[DownByTheRiver]

Currently there is no birth control which might be reason for not wanting to do anything. There are plans to get on birth control. I have told her I am considering vasectomy since we don't want anymore kids anyway. She hasn't said anything about pain recently. Last we talked about it she was ready and told me she was.

So if you can afford vasectomy, that would probably be safest course for her at least. But she has pill options as long as she isn't high risk or something and her gyn approves. So either way. I think you should. It can be very dangerous. She doesn't need to have an accidental pregnancy and I know you wouldn't want that either! Talk to her about one of you going for your appointment and getting that underway and I wish you luck.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Well in our case we just picked a day and time. Like daily at 4 in the afternoon. Just ask wife, "what do you think about setting aside some "us" time". Can't imagine she would say no. Then, ask her what days of the week and what time.

FWIW, my wife is the one who actually started the scheduling back when our kids were small. We were spending all of our time doing "stuff" and none of our time devoted to our fun time. She has always been an organized person since we met. So she said, "the kids don't wake up until I am fixing breakfast, so how about we set our alarm an hour before that?" Later in their lives, we would tell them "Mom n Dad take a nap every Sunday after church. If you knock on the door, something had better be on fire". Home from church, in the bedroom, lock the door.

So suppose something interferes? Like maybe the kid has been sick all night. Or suppose you or wife are under the weather. No big deal. If the day and time is on the schedule, it will happen the next time.

A lot of people think this is very unromantic because it isn't "spontaneous". It has worked for us for very many years.

Thank you for the insight. I think that would work well given we can find a time that will work for us and that she is up for it. I think maybe a scheduled time and then any other time if it happens it happens would be nice.

So if you can afford vasectomy, that would probably be safest course for her at least. But she has pill options as long as she isn't high risk or something and her gyn approves. So either way. I think you should. It can be very dangerous. She doesn't need to have an accidental pregnancy and I know you wouldn't want that either! Talk to her about one of you going for your appointment and getting that underway and I wish you luck.

Yeah we were talking about it but hadn't yet committed to the ideal. I know she mentioned getting a iud at some point but I don't know when since her doctor said she would need to be healed.

 

[Divinely Favored]

I've never heard of a woman who felt obligated to have sex with a man because he bought her flowers. And if that's his attitude he's failing at what I'm talking about.

Bottom line is a lot of men seem to stop putting in much effort when they get married. They think they're just owed sex. Or maybe she didn't make him put much effort in from the beginning. But not doing much except rolling over and asking your wife if she wants to **** is deadly for a marriage in the long term no matter how it started.

So tailor your seduction to the particular woman and what she likes but small gifts and words are usually winners if done right.

People should keep treating each other just like they did when dating. I start foreplay/seduction next morning after sex. By that night, wife is jumping me. People ask us often if we are newly weds. She smiles, squeezes my hand and tells them no, he's been my boyfriend for 27 years.

Never stop the courtship between each other. Treat her like the woman you are trying to win the heart of. Women, treat your hubby like the guy you are trying to lock down in marriage with your body and things you do for him.

 

[mslena]

communication in difficult times is not easy and both sides need to find the right time to talk and discuss issues. Some fertility apps (I know from mine I use) include a partnership module where a partner informs about their mood by using symbols. That makes communication easier as you do not need to ask each time. By seeing a sign you know your partner is ready and you can enjoy your time. Try all possible ways and you will find one that will work out for you. Hope this helps.

 

[bobert]

Just keep updating this thread. It makes it a lot harder for people to follow along when posters start new threads for each update.

Our oldest child usually is up until 9. Not intentionally, we put him to bed at 8 but he isn't usually ready by then and will often come find us. He still often takes naps during daycare since they have a designated nap time.

Talk to the daycare about it. They should be able to let him have quiet time instead of a nap. Does he nap on the weekends? If not, does he go to bed earlier?

Our parents are extremely busy as well. Between taking care of their parents needs (Frequently Dr visits), their other grandchildren (there are a lot), or their own lives.

So why can they spend time with their other grandchildren but not yours? I understand being busy, but this still sounds like an excuse IMO.

