Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
If the relationship is casual, then yes you are creating issues, because it will be short. If you actually are aiming for something more serious/long lasting then: BAYER BEWARE. You are getting a glimpse into how things would be if you stay for the long haul. Remember/be aware: this is him at his best ever.
We've had this discussion and no it's not casual.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,405 Posts
That's who he is. You simply can't make every guy you date into someone you want to keep seeing. That's what dating is for. It's not trying to change someone but finding someone compatible as is. He is a couch potato and you're not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
Discussion Starter #23 (Edited)
That's who he is. You simply can't make every guy you date into someone you want to keep seeing. That's what dating is for. It's not trying to change someone but finding someone compatible as is. He is a couch potato and you're not.
Yeah I don’t intend to change him. Just trying to understand if this is really just all there is and will be or am I more into him than he is into me..
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
Thing is he is more or less a couch potato and just did dates long enough to get you hooked, but if this is not the kind of guy you are looking for, this is the time to just stop going out with him. Because there's lots of guys like this. They'd opt for just staying home doing nothing or gaming or watching tv and pay attention to you when they decide they want sex bad enough. Dating is to find out what kind of person they are. He needs another homebody who can also entertain herself at home, I guess, and be content that way. I can't stand holing up with someone that way. I find the conversation stalls out and you hit the wall if you're both not continuing to do interesting things to have something new to talk about.

This is one of those "It is what it is" things. You've got to have your eyes open and realize the longer you know him, you are just seeing who he really is, and this is it. Snore.
This deserved repeating.

And it's also what MinimalMe meant by you need to have standards. You also need to have expectations, so it's good that you do. You want to be dated. You want your guy to want to spend time with you. You want to feel desired. etc.

So if the guy you're with doesn't possess the qualities and attributes that you want in a man, then you have to do decide he's not the guy for you. You don't continue with the relationship. You have to guard your heart and scrutinize his actions, how he treats you, how he treats other people, and so on. For example, if you want a nice guy, then you don't want to be with someone who isn't nice to others because that character trait will be turned on you at the appointed time of his manufacture. If you're feeling lonely while in a relationship with a guy who makes little effort to make you feel desired, then he isn't the guy for you.

This is entirely personal:
When I was dating, I had certain rules/standards, and one of them was that I wouldn't date engineers. I know that sounds weird, but I dated one and declared that I never would again. And then, about a month or so after I established that rule, I ran across an Ann Landers column of that exact subject. A portion of that column is in the second link below but what it's missing is a poem she published in the column called "The Engineer's Mentality," described how such men often are, and it fit my engineer ex to a perfect T. I wish I could find that but I can't.

The way I felt (and was confirmed in the poem) is that an engineer will tell you "The fastest route between two points is a straight line," which is true. But what is also true is that you can't apply that strict logic to life, people, and relationships because people have feelings and their own logical opinions, and there are different roads and detours in life. But he couldn't allow for any of that, which meant that my feelings, concerns, opinions, etc. didn't mean anything. In other words, he was mentally and emotionally abusive all under the guise of applying logical conclusion.

He kept my head spinning trying to figure out his logic and understand what on earth was going on, and I didn't know why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to be right about anything I said. I had to be wrong about every single thing, even when I repeated things that he, himself, had stated, I was wrong about that too. Then one day, I decided to test him to make sure my own assessment of him was accurate. So I asked him a very simple question: "If there was a mosquito on my face and you slapped the sh*t out of me to kill the mosquito, am I nonetheless slapped?" His answer was "No, because I would be killing the mosquito." I knew then to never allow him to confuse me again and made plans to get away from as immediately as possible.

I'm not saying it's so but you might not be missing anything if you decide to0 let this guy go.

