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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Many of you have been reading my BH's thread, Three Strikes. You know my web of lies has completely fallen apart over the last 5 days. It has been overwhelmingly shaming and painful for both of us. I deleted my original thread without reading any of the additional comments since the last exposure. It was cowardly, and I truly believe people here are trying to help us. So I've come back after some sleep, to try to restart. Here's the gory details.
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Affair Timeline

January/February 2012 – EA began
May 20 – PA begins w/kiss
May 29 – PA escalates with oral sex in office
May 31 – Left for NYC, online communications continue
3rd week of June – Sexting begins
1st /2nd week of July – Webcam shows
July 17th – return from NYC, visit OM’s house, oral sex, D-Day #1, NC message sent, lies about no oral sex and date of PA commencement
3rd or 4th week of August – OM breaks NC, shows up at office
Last week of August – Bad feeling regarding OM’s “okay”
1st or 2nd week of September – Saw OM on street walking, shortly after Skyping resumes, primarily messaging during the day with some short video chats
2nd or 3rd week of September – drive-throughs, book exchange begins
End of Sept./beginning of October – PA resumes, first penetrative sex at OM’s home, Skyping/book exchange continues – false goodbye
2nd week of October – encounter in sound booth, Skyping/book exchange continues
3rd /4th weeks of October – 2 more sexual encounters at OM’s home, Skyping/book exchange continues
November 2/3 – Spring Awakening, sex at Jillian’s, “romantic” goodbye/agreement to stay friends
November 10 – Skype messaging
November 11 or 12 – visit OM’s home before he moves to say geographic goodbye
November 12 or 13 – Skyping messaging to see if he’s moved/settled
November 14 – crying call to husband, recommitment to R (no confession of past events),
November 14? 16? - began removing ephemera of OM from office, deleting Skype from phone/ipad
November 17 – D-Day #2, continued lying until cornered regarding sex at Jillian’s, lied about additional sex, told about drive-throughs/book exchanges, omitted Skyping/office visit
November 18 – Final Skype message to OM, letting him know BH knows, OM is already aware, told him we are done messaging.
November 20 – BH asks me to leave house for few days
November 21 – D-Day #3, BH calls while I am staying with friends, asks about Skyping. Lie before I even think… backtrack and spill about skyping, additional sex – short convo, no real details given, conference call with parents
November 22 – Return home, sit down with BH and confess affair from beginning to end, providing details and answering questions after completion, in-house separation begins

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We are proceeding toward divorce. BH loves me, but I am not good for him at this time. Massive changes in my communication, selfishness, fear, and focus need to happen before I can be a good parent, let alone a good wife (or even a not completely-awful-wife).

He is exceptionally generous to allow me to stay in the house with our son, and we are going to have a lot of work in front of us as we D. With my first post here on Sunday, I wanted ideas for how to show him I was changing. Honestly, I don't know what my hopes are now, with this post. I just need to be accountable to someone, and you all are remarkably skilled at calling me on my bullshyte.

My son needs a mother, not whatever it is I have become. My BH needs a supportive co-parent and collaborative D partner. My heart wants to hope that this is not the end for us, but there is not even the tiniest reason I can give him to even consider that possibility.

I have been a lying cake-eater. My relationship with OM is done, so I am ready to re-commit to BH. It's unforgivable, and he deserves far more than I have given him.

Someone posted in my deleted thread about redemption. I didn't see the post, but really need change to be possible. I love my son. And despite my actions, I actually do love my BH. It's certainly too little, too late there, but for my son's future, I need help.
 

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Hi
And welcome back. I say that because it takes some balls to come back. Not many would do it..

Some question"s

You wrote

My relationship with OM is done, so I am ready to re-commit to BH

How so? And why now? What changed? If i understud it correctley
You have pretty much been "gone" since 2009
 

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Yes, the drama queen act grows thin very rapidly. My wife tried that too - "You deserve somebody better.... you've always been a great Dad and a great husband".... The implication being, her affair and her cheating were really for your own good.

Eventually, you hear this and you think to yourself "Yes.... Yes I have been. Now get the fck outta here".
 

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It was stated that your young lover of 21 years old wanted to get back with his girlfriend. It should had been obvious to him that he had no future with you. He was moving on with his life.

Did he dumped you?
 

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My concern about you is that you have already shown that despite being 'defined by your career' you are unprofessional and lack boundaries so....are you giving up your career?

Because if you don't then how can he ever trust you? How will you be able to assure him that this won't happen again with the next young, fresh guy that sparks your intellect and floats your boat?
 

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I'll write this last post just as my final addition to your discussion here.

I think this is all performance art. Sadly, I think your married life has been performance art. Children with parents like you have very rough childhoods & are often emotionally crippled for life. I hope that your H has the primary influence in your child's life.

Your celebration of your own drama has ruined several lives so far. Your 'affair' with someone who could biologically be your son is sad, but you couldn't see that - too wrapped up in your own self-congratulatory romantic vision.

You need help, Mrs. M. You need to step back from your poor H before you do any more damage.
 

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Find someone very good at IC and get started.

FYI: your response to the polygraph comment was a dead give away. You said you had no idea how you might go about getting one.

Turns out that people who have fully disclosed what happened actually want to be believed and therefore want to take the polygraph.

You want to help Matt, get a dna test for the baby and give it to him.

You are in the house, make an effort to be helpful.
 

