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ETA: that being said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to go out and do something once and a while. But there is a significant difference between that, and expecting to be entertained.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Ahh, the "I'm not being entertained" complaint. I read constantly that women "want to be surprised", "want adventure", want someone "open to experiencing new things" etc. etc. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who want that too, but mostly they are younger (read: less mature) men. That's not saying all men who want adventure are immature. It just seems to me that (often) men and women grow at different rates. Women on dating sites in their 40's "want adventure" and to "experience new things". Personally, I am never, ever bored, even if I don't leave the house. There are simply too many things I can entertain myself with, be engaged with, be challenged by - I don't need to go hiking or try the newest, hippest restaurant or go parasailing to be engaged or challenged.

For me, staying in and cooking together, talking, watching a series together, listening to music together...with someone who is an interesting person, this is plenty for me to be happy. For you, that's boring af. He's showing you who he is - he's a homebody who digs hanging out with you. That's not going to change. Even if you gave him some ultimatum, that he needs to be somehow more exciting and mysterious and adventurous for you - he'll be faking it, because that's not who he is, and that's not something he can sustain.

I didn't read if you posted your ages - but I think this is a common problem with people not in their 20's/early 30's. Guys in their 40's and up who are all mystery and excitement and adventure when they first start dating you are, probably for the most part, putting on a show. The problem for you is, the kind of guys (generally) that are all mystery and excitement and adventure are either quite a bit younger, immature, irresponsible, "bad boys" (read: d-bags) or players. Obviously this isn't a hard rule - there are obviously exceptions.

If you want the mystery and excitement etc., that will probably come with the cost of instability, immaturity and other headaches. It's not his job to keep you entertained, but it sounds like that's what you want. You'll need to decide how much you dig this guy, and what's more important - just enjoying being with him, or being entertained. Just don't expect him to change - he won't.
I never said I wanted to be entertained or I want crazy adventures. I just feel like he doesn’t initiate things unless I bring it up and even then it’s a rain check.
The things we do aren’t boring per se but me waiting around for him to take initiative is and I don’t want to be the only one making an effort. That’s my main issue.

He does go out with friends Sometimes so it’s not something he doesn’t do.
Going out for drinks/dinner with your boyfriend isn’t exactly an adventure but it’s fun to have a change of scenery.

I guess you’re right he’s a homebody and unless someone else takes the lead he doesn’t make much of an effort.
 

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I never said I wanted to be entertained or I want crazy adventures. I just feel like he doesn’t initiate things unless I bring it up and even then it’s a rain check.
The things we do aren’t boring per se but me waiting around for him to take initiative is and I don’t want to be the only one making an effort. That’s my main issue.

He does go out with friends Sometimes so it’s not something he doesn’t do.
Going out for drinks/dinner with your boyfriend isn’t exactly an adventure but it’s fun to have a change of scenery.

I guess you’re right he’s a homebody and unless someone else takes the lead he doesn’t make much of an effort.
The fact that he bails even when you initiate probably isn't a good sign. But seriously, he's not ever going to take initiative. As I mentioned, I certainly don't see anything wrong with wanting go do something once in a while. In my last relationship I enjoyed going out for dinner/drinks sometimes, to a movie. And the occasional getaway. Those weren't things that were necessarily in my nature to do, but when I did, I enjoyed it, and I knew it was important to her. I know she wanted more of that. And I was willing to put that effort in - and again, I liked it when we did. This guy sounds not only uninterested in it, but averse to it. Sounds like you won't even get the bare minimum in that regard. And it sounds like that's a pretty serious issue for you.

Again - you'll need to decide what's more important - doing those things, or just being with him. And it's fair if those things are important enough that you don't want to stick around. My guess is your resentment is going to grow pretty quickly in this regard.

The fact that he does go out with friends, etc. and not you is a bit of a red flag too. If there's one thing I've learned over the years - it's that you should NOT ignore red flags. Doing that has burned me every. Single.Time.

Also - listen, very carefully, to your gut.
 

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I think we need a thread on the women’s forum to talk about/teach women how to date. Men need to chase, and us women are too available or something. I think this is a lost art. I know that I am Terrible at it.
 

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I think we need a thread on the women’s forum to talk about/teach women how to date. Men need to chase, and us women are too available or something. I think this is a lost art. I know that I am Terrible at it.
With the advent of online dating, I think the attention span and perceived effort required is less. There are potential options available right there on your phone 24/7 especially if they are good looking and have great profile. So there can be a fear of missing out.

I think the chase needs to go both ways but in terms of dating/adventure there are two facets to this: 1) “playing together” in the hopes of finding common interests and passion; 2) some adventure is required for bonding and memory making.

For the OP, he his showing her who he his and she can take it or leave it. Maybe he’s an introvert, maybe he’s on the autism spectrum, maybe he’s able to entertain himself. Reality check.... this is married life for many couples. Sitting around not doing much because of kids, health issues or finances is common.