Before marriage we would have a date night once a week and usually go out to dinner and occasionally catch a movie or hang out with friends. Since being married we no longer have any friends. Most of our free time is dedicated to catching up on sleep or house chores.

You should still have friends. If she has a great job, why not hire someone to help with cleaning, laundry, etc and take some of the load off?

What about hiring a babysitter?

Also I am interested in the scheduling sex thing. With our busy lives I think that would help us find time for each other. Can anyone share a bit more information on it? How did you discuss it with your partner? What if the scheduled time comes and they don't want to participate?

My wife and I didn't sit down and set a schedule but sort of fell into one. It's just expected now that we're going to do it in the morning before the kids are up, when the little kids go to bed, and around midnight (that's always a longer one). Some days it doesn't happen every time. Sick kids, 6 month old who sleeps like ****, other plans, etc but we talk about it or have commonsense.

Obviously I'm not saying your goal should be multiple times a day, or even every day, but that's just some examples of when people with kids (I have 6) do it. Overlapping naps is also a good time, though my kids stopped doing that.

Currently there is no birth control which might be reason for not wanting to do anything. There are plans to get on birth control. I have told her I am considering vasectomy since we don't want anymore kids anyway. She hasn't said anything about pain recently. Last we talked about it she was ready and told me she was.

You need to get on this ASAP. It's certainly not helping and could be hurting. If you don't want more kids, be proactive and make sure it doesn't happen. Do you at least have condoms?

For IUDs, just make sure you look into the side effects. My wife has a copper IUD but I'd love for the thing to come out. We have bad luck though. Baby #6 came along 18 months after my vasectomy so...

 

[Rus47]

Yeah we were talking about it but hadn't yet committed to the ideal. I know she mentioned getting a iud at some point but I don't know when since her doctor said she would need to be healed.

Will just say I got a vasectomy when wife n I decided we wanted no more kids. Simple, cheap, quick recovery. I went in after work on a Friday, spent the evening with a bag of frozen peas, Woke up feeling fine and mowed the yard Saturday. YMMV, but believe for most men it is a pretty simple procedure. That was eons ago, but even then the doctor told me that reversal was possible. IMO you getting clipped is way better than your wife fooling with an IUD. We have a relative who had a lot of problems from trying an IUD.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Just keep updating this thread. It makes it a lot harder for people to follow along when posters start new threads for each update.


Talk to the daycare about it. They should be able to let him have quiet time instead of a nap. Does he nap on the weekends? If not, does he go to bed earlier?


So why can they spend time with their other grandchildren but not yours? I understand being busy, but this still sounds like an excuse IMO.


You should still have friends. If she has a great job, why not hire someone to help with cleaning, laundry, etc and take some of the load off?

What about hiring a babysitter?


My wife and I didn't sit down and set a schedule but sort of fell into one. It's just expected now that we're going to do it in the morning before the kids are up, when the little kids go to bed, and around midnight (that's always a longer one). Some days it doesn't happen every time. Sick kids, 6 month old who sleeps like ****, other plans, etc but we talk about it or have commonsense.

Obviously I'm not saying your goal should be multiple times a day, or even every day, but that's just some examples of when people with kids (I have 6) do it. Overlapping naps is also a good time, though my kids stopped doing that.


You need to get on this ASAP. It's certainly not helping and could be hurting. If you don't want more kids, be proactive and make sure it doesn't happen. Do you at least have condoms?

For IUDs, just make sure you look into the side effects. My wife has a copper IUD but I'd love for the thing to come out. We have bad luck though. Baby #6 came along 18 months after my vasectomy so...

What kind of issues have you had with the IUD? I'm pretty set on not wanting more kids at the moment. It's been years of bottles and diapers and I'm ready for moving on. She seems to not fully be set and wants to hold off on making any long term prevention for another couple of years. My concern is not being careful enough and having another.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Just keep updating this thread. It makes it a lot harder for people to follow along when posters start new threads for each update.


Talk to the daycare about it. They should be able to let him have quiet time instead of a nap. Does he nap on the weekends? If not, does he go to bed earlier?


So why can they spend time with their other grandchildren but not yours? I understand being busy, but this still sounds like an excuse IMO.


