wined and dined and not having to put out. So one needs to assess as best as possible what could be motivating one's stance on a matter.

One reason divorce is offered as a solution so often is that you just can't make another adult stop doing what hurts / bothers / annoys you unless you have a third party involved. Neighbors are regulated by the Housing Association. Coworkers are regulated by HR and employment law. Friends are regulated by what one can do for the other. ie, "Piss me off too much and I'll take you off my guest list."

How can a married couple reconcile when one side wants to continue sampling?
 
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