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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How do I talk about sex with my husband? We are both very shy when it comes to sex. He is a very quiet person in general and I am really only shy when it comes to sex. I have a bad history with sex. We were both virgins when we got married 5 years ago. I was a virgin in the sense that I had never had consensual sex. I have only ever talked to my husband about what happened to me. I made this confession while we were dating and starting to get serious. I didn't want him to think I was this A+ virgin when really I had this type of baggage. I did not go into details and bless him he did not ask for any. I don't know how to talk to him without making him feel bad, but there are times when he says certain words while we are being intimate that make me freak out. I worry that he will be too worried about scaring me that he won't want to touch me. There are things that I want to do for him but am too scared to attempt because I am worried that I will have a panick attack. This has happened once before and I told him I was crying due to hormones. P.S. Just writing this down was extremely hard to do. I have looked through the threads on this site for a long time(2yrs) and just now have worked up the nerve to join and ask for help.
 

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Sorry to hear that happened to you. It is very common for survivors of sexual assault to be triggered by certain things during sex that cause panic attacks, flash backs, and disassociation. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I would find a good website about survivors of abuse and triggering. Tell him that you relate to it and that you would like to talk about it. If you both can see that it's normal you can work on him avoiding triggers and you being able to communicate when you are triggered.
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Couple ideas:

Enlist a sex therapist and work with her together with your husband on the issues and negative reactions you have from your past.

Also, sometimes writing things is easier than saying them,
 

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I finally told my husband what happened 11 years into our marriage. I had fully healed from this on my own since it happened so early in life and blocked out what happened over and over again as a child. Not sure if this was the healthy way to heal, but it works for me. The only triggers I have is reading about others experiences online. One thing I asked my husband to do was not to tell anyone including family. My husband was very upset at what had happened. He asked me for a name, but not too many details thank goodness.

I fully trust my husband. We are best friends and very close. Even though he was angry over the situation after I told him, he never brought it up again. It did not change the way my husband looked at me either. I sometimes wonder if I should of just let it go and not tell him. I have no hang ups from it since I fully trust my husband.

My husband is very kind, gentle, extremely supportive, affectionate, and a very nice guy. My husband is very protective of me and wants to make sure I'm safe and healthy at all times. Both my husband and I were sexually shy in talking about sex in the beginning of the marriage, but now we talk about everything. We have a very healthy intimate life as well.

Don't be afraid to tell your husband. If you are having issues with being intimate, this will help you heal and move forward. I wish you the best of luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you, what you wrote really helps. I will give it time and maybe we both can open up in our own time. You seem a lot like me in the sense that I just keep all of those thoughts blocked out until I find myself mid panick attack. Some of the triggers I don't even understand. How long into your marriage until you all started talking more in depth about sex?
 

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I don't exactly remember when we were really comfortable with each other. It gradually happened over time. It was maybe over the 5-6 years before it started to gradually be more comfortable. I told my husband just a few weeks ago that it was him that helped me build up my confidence. It went both ways too. I have built his confidence up too. We do have a really good marriage and are going on 13 years of being married. As time goes on, our bond grows stronger towards each other. We still hold hands/snuggle every night while winding down and talk to each other or watch TV.
 

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It's definitely something I'd recommend working on in therapy so that you can open up to your husband. I was violently raped as a teen and for years acted out sexually as a result. By being able to face the trauma and then reclaiming my sexuality with a man I trust, I can say the triggers are nearly gone. Just a bad dream once in a great while or so.
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By being able to face the trauma and then reclaiming my sexuality with a man I trust, I can say the triggers are nearly gone. Just a bad dream once in a great while or so.
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I'm sorry for what happened to you too. This explains it very well. Thank you.

Why would anyone question a very traumatic experience in the first place? The ONLY reason I post it here is because none of you know who I am and we post here an anonymously. Do you really want me to feel bad about my past and have me go back to dig up these horrific moments to replay them in my mind? I fully trust my husband. He has very kind, gentle ways about him. We've been married for quite a while now and I fully trust him. I thank God everyday for helping me find such an honorable man that I adore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you all for your comments. I think he has started to pick up on some of my hang ups...last night was great(no freaking our or tears on my part). I think we are getting to a point where we both want a little more from each other and we are having difficulties expressing what we want b/c of our shyness and my past issues. I will just need to figure out how to be brave enough to talk to him about this stuff. Any suggestions on how to get this conversation started and it not be weird?
 

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He has to have noticed your reactions at times? Tell him you want to help him understand so you can work together on fixing this so it doesn't ruin the intimacy in your marriage. Explain that you love and trust him a great deal and just need him to listen and hold you if yo are comfortable with that. There will be times where dredging it all up will make it worse but with more communication and time, it will get better.

Keep pushing yourself a bit more and more sexually with him. Try making a list of things you'd like to do together and share that.
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