Unfortunately with so many small kids we don't really get to be out of site of them at the same time until they are asleep which is at the point of going to sleep ourselves. We haven't had a date night for a while and don't foresee ourselves getting one still for a bit. We both wake up early for work and with her long commute we get about 3 hours of time a night which is spent with our kids (dinner, baths, bedtime, etc)
Talking/Initiating Sex
My wife and I haven't had sex or any sexual contact in several months. We have had similar issues in the past due to her stress or feeling bad about herself due to body issues. Prior to this I felt like we had a pretty good sex life, it was frequent and we would try new things. I was very open to talking about sex and initiate often. Things changed when she had gained weight due to a medical issue and no longer felt comfortable showing herself in front of me even though I still thought she looked wonderful and told her so often. At this point our sex life started to dwindle and I stopped trying to initiate because I was so tired of being rejected all the time. Eventually the only time we would have sex only was when trying to conceive and it was no longer fun or enjoyable. After having kids and my wife was able to get herself back to a body image she was comfortable with but we were so busy and tired all the time we no longer found the time to do anything. Plus my wife became very stressed due to work and other life issues. It came down to us maybe having sex a few times a year. Early last year we had a deep discussion about our lacking sex life and she also inquired about how often I masturbated and of my porn use and she said she was okay with it all but just doesn't want to know about it. We decided to start trying to make more time for ourselves and we started having more frequent sex, similar to how we used to but I was still having trouble initiating because of fear of rejection. We got pregnant and her hormones took off and she couldn't get enough things were going great. Later into pregnancy we decided to have a weekend getaway before the baby arrived. All weekend I tried initiating and she turned me down saying she wasn't in the mood or too tired. This hurt my ego a bit since this had been really my first big attempt at outwardly initiating since being rejected so many times before but I just shook it off. When we got home things went back to the hustle of daily life. The following weekend I tried to initiate once again but this time she turned me down and said she was no longer interested. Fast forward several months later and well past birth we still haven't had any sexual contact. She has mentioned a few times she is now ready to start again but usually not in a good time when we can. We have both been very tired with taking care of a newborn and other children and she often falls asleep early leaving me alone to fend for myself. I really want to try initating again but I'm also afraid of being rejected and never know when is a good time because she never seems in the mood until the most inconvenient times. I also worry she will think if I don't do anything that I no longer want her which isn't the case at all.
Tldr: Wife's frequent rejection in the past leaves me anxious about initiating now.
Tldr: Wife's frequent rejection in the past leaves me anxious about initiating now.
1 - 20 of 104 Posts
No our oldest goes to bed around 9 each night. My wife shortly after that and sometimes before.Would it be possible to shift the kids bedtime to an hour earlier?
It's about an hour but we currently live in our hometown both our families are here and want our kids to go to school here. She wakes up at 5am and isn't home until 6pm each day. It is pretty hard on her but she has a great paying job.How long is her commute? If its longer than 1 hr, you live too far away from her work and should either move closer or get a new job. Not just for sex reasons but a whole host of reasons listed on my life improvement\job improvement scales. She is spending too much time getting back and forth to work for which is lost time away from you and the kids (plus lost money)
She wants it, thats why she had brought it up multiple times in the last couple weeks. We have 3 kids one a newborn. She had complications with the pregnancy that resulted in a longer healing period.We just live busy lives and experience many challenges but we have faced each one as a team. I'm sorry you have such a pessimistic view.She just doesn't want sex currently at this stage in her life. ..
Scheduling isn't the problem.
The kids aren't a problem...
When a person wants to do something genuinely and feels passionately about it, they'll find a way...if not they'll die trying..
If she really wanted it, you two would be going at it. .
You were after the first one..
She doesn't want to right now for perhaps a variety of reasons....
Regardless of the reasons, respect her choice.
No conversations or coercion needed about it.
If it were reversed, you're entitled to not have sex when you don't want to as well.
Bottom line, this may be temporarily, off and on, or permanent..
You have to decide if your sexual incompatibilities in your relationship is a marriage ender.. deal breaker...
People have to keep in mind before marriage that
People don't stay the same forever...
Things don't stay the same forever...
Change is inevitable
The longer you stay and things remain the same,
You'll eventually cheat..
Maybe she will as well.. (if not already).
Relationships with long lasting sexual incompatibilities never genuinely work out for the best.
Also, I would suggest not having any more children in the near future or at all...
You two are barely managing with the ones you have.
