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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
This is my introduction to the forums, in a way. After reading your forums for a couple of weeks, it’s obvious I belong here! This is a wall of text, but I feel compelled to write it all down. Don’t feel obligated to read it all if you don’t want to.

My best friend introduced my wife and I to each other in 1988. We were engaged two weeks later. We married six months after the engagement. Both of us are Christians and lived with our parents’ right up until the day we got married, so we had never lived with another person. I was still a virgin, though she was not (I knew that, and it was not a problem for me.)

Living together for the first time was shocking – there is so much to work on and mediate! Little things like using paper or cloth towels to clean a mirror…is it really a big deal? It is if you’re married. One of the hardest things for me to deal with has been my wife’s preference for sleeping fully dressed and wrapped up in a comforter like a cocoon. I absolutely hate it. For 21 years I’ve had the sheets and blankets all to myself. This was not the way I imagined my married life.

I should point out that I’m a traditionalist about marriage. I kept my virginity until our wedding night. And I do not believe in divorce! The Bible mentions one exception, and I’ll get to that later. But the entire concept of marriage not working was (and is) foreign to me. I’m totally committed to staying with this woman until one of us is planted.

At age 20, I set three goals for my life to reach by 30: Get married, have children and make my age ($30K). I’m blessed to say I hit all three, though the child part took a while. We held off on pregnancy for the first two years, and then began trying. For three years we tried to get pregnant. It’s easy to think “Oh that’s fun!” but sex turned into just another chore. “We haven’t had sex tonight, let’s do it before we fall asleep.” We had sex to the point of killing the joy. But it worked. If I had turned 30 without her being pregnant, I was going to see a doctor, but we made it.

After our first child was born we decided to immediately start on a second. We didn’t want to wait two or three years to start again and have it take another three years. But it happened right away and our two daughters are 13 months apart.

When the children were small, my wife did not respond very well. I can’t really describe it. She was a good mom – attentive to the kids and taking care of them – but she just wasn’t happy with them and would make irrational statements about how a baby “should know not to do that”. When the kids reached school age, my wife just blossomed into a fantastic mom. I think it is because she could actually have two way conversations with them.

When our first child was in second grade, the school informed us that they had diagnosed her with Autistism (Asperger’s syndrome). That is tough news to take. But we pulled together, worked with the school district’s professionals and got her the help she needed. Now she’s a bratty 15 year old! My wife and I worked well together on this issue.

As the kids got older we had the same marriage issues as everyone else. We were tired, money was always tight, the kids came first, etc. I knew what would happen from speaking with other parents, so it wasn’t unexpected and we just dealt with it.

Throughout all of 2006 my wife was acting very strange. Looking back, I realize it started when she had gone out with some people from work, came home late and said she regretted drinking and wouldn’t do that again. However, she kept going out after work and said it was fun. She even told me they played pool, had a drink and generally enjoyed the evening.

I thought this was fantastic! My wife had some of her own friends and was happy. I even bought her a very nice pool cue for her birthday. The problem was – she wasn’t happy. She cried all the time. When I asked what was wrong, her reply was “I can’t tell you”. I would push her a little, but not to the point of a fight so I’d drop the discussion. It got to the point where she’d come home crying and I’d tell her “I pray every day for you to find happiness”….she’d just cry more.

Her behavior at home was strange too. She spent a lot of time in the garage talking on the phone. At one point she actually asked me if should could quit her job. During our marriage we had NEVER had sex in the car – one time we parked by the side of the road and started…then she just broke into tears. I thought I was hurting her (it was NOT the easiest or most comfortable sex to try…). It never occurred to me that this could be bringing up guilty feelings. Several times she would leave the house at 10:00 PM telling me a coworker wanted to talk over coffee. I look back now and realize how silly that was, as she wouldn’t even go up the block to get food if she was hungry.

She changed her appearance too. As married couples do, we had let ourselves go and were ‘casual’ with our appearance. But she lost weight and starting wearing nice clothes and putting on makeup, changed her hair color to blond and just was much sexier. And she came home one day with a new tattoo on her lower back…that was a surprise.

We went without sex for much of this time. Around Halloween she had a wild idea of buying a costume and getting crazy on me. That lasted about two weeks (and was a lot of fun). After that little adventure we went back to sex rarely happening.