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Thanks for your honest comments. I don’t want a bad boy or crazy excitement, he’s a really good guy and I like him a lot I just wish he’d take me out at least once or twice. I sometimes go out with my friends so it’s not the restaurants or bars I crave but the fun of going out with a boyfriend.
I shall preface this that I've been in a committed relationship for 25 years... so whadda I know.

However..! I have a keyboard in front of me and an opinion. So here goes. It comes across to me that you're not that much into him. '...the fun of going out with a boyfriend.' Granted, you wrote you wish he'd take you out at least once or twice. But I can't help but wonder, is it the fun of going out with a boyfriend, or the fun of going out with this particular gentleman? Seems to me it's the idea of him that you might like perhaps more than the reality. And while many of us are staying home during these times, I personally think if you're into one another, it doesn't really matter so much what you're doing. You just dig being together. If there's no build-up between you, if it feels 'meh' with cooking and sex (as you mentioned), it doesn't seem like you're that into one another. I'm not reading of the excitement of just being around each other, of getting to know one another intimately, up all night chatting, sharing, and all that jazz. So 3 months in and feeling this way? Doesn't sound like the all-important chemistry vibe is there for (and between) you.
 

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And as far as the Men's Clubhouse goes... I just come by for the comfy chesterfields and gin, from time to time.
 

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I am introverted, and the 'rona has made my world a paradise. My girlfriend is extroverted and the 'rona has driven her mad. In my free time I would be content lazing around at home, cozying up, watching movies, playing games. If I go out aside from making money doing so, I tend to last maybe an hour or two before I want to rip someone's head off for no reason what so ever. Anti social personality disorder at its finest.

However despite my excuses, my girlfriend also thought I was getting too comfortable after nearly 3 years and having sex on tap. And yes, she's right, as sociopathic and violent as I am, a relationship is about two, not one.

She wanted dates, for us to go out to the virus ridden hell-hole of the world, brave its dangers, and as she puts it; for me to "make effort".

So, we needed a solution, and we found one: dates planned each month, taking turns in organising. No excuses. Last month, took her fine dining and had her dress up for the occasion and quite frankly, wasn't so bad. As she looked absolutely beautiful my violent tendencies were also sedated... until later in the night.

Propose the same to your boyfriend, if he doesn't comply with such a fair request, dump him. If even a crazy dude like me can get out of his shell he can too. As my girlfriend puts it, its about making effort.
 

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Should I make myself less available?

Any thoughts/tips/advice?
If this is meant to long-term thing, it’s possible he has an avoidant attachment style and yours is an anxious one. The key here would be give him space to pursue. Avoidants see pursuit and dating as pressure and hence withdraw. Anxious people see it as a sign they aren’t into them. Check out Thais Gibson’s videos on a YouTube.

If this is a short-term thing, the other thought is perhaps you’re feeling like this guy should be chasing you because you’re the prize and are frustrated he isn’t any more. The new relationship energy is gone and you weren’t ready for it to be over so quickly.


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Discussion Starter #50
If this is meant to long-term thing, it’s possible he has an avoidant attachment style and yours is an anxious one. The key here would be give him space to pursue. Avoidants see pursuit and dating as pressure and hence withdraw. Anxious people see it as a sign they aren’t into them. Check out Thais Gibson’s videos on a YouTube.

If this is a short-term thing, the other thought is perhaps you’re feeling like this guy should be chasing you because you’re the prize and are frustrated he isn’t any more. The new relationship energy is gone and you weren’t ready for it to be over so quickly.


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Well we don’t see each other for a full week and during that time we chat a bit but not much because of work and such. So he as a ton of space. I don’t bombard him with things I wanna do. We only see each other every other week, 4 times a week on average and almost never for 2 nights back to back unless we go camping or something.

I don’t think I want him to chase me because I feel like the prize. I guess it’s more about showing interest as much as I do and taking the lead. Like I don't mind making suggestions and plans but if it’s one sided it’s going to get frustrating and feel like he’s not making an effort. Maybe we’re just not compatible or maybe I need to calm down lol

Thanks for the YouTube video, I’ll check it out!
 

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Well we don’t see each other for a full week and during that time we chat a bit but not much because of work and such. So he as a ton of space. I don’t bombard him with things I wanna do. We only see each other every other week, 4 times a week on average and almost never for 2 nights back to back unless we go camping or something.

I don’t think I want him to chase me because I feel like the prize. I guess it’s more about showing interest as much as I do and taking the lead. Like I don't mind making suggestions and plans but if it’s one sided it’s going to get frustrating and feel like he’s not making an effort. Maybe we’re just not compatible or maybe I need to calm down lol

Thanks for the YouTube video, I’ll check it out!
That one (in bold), you don't need to calm down and you are perfectly normal. Especially for the reasons you mentioned which I underlined.

Know your worth and expectations. If he loves you, he'll put in the yards.
 

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Who initiates these chats when you don't see each other? You or him? That will be a telling answer.

