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I feel isolated and alone in my relationship with my husband. Other than having our 2 year old daughter together, and both of us requiring food to live, we have no common interests, and I don’t feel like he cares to put an ounce of effort into our life at home, much less nurture our relationship. I usually keep my feelings of being isolated to myself. A few times I have kept things bottled up for so long that I finally do express my feelings, my husband just blows me off and tells me I’m selfish. I am sad, and alone, and don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life with someone who doesn’t love me. When I talk to my husband, regardless of the time of day, he hardly responds or says that he’s busy, and continues on with what he’s doing. We don’t interact for any other than the following reasons: morning routine, dinner, our baby, and sex, and he likes it that way. If the morning routine is over, we’ve eaten, and the baby is in bed, and he’s communicating with me, it’s for sex and nothing else. When I’m on my period, he does not interact with me. I see this pattern and it is not a turn on at all, and I honestly don’t want anything to do with him because he doesn’t put an bit of effort toward me. This has been an ongoing pattern for at least 6 months. As soon as the baby goes to bed, he watches tv or uses his computer until he falls asleep on the couch, and comes to bed after he wakes up a few hours later. The next day we wake up and do it all over again. He is perfectly content being in this rut, and in his own little world. The only time he leaves the house is to see his lame, early to mid 30 year old pothead friends who are all single with no children and have been as long as I’ve known them (which has been about the past 10 years or so). My husband also has disgusting hygiene habits, as he showers **maybe** once per week and rarely brushes. He smokes and smells horrible, I’ve told him he needs to take better care of himself, but he doesn’t listen to me.

I have worked very hard since I became an adult at 18. I put myself through college, I have pulled my weight financially (and more) in our relationship. I have a master’s degree and just recently scored my dream job. I am a very energetic and fun loving person and my coworkers are similar, and recently I have began to crave adventures when I am not at work. I also feel like I’m missing out on having a real partner who understands me. I am also an artist and musician. My husband doesn't knock me for these things, but he also isn't interested in my interests. I'm in my late 20's and feel there is so much I would like to experience and lately I would like to be getting more out of my life. I try to plan things for our family to do, but the husband usually drags his feet and we are usually late or the plans go awry. When our family does get out of the house to do things together, its because I have initiated it. When I’m at work, he will not take the baby anywhere unless it’s to one of his friend’s houses (which really bothers me).

When it comes to who handles things domestically, my husband will not handle finances. I don’t mean come up with the money to pay the bills, by that I mean make sure the bills are paid on time. I don’t think the bills are very important to him at all, because in his mind someone else will handle that. Same goes for grocery shopping, and cleaning, and taking care of the yard or house maintenance. He has not been to a grocery store more than maybe 5 times since our daughter was born in 2010. When we do cook, we share the responsibility about equally. I always am the one to pick up carry out food for the family when we don’t get dinner together at home. I work a lot, so on my day(s) off, I have to spend most of the day cleaning our house that gets messy over the course of the week and doing laundry. I feel very burned out with having to work 40-55 hours a week, AND having all of our domestic responsibilities on my shoulders. I sometimes prolong my work day on purpose just to keep from having to come home. My friendships with coworkers are sadly more fulfilling than my relationship with my husband. When I first began feeling alone I thought that this is just a phase we’re going through and we will get past it, then later I began to feel like there is no way I’m giving up on my marriage. Now I feel that my husband is completely content with the way things are and there is not a chance of him changing. I have even told him that I want to see a marriage counselor, and he refused, saying that I’m creating problems that don’t exist. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Right now our daughter is on a week long trip with his parents, and I felt like this would be quality time that we could spend with each other, but he has not made even a little bit of an effort to connect with me. I even begged him this evening (Friday) to turn off the TV and spend time with me after he watched 3 shows on the history channel (the first show was an hour long, and the second two were 30 minutes= 2 hrs of tv). He just kept watching and totally ignored my request. I’m begging and it sucks to feel this sad. Any help will be appreciated.
 

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From what you said it sounds like your husband does not work or contribute financially. Is that right?

If you tell your husand that you think there are enough problems that you want to see an MC, then here are problems. He's focused only on himself.

You might want to see an attorney to find out your rights. A divorce might be yoru best option here. It's hard to turn around a person who is a moocher. They tend to feel entitled and are very self centered.
 

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I'm sorry, you have my sympathy. I have a husband who is very similar. I told him that my feelings for him were beginning to falter years ago, and I was worried about that, and I wanted MC to make sure we didn't go off track. And he said no, we didn't, and that was that.
Now, years and zero positive progress later, I was actually beginning to worry that he had dementia, and I talked him into seeing a neurologist. He's undergone cognitive testing, and that's revealed a bunch of serious learning disabilities, including auditory processing disorder, short-term memory disorders, visual processing disorders, and some kind of general processing disorder. Next month we see the doctor who did the testing for advice on how to compensate for these LDs, plus we'll start seeing a marriage counselor that she's recommended.

Your husband reminds me of mine. There's something wrong with a man who can hear his wife say "I'm starting to fall out of love with you and I don't want to," and not act on it. If you can get your husband tested, maybe you'll uncover some of the same issues?

I'll let you know if the therapies and MC actually succeed in getting through. Good luck to you.
 