Hope that's not offensive.
I don't know if you are just focused on projecting or what. I don't pressure my wife to do anything. She brought the suggestion up herself. We had discussed after birth that she obviously needed time to heal and that she would let me know when she was ready.I have a realistic view.
I said it could either improve to be at a permanent constant or state of fluctuation.
People change. Life changes people.
Just because she said that, doesn't mean that is genuine...or that she genuinely "wants it".. She may have only said it, going along with it only for your benefit...
She may be feeling extremely pressured by you, and give in... trying to get you off her back..
Perhaps she may want to...
If she really wanted it..and wanted it frequently... She would find a way regardless of children, or whatever else is happening.
You two would put the kids to bed earlier, or you two go at it quietly and quickly while they're watching TV or something, there are childcare centers, babysitters, free child centers, free child carers, etc...
She doesn't want to for whatever her reasons are. She's entitled to not have sex with you..just like you are entitled.
Perhaps she finds fault with you or just isn't interested in you anymore or less.
There's a variety of reasons why she could possibly not want it....
If this decline is permanent and permanently declining...
You have to decide if you could continue to be in this relationship.
You seem to have a higher sex drive. Hers have decreased temporarily or permanently
Stop, talking about, stop exhibiting sexually frustrated behaviors, stop asking and pressuring her for sex. (If you are)
Please don't resort to cheating(hopefully you haven't been).
If you can't handle the possibility that can become a reality, please just go.
Thank you for your feedback. I know rejection happens and I need to be more accepting of it. I think I just tend to get too in my own mind about it and what could happen. I know avoidance is usually my go to when a problem arises and it's something I have been trying to improve on preventing in the future.@DryScreen1515 just reading your post and responses, you sound like an understanding husband with high emotional intelligence. It also sounds like you acquired some anxiety surrounding initiating sex with your wife.
The way I overcame anxiety is to minimize the fear of the potential negative outcome. Rejection is unpleasant and not something humans enjoy. You can try practicing outcome independence.
We used to shower together pretty frequently but unfortunately with 3 young kids one being a newborn we always need to have one person in the room to watch.Great idea! Think outside of the bix. Where there is a will there is a way
I really don't know how people can't toughen up for months to maintain committed in a relationship with a solid life partner. Obviously sex is something that is important to a relationship but I'm not jumping ship when one thing needs worked on when everything else is meets my needs.Wow I do not understand how people can go months without sex, I start being a hard person to be around after 2 weeks. At 3 months I would be gone, if there was not some medical issue.
There is a deeper issue going on here, either medical or something with you. The fact you are fearing rejection from her says somethings actually.
I would try to find out why there is not desire for you. Either its you needing to man up or get her to the doc.
Also I agree with the scheduling sex at this point. When kids are young, it really helps!! Just remember you will need to break out of the scheduling of sex once the kids get older or you will run into other problems.
Sorry for the late reply. Things have been hectic.
We did have sex sort of a few weeks ago. It was interrupted by a kid waking up in the middle of the night. I tried a few times since but was rejected because she said she was too tired. One night she said she wanted to but was also too tired.
To answer some of the questions here. No I don't ever pressure her into sex or just expect it to happen by bluntly asking. I do often make romantic gestured regardless. Sending flowers, back and feet massages, small gifts, affection or flirting through the evenings. Come to think of it I'm often the one to initiate any touch or kissing or compliments between us. She also doesn't want to do anything while in the same room as the baby which I think is ridiculous and limits our availability even more because we can't leave the baby out if sight if the older kids are awake.
We both do our share of taking care of children and house chores. If anything I usually do more of the things around the house since I'm home more.
Our oldest child usually is up until 9. Not intentionally, we put him to bed at 8 but he isn't usually ready by then and will often come find us. He still often takes naps during daycare since they have a designated nap time.
Our parents are extremely busy as well. Between taking care of their parents needs (Frequently Dr visits), their other grandchildren (there are a lot), or their own lives.
Before marriage we would have a date night once a week and usually go out to dinner and occasionally catch a movie or hang out with friends. Since being married we no longer have any friends. Most of our free time is dedicated to catching up on sleep or house chores.
