[DryScreen1515]

My wife and I haven't had sex or any sexual contact in several months. We have had similar issues in the past due to her stress or feeling bad about herself due to body issues. Prior to this I felt like we had a pretty good sex life, it was frequent and we would try new things. I was very open to talking about sex and initiate often. Things changed when she had gained weight due to a medical issue and no longer felt comfortable showing herself in front of me even though I still thought she looked wonderful and told her so often. At this point our sex life started to dwindle and I stopped trying to initiate because I was so tired of being rejected all the time. Eventually the only time we would have sex only was when trying to conceive and it was no longer fun or enjoyable. After having kids and my wife was able to get herself back to a body image she was comfortable with but we were so busy and tired all the time we no longer found the time to do anything. Plus my wife became very stressed due to work and other life issues. It came down to us maybe having sex a few times a year. Early last year we had a deep discussion about our lacking sex life and she also inquired about how often I masturbated and of my porn use and she said she was okay with it all but just doesn't want to know about it. We decided to start trying to make more time for ourselves and we started having more frequent sex, similar to how we used to but I was still having trouble initiating because of fear of rejection. We got pregnant and her hormones took off and she couldn't get enough things were going great. Later into pregnancy we decided to have a weekend getaway before the baby arrived. All weekend I tried initiating and she turned me down saying she wasn't in the mood or too tired. This hurt my ego a bit since this had been really my first big attempt at outwardly initiating since being rejected so many times before but I just shook it off. When we got home things went back to the hustle of daily life. The following weekend I tried to initiate once again but this time she turned me down and said she was no longer interested. Fast forward several months later and well past birth we still haven't had any sexual contact. She has mentioned a few times she is now ready to start again but usually not in a good time when we can. We have both been very tired with taking care of a newborn and other children and she often falls asleep early leaving me alone to fend for myself. I really want to try initating again but I'm also afraid of being rejected and never know when is a good time because she never seems in the mood until the most inconvenient times. I also worry she will think if I don't do anything that I no longer want her which isn't the case at all.

Tldr: Wife's frequent rejection in the past leaves me anxious about initiating now.

 

[*Deidre*]

It sounds like you both have to find time away from when you go to sleep, since she falls asleep early. Maybe take a shower together? Maybe get a babysitter, and do something completely spontaneous, like in the car after a dinner and movie date night? There are ways that you both can bring your sex life back, but it takes both of you to work on some different ways to bring intimacy back into the ''routine.'' It sounds like she's still very interested, but she's also understandably tired, and might be up for doing something completely spontaneous to awaken that spark you once had. Just some ideas.

 

[jsmart]

I agree that with your busy schedule and kids, it will have to be a spontaneous initiation. Don’t over think it. You both are doing some chore/task together and soon as you’re done , grab her hand, kiss her in the mouth, and tell her let’s go the room. Don’t overthink it. It has to be done with confidence that it’s going to happen and not in asking way.

 

[DryScreen1515]

It sounds like you both have to find time away from when you go to sleep, since she falls asleep early. Maybe take a shower together? Maybe get a babysitter, and do something completely spontaneous, like in the car after a dinner and movie date night? There are ways that you both can bring your sex life back, but it takes both of you to work on some different ways to bring intimacy back into the ''routine.'' It sounds like she's still very interested, but she's also understandably tired, and might be up for doing something completely spontaneous to awaken that spark you once had. Just some ideas.

Unfortunately with so many small kids we don't really get to be out of site of them at the same time until they are asleep which is at the point of going to sleep ourselves. We haven't had a date night for a while and don't foresee ourselves getting one still for a bit. We both wake up early for work and with her long commute we get about 3 hours of time a night which is spent with our kids (dinner, baths, bedtime, etc)

 

[FloridaGuy1]

Unfortunately with so many small kids we don't really get to be out of site of them at the same time until they are asleep which is at the point of going to sleep ourselves. We haven't had a date night for a while and don't foresee ourselves getting one still for a bit. We both wake up early for work and with her long commute we get about 3 hours of time a night which is spent with our kids (dinner, baths, bedtime, etc)

How long is her commute? If its longer than 1 hr, you live too far away from her work and should either move closer or get a new job. Not just for sex reasons but a whole host of reasons listed on my life improvement\job improvement scales. She is spending too much time getting back and forth to work for which is lost time away from you and the kids (plus lost money)

 

[MJJEAN]

Would it be possible to shift the kids bedtime to an hour earlier?

