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33 Posts
I've come to terms with this, "mother nature"/god probably decided it was our duty as men to take care of this.
Most of the time with most women at least.
Talking/Initiating Sex
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Most of the time with most women at least.
Joined
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652 Posts
Gang,
It is not about there is no time. I bet you Billion dollar if she was a single Mom she would find a time to go to bar and have some with other guys.
it is either she doesnt have Libido (depression or other medical condition) or she is talking to someone else.
Having a full time job is not easy. having a full time job and kids is hard. if you both contribute to the house equally and she is healthy then there is something off
It is not about there is no time. I bet you Billion dollar if she was a single Mom she would find a time to go to bar and have some with other guys.
it is either she doesnt have Libido (depression or other medical condition) or she is talking to someone else.
Having a full time job is not easy. having a full time job and kids is hard. if you both contribute to the house equally and she is healthy then there is something off
Joined
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33 Posts
That sounds like a good way to do it. I have been eyeing this one I think she will enjoy. It costs a bit more but I think if she enjoys it then it would be all the more worth it. I am however cautious about getting her something when we haven't gotten back into a rhythm yet.Also done that, we're really on the same page bro
My wife never had any "toy" and would be totally unable to even consider buying one by herself. I didn't ask her opinion and made the surprise to give her one of those high-end classy vibrator. I gave it near the end of one of our scheduled "session", I had just come but her not yet, at a moment she was really "into it". She tried it immediately but it was not 100% successful, I didn't pressure her to use it again but she did and got used to it.
Now she's using it on a regular basis, enjoying it and reaching O very easily.
She told me she was touched by the present, especially the fact that I had made the (not so nice) package myself 😅
Joined
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33 Posts
I know that stress is a big factor for my wife. If she is stressed about anything it will completely put her off. Introduce a full time job and three kids and all the rollercoaster of needs and sickness and it never ends.
Joined
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1,081 Posts
Toys are part of our sessions often. she says she never had one before we married. I don’t know if that’s true or not. Lotta history is - shall we say? - murky.Also done that, we're really on the same page bro
My wife never had any "toy" and would be totally unable to even consider buying one by herself. I didn't ask her opinion and made the surprise to give her one of those high-end classy vibrator. I gave it near the end of one of our scheduled "session", I had just come but her not yet, at a moment she was really "into it". She tried it immediately but it was not 100% successful, I didn't pressure her to use it again but she did and got used to it.
Now she's using it on a regular basis, enjoying it and reaching O very easily.
She told me she was touched by the present, especially the fact that I had made the (not so nice) package myself 😅
Joined
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652 Posts
hey bud, it never hurts to check her phone and messages to make sure. we all go through stress etc.. and my wife too.
but we still were able to do at least once a month
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2,259 Posts
It’s not about jumping ship, it’s about having expectations and boundaries for your marriage. It’s about providing some leadership in your marriage.
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33 Posts
I just tried talking to her about us having sex more and she once again said I wasn't initiating. Now she is upset about the thought of me relieving myself which she never had a problem with before.
Joined
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33 Posts
I just don't even know what to do at this point because I feel damned if I do damned if I don't. It's not my fault she spends all her time worried about everything else getting done and not focusing on intimacy with me. I just went about my business and kept myself satisfied.
Joined
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2,259 Posts
So are you here to defend and justify your wife’s lack of libido/lack of desire for you - or to improve your situation?
Because I see a lot of explanations and defense of her lack of desire and your lack of leadership, and a lot of reasons that many of the suggestions offered here won’t work for you/her - but very little initiative and leadership in your part so far.
Take ownership of your situation.
Create a plan for improving your situation.
Stop being afraid of your wife / your wife’s reactions.
Start establishing expectations for your wife and marriage, and start operating in your frame instead of reacting to hers.
It’s your job to lead your marriage dynamics, start leading.
You can’t make her desire you (at least not directly), but you can make yourself more desirable.
And you can decide on the kind of marriage you want and establish your expectations and boundaries for your marriage.
Joined
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1,081 Posts
Sound advice. gotta make her want him.
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1,081 Posts
What are you supposed to do?
