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I understand that as the OM archetype I'm likely persona non grata around here but I feel my situation falls short of the fire and brimstone penalty. Actually lived through that part already.

In my case I was a 17-year-old passenger in a horrific car accident that took three of my limbs and gave me disfiguring burns. With only my good arm left I was in rehabilitation for 6 months. Over those months you grow close to your nurses and therapists. And then there's the special one, the 25-year-old newlywed who more than being your physical therapist is also the only one who sees more than a charcoal briquette on wheels. We had so much in common personality wise and as the inpatient stay ended outpatient plans were set up, as were extracurricular movies and dinners some one on one others with her husband as well.

Things were obviously progressing somewhere months later as we sat in her car and she asked why I hadn't made a move yet. The scared kid I was mentioned our age difference and she asked, "And?" Acknowledging the elephant in the Cutlass I then allowed, "And that you're married." With that she thanked me and started a three hour make out session into the wee hours. Here's where I look back and wonder if a more concerted effort to steal her away would have worked. Growing up in an adulterous household I was very averse to becoming that guy or worse, telling everyone I was. However social mores don't keep you warm at night.

So basically we had a two year+ PA that she became pregnant during and dubious paternity hung over the birth. The newborn being a girl looking much like her mother diffused some of the tension. But from that point on the writing was on the wall: our fling would have to fizzle out so the kid could get the best family situation. We did end things and remained friends for two years until contact abruptly ceased from her end. I tried to move on but I sabotaged many relationships based on my twisted devotions to the unattainable.

Fast forward 20 years and I have an even bigger inkling since the young woman I see on Facebook has numerous traits similar to mine, especially compared to her purported siblings and father. And one more thing...there's a clock literally ticking as I have terminal heart failure. My poor health makes me a bad heart recipient so management options are all I get. I've contacted the mother in an attempt to get some answers to a few questions . I think after 20 years it's not too much to ask for. One relaxing afternoon conversation and then I fade away.
 

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The kid wasn't important to you for 20 years, now you want to tear the family apart to satisfy some internal guilt. Nice. Make the ex lover/friend the beneficiary on your life insurance, and when your time comes, you have at least done something to help out the girl and your paramour that won't destroy lives 2 decades after the fact.
 

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I've contacted the mother in an attempt to get some answers to a few questions . I think after 20 years it's not too much to ask for. One relaxing afternoon conversation and then I fade away.

Why? Relive the memories?
You carry nothing with you, dude. None of us.
 

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You should remain out f their lives. While the mother is a horrible person for cheating on her husband, and possibly making him raise another persons bastard child, the child is innocent and does not deserve to have ths heinous act of betrayal become part of her life and burden to carry.

Walk away and do not contact them again,
 

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I can totally understand that you were young and dumb.She was young and made a horrible choice too.But she cut contact with you and did the right thing.

Who knows, maybe she DID tell her husband about the affair and that's why she ceased all communications with you.Maybe it was part of their R.

The child may have your DNA but she isn't yours.You haven't raised her and she doesn't need you in her life. What her mom and dad choose to tell her about her genes is entirely up to them. You have been given a pretty certain death sentence with your heart diagnosis,you want to ruin lives before you leave this world?? Not the best way to go peacefully in my opinion.
 

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The kid wasn't important to you for 20 years, now you want to tear the family apart to satisfy some internal guilt. Nice. Make the ex lover/friend the beneficiary on your life insurance, and when your time comes, you have at least done something to help out the girl and your paramour that won't destroy lives 2 decades after the fact.
stop it. Death is death and she is the the wife is the one who did the messed up thing. He won't be tearing apart a family the wife who screwed around already did that. I am adopted and I just made first contact after 26 years. He did what he thought was best for the baby. I can't fault him for that. But don't judge based on some crazy thinking that the child was not on his mind. It probably eats him up everyday. but he probably has spend his entire life fighting to stay alive and was more worried that he could never be the father the child would need. The communication abruptly ended because the wife got caught and the H forced her hand.
In this situation it is really a shame that this woman would do this too you. The disfigurement, disability, and trying to cope with that along with the idea that you would never be a healthy functioning human being again. I wish this woman saw the emotional damage she did to you on top of all the other garbage life threw at you.
After all what 17 year old is likely to turn down sex. Not many so yea you were a messed up teen she was an grown woman that decided to use you for a fling or whatever. I think you do deserve some answers since, if you are the father, the child deserves to know the truth and so does the husband of the woman that was willing to cheat. ANd yes he deserves to know how his child is doing. He deserves to know whether or not the child has had a happy life and he made the right choice. No man should ever have to wonder if their child is unhappy, or sick, or hurt.
This isn't just a dead beat dad that shucked responsibility. This was a 18 years old kid who got taken advantage of, then when **** hit the fan got left out in the cold. Get your answers, you deserve to know something.
 