Have you talked to him about this? Many women expect men to be mind readers, but surprise, surprise - they're not.

I honestly don't think you two are that compatible, but if you want to give it one last shot, then talk to him. Tell him what you need and see what happens. Key is only do this once - if you tell him and nothing changes, then you have a decision to make.
 

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What is it you want to be going out and doing? You know... pandemic and all.

You are a person who is only available to get together with your boyfriend every other week. That's pretty limiting to someone who doesn't also have kids. Maybe his openness and willingness to be entangled with you (mentally, emotionally, motivationally) is hampered by the fact that you really aren't all that available. Who wants to fall head over heels for someone they can't see but every other week?
 

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Okay. So this is not someone you're dating. This is a man you're having sex with - and calling it dating. It's not the same thing.

And if getting used for sex isn't on your list, then that's something to change.
This is likely the answer, IMO.

You meet his sexual needs, and not much else.

He also could be just a dud, not having much powder, much charge in him.
Just another plastic dude, another bump on that log pile of men.

Note: as minimalMe said, 'most' men are first interested in sex.

That is natural and good as long as they offer and deliver, in return, those things that ladies (you) find important.
 

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Yeah maybe we're incompatible. I don't think this is about soothing my ego. I'm just trying to figure out what to do..
Hah!

This is always the correct answer.

While, no two people are totally compatible, finding a mate who is mostly compatible is the best option.
 

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Who wants to fall head over heels for someone they can't see but every other week?
What one wants and needs and what one feels are often separate from logic.

Love is often irrational, when looked at logically.
Love and good seem properly paired, but they can be harmful, and often are.

It is a bodily/mental chemical reaction to stimuli.
Sometimes, from some other influence, not one seen, but certainly felt.

Love seems more attached to hope and needs, more than what is a proper good for the individual.

Being alone make one vulnerable to false love.

......................................................................................

For most, having this cooling end point below:

----> Being happy and satisfied, with/while being alone, is often the result of that scarring elicited from those past and failed love(s).

The trust in the opposite sex is lost.


THRD-
 

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Should I make myself less available?

Any thoughts/tips/advice?
Sounds like you are NOT enthralled by this behavior.
so yeah, make yourself less available....even so much as to make a point of dating other men too.
Some men need to see other potential suitors out there, and start to compete for your affection. Think of it as whacking him upside his head with a 2x4.
See if he responds to that.
 

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This guy I've been dating for 3 months doesn't really take initiative when it comes to making date plans. He did at first but not anymore unless I suggest something. He's interested in me but it feels like he's gotten too comfortable. It's starting to get a little boring. It would feel nice to be pursued a little bit. Should I make myself less available?

Any thoughts/tips/advice?
Always better if you could openly talk about it. He's never going to get if you are planning to play games with him.
 

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OP, engineer and INTJ here. I have come to understand my social skills are much better than the typical engineer, but the mentality is mostly the same.

I find that a LOT of INTJs are engineer/technical types. That is an introvert! This is key to understand that where if you are an extrovert, you literally FEED off of socialization and being around people. We find this draining to some extent and feel relief when it is over. Do not read that to mean that we don't like socializing, we just don't feed off of it and crave it like extroverts.

I will tell you when I am not that into someone, I will not introduce them to friends. This could be a very big test for you/him to at least understand if there is interest. At least for me, that would be considered a HUGE step, and you can bet there would be real attachment to do that. I would throw this as a very simple test and just say "I would sure like to meet some of your friends"...... You will either get approval, or you will watch him squirm looking for an excuse. If there are excuses, I would say he is not into enough.

As well, if he is anything like me, always coming up with "something exciting to do" is exhausting and is usually not on the top of our brain like extroverts that seem to know all the hot spots and happenings. I look to a partner to provide ideas, and if that sounds like work to you, walk away, it won't get better. There are certain things I will seek out, but never to the level of extrovert women that seem to have a beat on everything.

He may also share my frugality, as many engineers are this way. Do you know the difference between a decent steak and a great steak?? About $50.....and that is a fact. If you desire or expect constant expensive throw aways such as this, don't date an engineer. If you find excitement in finding great values or experiences for the dollar, you will befriend an engineer!

Lastly, probably the biggest perk of engineers, and maybe why some women like me, is authenticity. There is rarely a fake personality on the front end like many players. I personally have shifted gears mentally to more of a player, but that is because I no longer seek an LTR/marriage/etc and I don't get to worried about who I attract. However, if I were to tell someone "you are the center of my world", you can bet that is not a lie as I would NEVER say that to keep someone around. So if you hear encouraging statements, he might just need some unraveling. If he is into you, he won't mind the unraveling.
 

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A lot of guys are lazy...they do the hard work to catch a woman and then coast. You need to be a little elusive and see how he responds. Don't see him as much as you usually do. Don't be so quick to text him back. He needs to think he doesn't have you 100%. My guess is he will start pursuing and being more assertive again.
 
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