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What should I do?

  • End the marriage now. The damage is done.

    Votes: 95 85.6%
  • Give it another month or two, just to think things over some more.

    Votes: 13 11.7%
  • Go through marriage counseling and try and piece it back together.

    Votes: 2 1.8%
  • I honestly haven't heard something that messed up before. You're on your own.

    Votes: 1 0.9%
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Looking for some much needed guidance and advice…

My wife and I have been married for almost 2.5 years now. We started out as friends in college and after about a year began dating. We dated for about 4 years before we got married. About a year before we graduated college we began to really talk about how serious we were. My wife had been in some serious relationships in the past, but this was really my first truly serious one. She was worried that I didn’t know exactly what I wanted and thought it would be a good idea for us to take some time for me to kind a date around before we got even more serious (wedding talks). I reluctantly agreed, understanding there was some usefulness in doing this. We took a break for about 1.5 months, which consisted of me giving a pretty half-assed attempt at flirting with a girl I knew at the time. My wife and I still spoke regularly and I just couldn’t bear the thought of dating anyone else-I was just too in love with her. So, we ended up getting back together and were happy as can be.

A couple of months pass by and we get to talking about stuff and somehow the fact comes out that during our break apart from each other, which was supposedly in place for me to see if anyone else was out there or if I knew she was the one for me, it comes to light that she kissed somebody else. Now, it doesn’t just stop there. What basically happened is that during our break, she decided to take a trip to visit her friend that lived near a school that we had both transferred from about a year earlier. She had a professor that she was particularly fond of and decided to visit him in his office while she was in town. According to her words (which I believe), he came on to her and kissed her right there in his office. After she told me this I was pretty pissed off- I mean, it just sounded kind of messed up. I guess they had started talking with each other on the phone after that incident in his office. A couple of weeks later she told me that she was going down to the same town where her friend lived to house sit for someone. I guess she began to feel guilty because right before she left she confessed that she actually had lied and was planning on going down to meet up with him for the week (draw your own conclusions). Now, I got really mad and wanted to know what the F*** she was thinking. She sobbed profusely and was genuinely upset and remorseful, saying that she decided not to do it and that she was so sorry she had lied about it. I told her I wanted all of the details on the table and she answered all of the questions. Nothing happened between them besides that kiss and phone conversations.

So, after going through this melodrama, I decided to just push past it. I was really glad she decided to tell me and not actually go through with anything. If she had, that would have been devastating to me.

Fast forward a bit and we have been married for 2.5 years. We have a really fantastic relationship. Now, I know everyone says that but we really did. We knew each other better than anyone else on this earth. We traveled abroad together, read together, cuddled, spent plenty of time with each others families. We had some intimacy issues in our marriage due to things that I had been through in the past but she was so great about understanding it. We had both had some pretty heavy stuff happen to us before but that’s one of the things that made our relationship so great – complete disclosure and support from one another. She was someone who had been depressed since I had known her but I knew that I made her happy and she knew she made me happy. After a couple of years of marriage, she still had the same complaints about feeling down some times and that she hated her job, etc. I was there for her every time to lift her up and do whatever was humanly possible to put a smile on her face and tell her it would be ok.

Things were really falling into place for us. I got promoted and we moved out of state. Both of us love kids and really dreamed of having a big family. We decided to start to try for a baby. After a couple of months, we were ecstatic to find out she was pregnant. We were going to be parents!! It was all so blissful.

Reaching the end of the first trimester, we decided to go in and have our first check-up and hear the baby’s heartbeat. I made sure to take my camera with me even though I looked like a goof-she wasn’t even showing yet. I didn’t care because I was going to be a Dad. We went in to see the nurse and she had trouble getting a heartbeat on the baby with the instrument she was using. She decided to send us over to get a sonogram. We switched rooms and my wife laid back on the table, prepared to get the first look at our baby. We then got some devastating news. There was no blood flowing to the baby and we had actually lost it some weeks before. Devastated. That is the only word I can describe how we felt.

My wife and decided, with the suggestion of the nurse, that it would be best to do an evacuation of the fetus at the hospital. Needless to say, this was a very tough time. My wife was getting the procedure and I was the one calling around to tell our family and friends the sad news. This one just wasn’t meant to be – that was what we kept telling ourselves. We would just try again in a couple of months.