Overall I have been thinking a lot about how far apart we have drifted. Before we were married we were very close and talked about anything and everything. As time went on I think these conversations happened less frequently and our work and family lives got in the way. Now I feel so much anxiety about talking to her because I feel like we are completely different people than we used to be. Part of me wonders if we open that door of communication that we will find we no longer like each other. I can't even think of what we really have in common anymore aside from talking about our kids. I know that isn't a healthy for a marriage and needs to be done regardless of the result. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
We did have sex sort of a few weeks ago. It was interrupted by a kid waking up in the middle of the night. I tried a few times since but was rejected because she said she was too tired. One night she said she wanted to but was also too tired.
To answer some of the questions here. No I don't ever pressure her into sex or just expect it to happen by bluntly asking. I do often make romantic gestured regardless. Sending flowers, back and feet massages, small gifts, affection or flirting through the evenings. Come to think of it I'm often the one to initiate any touch or kissing or compliments between us. She also doesn't want to do anything while in the same room as the baby which I think is ridiculous and limits our availability even more because we can't leave the baby out if sight if the older kids are awake.
We both do our share of taking care of children and house chores. If anything I usually do more of the things around the house since I'm home more.
Our oldest child usually is up until 9. Not intentionally, we put him to bed at 8 but he isn't usually ready by then and will often come find us. He still often takes naps during daycare since they have a designated nap time.
Our parents are extremely busy as well. Between taking care of their parents needs (Frequently Dr visits), their other grandchildren (there are a lot), or their own lives.
Before marriage we would have a date night once a week and usually go out to dinner and occasionally catch a movie or hang out with friends. Since being married we no longer have any friends. Most of our free time is dedicated to catching up on sleep or house chores.
Overall I have been thinking a lot about how far apart we have drifted. Before we were married we were very close and talked about anything and everything. As time went on I think these conversations happened less frequently and our work and family lives got in the way. Now I feel so much anxiety about talking to her because I feel like we are completely different people than we used to be. Part of me wonders if we open that door of communication that we will find we no longer like each other. I can't even think of what we really have in common anymore aside from talking about our kids. I know that isn't a healthy for a marriage and needs to be done regardless of the result. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
Also I am interested in the scheduling sex thing. With our busy lives I think that would help us find time for each other. Can anyone share a bit more information on it? How did you discuss it with your partner? What if the scheduled time comes and they don't want to participate?
I never know how to bring up new things with my wife. I just imagine me asking her about it and her asking me where I got such an idea. I don't like the look of mistrust she gives me when I have told her about something new I want to try. That is probably part of the reason I stopped talking about sex is because when I make a suggestion I get a look and questions that make me feel mistrust or just perverted for reading into such things. It felt easier in the beginning because everything was new and so you could easily bring up topics. Now after being together for so long I guess it leads you to wonder why your spouse is asking something out of character or that hasn't been discussed before.
Also, I'm fairly new to posting to this site. I'm unsure if anyone would be notified of additional messages to this thread or if I should start a new one, if anyone sees this please let me know. Thank you.
I never know how to bring up new things with my wife. I just imagine me asking her about it and her asking me where I got such an idea. I don't like the look of mistrust she gives me when I have told her about something new I want to try. That is probably part of the reason I stopped talking about sex is because when I make a suggestion I get a look and questions that make me feel mistrust or just perverted for reading into such things. It felt easier in the beginning because everything was new and so you could easily bring up topics. Now after being together for so long I guess it leads you to wonder why your spouse is asking something out of character or that hasn't been discussed before.
Also, I'm fairly new to posting to this site. I'm unsure if anyone would be notified of additional messages to this thread or if I should start a new one, if anyone sees this please let me know. Thank you.
They may be from the same issue. She did have a c section and had to do some additional stuff. She should be all healed now though.Is her medical issue that brought on the weight gain the complications with pregnancy that resulted in a long healing period? Did she have a Cesarean? What happened? Maybe this is mostly medical.
I have never been one to ask for other forms of sex. Usually it was either offered or not. Should I have asked for something else since PIV was off the table?
Currently there is no birth control which might be reason for not wanting to do anything. There are plans to get on birth control. I have told her I am considering vasectomy since we don't want anymore kids anyway. She hasn't said anything about pain recently. Last we talked about it she was ready and told me she was.You can't assume that. My best friend, otherwise healthy, had a c section and was in pain for a full year and not up to sex and being in pain saps your energy. That is no small operation. "Some additional stuff" sounds bad too. If this issue predated childbirth, then okay. Listen to her when you talk about it. Ask her if it still hurts. Since she sounds like she had a bad birth, maybe she's afraid of getting pregnant again -- and should be. So have you two discussed birth control or a vasectomy? Just ask her. Ask if she still hurts. I bet she does. Ask if you should be on birth control so she doesn't get pregnant again.