Then one Friday – Feb. 9th, 2008 – I confronted her with this comment…”If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m going to assume the worst.” That is what did it. The dam broke and she confessed a 15 month affair with a guy at work.

She was not expecting my reaction. Instead of being angry, I looked at what I could do! Immediately I stopped all activity that didn’t involve her. I had my own friends that I would hang out with and I played World of Warcraft a lot (That came to an immediate END.) I’ve always thought that the only person I can control is myself, so I needed to figure out what I needed to do. I tried to make myself more appealing to her, evening trading in my Aztek for a new Mustang! (Which made people think I was going through a mid-life crisis, or even having an affair myself.)

The next day we went out to eat and just cried until snot was dripping out of our faces. The waiter insisted that if the food was too spicy we could send it back. We told him it was fine, just leave us alone. No, he said he’d bring the manager over to fix it. Fortunately we got our check and left.

The following day was Sunday. We went to church and it was a disaster. We sat in church with about 2,000 other people just balling our eyes out. I’m still so shocked over it that I haven’t been back. (That’s one of the obstacles I’ve still got in front of me to cross. But I will.)

I did not have anyone to talk to about this. She wanted the affair to remain a secret to our family members and friends. At first I respected this, but over time I just needed somebody to talk to. We worked on our relationship – she admitted that the events over Halloween were her efforts to spark something between us (and that means EVERYTHING to me). Unfortunately, she didn’t end the affair. I actually caught her again in April 2008 by looking at her phone records.

This time she wanted a divorce. But get this – she expected me to move out and leave her with the house and kids….and she was going to move the other guy in! I actually considered this…for about 15 seconds. It just chapped my ass to think of spending my whole adult life building towards my goal of a family, home and career and just walking away to let some other P.O.S. take over. One part of me wanted to run far away and start over, but no, I am keeping the house. The kids stay with the house, which means me. If anyone was leaving, it was her.

I actually talked to the guy once, on the phone. I was fed up and had nothing to lose, so despite her pleading with me not to I called him from her phone and told him to leave her alone, never deal with us again, and he’d never hear from me. The thought of us living together, staying married for the kids and she having an affair while I knew about it was just the end of the line for me. His response was to threaten me and cuss me out. My wife liked this however – I had stood up for her. He chewed her out for it and she realized what a piece of trash he really is. (I’m leaving a lot of stuff out here.)

Well that did it. She changed her tune and wanted to work on the marriage. Again we kept the affair secret. We went to counseling, sometimes twice a week. I decided that I needed to talk with friends so let a select few know what was happening. This bothered her, but not very much. I was in terrible pain of this and discovered playing World of Warcraft wasn’t as responsible for the situation as I thought it was. In fact, it actually helps me deal with the hurt because when I am playing WoW I am not thinking of anything else.

I remember the very first question the therapist asked me: “Do you feel like hurting the other man.” It shocked me in a way – preventing me from killing him was more important, I guess. I did think of it, but realized that my spending my life in jail wasn’t going to fix the relationship or help my kids either. And there’s that whole “Going to Hell” thing too.

Speaking of death, I admit to thoughts of suicide. I had never understood how people can decide to kill themselves. Now I understand. At some point you can just hurt so bad that you are done with life. I reached that decision point but realized things would get better and that my kids would need me. And there’s that whole “Going to Hell” thing again. For a short time there I was in a frame of mind that if somebody had cut me off on the road, I’d have hit him. It’s scary thinking back to that as I write this.

Then in June I went out to the garage and heard her van running in the driveway (the garage door was closed). I stood there listening to it, but it was strange to me that she wasn’t opening the door. So I hit the button and up it came. She just drove in like nothing happened….but I suspected again.

That night I searched the van and found a cell phone charger that didn’t match her phone. Not good. I managed to get into her purse – which she was keeping beside the bed instead of in the kitchen as usual – and guess what? She had another cell phone. The only number in it was this other guy….

Busted a third time, I made her tell the kids. This was important to me because I wanted them to know it wasn’t me causing all of this. It really shook her and I was convinced the affair was finally over.

But it wasn’t.