 

[DryScreen1515]

Would it be possible to shift the kids bedtime to an hour earlier?

No our oldest goes to bed around 9 each night. My wife shortly after that and sometimes before.

 

[DryScreen1515]

How long is her commute? If its longer than 1 hr, you live too far away from her work and should either move closer or get a new job. Not just for sex reasons but a whole host of reasons listed on my life improvement\job improvement scales. She is spending too much time getting back and forth to work for which is lost time away from you and the kids (plus lost money)

It's about an hour but we currently live in our hometown both our families are here and want our kids to go to school here. She wakes up at 5am and isn't home until 6pm each day. It is pretty hard on her but she has a great paying job.

 

[Rus47]

I really want to try initating again but I'm also afraid of being rejected and never know when is a good time because she never seems in the mood until the most inconvenient times.

Set up a schedule for intimacy. A time and day that works for both of you. Wife snd I did that when our kids were small and it worked very well. We still have an appointment with one another daily in afternoon. And if life intervenes, no big deal. There is always tomorrow. But what it does is prioritize your relationship so evetything else doesnt smother the important relationship.

If your original schedule doesnt work, just adjust it until it does. An hour every day or two or three can be found, you both just need to find it. It sounds like your wife is interested so the biggest barrier isnt there.

 

[Sfort]

It's unfortunate, but your wife has already experienced The Great Decline. You'll get some suggestions here to help you deal with it, but the odds are that you and she will end up as just roommates. It's an all-too-comment story we hear here. Spend some time reading through old posts. There are thousands of posts on the topic. Best of luck to you. Your situation is really difficult to accept.

 

[FloridaGuy1]

It's about an hour but we currently live in our hometown both our families are here and want our kids to go to school here. She wakes up at 5am and isn't home until 6pm each day. It is pretty hard on her but she has a great paying job.

Maybe she can see if she can work remotely even just a day or two a week based on having kids? It certainly can't hurt to ask her employer. I think even a day or two a week avoiding two hrs of travel each day would help a lot of things including the sex life.

 

[FloridaGuy1]

It's about an hour but we currently live in our hometown both our families are here and want our kids to go to school here. She wakes up at 5am and isn't home until 6pm each day. It is pretty hard on her but she has a great paying job.

I may not be allowed to post this but check out Mr. Money Moustache. He has a great web site all dealing with successes at work and making work, work for you more or less.

 

[MJJEAN]

No our oldest goes to bed around 9 each night. My wife shortly after that and sometimes before.

You're the parents and you get to decide when the kiddos go to bed. Set the bedtime at 8 pm and have an hour to spend together awake and without the kids. And not just for sex. You need to be able to maintain that personal romantic couple bond that is independent of the kids and your shared adult life responsibilities.

 

[mwise003]

If we didn't have sex when the kids are awake, we'd never have sex. We simply say we're going to take a shower or if they're busy doing something, we just go to our room and lock the door. Turn the tv on to drown out other noises. Our kids also know that we have sex, we don't hide that fact from them.
Of course, this works for us because we both want to be intimate and make it a priority.

 

[Dormatte]

She just doesn't want sex currently at this stage in her life. ..


Scheduling isn't the problem.
The kids aren't a problem...

When a person wants to do something genuinely and feels passionately about it, they'll find a way...if not they'll die trying..


If she really wanted it, you two would be going at it. .


You were after the first one..


She doesn't want to right now for perhaps a variety of reasons....

Regardless of the reasons, respect her choice.

No conversations or coercion needed about it.

If it were reversed, you're entitled to not have sex when you don't want to as well.


Bottom line, this may be temporarily, off and on, or permanent..

You have to decide if your sexual incompatibilities in your relationship is a marriage ender.. deal breaker...

People have to keep in mind before marriage that
People don't stay the same forever...
Things don't stay the same forever...
Change is inevitable

The longer you stay and things remain the same,

You'll eventually cheat..