So I Married An Engineer
Engineers Are Different
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,405 Posts
Yeah I don’t intend to change him. Just trying to understand if this is really just all there is and will be or am I more into him than he is into me..
He could be real into you, but this is still who he is. I mean, there's all types of people. Just because someone is into you doesn't mean they'll become a different person. They try to act like what they think you want in a man at first, but they can't just keep doing it if that's not who they are. It can take 2 or more years to see the whole person. Honestly, you're lucky if you're getting a glimpse early on before all that emotional and time investment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,782 Posts
My wrap up on this. Camping, cooking at home and interacting at home are ways that men open up emotionally to women they love. This is Boring to you. You want mystery, surprise and the comforts of someone bringing you food. Really I can see both of your points of view.
What he is offering is pretty authentic. What you are asking for is pretty authentic. But you are bored by his efforts, and he is rejecting your advances. This just isn't going anywhere. The good chemistry (sex) will dry up as you emotionally separate and intimacy dies.
It's going to end whether you end it or not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,929 Posts
Just trying to understand if this is really just all there is and will be or am I more into him than he is into me.
Sounds to me like he's being who he is. Basically, he enjoys hanging out and isn't particularly into planning things. Yeah, I'd say you are more into him. Perhaps this is just a matter of incompatibility. At three months, given the concerns you are voicing, I'd say it's time to step back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
Discussion Starter #28
Should I really move on or try to be more open minded? I really like him otherwise :/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,782 Posts
That's a fair question.
Here is the answer.
girls/women who crave mystery and excitement generally pick one bad boy after another, until they have had enough. Reading one of your other recent threads I would think you have had about enough by now. But you are Bored!
So . . . there is one person in this world that you can change. That is you. If you want to open up and accept the changes that accepting him will mean, you are the only person that can do that. Sure relationships are about compromise, engineers and architects are a special case but even they can bend if they want to. there is no guarantee that they will. It's something to talk about. He didn't pout when you took him out for dinner, it's a positive sign.
Don't get engaged this week but if you want to try for another month, it's not going to hurt anyone. And if you still feel that attracted after one month you can try another. But always keep it in the back of your mind 1) "you are the only person you can change" 2) you have some good reasons to make that change. 3) you are doing this for you, not to please him. Even though he will be happy.

Everything else I have posted on this thread, especially about incompatibility, is still true.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
Discussion Starter #30
That's a fair question.
Here is the answer.
girls/women who crave mystery and excitement generally pick one bad boy after another, until they have had enough. Reading one of your other recent threads I would think you have had about enough by now. But you are Bored!
So . . . there is one person in this world that you can change. That is you. If you want to open up and accept the changes that accepting him will mean, you are the only person that can do that. Sure relationships are about compromise, engineers and architects are a special case but even they can bend if they want to. there is no guarantee that they will. It's something to talk about. He didn't pout when you took him out for dinner, it's a positive sign.
Don't get engaged this week but if you want to try for another month, it's not going to hurt anyone. And if you still feel that attracted after one month you can try another. But always keep it in the back of your mind 1) "you are the only person you can change" 2) you have some good reasons to make that change. 3) you are doing this for you, not to please him. Even though he will be happy.

Everything else I have posted on this thread, especially about incompatibility, is still true.
Thanks for your honest comments. I don’t want a bad boy or crazy excitement, he’s a really good guy and I like him a lot I just wish he’d take me out at least once or twice. I sometimes go out with my friends so it’s not the restaurants or bars I crave but the fun of going out with a boyfriend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,766 Posts
Thanks for your honest comments. I don’t want a bad boy or crazy excitement, he’s a really good guy and I like him a lot I just wish he’d take me out at least once or twice. I sometimes go out with my friends so it’s not the restaurants or bars I crave but the fun of going out with a boyfriend.
But what are you looking for, longer-term? Are you willing to spend time just having some fun and spinning wheels, or do you want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with? How does he feel about you having a kid? Are you financially secure enough on your own, or do you need the security provided by having another paycheck in the family?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
Discussion Starter #33
But what are you looking for, longer-term? Are you willing to spend time just having some fun and spinning wheels, or do you want to find someone to spend the rest of your life with? How does he feel about you having a kid? Are you financially secure enough on your own, or do you need the security provided by having another paycheck in the family?
No I’m not looking for temporary fun.
I’m financially secure and don’t need a husband but if the right man comes along I’m open to it.. hence this relationship.
I kind of went in with an open heart despite having had bad experiences in previous relationships. I figured if I get hurt I’ll move on like I did before.

He told me dating someone with a kid wasn’t exactly in his original plans, but he’s ok with this. I don’t know if he’ll change his mind once/if they meet but I’m guessing if he didn’t like me he wouldn’t still be dating me. He is very selective with his time.
He wants to have kids of his own some day so we’ll see how it goes.

FYI we’re both in our mid 30s.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,766 Posts
No I’m not looking for temporary fun.
I’m financially secure and don’t need a husband but if the right man comes along I’m open to it.. hence this relationship.
I kind of went in with an open heart despite having had bad experiences in previous relationships. I figured if I get hurt I’ll move on like I did before.

He told me dating someone with a kid wasn’t exactly in his original plans, but he’s ok with this. I don’t know if he’ll change his mind once/if they meet but I’m guessing if he didn’t like me he wouldn’t still be dating me. He is very selective with his time.
He wants to have kids of his own some day so we’ll see how it goes.

FYI we’re both in our mid 30s.
What sort of things happened in the prior relationships? Is there something really different about this guy? Is there a chance he represents an escape from what's gone on in the past, but he doesn't understand he's an escape?

And thanks for answering the unasked question. I was wondering about that.

I'm a bit overly sensitive about a potential partner hiding things from a potential partner, due to my own situation. The vetting process needs to have clear notions of both privacy and boundaries. Since you are looking for something long term, why not have those conversations sooner than later? What's the worst that can happen?