The final act was performed in August – on our 20th anniversary. She told me the day before that she had to stay after work for an all-hands meeting and wouldn’t be home until late. Uh huh. She went on a ‘date night’ with the other guy. The next day I confronted her. My wife had just spent our 20th anniversary having sex with another guy…even after being CAUGHT three times.

Well that was it. I went to a lawyer. I waited to tell her this until we were sitting in our counseling session. She absolutely freaked. The therapist asked me to leave. Several hours later I was called and told my wife was in the hospital. I’ll leave out the details, but this was very ugly – she ended up being handcuffed at the hospital and driven in a police car to a mental hospital for a forced stay.

That finally did it. I have been diligent in checking on her and she has not seen this guy at all. He tried to contact her at work via email, but she actually called the police and had them make it clear he wasn’t to contact her again. As best as I can tell, there has been no further contact for over a year.

In October, 2008 I was hit by a teenage driver running a red light. As I was flying out of control through the intersection towards the Ford Expedition that would stop my momentum, with the driver’s side door caved into my body, it occurred to me that I was ready to die. I yelled out to God. For the very first time in my life I felt at peace. My only regret would be not to be there for my kids as they become adults, but they’d manage. But I lived and fortunately was not hurt bad. That Mustang saved my life.

While was being cut out of the car, all I could think of was to have someone call my wife. For two hours I was in the emergency room alone and I just wanted her. A police officer went to the house and got her. When she showed up all I wanted to do was hold her.

She is not well. This whole series of events makes more sense if I look at it as her having a mental illness. My wife is sick and needs to heal. Also, when I went to the lawyer I had finally crossed that line in my mind and spirit where I was accepting the concept of divorce, which was extremely hard for me. And I don’t want a divorce, but Jesus specifically gives an exception for adultery. Does He mean I must divorce? Or is it an option? Can I wait until the kids are grown and then do it? Why is it so unclear now? Maybe divorce is acceptable to some, but for me this is a concept I have lived my whole life determined is not an option. I think that possibility actually hurts more than the affair.

It’s been over a year since the affair ended, and 21 months since I found out. For some reason, I expected forgiveness to work by now. We are getting along well and even took a trip to England, where we spent our 21st anniversary. That was very awkward for me and she knows it, but we had a great time and great memories.

We have not had sex since March. She has completely let herself go and gained a ton of weight. It wouldn’t matter except she just is not physically attractive and the last two times we had sex it did not go well. I’d rather just masturbate and wait for her to decide if she wants to lose weight.

A couple of weeks ago she told me that she wanted sex. Here’s another moral issue for me – I believe that a husband and wife should NOT deny sex to each other! (She did that to me for our whole marriage.) I have never said ‘No’ to her until now. This is sinful in my opinion and very much a problem for me.

I discussed it with her and told her my only option at this point if she continues to want sex was the divorce. She understands and withdrew her request for sex (though I know she still wants it) and will work on her weight. There’s more of an issue than just appearance. Her health is suffering. She wrecked her knees, had surgery on one and walks around limping. Before the affair I was committed to pushing her crippled body around in a wheelchair for the last 30 years of my life if necessary, but the affair changed that obligation. I’m positive that I don’t want to live that way and she can control it. There’s still the thought in my mind that she made herself attractive for the other guy, why not for me? I love my wife and kids more than anything in the world and want to make this work. My mind is made up about this issue. She either gets herself in shape or we will divorce. I’ll stay until the kids are grown, for their sake. But I am not living the rest of my life like this. The future of our marriage is up to her.

With all of this being said, I’m actually on pretty level ground. I’ve accepted that the wounds will heal over time, but a scar will always remain. I pray often, and my prayers are helpful. But my current feeling is: “If my prayers are being answered and everything in my life is working out now, why do I feel like crap?”
 

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Are you sure you are not punishing her for making herself attractive for the other guy and not you, by witholding sex? Personally, despite what she's done and how her weight has grown, I think you are wrong to withold sex from her. You elected to stay married. People don't get married to not have sex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Dude, it ain't happening. I have done a lot already and am willing to do more, but sex requires certain physical actions that just aren't possible at this time. And with her knees the way they are, what position can we use?

No, this is her choice. I'm not punishing her.