A few days pass and my wife and I are headed to the store. We reach the parking lot and she begins to talk about how down she was. I tell her that we can move beyond this and that she has to start being more positive about herself and thankful for all the goods things we have. I am very sensitive to the fact that she just lost our baby days before, but I also say that tomorrow is a new day and we really need to move on. After talking for about 30 minutes we finally decided to walk inside the store, hand in hand and ready to take on the world together.

This is where shi* really starts to get crazy.

The next day I am at work and she is at home (she had worked for a company from our home town for a couple of years before we moved and then they let her continue her job out of state using a home office). She texted me, saying that I needed to come home and that she needed me. This didn’t particularly concern me because she had been feeling down, off and on since I could remember.

When I get home, she is in complete tears and just embraces me. I hug her back and try to console her and ask her what is wrong. She tells me that she had not been working at all that day; she had just been trying to put together a letter that she had typed for me. She urged me to read it as she wept uncontrollably.

I begin to read the letter. She tells me that she had had an affair with her boss for 1.5 years…. WHAT?

It began a couple of months before we were married (we were engaged) on a business trip. Her boss was drunk and he kissed her. She was shocked and pushed him away. In subsequent business trips he continued to pursue her, to which she told him that she was going to marry me and that she loved me. I guess he eventually won out because over the course of the 1.5-year affair, they had sex at least 15 times. Not only this, they said they loved each other. She told me that she didn’t mean it and it was like she was not there when she said it to him.

After 1.5 years she realized just how wrong what she was doing was. She began to see a counselor on her own (at the time I just thought it was because she was depressed). She was then able to end the relationship with him on her own which she said was easy once the help she had gotten from her therapist sank in and she realized what she was doing. The affair ended January 2012 and I found out about this whole thing January 2013. I was/am furious and hurt to say the least. So many mixed emotions…

I immediately told her to pack her shi* up and go to her parents house, about 4 hours away. She has been gone now for close to a month. It has been really hard for me. It really is like a rollercoaster. I go from angry to sad to hopeful to ready to move on with my life without her.


There were just so many gritty details that came up in my later conversations with her. I found out they didn’t use protection (outside of her birth control). Her boss is married with 2 kids. Before we moved, while she was at her work, she would take “lunch” breaks where her and her boss would check in to a hotel… These are just some of the horrible things that have come to light.

BTW, I called her boss to let him know what I thought about him AND called his wife to give her a heads up.

To her credit, it was her sole decision to confess these things to me. She tells me she will answer any and all questions I have truthfully, which she has. She has completely fallen apart and is torn with grief over what she did. She cut off all ties with her boss, quitting the job. She continues to call and text me telling how sorry she is and that she still wasn’t healed from the things she went through in her past but that now, after counseling, she was a new person and had finally confronted all of her problems with great success, taking control of her life.

I don’t doubt her transformation in all of this. I know she is truly, deeply sorry and I really know that she has a tremendous amount of love for me.


This has just been so fu**ed up. I feel like I just don’t want anything to do with her. My parents and I packed all of her stuff up and put it in the garage until her parents come and get it. I would like to move on with my life and find somebody who would never do that to me.

My wife tells me that this was a horrible thing to have done to us and our families and that with time we can get through it. She says she is willing to do anything I want in order to show me she is sorry and prove that she can be this new person. She wants us to go to marriage counseling or, if I prefer, speak with someone on my own to help me get through this. It has just been so tough because my gut tells me to get out of this marriage as soon as I can, but I also feel a pang of guilt like I haven’t done everything I could to make this work.

BUT HOW DO YOU MAKE THIS WORK?!?! It just blows my mind…all of it does. I mean I had NO idea, not even a sneaking suspicion. It was a complete blind side.

To make matters even more confusing, after we had moved from our home state and the relationship she was having ended, she started looking for other work. She got an offer from the same company (same boss, aka the owner) to be able to work from home. She accepted the job, knowing that 4 times out of the year it would require her to go on work trips where this person would definitely be present and put herself in the same situation as when the whole relationship began. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON THINKS/DOES THESE THINGS??!?! She said that she did it because she knew she had ended the relationship and that, to get some sort of payback, she would be taking money from this person in the form of a paycheck. That sounds so fuc*ing loony to me it’s not even funny.

So, here I am in the middle of this shi* storm with no umbrella. Everyone I talk to says GTFO and move on and I agree. But, I also have the thoughts of how great* our relationship was, how amazing our families got along, our aligned goals for the future and love for each other. I also have her texts/calls about how utterly sorry she was that she was capable of doing that to me and how she so wishes she could take it back. It’s the most dramatic situation that I couldn’t even dream up.

