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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Reading a lot of posts, rather consistent concepts seem to run through responses from TAM veterans. For example, in coping with infidelity, betrayed are advised to just divorce the offender and move on. Attempting to repair damage is discouraged because success probability is essentially zero. For marital problems other than infidelity, counseling of one sort or another is recommended.

So, is there a summary sticky somewhere on this site laying out the default concepts for those dealing with marital issues? If so where is it? If not wouldn't that help people searching for answers? It would also help us non-veterans to avoid offering "borderline unethical" advice contrary to TAM wisdom.
 

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Why would you hesitate to offer advice that is contrary to the TAM concensus? Calling this concensus "wisdom" suggests you have unwarranted faith in it.
 

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first off, we are not specially trained professionals. We are just average citizens and strangers on the internet. I have offered my thoughts, opinions, perspectives and experiences and knowledge that I have obtained over 57 years of life on earth...... but whether anything I have ever offered is ethical, accurate or even the least bit appropriate is open for debate.

There are some stickies at the top of each forum that highlight some good discussions. But there is no one-size-fits-all and none of us are prophets that have any end all/be all answers to anything.

I can tell you what has worked and what has not worked in my own situations. And I can tell you what I think. But I don't pretend to have any actual answers for anyone else.
 

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And none of us here should ever be considered "experts."

At best we have attended the School of Hard Knocks at some point. A few may be graduates. Some are still enrolled.

And many have been suspended, expelled, dropped out or sent to the principals office.
 

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So, is there a summary sticky somewhere on this site laying out the default concepts for those dealing with marital issues? If so where is it? If not wouldn't that help people searching for answers? It would also help us non-veterans to avoid offering "borderline unethical" advice contrary to TAM wisdom.
Much if not most of the advice here is users projecting their own experiences onto yours. When it fits, it fits, and when it doesn't, well...

There's nothing unethical about any advice you might add as long as it isn't illegal and doesn't violate the posted rules of the board. Anyone is free to adopt or ignore it. FTMP, we don't know any more than you do about human relations, even if there are those here who will try to convince you otherwise.
 

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Reading a lot of posts, rather consistent concepts seem to run through responses from TAM veterans. For example, in coping with infidelity, betrayed are advised to just divorce the offender and move on. Attempting to repair damage is discouraged because success probability is essentially zero. For marital problems other than infidelity, counseling of one sort or another is recommended.

So, is there a summary sticky somewhere on this site laying out the default concepts for those dealing with marital issues? If so where is it? If not wouldn't that help people searching for answers? It would also help us non-veterans to avoid offering "borderline unethical" advice contrary to TAM wisdom.
There are no experts here. We are just people trying to help other people based on our own experiences and the many experiences we have read. No experts or Gurus around here...LOL. Oldshirt summed it up quite well regarding the stickies that are in place. TAM rules is also a great placed to go to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
And none of us here should ever be considered "experts."

At best we have attended the School of Hard Knocks at some point. A few may be graduates. Some are still enrolled.

And many have been suspended, expelled, dropped out or sent to the principals office.
At least one of posters have acknowledged being professional counselors. A few others state they are in legal profession. Several are in medical or social work. So seems at least some have something beyond their personal experiences
 

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At least one of posters have acknowledged being professional counselors. A few others state they are in legal profession. Several are in medical or social work. So seems at least some have something beyond their personal experiences
Yes, but they're not YOUR counselors or lawyers. Their advice is generic and possibly valuable, but you have to take it in the same vein as other contributors.
 

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At least one of posters have acknowledged being professional counselors. A few others state they are in legal profession. Several are in medical or social work. So seems at least some have something beyond their personal experiences
I don't know that anyone here has misrepresented their credentials, but on the internet, it does happen.
 

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At least one of posters have acknowledged being professional counselors. A few others state they are in legal profession. Several are in medical or social work. So seems at least some have something beyond their personal experiences
We all have some collective wisdom and all have some kind of input we can throw into the mix from our professional lives.

But a patent lawyer in Virginia shouldn't be considered an actual legal expert on family law matters for someone in Oregon.