I will add that it helps if I use Viagra, but in the past that upset her because she feels I should get plenty of arousal just from her. She needs to accept that when we get back to having sex.
 

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Sven,
Did you say that your wife denied you sex for most of your marriage? Was that a chronic problem or the normal stuff? What I mean is it is normal for a young man to want sex daily and his wife to want less then that.

In some marriages though, after kids the wife avoids sex as much as possible and the man gives up and starts asking. Is that what happened to you after your second child?

Have you truly forgiven her for the affair that she stayed with and stayed with despite repeatedly breaking your heart?

I don't quite buy the mental illness defense for one reason. During the time before and during the affair she was able to work and function just fine every day. Sure she was guilty and conflicted and sad, but she pulled it off.

Cheating on their 20th. Such ugly stuff.

I believe she finally had a breakdown but that was self inflicted stress.

Then to do the obsessive eating thing after losing weight for the other guy seems hateful.

I just think Sven is your classic - super devoted Christian who got pushed past his breaking point too many times. And while I love the idea of forgiveness - there has been too much abuse here. I never support withholding sex - except this time I do. He needs to gradually pull away emotionally so he can do what he needs to to when the kids leave.

Are you sure you are not punishing her for making herself attractive for the other guy and not you, by witholding sex? Personally, despite what she's done and how her weight has grown, I think you are wrong to withold sex from her. You elected to stay married. People don't get married to not have sex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Okay, thanks for the replies.

I would love to have sex with my wife! I'd do it as soon as she got home from work IF IT WAS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

Currently it is not. I believe she alone can resolve that.

When we got married I made the horrible and immature mistake of telling her that if she didn't want to have sex, then I wouldn't push the issue. Wow, how I regret that. Being rejected sucks, that's just all there is to it. But I understand it and know from talking with many others that this is the way life is.

After the kids her sex life dived, but I don't blame her for that.

She is completely and totally forgiven. The wound that really hurts is the one where I had to give in to the possibility of divorce in order to stop the affair.

At one point we were going to actually stay together while she openly had the affair. I didn't like it, but what choice did I have? It was an evening when she was planning to go off to see this other guy when I had enough and couldn't stand the thought anymore - and called him.

Yes I do think she is mentally ill. It explains a lot during our marriage and she is currently under the care of a psychiatrist and taking meds. I love her very much and don't want to hurt her and would never do anything to 'punish' her.
 

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He claims to love his wife and children more than anything in the world and wants to make this work.

Sorry. I don't buy it.

He hasn't forgiven and I don't see love in his response toward his wife. I see revenge. I see a guy who feels he can demand anything because he was wronged.

I personally think he's full of it. He should just divorce now and stop pretending to love her.

Or honestly, she should dump him.

It isn't that I blame him for having reached his limit. It is that I find his (ahem) claims to fundamentalism and marriage to be full of hot air. He's lying to himself and to her.

I think he should seek therapy and stop this ruse.
 

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When we got married I made the horrible and immature mistake of telling her that if she didn't want to have sex, then I wouldn't push the issue. Wow, how I regret that.
Yep, that was a bad move. On the other hand, you respected her wishes and likely stopped pursuing if she was rejecting sex. At some point she wanted sex again and either pursued and was rejected by you or didn't even bring it up and eventually went outside of the marriage. Anyway I look at this one as, she made a really bad, selfish choice without respect or regard for your feelings.

If she were cuffed and sent to a mental institution, she was likely suicidal and they did what they had to do. I don't know what type of meds she's on but a friend of mine gained a huge amount of weight on depression meds (she was always thin, athletic and put on about 70 lbs in a short time) Does your wife have a plan to get off of the meds at some point? Did she discuss the weight gain with a Dr?

I think it's pretty clear why you feel like crap. You are unable to forgive her for the affair and you resent her for not stepping up and being a hot, sexy, submissive wife for you and are left with the thought that she did this for another man. I'd be pissed too.

Your dilemma on whether or not to remain married after the affair really can go either way. In my opinion, if you are able to forgive at some point you will be able to have a strong, loving marriage, providing your wife is ready to be a giving force in the marriage as well...meaning working to make you happy.

If you honestly cannot get past this and forgive, it is probably best to go your separate ways. It is not fair to you to live your life feeling hurt and betrayed and equally not fair to expect your wife to pay for her mistake for the rest of her life.

