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Recently I have felt like there is just something off with my marriage. We've been together 20 years and we have had more than our share of ups and downs to be honest, with the things life has thrown at us but through it all I thought we were solid. Last year we did go through a rough patch where we argued a lot, but we seemed to come out the other side.

However, recently things just don't seem right and it's been hard to put my finger on what exactly is wrong, but thinking about it he has been a bit distant and unemotional with me. For example, sometimes I go to hug him and he'll give me a hug for about as little time as he can get away with before walking away. It feels like he can't get away quick enough. When he comes home and says hello to me, it's like... nothing. He could be saying hello to anyone, there's no hug, no kiss, he doesn't seem happy to see me anymore.

I could put this down to stresses and situations in our lives. But there's this one thing. He is a member of some groups online and I'm aware that he chats to people from them online, outside of the groups. I'm not naturally a jealous person and I'm usually unbothered by this, except for this one woman. She was in an abusive relationship and for ages kept leaving then going back to it and he was talking to her through all of this, I think she saw him as some kind of emotional support. She is now out of it for good, for definite. He always seems to be chatting to her recently, one night he was even chatting to her on his laptop after he came to bed, I only saw this because I got up, he had the screen facing away from me.

This has really started to unnerve me, in fact I'd say it's got to the point where it's eating me. He always said I had free access to anything on his devices, he has nothing to hide. So I took him at his word and had a look at the chat between him and this woman. The sheer amount of flirting, innuendo, kisses, loveheart emojis etc made me feel physically sick. :sick::cry:

He hasn't said an awful lot about me, but at one point lately they were talking about height, and he said one of our teenage sons isn't as tall as the other and doesn't like it, to which she said, oh he has his Mum's height then, nothing wrong with being short. To which he replied, "She's short and fat though, lol. Not the best mix." After which he basically told her that even at his heaviest he was all muscle (not true) and she's assured him that she may be short but she's skinny.

Other examples are, he showed her a picture of a cucumber he has grown and she said it looks a bit flat, he replied, "It has the length, girth comes with age. ;) "

She sent him a photo of her daughter's back, which has something wrong with it, and he said, "Now turn." And then, "Oh crap, thought it was you lol."

At one point he told her he was ill in bed, and she said at least he'll get a bedbath from me. And he said, "Chance would be a fine thing, so if you're offering then pop over." She replied, "I would but you're married lmao." He told her I wouldn't mind!

At one point she told him she was sending him something and asked him, raspberry or cherry flavour, he said cherry and then said, "Whoop whoop I took [her name]'s cherry. :D "

Amongst others. This kind of makes it sound like it's all him, but it's definitely not. She's said things like he'd be a sight for sore eyes, that he's the only man she trusts, that when she's at a low ebb she thinks of him and it keeps her going and that after chatting for so long he's stuck with her. All the heart emojis and kisses and everything definitely going two ways.

Now, I can't believe I have to ask this but I am also full of self-doubt. Has he crossed a line here?? He doesn't know I've seen all this yet, I don't think.

Wow, that was long. Sorry. Thanks for reading.
 

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You are going to get a lot of people here telling you that a line was definitely crossed and that you should look for either counselling or therapy or a divorce. My first question is did the two of you ever discuss where the lines were? The idea that they should be obvious and are the same for everyone is a myth. Now I am not dismissing that these actions hurt you, but if you have not told hims what hurts you, he cannot be expected to have magically known, just as you should not be expected to magically know what has hurt him or caused him to start acting this way. You need to point out to him what he is doing that hurts you. Pick a time when there is no conflict happening, and use responsive language. Lines like "I feel emotion when you action". Don't start with "you do this...." because that can come across as accusatory and place him in defense mode.
 

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Has he crossed a line here??
Ok. I'll be the first. Yes. He has crossed THE line. And, he knows it. Demand that his relationship with this woman STOP, NOW, and FOREVER. The woman has crossed THE line, too. It is a good thing to help someone, but the purpose of this is no longer any kind of "help", it is feeding the egos and, in my opinion, is a violation of the marital vows.

If his answer is that he is "helping", then tell him that he can help all he wants, in your presence. You want to help, too.
 