Just be aware that, if either of you insists on privacy for parts of your past, that's your or his right to do so, but it can be a deal breaker. And if it is, better to know sooner right? Also be on the lookout for the person who claims to be open but really isn't. If you're vulnerable & open and your potential partner isn't, bad things can come from that. But you've already been through the cycle so you may know better than me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
716 Posts
I was complaining about the women who came to the Men's Clubhouse to tell us we're all just slobs who think with our ****s.
You are correct, but there is one thing that exist in this world that in today's over sensitive environment is kind of a "bad word": Generalization. Generalizations exist because they are based in trues that people throughout time observed.

There are a lot of men that are nothing but slobs who think with their ****s; just as there are a lot of women that use their sex ONLY to get what they want (from stupid men)= undeniable trues. So if you go the the women forum and make a generalization like this, they will get all bend out shape and come out with their pitchforks because how dare you to generalize about women:YOU PIG.

For the OP: if what you want is long term, then you two are not really compatible: 3 MONTHS and you are already bored with the way he romantically treats you = INCOMPATIBILITY. This will be his behavior for the rest of his life or worse as he gets really comfy with you over time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,665 Posts
You are correct, but there is one thing that exist in this world that in today's over sensitive environment is kind of a "bad word": Generalization. Generalizations exist because they are based in trues that people throughout time observed.
.... which is a generalization, and not a fact. Some generalizations are propaganda waged by evil people for evil ends.

A friend once pointed out if you start a chat room for religion X, in theory adherents of that religion will come there to discuss X in a constructive way. In practice, you'll mostly get people who see an opportunity to throw virtual rocks at X believers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
423 Posts
This guy I've been dating for 3 months doesn't really take initiative when it comes to making date plans. He did at first but not anymore unless I suggest something. He's interested in me but it feels like he's gotten too comfortable. It's starting to get a little boring. It would feel nice to be pursued a little bit. Should I make myself less available?

Any thoughts/tips/advice?
Absolutely make yourself less available! There's also a good book I could recommend to you that helped me. If you'd like to know more, send me a message and I'll send over the info. I'd rather not post the book publicly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,811 Posts
Hmm that puts a lot into perspective. He does have consistent, convenient access to sex so maybe he doesn't feel like he needs to make an effort.
I remember in college experiencing two kinds of relationships with females:
  • A) Females that are good friends but there is no interest in me to be more than friends
  • B) Females that are very sexually attractive but a friendship seems problematic
With A) you know it is just not going to happen because there is no attraction. But with B) I was never sure how I felt about that person in terms of being friends until after sex. More often than not after sex there was this feeling that a friendship just wasn't that compatible as we had little or nothing in common. This really bothered me because when I was craving sex there felt like there was a real friendship, but at the end of the day it was all driven by sexual desire.

One of the girls that fit into category B) complained that being around me after sex felt like she was hanging out with her brother or something (in that there was no more chemistry after sex).

Ideally you want someone that you have a great friendship AND sexual attraction. When this happens you enjoy being around each other the same regardless if it is before or after sex.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
Ahh, the "I'm not being entertained" complaint. I read constantly that women "want to be surprised", "want adventure", want someone "open to experiencing new things" etc. etc. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who want that too, but mostly they are younger (read: less mature) men. That's not saying all men who want adventure are immature. It just seems to me that (often) men and women grow at different rates. Women on dating sites in their 40's "want adventure" and to "experience new things". Personally, I am never, ever bored, even if I don't leave the house. There are simply too many things I can entertain myself with, be engaged with, be challenged by - I don't need to go hiking or try the newest, hippest restaurant or go parasailing to be engaged or challenged.

For me, staying in and cooking together, talking, watching a series together, listening to music together...with someone who is an interesting person, this is plenty for me to be happy. For you, that's boring af. He's showing you who he is - he's a homebody who digs hanging out with you. That's not going to change. Even if you gave him some ultimatum, that he needs to be somehow more exciting and mysterious and adventurous for you - he'll be faking it, because that's not who he is, and that's not something he can sustain.

I didn't read if you posted your ages - but I think this is a common problem with people not in their 20's/early 30's. Guys in their 40's and up who are all mystery and excitement and adventure when they first start dating you are, probably for the most part, putting on a show. The problem for you is, the kind of guys (generally) that are all mystery and excitement and adventure are either quite a bit younger, immature, irresponsible, "bad boys" (read: d-bags) or players. Obviously this isn't a hard rule - there are obviously exceptions.

If you want the mystery and excitement etc., that will probably come with the cost of instability, immaturity and other headaches. It's not his job to keep you entertained, but it sounds like that's what you want. You'll need to decide how much you dig this guy, and what's more important - just enjoying being with him, or being entertained. Just don't expect him to change - he won't.
 
21 - 40 of 62 Posts
Top