At this point, she wants me to give it more time before I decide to get a divorce. She tells me that she will be dead inside if I end it, saying “how could you throw it all away-think of our memories, you know who the true me was, how I loved you, it was all real, we can still be happy together forever, I’m willing to show and prove it to you…”

I told her this: If you put a gun to a mans head and pull the trigger, you kill that man. He is dead right there on the ground. You can be as sorry and remorseful as you want but that man is still there, dead. You have to pay for what you did.

And that is how I feel-like my hands are tied behind my back. I tell her I wish she would of just told me when he tried to kiss her or after the first time she was unfaithful…but for 1.5years!!??!?

Another small fact: there was a girl she worked with in the same office before we moved. The same boss came on to this girl at an event out of town. She told her husband and after they both physically went to her work and talked with her boss, she left the company. She is still married to her husband and works at a different company now. Why couldn’t that have been our scenario??

My wife’s mind was weak and she was vulnerable to this scumbags advances. I am just broken over this whole mess.

Just as a clarifying point, I brought up the relationship she had in the past with her former professor as an example of the grace I had given her in the past – something that she is asking for now. That was a hurtful decision that she made and which she said she would never do again.

Any and all input is appreciated.
 

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Well I have to say it sounds like you've done everything right from the start. Laid out immediate consequences, exposure, holding firm, etc.

She told me that she didn’t mean it and it was like she was not there when she said it to him.
She was though and it came out of her mouth.

To make matters even more confusing, after we had moved from our home state and the relationship she was having ended, she started looking for other work. She got an offer from the same company (same boss, aka the owner) to be able to work from home. She accepted the job, knowing that 4 times out of the year it would require her to go on work trips where this person would definitely be present and put herself in the same situation as when the whole relationship began. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON THINKS/DOES THESE THINGS??!?! She said that she did it because she knew she had ended the relationship and that, to get some sort of payback, she would be taking money from this person in the form of a paycheck. That sounds so fuc*ing loony to me it’s not even funny.
That is a problem. She should not be working at ANY job that puts her in ANY contact with that man if you do decide to work on the marriage. I don't know if she's not using common sense as to how that looks or if she's looking for an excuse to see him again.

Everyone I talk to says GTFO and move on and I agree. But, I also have the thoughts of how great* our relationship was, how amazing our families got along, our aligned goals for the future and love for each other.
I'm not saying leave but she was ****ing some other guy during your marriage and part of your engagement. A lot of what you thought was so great was built on a house of lies and deceit.

My wife’s mind was weak and she was vulnerable to this scumbags advances. I am just broken over this whole mess.
I will advise you to not make excuses for her. She knew what she was doing for a year and a half. She could have prevented it or quit at any time and it took her 1.5 years to do so. Which I will admit is a lot better than the ones who keep going until they're caught or found out years down the road. Very few come out and confess unprovoked. And even then tell the whole truth about whatever is asked. THAT is rare.


I will say she does seem remorseful and if you do want to reconcile, give it a shot. I wouldn't let her move back in with you though. In fact if she's dead serious about getting back with you, you might just want to divorce her and try taking things back to a basic level. If she wants to work it out as much as you claim she should be fine with that.

But regardless of whether you stay or go, the marriage you thought you had is dead.
 

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She goes after some guy while you're engaged and then has a 1.5 year betrayal!?!

1.5 years!

78 weeks!

About 550 days.

And now she tells you? I mean, nothing says "I love you" like screwing her boss for 78 weeks. And during that time all she had to do was say "no". But didn't.

I hate to say this but despite all her tears, you've been played. She was living a complete double life on you. And it gets even better. There's about a 100-110% chance you either still don't know all of it and there will be future lovers as well.

Now, I'm going to guess she may suffer from depression. But that is no excuse.

Truly, you deserve better. And you deserve some happiness.
 

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OK, the boss is a philandering predator and if it's a public company, you should report him - it's harrassment and he should be fired.

BUT.... that doesn't excuse your wife's behaviour. If I follow the chronology - she has been cheating on an off throughout your relationship. When you took a break - she was unfaithful. When you got engaged, she was unfaithful and continued to be unfaithful through your "honeymoon" phase. I wonder why she even married?

