Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 157 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Anyone that knows us would say we're deeply in love and a great couple. We have been best friends and passionately in love for a long time. We had a bumpy bit around 8 years with some infidelity, but with some counseling and hard work we've been in a really great place for about 5 years.

About a year ago, my wife, who is a limit pusher, approached me about swinging. We did our homework and started setting some guidelines for how we should approach this. We decided after some discussion that if this is an extension of our bedroom play, like adding toys or role play would be, we can do this safely without harming our relationship.

We met some couples and worked through some of the weird feelings that come from seeing your spouse with someone else, but generally started figuring it out. After a few experiences we found that we really just wanted FWB, i.e. some good friends that we enjoy hanging out with, but occasionally play with. The idea was that they would be in a healthy marriages, as is ours, and that we would have a little adult fun along the way.

Well we met a couple that is into Poly and things have gone sour from my perspective. My wife is in love with the man and also with the woman. They have this love triangle thing going and I don't enjoy being around them at all. They're really not my type of people and the boundaries of this being an extension of our bedroom play is out the window. Having my wife fall in love with other people is not what I signed up for.

Now she really doesn't want to be with other people and just wants her love affair. I told her I don't like it and that it makes me feel bad. I told her that I won't force her to choose, but that I wanted her to know where I'm at.

She has chosen to pursue this love relationship despite how it makes me feel. I love her very much and don't feel like forcing her is getting what I want from her. I want her to choose me because she wants to. I want her to love me and me only because she wants to. She's not in that place.

Right now, I will continue to love her, regardless of how this makes me feel, but I'm concerned that over time I will just stop caring. I've put her first in our lives over and over and over again. She rarely every reciprocates that choice.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't care whether we continue or stop the lifestyle stuff. The physical fun with other consenting adults is fun, but not if it's messing with the long term health of our marriage.

I've been trying to tell my wife to look for another couple who seems to really have a wonderful marriage, good family life, not be on their 2nd or 3rd marriage, and is making this lifestyle stuff work. We can't find a single example in anyone we've met. This is a sign to me that this may be an illusion and that this is a slow (or fast) marriage killer.

Anyways, I'm at a loss right now. I have not a single friend that I feel I could talk to about this, so I'm going to the WWW to see what I can figure out there.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,082 Posts
Dump the lifestyle. I don't believe, and its just my opinion, that most of the time it won't work because of everything you just described.

And also IMO, either you screw around with other people, or you don't. The whole, "there are rules to swinging" doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

But honestly, I don't think you can dump the lifestyle. Your wife wants it. She isn't going to be able to just drop being able to have other men.
So what do you do? Its a tough situation. But consider you have a wife that wants other men, and perhaps you do too, what do you do with such a spouse if they aren't allowed to F other people? I know, its about emotions. But its going to happen, just a matter of time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,598 Posts
I don't mean to be a hater, but you got what you bargained for. Also, this could just have easily happened to you. The two of you made an informed decision to play with fire and now you've been burnt.

So what to do?

Either cope and keep plugging away- for whatever good it will do you. Or, deliver an ultimatum and be prepared to lose your wife. Or at least more so than you already have.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,994 Posts
I told her that I won't force her to choose

actually you don't have to force her to choose, but you need to enforce the original boundary that she crossed

by your own agreement of what was expected going into this she has now cheated

the real question is what are you going to do about it?

I'm sure a ton here will bash you for your decision, while I do think that certain fantasies are best left as fantasies and swinging is something that rarely works for all parties involved, there is still a clear line what was and what was not acceptable in the agreement before you went into swinging. Therefore it is indeed cheating


read the newbie link in my signature
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,375 Posts
The physical fun with other consenting adults is fun, but not if it's messing with the long term health of our marriage.
This is the bottom line. She can either respect that or possibly lose you - in fact, you may have to file for divorce to get her attention so she will make whatever choice she thinks is right for her.