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I will not hold your prior affair over your head.

I am sorry that you have come to the end of you life. You were dealt a ****ty hand, I hope you have played it to the best of your abilities.

20 yrs have gone by with the beautiful young woman thinking that another man is her father. No one has contacted you in that 20 yrs. My suggestion is to let it go. For you to jump in now, would be for the worst. DO NOT upset her life. DO NOT turn her world upside down. You have no right to do so. If you are truly her father then let the protective side come out. The side that wants nothing but for your child to be happy and lead a productive life. The side that cannot bear to see pain in their precious faces.
 

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I will not hold your prior affair over your head.
And unless you're his wife, you have no reason to hold his affair over his head. We're talking about a teenager who was hardly aware of the implications of his acts.


I think you should make the choice you feel is best. Your daughter might be unaware of you now, but who knows what is going to happen in the future.
 

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While agree that the mother is as rotten as the come, I do not believe he should turn the daughters life upside down. Talking with the MW is okay and I hope he gets the answers he wants, but I think he should leave the daughter in question alone. I like the idea of leaving everything to the daughter in his will. Then the BH and MW can decide how to explain it when the time comes. I would say a random act of kindness.
 

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And unless you're his wife, you have no reason to hold his affair over his head. We're talking about a teenager who was hardly aware of the implications of his acts.


I think you should make the choice you feel is best. Your daughter might be unaware of you now, but who knows what is going to happen in the future.
I was only pointing out what he stated in the beginning of his post. He felt he would get a little grief about the fact that he participated in an affair. I was simply stating I would not hold it over his head. He was taken advantage of by a sick woman. On that we all agree.
 

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I will not hold your prior affair over your head.

I am sorry that you have come to the end of you life. You were dealt a ****ty hand, I hope you have played it to the best of your abilities.

20 yrs have gone by with the beautiful young woman thinking that another man is her father. No one has contacted you in that 20 yrs. My suggestion is to let it go. For you to jump in now, would be for the worst. DO NOT upset her life. DO NOT turn her world upside down. You have no right to do so. If you are truly her father then let the protective side come out. The side that wants nothing but for your child to be happy and lead a productive life. The side that cannot bear to see pain in their precious faces.
:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Asssuming this isn't a composition for English 201...


Stay out of her life. You may be her father genetically, but certainly not in any other way. I don't see why your need for closure outweighs messing up someone else's life.
 

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You want to have a conversation with her in order to achieve what? I don't think you have clearly stated your goal here.

The girl may be yours, but she very well may not be. You could be projecting your traits onto her because of your desire for closure/contact.

Clearly, based on what you have written you feel some lingering emotions/regrets for her mother and it seems as if - rather than establishing a connection to the girl who may or may not be your daughter for an altruistic purpose - you see the end of your life approaching and would like to achieve some closure from this woman who was a pivotal love in your life.

Instead of dragging her daughter into it and forcing her to overcome the consequences of your actions, why don't you contact her mother for the emotional closure you're seeking without the looming threat of paternity.

I would be more inclined to believe that you were interested in the girl's best interest if you had:

1.) Talked about her more than you did about her mother, you mentioned her sort of as an aside while her mother was the primary focus of your writing.

or

2.) Mentioned having attempted to sort out paternity in some way prior to this.

It seems that what you really want to know is:

Why didn't you love me enough to leave your husband and start a life with me?

and

If I had made a more concerted effort to steal you away from your husband, would you have loved me enough to be with me?

But the questions that really should be answered are:

Do I still love myself despite the fact that I was in a vulnerable position after my accident and turned to the physical and emotional affection of a woman I had no business being with?

and

Will the satisfaction of knowing the paternity of this girl outweigh the emotional turmoil and struggle my inquiry will cause in her life? While I die content, will she live the rest of her life battling trust issues for her parents and anyone else she comes across? Is it worth it?
 

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Any intrusion of your possible daughter woul be only for selfish porpouses. Let her be.
You can write you side of things in case she somehow learn about you after you leave this earth.
 

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Agree with the others

Let it go and go on with whatever time you have left knowing you've done the right thing.

Take care of yourself and go in peace
 

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Over the years I have dealt with similar situations as a chaplain and a therapist. I have made this statement to others who have been in a like circumstance to yours. If the child is yours and since you have not been a father, at most, you were simply the sperm donor. Let it go.

Had you been involved in the child's life I would perhaps suggest something differently.

IMO, I do believe that after 20 years it is too much to ask. When contact ended abruptly, it ended and you should be mature enough to honor that.
 
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