She needs to fix herself because she is broken. She needs to fix herself on her own. She needs serious help.
 

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Ummm, she's supposedly remorseful and goes BACK to work for the guy she screwed you over with??

Honestly dude, just run like hell. This has no future whatsoever. There is nothing holding you back, and you have a full life to live. There are way too many integrity driven woman out there to be with and just waiting for someone like you.

I'm a marital recovery minded individual, but you really have established nothing to recover.

Move on. You're better than this.

Sorry you're here. Feel bad for you.
 

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So she is working for the guy again? And that is a good idea how?

That alone says that she isn't "getting it".

Sorry you are going through this.
 

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I"m also wondering:

She continues to call and text me telling how sorry she is and that she still wasn’t healed from the things she went through in her past but that now, after counseling, she was a new person and had finally confronted all of her problems with great success, taking control of her life.

What did she mean by that.
 

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Stoped it her self.And takes up a job with the same guy after all
IC.Claim´s she is a better person..Come on..Walk from this one. I mean takes up work with the same gay.Where it takes her to meet him 4 times a year..And nothing happened..Really?

Have you talked to the OM´s wife..I sense there is a reason she confessed..
 

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I told her this: If you put a gun to a mans head and pull the trigger, you kill that man. He is dead right there on the ground. You can be as sorry and remorseful as you want but that man is still there, dead. You have to pay for what you did.
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First, She DOES NOT have to pay for what she did. It is NOT up to you to punish her. That is immature and irresponsible. It is how children act.

You have to make a decision if you want to work things out with her or not. If you don't, file for D and move on. If you do then you have to work at reconciling. Reconciling does not mean punishing the person you love. If you cannot forgive her, don't even bother with reconciling. You will just be trying to manipulate her and punish her for the rest of your lives at to what end?

If she was weak, maybe you can understand or maybe you can't but someone who was weak doesn't need to be punished. She told everything to you which is more than most people get. She deserves some credit for that. It shows she can be remorseful and strong. That took a lot of guts.

Second. You don't give GRACE. That is not up to you. You are not in position to give her grace. You can forgive her, but you are not so high and mighty that by your grace she is allowed to be married to you. That is really haughty and arrogant.

She is a person that you love or loved. She has done some really bad things. She broke your trust, violated your marriage vows etc... You need to decide what YOU want to do with your life.

Punishing your WS is not what you should be doing. Deciding if you want R or D is. Life is not about punishing people who hurt you. That is a child's thought. It is about living the best life you can.

Sit down and write out what you want to do with your life. Think hard of you want her in your life and then decide. From there focus on being a better you and go live this life like every day is your last. Being bitter and destructive to someone you love is NOT the answer.
 

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I think you handled this in the best possible way. Why would you even for a minute consider reconciling? She lied to you everyday for a year and a half. I don't think you can have a good relationship without trust, and you could never trust her out of your sight. You didn't even have an inkling that she was cheating, it's not worth it to spend the rest of your life policing her.

She is broken, and you can't fix her. Reconciling=a lifetime of pain.
 

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I was or still am married for 14 years.. My wife ***ed me 3 to 4 times a week. I have 2 boys soon to be 13 and 8..

She tried to have an affair with some stranger from the internet. I caught her.. She emailed her old junkie boyfriend who is now a drug counselor in florida, looking to hook up. She is rewriting history now and denies it, but when we went to counseling she admitted she was trolling.

My wife is now leaving me for a guy 10 years older that has NOTHING. My wife makes more money per hour then he does, thanks to me putting her through college.

My simple point. Do you want to be me ??

GTFO.. You have more breaks in trust then I do in less time..

She is broken.. She has some issues that need to be fixed. Do you want to try and hope that therapy and counseling will fix them ?

I know my wife is broken and there is NOTHING I can do about it. I love her, but there is NOTHING I can do about it..

GTFO.. Let her fix herself if she wants and maybe a year from now or maybe two she MIGHT be okay to remarry.

AT a minimum get post nup that outlines what she gets if you every get divorced. Of course it will be skewed in your favor. This way 5 years from now when you have a child and she wants to rake you over the coals because she is in love with her new boyfriend. At least she walks away and your not in the poor house.

BTW my second son took 3 years to conceive. 3 miscarriages and one D&C. Mind you I understand my wife went through them.

Nutshell GTFO and find someone that really loves YOU 100% or PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE at a minimum do something to protect your financial future. At least have some silver lining when it all falls apart again.
 

