[thenerdguy]

I leave notes on my Wife's lunch sometimes when I make it in the morning. She likes it and even brags about it to her co-workers. The co-workers tell her they wish their other half did things like that.

However in this case, at this moment I would not go there yet. There is something much deeper to solve here.

 

[In Absentia]

I leave notes on my Wife's lunch sometimes when I make it in the morning. She likes it and even brags about it to her co-workers. The co-workers tell her they wish their other half did things like that.

However in this case, at this moment I would not go there yet. There is something much deeper to solve here.

My wife bragged about my cooking to her colleagues... the delicious meals I cooked for her... they were very envious... still no sex...

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

I leave notes on my Wife's lunch sometimes when I make it in the morning. She likes it and even brags about it to her co-workers. The co-workers tell her they wish their other half did things like that.

However in this case, at this moment I would not go there yet. There is something much deeper to solve here.

In my marriage I tell my W to make all my favorite meals lunch and supper and leave me love notes everywhere and whisper sweet nothings constantly.

of course I'm kidding. It sounds weird to read. Kind of stalkerish even.

Just kidding. The key for us is frequency. Too much, no. Now and then perfect.

 

[thenerdguy]

Exactly, too much it is clingy, but doing nothing and you are not thinking about her or putting in effort. Gotta keep up being a bit mysterous.

 

[1Autumn72]

I leave notes on my Wife's lunch sometimes when I make it in the morning. She likes it and even brags about it to her co-workers. The co-workers tell her they wish their other half did things like that.

However in this case, at this moment I would not go there yet. There is something much deeper to solve here.

Yeah, notes/flowers are fine if the relationship’s good.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Before you were married and had kids, what was a typical date for you? What did you have the most fun going to do?

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Yeah, notes/flowers are fine if the relationship’s good.

Or you had an oh sh!t escapade here and there, flowers good.
That's when your note writing skills for the card best be top notch. Rookies won't survive.

 

[Petersgirl]

I really don't know how people can't toughen up for months to maintain committed in a relationship with a solid life partner. Obviously sex is something that is important to a relationship but I'm not jumping ship when one thing needs worked on when everything else is meets my needs.

This is the thinking of man who truly loves his wife and has a good heart. I totally understand being rejected repeatedly. It crushes your self esteem and puts further between you and your partner. I'm not talking about they didn't want to for just a few time but over a period of a long time to where it becomes the norm.

There are so many health benefits to sex in itself but add the closeness you feel with them and to them. It changes your mood, your sleep pattern and various other things too.

After years of being rejection for years I began to feel no other man found me desirable either. Far from the case.

I hope you find a way to become closer and find the spark between you again.

 

[RandomDude]

Yeah, yeah, that's all it takes. Just do that and nothing else, let us know how it works for you

Come on - I’m not saying that’s all it takes or it will work. But flowers and notes? There is such a thing as trying too hard, and it looks weak.

I actually agree with @1Autumn72 's approach more: "I like the idea of whispering naughty things in her ear, but think it needs to be done without expectation. Walk away. Playfully slap her butt and go about the day then go about like nothing happened. More playful/physical, less cerebral."

As for romantic gestures it depends on the relationship dynamics, none of my partners ever complained about my romantic gestures. Then again I never ever used that for sex, the romantic gestures was to show them that I loved them, nothing else, no expectations as it should be.

 

[1Autumn72]

Or you had an oh sh!t escapade here and there, flowers good.
That's when your note writing skills for the card best be top notch. Rookies won't survive.

Nope. If the relationship is good, then it’s something you’re doing because you want to. Not because you feel like you have to. Big difference.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Nope. If the relationship is good, then it’s something you’re doing because you want to. Not because you feel like you have to. Big difference.

You are funny, I'll give you that.

 

[bobert]

You both need to put in an effort and stop making excuses...

Why don't you foresee yourself having a date night anytime soon? You said you live near family, why can't they babysit? You have a caregiver during work hours, can they care for your children after hours? Can you both take a day/afternoon off and have a date while the children are being looked after? If family and their current caregiver cannot offer occasional care, then hire a babysitter. There ARE options.

Why can't you put the kids to bed earlier? Young children do not need to be up until 9PM, and depending on the wake-up time it's not even healthy. I understand wanting to spend time with the kids and as a family, and you should, but you also need to spend time together as a couple. On a related note, you really need to think about whether the income from your wife's job is worth it.

I know what it's like to be busy as hell, have a bunch of little kids, deal with pregnancy complications, months of postpartum healing, months/years of rejection and sexlessness, resentment, cranky babies, babies who refuse a bottle, sleep deprivation, co-sleeping, etc. BTDT - I have six kids (6 months, 1, 2, 6, 12, and 14). Our frequency has been all over the spectrum but currently we're doing it at least once a day. I wouldn't say that's normal but where there's a will, there's a way.

Start having a date once a week. Move the kids bedtime earlier and spend an hour (or more) together every night. Get up early with her to squeeze in some time. Try to get your kids to have an overlapping nap. Teach your kids to have quiet time in their room or another safe space. And you can be spontaneous even with an infant - to go with the example given, put them in a seat in the bathroom and hop in the bath/shower with your wife. I've done it many times. It's not as good as doing it alone, but it's certainly better than nothing.

If you haven't already, have a vulnerable talk with your wife about why you are so afraid to initiate, what it felt like to be rejected when you finally tried again, etc. She needs to know how her actions effect you, and no it's not to guilt trip her.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Sorry for the late reply. Things have been hectic.

We did have sex sort of a few weeks ago. It was interrupted by a kid waking up in the middle of the night. I tried a few times since but was rejected because she said she was too tired. One night she said she wanted to but was also too tired.

