Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 46 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My wife found TAM a while back when we were having problems. She did a lot of reading, and got some good advice, and it helped quite a bit.

The problem is, spending time on TAM now seems to have taken on a life of its own, and now it is causing more harm than good. She spends far too much time reading and posting (IMO), she seems to immerse herself in other peoples problems and absorbs the depression and negative emotions, she pours everything she has into her posts to try to help people (she was helped here, and I think she feels an obligation to pay back), and at the end of the day I am left with an irritated, grumpy, shell of a wife.

It's difficult to prove because it's a matter of degree. It's not like she was never distant or distracted or tired in the past (everyone is), but now she is consistently more distant and more distracted and more tired, and over the last year or so her time on TAM has increased to the point where she is probably here a couple hours a day, and when I am home she is constantly checking on certain threads and she gets irritated when she doesn't keep up with what's going on.

We've talked about it, but she denies that her time on-line is the problem. She blames her moods on being busy, or she blames the problems on me because I have a stressful job. She insists that her time on TAM helps her. It almost sounds like what you'd hear from an addict and I considered posting in Relationships and Addictions (but those folks are dealing with much more serious issues). Anyway, there seems to be no way to prove it one way or another.

Has anyone else dealt with this, and do you have any advice? I've been a long time lurker and I think I saw threads along these lines before, but I can't find them now.

Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I did not tell her I posted and I don't think she knows I have an account. I opened the account a while back to learn a little more about the site because she spoke highly of it.

There is a chance she may see this thread and guess it's me. If that happens, I'll own up to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,869 Posts
So many women will be looking over at their husbands to see if this is him :)

Immersing herself in TAM could be a symptom of being stressed and not necessarily the cause.
Where does she typically post? Some areas make me more upset than others. I usually have to stay pretty far away from the infidelity board and if I do land on there I can only read for a bit before I see some derogatory comment that makes me upset.

How are things going other than that? How much time do you spend a week together alone? How are you dealing with the stress from your job? Do you guys have a plan to get less busy at some point?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
So many women will be looking over at their husbands to see if this is him :) I'm doing my part to spread Christmas cheer :grin2:

Immersing herself in TAM could be a symptom of being stressed and not necessarily the cause. That's true.

Where does she typically post? Some areas make me more upset than others. I usually have to stay pretty far away from the infidelity board and if I do land on there I can only read for a bit before I see some derogatory comment that makes me upset. She tends to spend her time in SIM. Sex (or rather lack thereof) was a big problem in our marriage.

How are things going other than that? How much time do you spend a week together alone? How are you dealing with the stress from your job? Do you guys have a plan to get less busy at some point? For a while things were great, and we were spending more time together. But slowly, over time, we've slid into a rut. Lately we've been saying that we need to spend more time together away from the kids, but we never seem to find the time. I know it sounds like a weak excuse. I readily admit to being frustrated when I find out she has been spending significant time here, and it makes me lose enthusiasm for arranging dates. It has been a problem between us for a while and I need to work on that. On the other hand, is it unreasonable to expect her to walk away from this forum if it's becoming a problem for us (or if I say I am perceiving a problem)? It's not as if she doesn't have friends and family (and me and the kids). She is not alone by any means. But she seems obsessed with TAM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Let me try this a different way. If you're married and your spouse asked you to leave TAM, would you do it? Assume they truly believed TAM was hurting the marriage.

Maybe I should have made this a poll. I think it's too late now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,869 Posts
If you don't mind, was she on the LD or HD end of the sexual problem?

How bad is the TAM addiction? Does she do it when she should be doing other things (taking care of the kids, cooking, had something else planned) or is it her downtime when there isn't anything else really going on?

What kinds of things would you like her to be doing with you when you are home together instead of TAM? If you planned something, even if it's just putting on movie and popping some popcorn, would she be happy about shutting the computer off for it or would she be annoyed she's missing her threads?

Do you have a thing you do? TV, video games, computer, etc? I am on TAM often but H watches youtube or plays his games while I am so we both have a downtime thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,160 Posts
HA, you could be my husband easily. I mean, I know I can't be Mrs. Mulligan. But most of the facts line up pretty well.

I spend a lot of time here, primarily because i'm an escapist. When my life is unsatisfactory, and i have a a problem that i don't have the tools to fix, it give me satisfaction to come on here and offer advice when i can. I like puzzles and problem solving. And there are some great people on here, lots to learn. Maybe some of its schadenfreude, who knows.

Is there anything at home or work that she's trying to get away from mentally?

I've seen a few times on TAM, where people will tell you that if you are the one taking issue, then you will have to be the one who makes the effort. Even if it is her "fault". Either that, or accept that you will stay in a vicious cycle. In fact, i just copied this word for word off of another thread. He says it more eloquently than i can.

The trouble with any approach where no-one does anything because both people aren't is that it ignores a simple truth: The job that takes the longest is the one that no-one is prepared to start.

If both partners sit there waiting for the other one to do something, guess what? Neither of them will. Someone has to act.

As for it being her issue to solve, well, it might be, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her, so she's not likely to go charging off to fix it unilaterally, is she?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,160 Posts
Let me try this a different way. If you're married and your spouse asked you to leave TAM, would you do it? Assume they truly believed TAM was hurting the marriage.

Maybe I should have made this a poll. I think it's too late now.
You can start a new thread with a poll. post the link here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
744 Posts
IMO and I Am a female.

Telling her leave the forum could do some damage, she feels the site helped her a lot and would probably feel lost. My H knows I'm on here , he is busy doing his own thing but we do still spend quality time in the evenings.

She does need to learn to keep the forum out of her relationship, if it is affecting her mood/attitude. It is hard sometimes because you really start to feel, what the other person is going through especially if you can relate and you want to help them all you can.