Maybe she will as well.. (if not already).


Relationships with long lasting sexual incompatibilities never genuinely work out for the best.


Also, I would suggest not having any more children in the near future or at all...

You two are barely managing with the ones you have.

Hope that's not offensive.

 

[thenerdguy]

Wow I do not understand how people can go months without sex, I start being a hard person to be around after 2 weeks. At 3 months I would be gone, if there was not some medical issue.

There is a deeper issue going on here, either medical or something with you. The fact you are fearing rejection from her says somethings actually.

I would try to find out why there is not desire for you. Either its you needing to man up or get her to the doc.

Also I agree with the scheduling sex at this point. When kids are young, it really helps!! Just remember you will need to break out of the scheduling of sex once the kids get older or you will run into other problems.

 

[DryScreen1515]

She just doesn't want sex currently at this stage in her life. ..


Scheduling isn't the problem.
The kids aren't a problem...

When a person wants to do something genuinely and feels passionately about it, they'll find a way...if not they'll die trying..


If she really wanted it, you two would be going at it. .


You were after the first one..


She doesn't want to right now for perhaps a variety of reasons....

Regardless of the reasons, respect her choice.

No conversations or coercion needed about it.

If it were reversed, you're entitled to not have sex when you don't want to as well.


Bottom line, this may be temporarily, off and on, or permanent..

You have to decide if your sexual incompatibilities in your relationship is a marriage ender.. deal breaker...

People have to keep in mind before marriage that
People don't stay the same forever...
Things don't stay the same forever...
Change is inevitable

The longer you stay and things remain the same,

You'll eventually cheat..

Maybe she will as well.. (if not already).


Relationships with long lasting sexual incompatibilities never genuinely work out for the best.


Also, I would suggest not having any more children in the near future or at all...

You two are barely managing with the ones you have.

Hope that's not offensive.

She wants it, thats why she had brought it up multiple times in the last couple weeks. We have 3 kids one a newborn. She had complications with the pregnancy that resulted in a longer healing period.We just live busy lives and experience many challenges but we have faced each one as a team. I'm sorry you have such a pessimistic view.

 

[Lila]

@DryScreen1515 just reading your post and responses, you sound like an understanding husband with high emotional intelligence. It also sounds like you acquired some anxiety surrounding initiating sex with your wife.

The way I overcame anxiety is to minimize the fear of the potential negative outcome. Rejection is unpleasant and not something humans enjoy. You can try practicing outcome independence.

 

[Rus47]

Maybe take a shower together?

Great idea! Think outside of the bix. Where there is a will there is a way

 

[Dormatte]

She wants it, thats why she had brought it up multiple times in the last couple weeks. We have 3 kids one a newborn. She had complications with the pregnancy that resulted in a longer healing period.We just live busy lives and experience many challenges but we have faced each one as a team. I'm sorry you have such a pessimistic view.

I have a realistic view.
I said it could either improve to be at a permanent constant or state of fluctuation.

People change. Life changes people.


Just because she said that, doesn't mean that is genuine...or that she genuinely "wants it".. She may have only said it, going along with it only for your benefit...

She may be feeling extremely pressured by you, and give in... trying to get you off her back..

Perhaps she may want to...

If she really wanted it..and wanted it frequently... She would find a way regardless of children, or whatever else is happening.

You two would put the kids to bed earlier, or you two go at it quietly and quickly while they're watching TV or something, there are childcare centers, babysitters, free child centers, free child carers, etc...


She doesn't want to for whatever her reasons are. She's entitled to not have sex with you..just like you are entitled.

Perhaps she finds fault with you or just isn't interested in you anymore or less.

There's a variety of reasons why she could possibly not want it....


If this decline is permanent and permanently declining...


You have to decide if you could continue to be in this relationship.

You seem to have a higher sex drive. Hers have decreased temporarily or permanently

Stop, talking about, stop exhibiting sexually frustrated behaviors, stop asking and pressuring her for sex. (If you are)


Please don't resort to cheating(hopefully you haven't been).

If you can't handle the possibility that can become a reality, please just go.