The most difficult thing is knowing if or when forgiveness will happen. Not everyone can do it & your situation is pretty extreme.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
She is completely and totally forgiven.
Believe it. Don't believe it. I can no more control your actions than I can my wife's or anyone elses.

But it doesn't get any more clear than that. Maybe you guys have trouble forgiving and think it automatically applies to me.

Let's just go with the assumption that she really is forgiven and offer advice from there. Okay? Because if you're going to tell me that she's not, the advice doesn't do much for me.
 

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It’s been over a year since the affair ended, and 21 months since I found out. For some reason, I expected forgiveness to work by now.
okie dokie then :scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Are you suggesting that I haven't really forgiven her even though I say I have?

I accept that point of view and the possibility of it. Maybe it is more of a hope than a fact?

Consider this anecdote...

Many months ago I found a pair of boxer shorts on the bedroom floor by my side of the bed. I didn't remember putting them there and definitely knew that I should not toss my underwear to the floor! I started joking with my wife "Hey, who's are these? Who put these here? These aren't mine!"

Oh wow.

I had completely and totally forgotten about the affair. My wife started to get upset and then I realized what I'd done. In a way, it feels good to know I can forget. I'm sorry I brought it up and now try to be careful, which I guess means I have to remember a tiny bit to avoid that mistake again.

But I will listen to you guys. If you think I haven't forgiven, then I don't know where to go from here. It's my INTENTION to forgive her. We'll see how time takes care of this, I guess.

And thanks for the advice on the meds. I'll ask about that.
 

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I actually did not see your forgiveness quote but was interpreting 'expecting forgiveness to work by now' as you were hoping to have forgiven her by now...Only you know if you have....

For me forgiveness brought me a sense of peace...the anger subsided and empathy took its place...this happened with my husband first. At that time I also did not feel any desire to throw things back in his face or hold a grudge or carry the pain day by day...I don't think forgetting is an option, but forgiving just made me feel different.

I also felt forgiveness for the OW after some time, not to say I'd ever be friends with her or hang out but it is in the past and I let it go.

Your boxer short example is a good sign that you are moving on...I suppose if you were not you would have triggered some bad thoughts before anything came out of your mouth.

I do think it's important to put your marriage as the top priority and make changes so you are both happy and fulfilled within it...so I can understand you being frustrated with her weight gain...but I personally have tried to do my best to make my husband happy rather than focus on anything negative that he could be doing better...he does the same and we are both happy...it's hard to even think of anything negative to be honest because these things are so minor now in the grand scheme.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you so much for your comments.

It took me several days to write the original post, and my wife read it before I posted it. She agreed to it and might (or might not) be reading this thread.

I just texted her and asked "Do you think I have forgiven you." She replied "not completely".

Instead of me being a hard-headed ass about this, I'll accept it. But now what?

Time I guess?

Now I doubt everything. In circumstances like this, I just put my head down and go forward....
 

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Everything takes time. Are you two still going to theraphy?

One thing to keep in mind, please keep your children out of this. They are not involved in this what so ever.

At this point I'm happy that you have been faithful. Try to stay that way for as long as the relationship last. Because it will just make it worst if you do the same.

Are you still happy living with her? Have you tried to just move out for a week to see how things goes?

What is your wife's activity like for the week? Does she go out alone?
What is your activity like for the week? Does you go out alone?

Try this on the weekend. You, your wife and kids go to the park, lake, river, or creek. If the weather is nice of course and enjoy nature and fresh air. You don't have to stay long I say 20 minutes is fine.
Do not talk about anything upsetting. Just enjoy each other's company, If you can't enjoy each other's company, enjoy you're children.

When you are done with that. Think to yourself how did that make you feel to be out with the family for the short period.

If you have negative feelings about it. I would say you need to take a break from each other. Maybe not talk for a week and try again.

It you have positive feelings about it. Try longer trips out. Or do something else fun for your children. Then maybe try one trip alone with just the wife.

There is soo many things to do and soo many ways to try to reconnect with your wife.

BUT as always it takes the both of you to get things going again.
 