Thank you for the insight. I think that would work well given we can find a time that will work for us and that she is up for it. I think maybe a scheduled time and then any other time if it happens it happens would be nice.Well in our case we just picked a day and time. Like daily at 4 in the afternoon. Just ask wife, "what do you think about setting aside some "us" time". Can't imagine she would say no. Then, ask her what days of the week and what time.
FWIW, my wife is the one who actually started the scheduling back when our kids were small. We were spending all of our time doing "stuff" and none of our time devoted to our fun time. She has always been an organized person since we met. So she said, "the kids don't wake up until I am fixing breakfast, so how about we set our alarm an hour before that?" Later in their lives, we would tell them "Mom n Dad take a nap every Sunday after church. If you knock on the door, something had better be on fire". Home from church, in the bedroom, lock the door.
So suppose something interferes? Like maybe the kid has been sick all night. Or suppose you or wife are under the weather. No big deal. If the day and time is on the schedule, it will happen the next time.
A lot of people think this is very unromantic because it isn't "spontaneous". It has worked for us for very many years.
Yeah we were talking about it but hadn't yet committed to the ideal. I know she mentioned getting a iud at some point but I don't know when since her doctor said she would need to be healed.So if you can afford vasectomy, that would probably be safest course for her at least. But she has pill options as long as she isn't high risk or something and her gyn approves. So either way. I think you should. It can be very dangerous. She doesn't need to have an accidental pregnancy and I know you wouldn't want that either! Talk to her about one of you going for your appointment and getting that underway and I wish you luck.
What kind of issues have you had with the IUD? I'm pretty set on not wanting more kids at the moment. It's been years of bottles and diapers and I'm ready for moving on. She seems to not fully be set and wants to hold off on making any long term prevention for another couple of years. My concern is not being careful enough and having another.Just keep updating this thread. It makes it a lot harder for people to follow along when posters start new threads for each update.
Talk to the daycare about it. They should be able to let him have quiet time instead of a nap. Does he nap on the weekends? If not, does he go to bed earlier?
So why can they spend time with their other grandchildren but not yours? I understand being busy, but this still sounds like an excuse IMO.
You should still have friends. If she has a great job, why not hire someone to help with cleaning, laundry, etc and take some of the load off?
What about hiring a babysitter?
My wife and I didn't sit down and set a schedule but sort of fell into one. It's just expected now that we're going to do it in the morning before the kids are up, when the little kids go to bed, and around midnight (that's always a longer one). Some days it doesn't happen every time. Sick kids, 6 month old who sleeps like ****, other plans, etc but we talk about it or have commonsense.
Obviously I'm not saying your goal should be multiple times a day, or even every day, but that's just some examples of when people with kids (I have 6) do it. Overlapping naps is also a good time, though my kids stopped doing that.
You need to get on this ASAP. It's certainly not helping and could be hurting. If you don't want more kids, be proactive and make sure it doesn't happen. Do you at least have condoms?
For IUDs, just make sure you look into the side effects. My wife has a copper IUD but I'd love for the thing to come out. We have bad luck though. Baby #6 came along 18 months after my vasectomy so...
We both make pretty decent money, at least for our area. It's fairly low cost of living. That said most of our expenses are spoken for.Just keep updating this thread. It makes it a lot harder for people to follow along when posters start new threads for each update.
Talk to the daycare about it. They should be able to let him have quiet time instead of a nap. Does he nap on the weekends? If not, does he go to bed earlier?
So why can they spend time with their other grandchildren but not yours? I understand being busy, but this still sounds like an excuse IMO.
You should still have friends. If she has a great job, why not hire someone to help with cleaning, laundry, etc and take some of the load off?
What about hiring a babysitter?
My wife and I didn't sit down and set a schedule but sort of fell into one. It's just expected now that we're going to do it in the morning before the kids are up, when the little kids go to bed, and around midnight (that's always a longer one). Some days it doesn't happen every time. Sick kids, 6 month old who sleeps like ****, other plans, etc but we talk about it or have commonsense.
Obviously I'm not saying your goal should be multiple times a day, or even every day, but that's just some examples of when people with kids (I have 6) do it. Overlapping naps is also a good time, though my kids stopped doing that.
You need to get on this ASAP. It's certainly not helping and could be hurting. If you don't want more kids, be proactive and make sure it doesn't happen. Do you at least have condoms?