You should still have friends. If she has a great job, why not hire someone to help with cleaning, laundry, etc and take some of the load off?

What about hiring a babysitter?


My wife and I didn't sit down and set a schedule but sort of fell into one. It's just expected now that we're going to do it in the morning before the kids are up, when the little kids go to bed, and around midnight (that's always a longer one). Some days it doesn't happen every time. Sick kids, 6 month old who sleeps like ****, other plans, etc but we talk about it or have commonsense.

Obviously I'm not saying your goal should be multiple times a day, or even every day, but that's just some examples of when people with kids (I have 6) do it. Overlapping naps is also a good time, though my kids stopped doing that.


You need to get on this ASAP. It's certainly not helping and could be hurting. If you don't want more kids, be proactive and make sure it doesn't happen. Do you at least have condoms?

For IUDs, just make sure you look into the side effects. My wife has a copper IUD but I'd love for the thing to come out. We have bad luck though. Baby #6 came along 18 months after my vasectomy so...

We both make pretty decent money, at least for our area. It's fairly low cost of living. That said most of our expenses are spoken for.

We did have a discussion about the lack of sex. She said she was kind of hurt I wasn't initating and wondered why. I tried telling her about how I usually get rejected and mentioned that if it doesn't look like she is close to being in the mood that I'm not going to try. She was kind of offended by that. I brought up scheduling and she seemed to be interested on the idea of having a designated us time. So far no luck but I'm hopeful.

 

[bobert]

What kind of issues have you had with the IUD? I'm pretty set on not wanting more kids at the moment. It's been years of bottles and diapers and I'm ready for moving on. She seems to not fully be set and wants to hold off on making any long term prevention for another couple of years. My concern is not being careful enough and having another.

My wife has a copper IUD because she cannot use anything hormonal, nor do I want her to. They are known to cause heavy bleeding and cramping, and it has.

The first time she had it she bled non-stop for 3 months until it was removed. That was years ago so she decided to try again. This time that hasn't happened but her periods went from never cramping and just 24 hours of spotting, to 10 days of VERY heavy bleeding and heavy cramping. She's also spotting between periods but that's not really a huge issue.

They are 99.2% effective though. Vasectomies are only slightly higher.

If your wife isn't ready to make a permanent decision, I say don't push it. The last thing you want is resentment about that, but she does have to choose something. I'm supposed to get my vasectomy redone because I still have swimmers (not many, but enough - don't do an open-ended vasectomy...). My wife doesn't want me to do it now, even though I already had it done two years ago and she doesn’t want more kids. This stuff isn't always logical.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Still struggling in this department. I tried initating a few times but she said she was too tired. Then she waits until we are trapped in the car away from home to ask me why I haven't been trying to initiate. I tell her I have but she always turns me down and that upsets her because she doesnt think that I have tried enough. It's becoming very frustrating. I'm the one that always makes a point to kiss or flirt and compliment her almost daily. I honestly don't remember the last time she kissed me or gave me a compliment. We are supposed to have a date night soon and part of me doesn't even want to go because I feel like I'm just going to get asked why I haven't been trying and it's going to blow up into an argument. I am trying, I'm starting to feel like I am the only one who really has.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

My wife has a copper IUD because she cannot use anything hormonal, nor do I want her to. They are known to cause heavy bleeding and cramping, and it has.

The first time she had it she bled non-stop for 3 months until it was removed. That was years ago so she decided to try again. This time that hasn't happened but her periods went from never cramping and just 24 hours of spotting, to 10 days of VERY heavy bleeding and heavy cramping. She's also spotting between periods but that's not really a huge issue.

They are 99.2% effective though. Vasectomies are only slightly higher.

If your wife isn't ready to make a permanent decision, I say don't push it. The last thing you want is resentment about that, but she does have to choose something. I'm supposed to get my vasectomy redone because I still have swimmers (not many, but enough - don't do an open-ended vasectomy...). My wife doesn't want me to do it now, even though I already had it done two years ago and she doesn’t want more kids. This stuff isn't always logical.

So you've some berserker Viking swimmers!