We've been swingers, and it has been great fun and never any problems. We were also in a poly relationship prior to swinging, and that worked very well for everyone too. However, that's certainly not always the case, and sometimes one person gets excluded, at least temporarily, or finds the new dynamic destructive. Even serious long-term poly people sometimes need to work through issues of jealousy or harmful associations.

Rules for swinging are pretty easy to establish and observe, because you are consciously and deliberately excluding emotional connections that go beyond friendship. Poly is primarily about the emotions. Rules don't mix well with emotional connections, and are often cast aside or loosened with increasing experience with poly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,890 Posts
M This is a sign to me that this may be an illusion and that this is a slow (or fast) marriage killer.
Can I say definitively that swinging is a marriage killer? No. Only anecdotally; and that's from the dozens of posts over the years from people in your same situation.

My opinion? It's a Pandora's box. You opened it.

Admit to your wife you made a horrible mistake in agreeing to this. Tell her you thought you could handle it but you can't. Let her know that her emotional attachments were not supposed to be part of the deal, but you should have known better.

Then, stop swinging, insist on no contact with that couple, and hope that your marriage can survive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,829 Posts
You keep stressing you have a healthy marriage. What's that they say about rivers in Egypt?

What was the infidelity years ago? Yours or hers? I don't think swinging is ever a good idea but different strokes... For a couple with infidelity WHY would you ever go there?

She's made her choice- the couple over you, to hell with your feelings.

And instead of saying this isn't a lifestyle for us, you want to find another couple, because it's fun. So you like the variety of tail you get, but resent your wife having fun.

Good grief Charlie Brown.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,655 Posts
Can I say definitively that swinging is a marriage killer? No. Only anecdotally; and that's from the dozens of posts over the years from people in your same situation.

My opinion? It's a Pandora's box. You opened it.

Admit to your wife you made a horrible mistake in agreeing to this. Tell her you thought you could handle it but you can't. Tell her her emotional attachments were not supposed to be part of the deal, but you should have known better.

Then, stop swinging, insist on no contact with that couple, and hope that your marriage can survive.
If she doesn't agree to this the only option is to file.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,009 Posts
Boundaries without consequence. If there was ever a possibility of losing a wife/husband over something, why on earth do it. Risk management 101. Makes no sense. She brought it up you know. She wanted to cheat with your approval. You got some benefit, I assume - but she really did it seems.

Look, this is just natures way of telling you what will happen if you do this again.

MMSLP speaks to things like this...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,829 Posts
He's cool with the whole deal. Just not with this couple. He wants to find a couple his wife won't enjoy as much as she does this couple.

Still curious as to the infidelity from years ago. The bumpy bit, if you will.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,832 Posts
“Right now, I will continue to love her, regardless of how this makes me feel, but I'm concerned that over time I will just stop caring. I've put her first in our lives over and over and over again. She rarely every reciprocates that choice.”

Loving her doesn’t mean you have to accept this situation and how it makes you feel. You want out of this right now and she doesn’t. The longer you humor it the harder it will be to get it to end. She will stop caring long before you do because she is having fun and you will sooner or later become the “not fun” guy.

You don’t want to force her to make a choice but that is exactly what you must do. Your trying to play the waiting game hoping she gets bored or chooses you and it’s the losing strategy. Long term if you can salvage your marriage out of this you gonna have to stop the lifestyle choice. The rules the two of you agreed upon are now gone and she will probably get attached to the next couple or couple after that.

This tends to be more of a ticking timebomb in relationships and sooner or later is blows them up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,484 Posts
I don't believe this is the first time on TAM we have heard a story of a WW luring her husband into a MMF or MMFF group sex situation only to give him a quick taste and then boot him out.
I know there have been several. It's always the husband that gets left behind.

You need to find you a new sex partner. Stay away from marriage since the concept as escape d you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,484 Posts
By not stopping this now which I predict she won't, you are just wasting your life. Get it over with and if she won't stop you can move on with your life. When you find awoman you can't see effing another man you will have found the right one.M
 
1 - 20 of 157 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top