I would first try to talk to her about limiting her time in evenings and spending that time with you (communication is key). Keep in mind she could be doing something worse online as we all could be, but instead we are here going through it together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
877 Posts
TAM has helped me immensely, however, I can understand your concerns. I have found that when I read some of the posts, it rekindles some of the resentments I worked so hard to get rid of. I want to share & help other people with what I have learned, BUT, sometimes I have to limit my exposure. Otherwise, I find myself feeling frustrated when really, my marriage has improved.

Could you wife agree to limiting time?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
If you don't mind, was she on the LD or HD end of the sexual problem? she was LD, I was HD.

How bad is the TAM addiction? Does she do it when she should be doing other things (taking care of the kids, cooking, had something else planned) or is it her downtime when there isn't anything else really going on? There is an effect on her productivity, but it's not horrible. She manages the kids (she is a SAHM) and much of the household chores. Some things don't get done (e.g., grocery shopping might get postponed, or cleaning), and it's an inconvenience, but it is not creating any real hardship.

What kinds of things would you like her to be doing with you when you are home together instead of TAM? If you planned something, even if it's just putting on movie and popping some popcorn, would she be happy about shutting the computer off for it or would she be annoyed she's missing her threads? It's not that she is unavailable physically, it is that she is not herself after spending time here. She is distant, irritable, things like that. I often think of it as being "empty", like she has nothing left. She'll gladly do something with me if I set it up, but she is distracted and tired. Dead weight. It's not fun. It would be easy to say it's just because she is bust, and I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt except that there seems to be a correlation with her time on TAM. But there is no way I can prove it. And now I become irritated when it happens, which doesn't help.

Do you have a thing you do? TV, video games, computer, etc? I am on TAM often but H watches youtube or plays his games while I am so we both have a downtime thing. I spend some time in the evenings reading on-line. I am not active in forums, but I often read about things that interest me. She often brings this up, but I don't spend more time doing this than she spends reading the paper. And I usually watch a football game each week. And I go to the gym a few days a week (which she does too), and go out with friends every once in a while (which she does also). Other than that, it is work, time with the kids, and household chores. She and I usually split dinner and clean up each night. I don't begrudge her the time she takes for herself, and everyone needs downtime. It is the effect her mood that I see as the problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,363 Posts
It's called "helpers high". She gets a high(endorphins) helping others. It's actually probably very therapeutic for her. Maybe she could only do it during certain hours like 9p-11p or some other window. Don't take it away from her or you'll have a depressed wife for sure because it would be a loss to her psyche. Hope this helps!! Dude
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,974 Posts
Let me try this a different way. If you're married and your spouse asked you to leave TAM, would you do it? Assume they truly believed TAM was hurting the marriage.

Maybe I should have made this a poll. I think it's too late now.
Yes if my wife asked me to stop reading/posting at TAM then I would stop. If she thought TAM was a problem then I would much prefer a compromise over an ultimatum though.

I think TAM is the most addictive for people who want to feel like they're helping others and for people searching for more purpose in life. Mulligan, have you considered joining your wife here openly with her knowing your user?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
HA, you could be my husband easily. I mean, I know I can't be Mrs. Mulligan. But most of the facts line up pretty well.

I spend a lot of time here, primarily because i'm an escapist. When my life is unsatisfactory, and i have a a problem that i don't have the tools to fix, it give me satisfaction to come on here and offer advice when i can. I like puzzles and problem solving. And there are some great people on here, lots to learn. Maybe some of its schadenfreude, who knows.

Is there anything at home or work that she's trying to get away from mentally?

I've seen a few times on TAM, where people will tell you that if you are the one taking issue, then you will have to be the one who makes the effort. Even if it is her "fault". Either that, or accept that you will stay in a vicious cycle. In fact, i just copied this word for word off of another thread. He says it more eloquently than i can.
Well, she is a SAHM. I don't blame her for wanting to escape chasing kids, doing laundry, and cleaning bathrooms. I think TAM probably is an escape. And I think she enjoys the conversation here. I think she sees it as productive. But it takes a toll too.

And you are right. I am the one who wants change, so I need to do the work. I'm just not sure how to do it. We've been through a rough time already, and I don't want to drive us into another. But I truly believe this is causing problems, at least for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
IMO and I Am a female.

Telling her leave the forum could do some damage, she feels the site helped her a lot and would probably feel lost. My H knows I'm on here , he is busy doing his own thing but we do still spend quality time in the evenings.

She does need to learn to keep the forum out of her relationship, if it is affecting her mood/attitude. It is hard sometimes because you really start to feel, what the other person is going through especially if you can relate and you want to help them all you can.

I would first try to talk to her about limiting her time in evenings and spending that time with you (communication is key). Keep in mind she could be doing something worse online as we all could be, but instead we are here going through it together.
I agree, ultimatums are not the way to go. And we've tried limiting her time, but she can't seem to regulate herself. We've talked about it and she admits that she sits down to respond to one thread and it turns into an hour and a bunch of posts. And then she keeps coming back all day to check on what's going on in those threads and posting more. But she denies this has any effect on her moods. That's where we keep going around in circles.

I don't mind her spending time here if that's what she wants to do, the problem is that it effects her mood in a way that is a problem, at least for me. By the time the evening gets here, she is spent on TAM (at least that's the main cause IMO) so we don't have that quality time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,441 Posts
It's called "helpers high". She gets a high(endorphins) helping others. It's actually probably very therapeutic for her. Maybe she could only do it during certain hours like 9p-11p or some other window. Don't take it away from her or you'll have a depressed wife for sure because it would be a loss to her psyche. Hope this helps!! Dude
Posted via Mobile Device
More likely its an interactive replacement for reality TV
 
1 - 20 of 46 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top