I never said I wanted to be entertained or I want crazy adventures. I just feel like he doesn’t initiate things unless I bring it up and even then it’s a rain check.Ahh, the "I'm not being entertained" complaint. I read constantly that women "want to be surprised", "want adventure", want someone "open to experiencing new things" etc. etc. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who want that too, but mostly they are younger (read: less mature) men. That's not saying all men who want adventure are immature. It just seems to me that (often) men and women grow at different rates. Women on dating sites in their 40's "want adventure" and to "experience new things". Personally, I am never, ever bored, even if I don't leave the house. There are simply too many things I can entertain myself with, be engaged with, be challenged by - I don't need to go hiking or try the newest, hippest restaurant or go parasailing to be engaged or challenged.
For me, staying in and cooking together, talking, watching a series together, listening to music together...with someone who is an interesting person, this is plenty for me to be happy. For you, that's boring af. He's showing you who he is - he's a homebody who digs hanging out with you. That's not going to change. Even if you gave him some ultimatum, that he needs to be somehow more exciting and mysterious and adventurous for you - he'll be faking it, because that's not who he is, and that's not something he can sustain.
I didn't read if you posted your ages - but I think this is a common problem with people not in their 20's/early 30's. Guys in their 40's and up who are all mystery and excitement and adventure when they first start dating you are, probably for the most part, putting on a show. The problem for you is, the kind of guys (generally) that are all mystery and excitement and adventure are either quite a bit younger, immature, irresponsible, "bad boys" (read: d-bags) or players. Obviously this isn't a hard rule - there are obviously exceptions.
If you want the mystery and excitement etc., that will probably come with the cost of instability, immaturity and other headaches. It's not his job to keep you entertained, but it sounds like that's what you want. You'll need to decide how much you dig this guy, and what's more important - just enjoying being with him, or being entertained. Just don't expect him to change - he won't.
The fact that he bails even when you initiate probably isn't a good sign. But seriously, he's not ever going to take initiative. As I mentioned, I certainly don't see anything wrong with wanting go do something once in a while. In my last relationship I enjoyed going out for dinner/drinks sometimes, to a movie. And the occasional getaway. Those weren't things that were necessarily in my nature to do, but when I did, I enjoyed it, and I knew it was important to her. I know she wanted more of that. And I was willing to put that effort in - and again, I liked it when we did. This guy sounds not only uninterested in it, but averse to it. Sounds like you won't even get the bare minimum in that regard. And it sounds like that's a pretty serious issue for you.I never said I wanted to be entertained or I want crazy adventures. I just feel like he doesn’t initiate things unless I bring it up and even then it’s a rain check.
The things we do aren’t boring per se but me waiting around for him to take initiative is and I don’t want to be the only one making an effort. That’s my main issue.
He does go out with friends Sometimes so it’s not something he doesn’t do.
Going out for drinks/dinner with your boyfriend isn’t exactly an adventure but it’s fun to have a change of scenery.
I guess you’re right he’s a homebody and unless someone else takes the lead he doesn’t make much of an effort.
With the advent of online dating, I think the attention span and perceived effort required is less. There are potential options available right there on your phone 24/7 especially if they are good looking and have great profile. So there can be a fear of missing out.I think we need a thread on the women’s forum to talk about/teach women how to date. Men need to chase, and us women are too available or something. I think this is a lost art. I know that I am Terrible at it.
I shall preface this that I've been in a committed relationship for 25 years... so whadda I know.Thanks for your honest comments. I don’t want a bad boy or crazy excitement, he’s a really good guy and I like him a lot I just wish he’d take me out at least once or twice. I sometimes go out with my friends so it’s not the restaurants or bars I crave but the fun of going out with a boyfriend.
If this is meant to long-term thing, it’s possible he has an avoidant attachment style and yours is an anxious one. The key here would be give him space to pursue. Avoidants see pursuit and dating as pressure and hence withdraw. Anxious people see it as a sign they aren’t into them. Check out Thais Gibson’s videos on a YouTube.Should I make myself less available?
Well we don’t see each other for a full week and during that time we chat a bit but not much because of work and such. So he as a ton of space. I don’t bombard him with things I wanna do. We only see each other every other week, 4 times a week on average and almost never for 2 nights back to back unless we go camping or something.If this is meant to long-term thing, it’s possible he has an avoidant attachment style and yours is an anxious one. The key here would be give him space to pursue. Avoidants see pursuit and dating as pressure and hence withdraw. Anxious people see it as a sign they aren’t into them. Check out Thais Gibson’s videos on a YouTube.
If this is a short-term thing, the other thought is perhaps you’re feeling like this guy should be chasing you because you’re the prize and are frustrated he isn’t any more. The new relationship energy is gone and you weren’t ready for it to be over so quickly.
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That one (in bold), you don't need to calm down and you are perfectly normal. Especially for the reasons you mentioned which I underlined.Well we don’t see each other for a full week and during that time we chat a bit but not much because of work and such. So he as a ton of space. I don’t bombard him with things I wanna do. We only see each other every other week, 4 times a week on average and almost never for 2 nights back to back unless we go camping or something.
I don’t think I want him to chase me because I feel like the prize. I guess it’s more about showing interest as much as I do and taking the lead. Like I don't mind making suggestions and plans but if it’s one sided it’s going to get frustrating and feel like he’s not making an effort. Maybe we’re just not compatible or maybe I need to calm down lol
Thanks for the YouTube video, I’ll check it out!
This is likely the answer, IMO.Okay. So this is not someone you're dating. This is a man you're having sex with - and calling it dating. It's not the same thing.
And if getting used for sex isn't on your list, then that's something to change.
What one wants and needs and what one feels are often separate from logic.Who wants to fall head over heels for someone they can't see but every other week?
Sounds like you are NOT enthralled by this behavior.Should I make myself less available?
Always better if you could openly talk about it. He's never going to get if you are planning to play games with him.This guy I've been dating for 3 months doesn't really take initiative when it comes to making date plans. He did at first but not anymore unless I suggest something. He's interested in me but it feels like he's gotten too comfortable. It's starting to get a little boring. It would feel nice to be pursued a little bit. Should I make myself less available?