[SpinCity]

My husband and I have been having issues for several years mainly related to a power struggle. From my perspective, he wants to control everything from money to raising our children to how I spend my spare time. You name it he feels he has the right to make the final decision on the topic. Now that we are separating he wants to control the terms. I want to tell the kids the truth; of course not the entire story just what they need to know. I suggested that the kids stay with me during the week and he take them on the weekend while we decide on the next step (work on saving the marriage or divorce). He wants to go to an apartment Monday to Friday and come back home for the weekend. We would tell the kids that Dad is traveling on business. I feel this arrangement is unfair because I will have zero time to myself to think things through. We discussed this plan with a Therapist and she said that it is unorthodox but could work if we agree to not talk about our issues during our weekends together. In addition my husband would be fully responsible for the kids during the weekend. I reluctantly agreed and we scheduled a follow up appointment with the Therapist in 3 weeks.

This was our first week following my husband "separation" plan. Yesterday when I was working late, my husband called home to speak with the kids and our 7 year old had a melt down saying that he missed Daddy. My husband called me at work and chewed me out for working late and said that I was irresponsible for choosing to work late the first week of the "separation" and he called me brainless. I was taken aback by the name calling and given that the kids where told that he was away on business why couldn't he see that our son was just missing his daddy. I felt that he was projecting his guilt of being away on me. He decided to come back early and now there is tension in the house because I do not want to be around him and per our agreement I can't talk with him about what happened.

I would love advice on how to get through this

 

[cooljay]

You have to stand firm on your decisions. Don't let him emotionally control you and abuse you emotionally!! You have to stand your ground. I understand it's rough with children in the house but he needs to play by his own rules and if he's not suppose to have time with the kids yet, he needs to be somewhere else per your agreement.

You working late doesn't matter and is just something he can use to bully you with, do not let him. If your children are being watched over/taken care of while you're at work that's all that matters. Of course the kids are going to miss daddy, my own daughter misses me to death when she is with mommy and she talks constantly about me and wanting to be with daddy, it's only natural for children.

Can you start no contact with him? Him calling and chewing you out at work is a sign he still thinks he is in control of you, it's time you stand up for yourself and stop letting him emotionally control you. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

 

[SpinCity]

CoolJay, Thank you for your response. I read your reply several times and you are right! My husband is using my emotions to control me and as painful as it is to admit to myself I am allowing this behavior by not standing up for myself. I am going to have to find the courage to hold my ground. I want peace for me and my children and the only way I can get it is for him to move out 100%. Another confession is that I also loss my nerves because I know how painful the separation is going to be on the kids and I was hoping to spare them the pain by trying to work things out to save the marriage. But now I see that the price is too high. How can I be a good mother if I have zero self-esteem left. I need to be a role model to show my kids how to demand to be treated with respect. I am going to push through the anger and threats (i.e. take the kids, kick me out the house, cut off finance, etc.) and make my voice be heard. Again, thank you for the advice and words of encouragement. Please wish me luck.

 

[cooljay]

Best of luck and the forum will be here should you need inspiration, help, or to just "vent" about things. I have a 3 year old daughter and I am currently going through separation with her mother and it's rough but I've got to be strong for her and be that role model and I am glad to hear you are taking steps on improving yourself not only for you, but for your kids in this rough time.

Please keep us updated if you can.