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I understand the vacillation between wanting to end it immediately and then feeling there is a chance. From what you've posted, I think your marriage is over. A year and a half affair behind your back? How is that ever going to sit well with you? That's a lot of lying - for a long time. My advice to you is read the stuff over at chumplady.com. It's realistic and amusing. I gained a lot of perspective over there.

Good luck, dude. You're not alone.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I"m also wondering:




What did she mean by that.
I think she meant that after going through her counseling, she was able to work through mistakes she had made in the past as well as confront this current mistake and see the flaw in her decision making process.
 

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First, She DOES NOT have to pay for what she did. It is NOT up to you to punish her. That is immature and irresponsible. It is how children act.

You have to make a decision if you want to work things out with her or not. If you don't, file for D and move on. If you do then you have to work at reconciling. Reconciling does not mean punishing the person you love. If you cannot forgive her, don't even bother with reconciling. You will just be trying to manipulate her and punish her for the rest of your lives at to what end?

If she was weak, maybe you can understand or maybe you can't but someone who was weak doesn't need to be punished. She told everything to you which is more than most people get. She deserves some credit for that. It shows she can be remorseful and strong. That took a lot of guts.

Second. You don't give GRACE. That is not up to you. You are not in position to give her grace. You can forgive her, but you are not so high and mighty that by your grace she is allowed to be married to you. That is really haughty and arrogant.

She is a person that you love or loved. She has done some really bad things. She broke your trust, violated your marriage vows etc... You need to decide what YOU want to do with your life.

Punishing your WS is not what you should be doing. Deciding if you want R or D is. Life is not about punishing people who hurt you. That is a child's thought. It is about living the best life you can.

Sit down and write out what you want to do with your life. Think hard of you want her in your life and then decide. From there focus on being a better you and go live this life like every day is your last. Being bitter and destructive to someone you love is NOT the answer.
I understand your concern. The word "grace" was actually one that she used to describe me forgiving her. Believe me, I'm not that kind of guy. I would not want to cause her any pain whatsoever, just going through some of the ups and downs of finding something like this out.
 

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I think she meant that after going through her counseling, she was able to work through mistakes she had made in the past as well as confront this current mistake and see the flaw in her decision making process.
It would be too simplistic to think that all of a sudden she realized that she has a flaw in her decision making process. It's more than a decision making process. It's about breaking vows and lying.

If it was that simple to cure, there would be no broken marriages due to infidelity.
 

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She has a propensity to cheat---with her prof., and with her boss---what more do you need

You never knew---you only found out cuz she "outed" herself---so you know she KNOWS HOW TO CHEAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT

It makes no sense to stay with a partner like that-----

She loves you, she wants this to be right---give me a break---she came home every night for 18 months, looked you in the eye, and said everything was good----and had you believing that you were in a wonderful relationship----your wife no matter how you wanna look at it--is a master of deceit, a liar, and a manipulator

I hate to bring this up---but how do you know that that child didn't come from one of your so called wife's session's with her boss

Only you can decide what to do---but if you stay with this woman, who has cheated on you twice---yes the 1st time with the prof was cheating, in fact your so called wife told you to go out on your own, so she could mess around with her prof, without you around---That makes a very plausable theory

Anyway what you need to decide is between staying with her, which means you live in misery as you are now, cuz if she is around you, she will trigger you---that's just is the way it is, also if you stay, since there is no trust---if there is anything, ANYTHING out of the ordinary---you are gonna go off on her, because of her already cheating twice on you, and doing it so well you never knew

IMHO, you will drive yourself crazy with worry and anxiety if you stay with this woman----ALL OF THESE THINGS GO AWAY AND DISAPPEAR IF YOU WALK AWAY AND START A NEW LIFE.----You are young, there is a good future out there for you.
 

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I think you need time and distance before making any decisions at all. You just lost a baby, and now this. Start focusing on yourself for awhile. What you want to do and should do will become clearer with time. Stay away from her for awhile so your head can clear. IC during this time would be extremely helpfull. I am really sorry you are going through this. Just take care of yourself for awhile!!
 

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If you take her back you need to work on your naïveté. You simply can't trust her ever again. You don't seriously think she stopped at kissing with the prof do you? You think these two are it? Highly unlikely. Make her take a polygraph. You'll find out that you only know the tip of the iceberg.
 
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