Many of you have been reading my BH's thread, Three Strikes. You know my web of lies has completely fallen apart over the last 5 days. It has been overwhelmingly shaming and painful for both of us. I deleted my original thread without reading any of the additional comments since the last exposure. It was cowardly, and I truly believe people here are trying to help us. So I've come back after some sleep, to try to restart. Here's the gory details.
January/February 2012 – EA began
May 20 – PA begins w/kiss
May 29 – PA escalates with oral sex in office
May 31 – Left for NYC, online communications continue
3rd week of June – Sexting begins
1st /2nd week of July – Webcam shows
July 17th – return from NYC, visit OM’s house, oral sex, D-Day #1, NC message sent, lies about no oral sex and date of PA commencement
3rd or 4th week of August – OM breaks NC, shows up at office
Last week of August – Bad feeling regarding OM’s “okay”
1st or 2nd week of September – Saw OM on street walking, shortly after Skyping resumes, primarily messaging during the day with some short video chats
2nd or 3rd week of September – drive-throughs, book exchange begins
End of Sept./beginning of October – PA resumes, first penetrative sex at OM’s home, Skyping/book exchange continues – false goodbye
2nd week of October – encounter in sound booth, Skyping/book exchange continues
3rd /4th weeks of October – 2 more sexual encounters at OM’s home, Skyping/book exchange continues
November 2/3 – Spring Awakening, sex at Jillian’s, “romantic” goodbye/agreement to stay friends
November 10 – Skype messaging
November 11 or 12 – visit OM’s home before he moves to say geographic goodbye
November 12 or 13 – Skyping messaging to see if he’s moved/settled
November 14 – crying call to husband, recommitment to R (no confession of past events),
November 14? 16? - began removing ephemera of OM from office, deleting Skype from phone/ipad
November 17 – D-Day #2, continued lying until cornered regarding sex at Jillian’s, lied about additional sex, told about drive-throughs/book exchanges, omitted Skyping/office visit
November 18 – Final Skype message to OM, letting him know BH knows, OM is already aware, told him we are done messaging.
November 20 – BH asks me to leave house for few days
November 21 – D-Day #3, BH calls while I am staying with friends, asks about Skyping. Lie before I even think… backtrack and spill about skyping, additional sex – short convo, no real details given, conference call with parents
November 22 – Return home, sit down with BH and confess affair from beginning to end, providing details and answering questions after completion, in-house separation begins
We are proceeding toward divorce. BH loves me, but I am not good for him at this time. Massive changes in my communication, selfishness, fear, and focus need to happen before I can be a good parent, let alone a good wife (or even a not completely-awful-wife).
He is exceptionally generous to allow me to stay in the house with our son, and we are going to have a lot of work in front of us as we D. With my first post here on Sunday, I wanted ideas for how to show him I was changing. Honestly, I don't know what my hopes are now, with this post. I just need to be accountable to someone, and you all are remarkably skilled at calling me on my bullshyte.
My son needs a mother, not whatever it is I have become. My BH needs a supportive co-parent and collaborative D partner. My heart wants to hope that this is not the end for us, but there is not even the tiniest reason I can give him to even consider that possibility.
I have been a lying cake-eater. My relationship with OM is done, so I am ready to re-commit to BH. It's unforgivable, and he deserves far more than I have given him.
Someone posted in my deleted thread about redemption. I didn't see the post, but really need change to be possible. I love my son. And despite my actions, I actually do love my BH. It's certainly too little, too late there, but for my son's future, I need help.