Same is true with any kind of counselor or medical professional as there is no client-professional relationship here.

I am a health care professional but if I am out for dinner and someone at the next table over collapses, what am I?? A bystander.

I will do what I can to help until paramedics arrive, but I am in fact a bystander helping out until the on-duty professionals arrive with the proper equipment and resources.

This is the internet and we are bystanders and observers and have no client-professional relationship. We are just sharing our own personal opinions, thoughts and experiences.
 

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Yes, but they're not YOUR counselors or lawyers. Their advice is generic and possibly valuable, but you have to take it in the same vein as other contributors.
Yes, exactly and thank you for pointing this truth out!
I'm a retired teacher with a masters in counseling and a minor in psychology. I can do private counseling, but I honestly am far from being an expert in relationships. My experience and strength is in dealing with child psychology and the impact trauma, neglect, abuse, etc. affect a child's performance in school and relationships surrounding my place of work. Not even close to handling couple, individual or marriage counseling. If I did, I would be making money in private practice and not cheapening my craft so to speak. I come here because I was both the BS and the WS at one time in my long life...:)
 
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Reading a lot of posts, rather consistent concepts seem to run through responses from TAM veterans. For example, in coping with infidelity, betrayed are advised to just divorce the offender and move on. Attempting to repair damage is discouraged because success probability is essentially zero. For marital problems other than infidelity, counseling of one sort or another is recommended.

So, is there a summary sticky somewhere on this site laying out the default concepts for those dealing with marital issues? If so where is it? If not wouldn't that help people searching for answers? It would also help us non-veterans to avoid offering "borderline unethical" advice contrary to TAM wisdom.
Most people don't post on here to get "expert" advice. Most half-intelligent adults who post here know they are posting to normal people who have some experience with marriage in some way, but aren't at all qualified as any type of professionals.

You are also not recognizing that most people aren't looking for "expert" advice anyway - most people just want an empathetic ear to hear them, or they want to write out their challenges to understand them better, or they want to hear someone else's perspective, and they want anonymity...THAT'S the value of TAM.

Anyone who actually wants an "expert" opinion has tons of other specifically labeled resources to choose from.
 

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We speak as we find — nothing more. We’re all different. My experience is decades of being a betrayed spouse and the difficulties of trying to reconcile during that time. I am rarely a supporter of reconciliation because of what I lived. That doesn’t mean it’s doomed to failure every time and I get that people often try against all odds, and want encouragement, but I usually try to stay away from those threads because they’re a huge trigger. I joined to help people who were like me — women ending long dysfunctional marriages, maybe having reconciled once or twice and discovering that didn’t work. That doesn’t mean I limit myself only to those threads but they’re usually my focus when they appear. Since I’ve been here, I think there’s been a shift among posters from more of a pro-reconciliation position to one that’s not. Maybe it’s because most of those old posters are gone now and newer ones have different ideas.
 

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A lot of times people just want to vent and spout to other people that understand where they are coming from. A lot of people simply want to be heard and understood rather than fixed.

And some basically want others to cheer the hero (them) and boo the villains (whoever they are having the issue with).
 

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We speak as we find — nothing more. We’re all different. My experience is decades of being a betrayed spouse and the difficulties of trying to reconcile during that time. I am rarely a supporter of reconciliation because of what I lived.
Relating your experience is a good data point, and people may learn from it, so thank you.

What some people will do though, is to go from "It didn't work for me" to "It never works". I don't have an opinion on reconciliation, it just came up as an example.
 

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Relating your experience is a good data point, and people may learn from it, so thank you.

What some people will do though, is to go from "It didn't work for me" to "It never works". I don't have an opinion on reconciliation, it just came up as an example.
True. I recognize it can work for some. I just don’t have a lot of faith that it works for the majority. Had it worked for me, it’s possible that I might feel differently about the overall success rate. Not sure though because I tend to be a skeptic in general.
 

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All this place does is offer opinions and advice. I am not sure there is such a thing as an expert in any of this.
 
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