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Yes, he’s totally cheating! He’s spending all his time and attention focused on HER! He’s trash talking you to her. He’s flirting with her and telling her things about you and intimacy that NO ONE should know!!!

why aren’t YOU doing something about it? Tell him to stop all contact with her! Tell him he’s betraying you and ruining the marriage by being completely inappropriate with the woman.

if he defends his behavior - have him leave immediately! Let him know he’s betrayed you - he knows he has or he wouldn’t be hiding the info!

start calling it what it is - an affair - as he is spending time and attention with a woman when that time and attention should be only focused on you.

if he chooses her - tell him you will file for divorce and get everything you can - because you don’t deserve this crappy behavior from the person you married.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Whenever your husband is chatting with this online friend, do some subtle passive aggressive things to make him uncomfortable while soothing yourself knowing the chat will be uncomfortable for him:
  • Turn off the A/C
  • Do something that smells very foul nearby (burn some microwave popcorn)
  • Create noise pollution (start vacuuming)
  • Sneak up behind him and pour a small container of ants in his hair
You and your relationship will be better in no time!

Cheers,
Badsanta
Well badsanta, you certainly are bad! Whilst a lot of those suggestions aren't really feasible for one reason or another, they certainly did make me laugh!

You also make some good points. Love the car analogy.
 

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Yeah, I'd take screenshots of their messages, publish them publically on social media naming them both and ask all my friends to share.

When he demanded I take it down my response would be "Sign the divorce papers, walk away with nothing and I will you fkn bastard"
 

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Yeah, I'd take screenshots of their messages, publish them publically on social media naming them both and ask all my friends to share.

When he demanded I take it down my response would be "Sign the divorce papers, walk away with nothing and I will you fkn bastard"
thats really not a bad idea! Showing them what it looks like to the general public - since they are ‘just friends’ people can weigh in on whether or not they share those interactions with their own friends.

I usually don’t agree with ‘shaming methods’ but when there is clear evidence and they don’t think it’s inappropriate... expose it to all!!!
Then file!
 

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Discussion Starter #45
thats really not a bad idea! Showing them what it looks like to the general public - since they are ‘just friends’ people can weigh in on whether or not they share those interactions with their own friends.

I usually don’t agree with ‘shaming methods’ but when there is clear evidence and they don’t think it’s inappropriate... expose it to all!!!
Then file!
Well, it remains to be seen whether he thinks it is inappropriate or not. And that sounds a bit scorched earth for me, I hate to see people air their dirty laundry in public. I think it makes you look a bit mental for one and for two, usually other people don't really care that much, it just provides them with a laugh/some salacious gossip. I think I would have to have utterly lost the plot for this to happen.

Obviously, I cannot rule out that I will lose the plot at some point.
 

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It doesn’t matter if HE thinks it’s inappropriate or not! He’s been hiding it, and people don’t hide stuff unless they know it’s wrong.
What matters is how it makes YOU feel and the fact that his actions are hurting you and the marriage. That’s why decisions need to be made that gives him consequences for his bad behavior.
 

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Recently I have felt like there is just something off with my marriage. We've been together 20 years and we have had more than our share of ups and downs to be honest, with the things life has thrown at us but through it all I thought we were solid. Last year we did go through a rough patch where we argued a lot, but we seemed to come out the other side.

However, recently things just don't seem right and it's been hard to put my finger on what exactly is wrong, but thinking about it he has been a bit distant and unemotional with me. For example, sometimes I go to hug him and he'll give me a hug for about as little time as he can get away with before walking away. It feels like he can't get away quick enough. When he comes home and says hello to me, it's like... nothing. He could be saying hello to anyone, there's no hug, no kiss, he doesn't seem happy to see me anymore.

I could put this down to stresses and situations in our lives. But there's this one thing. He is a member of some groups online and I'm aware that he chats to people from them online, outside of the groups. I'm not naturally a jealous person and I'm usually unbothered by this, except for this one woman. She was in an abusive relationship and for ages kept leaving then going back to it and he was talking to her through all of this, I think she saw him as some kind of emotional support. She is now out of it for good, for definite. He always seems to be chatting to her recently, one night he was even chatting to her on his laptop after he came to bed, I only saw this because I got up, he had the screen facing away from me.

This has really started to unnerve me, in fact I'd say it's got to the point where it's eating me. He always said I had free access to anything on his devices, he has nothing to hide. So I took him at his word and had a look at the chat between him and this woman. The sheer amount of flirting, innuendo, kisses, loveheart emojis etc made me feel physically sick. :sick::cry:

He hasn't said an awful lot about me, but at one point lately they were talking about height, and he said one of our teenage sons isn't as tall as the other and doesn't like it, to which she said, oh he has his Mum's height then, nothing wrong with being short. To which he replied, "She's short and fat though, lol. Not the best mix." After which he basically told her that even at his heaviest he was all muscle (not true) and she's assured him that she may be short but she's skinny.

Other examples are, he showed her a picture of a cucumber he has grown and she said it looks a bit flat, he replied, "It has the length, girth comes with age. ;) "

She sent him a photo of her daughter's back, which has something wrong with it, and he said, "Now turn." And then, "Oh crap, thought it was you lol."

At one point he told her he was ill in bed, and she said at least he'll get a bedbath from me. And he said, "Chance would be a fine thing, so if you're offering then pop over." She replied, "I would but you're married lmao." He told her I wouldn't mind!

At one point she told him she was sending him something and asked him, raspberry or cherry flavour, he said cherry and then said, "Whoop whoop I took [her name]'s cherry. :D "

Amongst others. This kind of makes it sound like it's all him, but it's definitely not. She's said things like he'd be a sight for sore eyes, that he's the only man she trusts, that when she's at a low ebb she thinks of him and it keeps her going and that after chatting for so long he's stuck with her. All the heart emojis and kisses and everything definitely going two ways.

Now, I can't believe I have to ask this but I am also full of self-doubt. Has he crossed a line here?? He doesn't know I've seen all this yet, I don't think.

Wow, that was long. Sorry. Thanks for reading.
OMG! Way over the line! That’s emotional cheating if it hasn’t gone into anything further. He’s your husband and you don’t have to be having sex with someone else to be cheating. He’s giving her the time, attention, care and support he should be giving you. I would be livid. You’re allowed to be protective of your marriage. If he’s not willing to stop, get counseling to strengthen your relationship, I’m afraid he’s gone too far.
 
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