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You are going to get a lot of people here telling you that a line was definitely crossed and that you should look for either counselling or therapy or a divorce. Now I am not dismissing that these actions hurt you, but if you have not told hims what hurts you, he cannot be expected to have magically known, just as you should not be expected to magically know what has hurt him or caused him to start acting this way.
I would say for everyone in monogamous elationship partners KNOW this is crossing a line for them. This is one of the rules that everyone knows. If they were ok with more partners, they would have discussed that long time ago. They did not. They are one on one relationship.
 

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The fact that he is putting you down constantly to her tells you more I feel than the flirting. It shows you that he has very little respect for you. A man that is decent and in love with his wife would not cross this line.

Also the fact that he is ‘helping’ a vulnerable woman by laying it in thick and being sexually suggestive hints and not such a good guy in my books. Sorry, I feel this is a really bad sign.
 

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Of course he has. And barring any marriage special circumstances or freedoms that have definitely been pre-agreed.....

The lines he's crossed have no need to be predetermined.

These lines being good taste; courteousness; being considerate; emotional flirting with disregard of SO's feelings, and more ie strife causing, disrespectful, isolating (to you).
 

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I'm one of those that's going to tell you he did cross a line. I think it's crap to say "you never told him this was not okay in your marriage so how is he to know?" No offense to that poster. Sending suggestive messages and putting down your spouse is not okay and is exactly the kind of thing that leads to affairs. He is disconnecting from you because he is connecting with her. But lucky him...he still gets you to do all the stuff you do for him, dinner, laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc. Start to distance yourself from him too...he might find he doesn't want that as much as he thought.

I'd make some copies of their messages and then confront him. If he wants to continue your marriage he will need to stop contacting her immediately and he owes you a HUGE apology for putting you down to her. So disrespectful.

SO sorry you're dealing with this.
 

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At a minimum, he wants some “interest” from someone else. How far that goes is unknown right now. But the seeds are being sown for potential problems down the road.
 

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Your H is getting ego kibbles from OW. The texting has now become a cat and mouse game. Apparently your H has an issue with your physical attributes. Your H is in an emotional affair. Time to brighten his day with some reading of "Not Just Friends". You may also enlighten him to what D would look like. Sorry your H has gone off the rails.
 

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I would say for everyone in monogamous elationship partners KNOW this is crossing a line for them. This is one of the rules that everyone knows. If they were ok with more partners, they would have discussed that long time ago. They did not. They are one on one relationship.
I will disagree with you, especially in the face of the fact that I know monogamous people who would not call this crossing the line.Even among the monogamous there are people who flirt just to flirt and their spouses are fine with it. And of course there are those couples where the one flirts just to flirt, and the spouse says nothing but isn't fine. But if they say nothing then it's on them, not the flirter.
 

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I will disagree with you, especially in the face of the fact that I know monogamous people who would not call this crossing the line.Even among the monogamous there are people who flirt just to flirt and their spouses are fine with it. And of course there are those couples where the one flirts just to flirt, and the spouse says nothing but isn't fine. But if they say nothing then it's on them, not the flirter.
Hmmm so what you are saying is that most of us that have found our other half cheating we should have told them all of the scenarios in which we feel it is cheating? I think where you are slightly confused with things is some light flirting with the barista etc would be ok in most relationships but suggestive texting with cucumbers, mocking your wife, and hinting for pics is totally fine! The woman shows very poor boundaries, sending this guy a photo of her daughters naked back to start with and he is being cruel to his wife behind her back. How is that ok? Maybe in your world but I'm thinking not in most unless you have some sort of prior arrangement which I'm sensing the OP does not.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
If his answer is that he is "helping", then tell him that he can help all he wants, in your presence. You want to help, too.
Well, this is another thing. We have apparently both been invited to go and visit her, I have no idea what THAT would look like but needless to say, I would rather not.
 

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The fact that he is putting you down constantly to her tells you more I feel than the flirting. It shows you that he has very little respect for you. A man that is decent and in love with his wife would not cross this line.
In the interest of accuracy I should point out that it isn't constantly, it just appeared to be the one time really. I don't seem to figure much in their conversations at all, which seems to me to tell it's own story.
 

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Yes, he is crossing the line. He is playing with fire and if this continues he will probably end up in bed with her, if he hasn't already.
I know he hasn't yet, because she lives too far away and he hasn't been anywhere.
 
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