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My concern about you is that you have already shown that despite being 'defined by your career' you are unprofessional and lack boundaries so....are you giving up your career?

Because if you don't then how can he ever trust you? How will you be able to assure him that this won't happen again with the next young, fresh guy that sparks your intellect and floats your boat?
They are divorcing. She'll need her job/career.

I dont think it's the career that's causing her to cheat. Her problem is that she did not value her marriage at all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't mean to be a drama queen. I don't know how else to express myself. Our life is totally shyte. I know the general consensus is that I must have had multiple affairs, that our son is not BH's...

I will say the same thing I said in my previous thread before I deleted it... Change has to start SOMEWHERE. I was not always this person. BH and I were truly happy and loved each other. I don't think that has gone away, but I have completely degraded that.

Am I desperate? Yes. Am I panicked? Yes. Not because of the life change I am facing, but because I never meant to lose sight of my love for BH.

IDK if every WS wants the opportunity to change... wishes for a time machine, whatever. But I do. Not for me, not for Matt at this point, although I certainly hope he will see the true me over the next few months and not the monster I have been the last 6 months. But for my son.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
How do you get a polygraph? We live in the rural midwest in a community of 4,000. I don't think it's wrong of me to not know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
They are divorcing. She'll need her job/career.

I dont think it's the career that's causing her to cheat. Her problem is that she did not value her marriage at all.
You're absolutely right. I did not value my marriage. I am staying at my current job through the contract year. I will be moving wherever Matt and my son move to maintain frequent contact. Whatever job I end up with will have to do. I will NOT disappear from my son's life because I ruined the relationship with his father.
 

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Well, you may remember many posts in your other thread calling you "selfish" and "narcissistic".

However, I would urge you to accept those terms not as bashes/insults, but rather as diagnoses.
I, and other posters, suspect you may have some deep-rooted personality disorders. Unless you deal with them, you will continue to have problems with all future relationships.

I suggest you Google the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder and do a little research; see if this applies to you.

Posted via Mobile Device
 

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lol @ the idea that you didnt hook up on your little book drop offs...

You have admitted to what he has been able to show you that he KNOWS already...

Now how about you practice some REAL CHANGE and just be honest and forthcoming with the REST of what happened... Or keep being the same person you have always been and keep lying about everything...

Ya, being COMPLETELY honest is scary and hard and it WILL HURT Matt, but it will also put him in a position to start healing... The TINIEST new detail here or there LITERALLY resets him ALL THE WAY BACK TO ZERO! The cut is just as deep every single time he finds out something new... so, at this point and if you care about him, you can choose to give him just one more cut... Or if you still ONLY care about how it makes you look and feel, you can just keep burying your knife in him... Do you care about him? Dont you WANT him to be able to start healing?

What will you choose to do this time?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
lol @ the idea that you didnt hook up on your little book drop offs...

You have admitted to what he has been able to show you that he KNOWS already...

Now how about you practice some REAL CHANGE and just be honest and forthcoming with the REST of what happened... Or keep being the same person you have always been and keep lying about everything...

Ya, being COMPLETELY honest is scary and hard and it WILL HURT Matt, but it will also put him in a position to start healing... The TINIEST new detail here or there LITERALLY resets him ALL THE WAY BACK TO ZERO! The cut is just as deep every single time he finds out something new... so, at this point and if you care about him, you can choose to give him just one more cut... Or if you still ONLY care about how it makes you look and feel, you can just keep burying your knife in him... Do you care about him? Dont you WANT him to be able to start healing?

What will you choose to do this time?
I want him to heal more than anything. I talked for hours last night, taking him through the affair timeline. I know details are important. We discussed positions, places, times, thoughts, feelings... I'm totally empty.
 

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I want him to heal more than anything. I talked for hours last night, taking him through the affair timeline. I know details are important. We discussed positions, places, times, thoughts, feelings... I'm totally empty.
But you still need to tell him about all of the stuff he couldn't possibly prove he already knows or was told about... You need to prove you can be completely honest. Tell him about the REST of the sex with the OM... Not just the stuff you know he already knows.

dropping off/picking up books one or two times a week, but never having sex, simply does NOT pass the bull**** test. They were booty drops.
 

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Mrs. Mathias. I know why you lied and the desperation you felt to keep your family together.

But What I got from your posts was that you were very clinical about both your husband and your son and completely uncaring. You may have cried your self into a stupor, but who were you crying for? I think mainly you cried for the consequences you saw coming for yourself. And you explained this as tears for your husband because it sounds better that way.

What you felt for the OM was love. Being concerned for his future, dropping off books for him, thinking about him through the day. Giving him oral sex.

What did you feel for your husband? Thank god he is a good father so you can play messiah to these community college drop outs? Thank god this guy will be there for me in between being used by other men? Thank god this guy pays rent and takes care of the house?

You may say that you love him and made mistakes, but be honest with yourself. You haven't loved your husband for quite sometime now. And the strong desire to patch things up and keep your man has more to do with what your husband can do for you than it has for love.

You may disagree as vehemently as you wish. But consider how effortlessly you reached out to the OM and were there for him, supported him, and nurtured him. Now think about how painful each DDay was to your husband, how willing you were to knowingly cause him pain, and how you only seemed to find your love for him when you needed something from him.

The best thing for the both of you is to let him go. Quit trying to explain how pure your love was, and how you were just confused. You would just be torturing him yet again for selfish reasons.
 
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