For IUDs, just make sure you look into the side effects. My wife has a copper IUD but I'd love for the thing to come out. We have bad luck though. Baby #6 came along 18 months after my vasectomy so...
We did have a discussion about the lack of sex. She said she was kind of hurt I wasn't initating and wondered why. I tried telling her about how I usually get rejected and mentioned that if it doesn't look like she is close to being in the mood that I'm not going to try. She was kind of offended by that. I brought up scheduling and she seemed to be interested on the idea of having a designated us time. So far no luck but I'm hopeful.
Still struggling in this department. I tried initating a few times but she said she was too tired. Then she waits until we are trapped in the car away from home to ask me why I haven't been trying to initiate. I tell her I have but she always turns me down and that upsets her because she doesnt think that I have tried enough. It's becoming very frustrating. I'm the one that always makes a point to kiss or flirt and compliment her almost daily. I honestly don't remember the last time she kissed me or gave me a compliment. We are supposed to have a date night soon and part of me doesn't even want to go because I feel like I'm just going to get asked why I haven't been trying and it's going to blow up into an argument. I am trying, I'm starting to feel like I am the only one who really has.
Usually when we have sex it's really good. It's just getting to that point that's an issue. I talked to her about setting a scheduled day and she wanted to try it and we set one. The first week she was tired and wanted to go to sleep early and apologized for not having our time like we had planned. I told her that we could just plan for the next night instead. The next night it didn't happen either. We did end up having some brief sex the next day before being interrupted by a kid waking up. The following week she once again said she was tired and so far nothing else has happened.I had this idea of schedule sex for some weeks and thought it could solve our problem which was very similar to yours and lasted for many years.
We had a week-end trip planned, in a good hotel and a very fine restaurant. It was a joyous meal and after something like an hour I presented her the idea of a once a week romantic and sexual rendez-vous at home, fixed day, fixed time, at a moment we don't work and kids are at school, with the house's door locked and the key in the lock.
I exlained how I thought it could solve our "almost dead bedroom" problem which was related to not ever being in the mood, difficulty to communicate about sex, procrastination, rejection after initiating leading to waiting for the other to initiate, etc.
I underlined all the advantages for her : -no risk of kids coming or hearing us -her always clean and emotionally prepared -me always clean and emotionally prepared -only once a week but intense and passionate -no pressure or worry rest of the week -no need to talk or akward initiating.
She agreed to try it for one month and to decide after that if we go on, adjust or stop. Importantly, we also agreed on a backup schedule, i.e. another time of the day to use when it's really not possible as scheduled (kids not at school etc.), even if less ideal and maybe requiring a shorter and simpler activity.
At the same time, I made another change and went full alpha during sex, i.e. I almost always have a plan and guide her verbally and nonverbally during sex which she enjoys a lot (but she never told me before).
And it all went very wellAfter some months, procrastination tried a comeback and she started trying to "dodge" it for bad reasons, we had another difficult conversation (discussed in another thread) but then it was all good.
It was two years ago and we still do it as originally planned, and we are happier than ever before !! She's also a lot more sexually open and horny now, physically and mentally, on our schedule but also more generally, and has no more problems reaching O.
In short, schedule sex frees us from many things and allows us to get emotionally and physically ready, also anticipation makes us very horny.
Give it a try, best of luck !
The other day I had made a joke about buying her a sexy outfit online. She just gave me a smile at the thought but wasn't against it. After making this comment it I started considering actually getting her a naughty gift or some sort to maybe help get her in the mood. She has an older vibrator we will sometimes use on her but it's from earlier in our relationship when we used to occasionally visit adult toy shops and were more sexual with each other. I wondered if I should get her something I think she will like and surprise her with it. I wasn't quite sure which way to go about it though and don't want to waste my time or money if she doesn't end up liking the idea. Or I could send her the link to what I was thinking of getting her and see what she thinks? Or even just send her to the online store and have her pick something she wants to try. My concerns on this is she won't be in the mood if I send her something and it will just upset her. Or if I got her something and surprise her that she won't like that I bought something without asking for her consideration beforehand. It's been years since we have bought anything like this and it's never been online. We haven't even talked about adult toys in quite some time so I'm unsure how to proceed.
1 - 20 of 104 Posts
Talk About Marriage
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Top Contributors this Month
View All
ConanHub
608 Replies
DownByTheRiver
572 Replies
heather42
467 Replies
Recommended Communities