I admit after a successful vasectomy and test all are now blanks I didn't know in the background there could be wildmen not giving up that start building a bridge for future covert attacks by small guerilla bands.

 

[MaleVoice#2]

Also I am interested in the scheduling sex thing. With our busy lives I think that would help us find time for each other. Can anyone share a bit more information on it? How did you discuss it with your partner? What if the scheduled time comes and they don't want to participate?

I had this idea of schedule sex for some weeks and thought it could solve our problem which was very similar to yours and lasted for many years.

We had a week-end trip planned, in a good hotel and a very fine restaurant. It was a joyous meal and after something like an hour I presented her the idea of a once a week romantic and sexual rendez-vous at home, fixed day, fixed time, at a moment we don't work and kids are at school, with the house's door locked and the key in the lock.

I exlained how I thought it could solve our "almost dead bedroom" problem which was related to not ever being in the mood, difficulty to communicate about sex, procrastination, rejection after initiating leading to waiting for the other to initiate, etc.

I underlined all the advantages for her : -no risk of kids coming or hearing us -her always clean and emotionally prepared -me always clean and emotionally prepared -only once a week but intense and passionate -no pressure or worry rest of the week -no need to talk or akward initiating.

She agreed to try it for one month and to decide after that if we go on, adjust or stop. Importantly, we also agreed on a backup schedule, i.e. another time of the day to use when it's really not possible as scheduled (kids not at school etc.), even if less ideal and maybe requiring a shorter and simpler activity.

At the same time, I made another change and went full alpha during sex, i.e. I almost always have a plan and guide her verbally and nonverbally during sex which she enjoys a lot (but she never told me before).

And it all went very well After some months, procrastination tried a comeback and she started trying to "dodge" it for bad reasons, we had another difficult conversation (discussed in another thread) but then it was all good.

It was two years ago and we still do it as originally planned, and we are happier than ever before !! She's also a lot more sexually open and horny now, physically and mentally, on our schedule but also more generally, and has no more problems reaching O.

In short, schedule sex frees us from many things and allows us to get emotionally and physically ready, also anticipation makes us very horny.

Give it a try, best of luck !

 

[DryScreen1515]

I had this idea of schedule sex for some weeks and thought it could solve our problem which was very similar to yours and lasted for many years.

We had a week-end trip planned, in a good hotel and a very fine restaurant. It was a joyous meal and after something like an hour I presented her the idea of a once a week romantic and sexual rendez-vous at home, fixed day, fixed time, at a moment we don't work and kids are at school, with the house's door locked and the key in the lock.

I exlained how I thought it could solve our "almost dead bedroom" problem which was related to not ever being in the mood, difficulty to communicate about sex, procrastination, rejection after initiating leading to waiting for the other to initiate, etc.

I underlined all the advantages for her : -no risk of kids coming or hearing us -her always clean and emotionally prepared -me always clean and emotionally prepared -only once a week but intense and passionate -no pressure or worry rest of the week -no need to talk or akward initiating.

She agreed to try it for one month and to decide after that if we go on, adjust or stop. Importantly, we also agreed on a backup schedule, i.e. another time of the day to use when it's really not possible as scheduled (kids not at school etc.), even if less ideal and maybe requiring a shorter and simpler activity.

At the same time, I made another change and went full alpha during sex, i.e. I almost always have a plan and guide her verbally and nonverbally during sex which she enjoys a lot (but she never told me before).

And it all went very well After some months, procrastination tried a comeback and she started trying to "dodge" it for bad reasons, we had another difficult conversation (discussed in another thread) but then it was all good.

It was two years ago and we still do it as originally planned, and we are happier than ever before !! She's also a lot more sexually open and horny now, physically and mentally, on our schedule but also more generally, and has no more problems reaching O.

In short, schedule sex frees us from many things and allows us to get emotionally and physically ready, also anticipation makes us very horny.

Give it a try, best of luck !

Usually when we have sex it's really good. It's just getting to that point that's an issue. I talked to her about setting a scheduled day and she wanted to try it and we set one. The first week she was tired and wanted to go to sleep early and apologized for not having our time like we had planned. I told her that we could just plan for the next night instead. The next night it didn't happen either. We did end up having some brief sex the next day before being interrupted by a kid waking up. The following week she once again said she was tired and so far nothing else has happened.