Joined
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423 Posts
Yes you're initiating, but with lots of "caution" and "concern", which is a theme in your replies here.
It's not the KIND OF initiating your wife is responsive to, she's told you that straight up - "you're not initiating!"
It's either that or she's gaslighting you.
I would choose to believe the former.
When she gives you that "what gave you that idea" look, own it, don't back away and be frightened by it. You've got to show some humor and ridiculous confidence, you've got to fake it till you make it.
In short, you've got to make her consider that some other woman would be more than interested if she's not.
Somewhere along the way you've lost your edge. Instead of initiating assertively, you're floating ideas and looking for approval. (Lingerie purchase prime example - just do it man.) It's likely a catch 22 from all the rejection, but now it's on you to listen to what she's telling you directly, and break the cycle.
And if she doesn't respond to your more brash and bold initiations in a reasonable time frame, at least you know what you're looking at.
It's not the KIND OF initiating your wife is responsive to, she's told you that straight up - "you're not initiating!"
It's either that or she's gaslighting you.
I would choose to believe the former.
When she gives you that "what gave you that idea" look, own it, don't back away and be frightened by it. You've got to show some humor and ridiculous confidence, you've got to fake it till you make it.
In short, you've got to make her consider that some other woman would be more than interested if she's not.
Somewhere along the way you've lost your edge. Instead of initiating assertively, you're floating ideas and looking for approval. (Lingerie purchase prime example - just do it man.) It's likely a catch 22 from all the rejection, but now it's on you to listen to what she's telling you directly, and break the cycle.
And if she doesn't respond to your more brash and bold initiations in a reasonable time frame, at least you know what you're looking at.
Joined
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33 Posts
I feel like I have lost my edge. I have been trying to initiate more but aside from one other time I got turned down. I'm trying to keep positive about it though and keep at it this time instead of getting discouraged.
I'm unsure how she thought I was going months without having some kind of release. I think she is more upset about me using porn sometimes. She never had a problem with it in the past. When we would hang out with other people us guys would usually talk about what kind of we enjoyed. Her and I even used to watch it together when we were first together before things started going south. I think it's more that she feels insecure about herself. As for myself I stopped really watching it to get off. I rarely watch anything anymore and at most will usually just browse through random pictures and gifs because I enjoy the content.
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1,081 Posts
If she wont sleep with you, she can’t complain about how you get off. She lost that when she said “no.” I’ve told my wife “I gotta jerk off tonight” after she rejects me.
Joined
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33 Posts
I should be more like that. I think she was saying something along the lines of how by jerking off I'm not saving my sexual energy for her, but how am I supposed to wait around for her to just happened to be in the mood? I don't think she understands the difference in libido between the two of us and expects me to be on her level.
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1,081 Posts
Her level being “never think of it“ like my wife. She used to start. long long ago. Last time was in 2015. Before that ? In 2000 When pregnancy hormones had her horny one night when we were on vacation. Yeah, twice in 23 years. I feel your pain. Take care of your needs.
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423 Posts
Try it with more of that humor and ridiculous confidence.
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33 Posts
I'm so frustrated with this whole situation. After the several times of telling me I don't initiate enough. Not having enough time for each other. Complaining about me taking care of my needs myself. She continues to reject me when I try to initiate and make a point to be more active in engaging in our sex life. Tonight I made sure that all the obstacles were our of the way so there was no way it anything could affect our time. I didn't even ask if she was interested I just started kissing and leading her to the bedroom and she stopped me dead in my tracks and said sorry I'm too tired tonight. Then she stayed up for another hour watching TV before going to sleep. This was my third or fourth attempt in the last week alone that has been turned down.
I'm starting to think she isn't actually interested in having more sex but just wants to know that I'm still available and keeping me on the hook at this point.
I'm starting to think she isn't actually interested in having more sex but just wants to know that I'm still available and keeping me on the hook at this point.
Joined
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33 Posts
I think its just extra upsetting to me at this point because I was perfectly content before she started pushing me to be more active about it. Yeah I wanted more sex but I wasn't frustrated at the fact it wasn't happening. Now I feel like I have been told I need to make more of an effort and when I do it's goes unrewarded. Now instead of being content I'm just confused and upset.
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