To answer some of the questions here. No I don't ever pressure her into sex or just expect it to happen by bluntly asking. I do often make romantic gestured regardless. Sending flowers, back and feet massages, small gifts, affection or flirting through the evenings. Come to think of it I'm often the one to initiate any touch or kissing or compliments between us. She also doesn't want to do anything while in the same room as the baby which I think is ridiculous and limits our availability even more because we can't leave the baby out if sight if the older kids are awake.

We both do our share of taking care of children and house chores. If anything I usually do more of the things around the house since I'm home more.

Our oldest child usually is up until 9. Not intentionally, we put him to bed at 8 but he isn't usually ready by then and will often come find us. He still often takes naps during daycare since they have a designated nap time.

Our parents are extremely busy as well. Between taking care of their parents needs (Frequently Dr visits), their other grandchildren (there are a lot), or their own lives.

Before marriage we would have a date night once a week and usually go out to dinner and occasionally catch a movie or hang out with friends. Since being married we no longer have any friends. Most of our free time is dedicated to catching up on sleep or house chores.

Overall I have been thinking a lot about how far apart we have drifted. Before we were married we were very close and talked about anything and everything. As time went on I think these conversations happened less frequently and our work and family lives got in the way. Now I feel so much anxiety about talking to her because I feel like we are completely different people than we used to be. Part of me wonders if we open that door of communication that we will find we no longer like each other. I can't even think of what we really have in common anymore aside from talking about our kids. I know that isn't a healthy for a marriage and needs to be done regardless of the result. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Also I am interested in the scheduling sex thing. With our busy lives I think that would help us find time for each other. Can anyone share a bit more information on it? How did you discuss it with your partner? What if the scheduled time comes and they don't want to participate?

I never know how to bring up new things with my wife. I just imagine me asking her about it and her asking me where I got such an idea. I don't like the look of mistrust she gives me when I have told her about something new I want to try. That is probably part of the reason I stopped talking about sex is because when I make a suggestion I get a look and questions that make me feel mistrust or just perverted for reading into such things. It felt easier in the beginning because everything was new and so you could easily bring up topics. Now after being together for so long I guess it leads you to wonder why your spouse is asking something out of character or that hasn't been discussed before.

Also, I'm fairly new to posting to this site. I'm unsure if anyone would be notified of additional messages to this thread or if I should start a new one, if anyone sees this please let me know. Thank you.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

She wants it, thats why she had brought it up multiple times in the last couple weeks. We have 3 kids one a newborn. She had complications with the pregnancy that resulted in a longer healing period.We just live busy lives and experience many challenges but we have faced each one as a team. I'm sorry you have such a pessimistic view.

Is her medical issue that brought on the weight gain the complications with pregnancy that resulted in a long healing period? Did she have a Cesarean? What happened? Maybe this is mostly medical.

 

[DryScreen1515]

Is her medical issue that brought on the weight gain the complications with pregnancy that resulted in a long healing period? Did she have a Cesarean? What happened? Maybe this is mostly medical.

They may be from the same issue. She did have a c section and had to do some additional stuff. She should be all healed now though.

 

[DryScreen1515]

I have never been one to ask for other forms of sex. Usually it was either offered or not. Should I have asked for something else since PIV was off the table?

 

[DownByTheRiver]

They may be from the same issue. She did have a c section and had to do some additional stuff. She should be all healed now though.

You can't assume that. My best friend, otherwise healthy, had a c section and was in pain for a full year and not up to sex and being in pain saps your energy. That is no small operation. "Some additional stuff" sounds bad too. If this issue predated childbirth, then okay. Listen to her when you talk about it. Ask her if it still hurts. Since she sounds like she had a bad birth, maybe she's afraid of getting pregnant again -- and should be. So have you two discussed birth control or a vasectomy? Just ask her. Ask if she still hurts. I bet she does. Ask if you should be on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant again.

 

[DryScreen1515]

You can't assume that. My best friend, otherwise healthy, had a c section and was in pain for a full year and not up to sex and being in pain saps your energy. That is no small operation. "Some additional stuff" sounds bad too. If this issue predated childbirth, then okay. Listen to her when you talk about it. Ask her if it still hurts. Since she sounds like she had a bad birth, maybe she's afraid of getting pregnant again -- and should be. So have you two discussed birth control or a vasectomy? Just ask her. Ask if she still hurts. I bet she does. Ask if you should be on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant again.

Currently there is no birth control which might be reason for not wanting to do anything. There are plans to get on birth control. I have told her I am considering vasectomy since we don't want anymore kids anyway. She hasn't said anything about pain recently. Last we talked about it she was ready and told me she was.

 

[Rus47]

Also I am interested in the scheduling sex thing. With our busy lives I think that would help us find time for each other. Can anyone share a bit more information on it? How did you discuss it with your partner? What if the scheduled time comes and they don't want to participate?

Well in our case we just picked a day and time. Like daily at 4 in the afternoon. Just ask wife, "what do you think about setting aside some "us" time". Can't imagine she would say no. Then, ask her what days of the week and what time.

FWIW, my wife is the one who actually started the scheduling back when our kids were small. We were spending all of our time doing "stuff" and none of our time devoted to our fun time. She has always been an organized person since we met. So she said, "the kids don't wake up until I am fixing breakfast, so how about we set our alarm an hour before that?" Later in their lives, we would tell them "Mom n Dad take a nap every Sunday after church. If you knock on the door, something had better be on fire". Home from church, in the bedroom, lock the door.

So suppose something interferes? Like maybe the kid has been sick all night. Or suppose you or wife are under the weather. No big deal. If the day and time is on the schedule, it will happen the next time.

A lot of people think this is very unromantic because it isn't "spontaneous". It has worked for us for very many years.