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I'm confused about a couple of things:

The only time he leaves the house is to see his lame, early to mid 30 year old pothead friends
When I’m at work, he will not take the baby anywhere unless it’s to one of his friend’s houses (which really bothers me).
1) Does your husband currently work? Has he EVER worked?


The only time he leaves the house is to see his lame, early to mid 30 year old pothead friends
My husband also has disgusting hygiene habits, as he showers **maybe** once per week and rarely brushes. He smokes and smells horrible
2) Is your husband depressed. Is he still a pothead, still getting stoned regularly with his old buddies?

I am sad, and alone, and don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life with someone who doesn’t love me.
If the morning routine is over, we’ve eaten, and the baby is in bed, and he’s communicating with me, it’s for sex and nothing else. When I’m on my period, he does not interact with me.
3) If your husband is not depressed from a job lay-off and he's not a pothead, then he's JUST selfish and lazy. These are VERY ingrained habits he COULD change, but chances are he won't WANT to change them. He seems perfectly content with his life the way it is (if only you'd STFU and quit bugging him!)

He is NEVER going to love you as much as he loves himself. He requires LITTLE of himself except that he be content and entertained at all times. He is NEVER going to be a good father to your daughter. She should be going to the park to run around and exercise and meet other children. She should be going to the library to read books and listen to story-hour. She should be going to the grocery store and the dry cleaners and the shoe repair and the bank and the bakery and EVERYWHERE ELSE and learning, seeing, doing, talking, pointing, asking questions, meeting people. WTH is she going to learn by sitting in the house! There's enough of that in bad weather, she should be out and about in GOOD weather.

Your husband is not interested enough or mature enough to WANT to be in an adult relationship with you. He is NOT building a strong marriage. He is NOT building a strong family. You are doing all the heavy lifting (education, financial responsibility, daily responsibility, social responsibility) in this 'relationship' and getting NOTHING in return. It is a BAD INVESTMENT of your time, talent, energy and love.

You only get ONE SHOT at life. Is THIS it? Is THIS what you want? Doesn't sound like it. You can't MAKE him change, hell, you can't even make him WANT to change. Is THIS what you busted your azz for to get through college & grad school? To drag his sorry lazy behind through life while he holds you and your daughter back from a fun, loving, fulfilling family life?

And speaking of your daughter, she only gets ONE CHILDHOOD. Have you looked at the one YOU are choosing FOR HER? A father who ignores her and her needs JUST LIKE HE IGNORES YOU and YOUR NEEDS. Maybe you're willing to 'suck it up', but should SHE have to? Because she's TOO YOUNG TO LEAVE, she HAS TO LIVE with the choices YOU'RE making for HER.

Do the right thing by both of you! See an attorney, file for divorce, and move on. A guy who only uses you for your paycheck and sex is a loser. IF (and that's a might big "IF") your H ever 'mans up' after you dump him, he might POSSIBLY be a fit father for your daughter. Then again, he might just be content to sit in his (pot-induced?) funk! Find a man who WILL be a daddy to your daughter (not just a sperm donor) and a husband to you.
 

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Be careful with him and your daughter, too. I thought my husband was at least attentive enough to them that he could keep them safe, but no. One day I found that he'd left our 2 girls (3 and 5 at the time) alone in a wade-in wave pool. The 5 year old had a life jacket, the 3 year old didn't. The reason? He saw some basketball hoops and wanted to play. I don't know how long they were alone in the pool, out of sight and earshot, before I found them.
 

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been there, most likely he wont change and "man up", I tried everything, nothing worked. you are probably better off on your own than with him since he is just dragging you down. i know im overall much happier since my divorce and have even found a great guy who is my EQUAL.
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KathyBatesel, how many of the 5 do you need to keep a marriage going in your opinion? I suppose the less compatibility you have, the harder you have to work, but is there a point where you can pretty safely assume that you're only going to make everyone miserable if you keep trying to make it work?
 

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Well, it's tough to give a pat answer because we can be "a little" or "a lot" incompatible in an area. My personal opinion (which isn't based on science at all) is that even one area of incompatibility can strain a marriage if it's a significant incompatibility, such as a partner whose primary love language is "touch" that's married to someone who dislikes physical contact or a spender/saver relationship.

The things to consider are:

1. How important the pillar is to the individuals.
2. How far apart their positions are.
3. Whether another, more compatible area can make up for the difference.

I think that if there are two areas of moderate incompatibility, the marriage is likely to struggle and could eventually end. Three and it's pretty much toast. As I said, it's not scientifically measured or anything, just my own interpretations.

On the other hand, after I became familiar with these pillars, I evaluated them with the people I dated and married the one with no major signs of incompatibility. It has proven to be the most wonderful relationship I could imagine as the 3-year mark approaches.
 

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You have pretty much said it all... You're not compatible with your husband emotionally, financially, or intellectually, and maybe not for sexually either. That's four of the five areas of compatibility that are required to sustain a relationship.
Do you have a link to a good website or name of a good book that discusses these?
 

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I think he works right? Is he a pothead with his friends? How often does he smoke? He sounds like a bit of a slacker at home & deoesn't really love you anymore. He may think he does but doesn't show it. He seems pretty content with the way things are & I don't think he will change.

You can't change him. I would suggest that you go alone to marriage counseling (I did) first before doing anything drastic like leaving or divorcing him.
 
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