 

[DryScreen1515]

The other day I had made a joke about buying her a sexy outfit online. She just gave me a smile at the thought but wasn't against it. After making this comment it I started considering actually getting her a naughty gift or some sort to maybe help get her in the mood. She has an older vibrator we will sometimes use on her but it's from earlier in our relationship when we used to occasionally visit adult toy shops and were more sexual with each other. I wondered if I should get her something I think she will like and surprise her with it. I wasn't quite sure which way to go about it though and don't want to waste my time or money if she doesn't end up liking the idea. Or I could send her the link to what I was thinking of getting her and see what she thinks? Or even just send her to the online store and have her pick something she wants to try. My concerns on this is she won't be in the mood if I send her something and it will just upset her. Or if I got her something and surprise her that she won't like that I bought something without asking for her consideration beforehand. It's been years since we have bought anything like this and it's never been online. We haven't even talked about adult toys in quite some time so I'm unsure how to proceed.

 

[Longtime Hubby]

My wife last initiated in March 2015. A Friday night. Both kids out of house. Eight years ago. Sigh. Should I give her an 8-year anniversary cad? Probably not a good idea, lol.

 

[DryScreen1515]

My wife last initiated in March 2015. A Friday night. Both kids out of house. Eight years ago. Sigh. Should I give her an 8-year anniversary cad? Probably not a good idea, lol.

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. Does she turn you down if you initiate? If not, is there any enthusiasm?

 

[MaleVoice#2]

Usually when we have sex it's really good. It's just getting to that point that's an issue. I talked to her about setting a scheduled day and she wanted to try it and we set one. The first week she was tired and wanted to go to sleep early and apologized for not having our time like we had planned. I told her that we could just plan for the next night instead. The next night it didn't happen either. We did end up having some brief sex the next day before being interrupted by a kid waking up. The following week she once again said she was tired and so far nothing else has happened.

Sorry for you, the same happened to me but a bit later. After 30 years being Mr. nice-guy but not solving anything, I reacted stronger than usually :

I had to raise my voice, remember her that she agreed to try it sincerely, that it was our weekly romantic rendez-vous and that she had to respect it. It concluded with her crying and apologizing, me relaxing and comforting her, and we had no more problems with that.

I was "attacked" here for that but I've been proven in the following months that it was the right thing to do, for myself but also for her. She later told me that she was not crying because she was sad or afraid but that it was purely an emotional discharge, she felt that from that moment she could simply let go of this issue.

 

[Longtime Hubby]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. Does she turn you down if you initiate? If not, is there any enthusiasm?

she is batting about .600, turns me down 6 of 10 tries. Once we get started, there is some enthusiasm, but all the ideas are mine.

 

[DryScreen1515]

she is batting about .600, turns me down 6 of 10 tries. Once we get started, there is some enthusiasm, but all the ideas are mine.

I actually don't remember the last time I initiated and she didn't turn me down for one reason or another. There was even a time when she turned me down and then jumped me 10 minutes later. It's usually only ever been on her terms when things happen, which I enjoy when she initiates because she is usually really into it. I just hate this constant telling me I'm not interested because I haven't been trying to have sex with her when I'm the one that is turned down and I'm the one who starts most of the physical contact.

 

[MaleVoice#2]

Or if I got her something and surprise her that she won't like that I bought something without asking for her consideration beforehand. It's been years since we have bought anything like this and it's never been online. We haven't even talked about adult toys in quite some time so I'm unsure how to proceed.

Also done that, we're really on the same page bro

My wife never had any "toy" and would be totally unable to even consider buying one by herself. I didn't ask her opinion and made the surprise to give her one of those high-end classy vibrator. I gave it near the end of one of our scheduled "session", I had just come but her not yet, at a moment she was really "into it". She tried it immediately but it was not 100% successful, I didn't pressure her to use it again but she did and got used to it.

Now she's using it on a regular basis, enjoying it and reaching O very easily.

She told me she was touched by the present, especially the fact that I had made the (not so nice) package myself 😅