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My mind is made up about this issue. She either gets herself in shape or we will divorce.
I guess this struck a chord with me....I was thinking, based on your religious background and views on marriage...would this have even been a thought in your mind when you first married and said your vows to her? (did you think...if she gains weight down the road...I'm outta there!)

With all of this being said, I’m actually on pretty level ground. I’ve accepted that the wounds will heal over time, but a scar will always remain.
This is such solid thinking...not knowing how much time is needed requires a lot of patience, so it's good you have accepted this.

my husband's affair had just begun...only a few weeks...never had sex w/her...and it took me a few years to really not think about it anymore, so you have moved much quicker than I...

I hope I am not causing you to doubt everything....I guess I just see your situation as a little more grey than black and white...there was a lot of damage done and I think you can decide in your head what it means and what you want going forward but you cannot always control that deep-down hurt...that human need to want to un-do it, fix it, knowing good and well that you cannot unring that bell...but searching for the alternative survival.
 

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Sven,
Until I read the post below I truly believed you were a true believer - in your religion.

But you cannot claim to be a true believer and also state that your intention was to let your wife openly continue this affair while you were married.

No man would say "what choice did I have?" You flat out know that adultery is grounds for divorce so you absolutely had a choice. You were choosing to allow your wife to treat you like this because you had an overwhelming fear of conflict. And you flat out stated your wife wanted you to leave the house so she could replace you with the man she had fallen for.

ALL of this is consistent. Telling her up front if she didn't feel like having sex that was ok - was a conflict avoidant step AND also it conveyed to her that her needs were more important than yours and that somehow you didn't deserve to be treated properly as a husband.

As for the meds and the weight gain - I guess you can look that up. It sure sounds like this has been a very one sided marriage from day one. Do you feel like she has been trying to make it up to you - her bad behavior for all that time - or was she just hoping you would simply forgive and forget?


Okay, thanks for the replies.

I would love to have sex with my wife! I'd do it as soon as she got home from work IF IT WAS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

Currently it is not. I believe she alone can resolve that.

When we got married I made the horrible and immature mistake of telling her that if she didn't want to have sex, then I wouldn't push the issue. Wow, how I regret that. Being rejected sucks, that's just all there is to it. But I understand it and know from talking with many others that this is the way life is.

After the kids her sex life dived, but I don't blame her for that.

She is completely and totally forgiven. The wound that really hurts is the one where I had to give in to the possibility of divorce in order to stop the affair.

At one point we were going to actually stay together while she openly had the affair. I didn't like it, but what choice did I have? It was an evening when she was planning to go off to see this other guy when I had enough and couldn't stand the thought anymore - and called him.

Yes I do think she is mentally ill. It explains a lot during our marriage and she is currently under the care of a psychiatrist and taking meds. I love her very much and don't want to hurt her and would never do anything to 'punish' her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Wow so much to think about. I'm really glad I finally posted something, even though I just spent the past 30 minutes crying.

Tonight is Lodge night. The Saturday morning after finding out about the affair we had a lodge meeting and I just sat there crying into my hands. I'm afraid of that happening tonight. But I'm going anyway and will respond when I get back.

Thank you all so much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Back from lodge. No crying, but I was a bit scatter-brained as I was only thinking about this.

We are not in counseling together. We felt taken advantage of - like the therapist was actually trying to start a fight. So we quit. She still has a psychiatrist.

The children are 14 and 15. They know everything. I gave her the opportunity (more than once) to keep it secret, but if a divorce was going to happen, everyone was going to know who started it. It's good the kids know, they were very confused before being told.

I will be faithful to my wife until the day I die. I have no consideration of life without her. We did not move apart. In fact, I work from home almost exclusively now....after finding out she was bringing the other guy home during the day. Now I'm just spoiled by not going into the office!

As for living apart....we did that when she was in the hospital. It absolutely sucked to no end.

We still go out with separate friends. I think that is important. But we spend time together too. I'm going to take Crazy's suggestion on the park. We are both committed to moving on from this. I'm hoping it will make our marriage stronger. Is that a false hope?

Swedish, when I took my wedding vows I meant every word. It's an interesting point you brought up about leaving her over her weight. Not in a million years! Unfortunately, events have taken me to a place where I had to accept divorce as an option. I'm really more concerned about a life of taking care of an invalid (only because she let herself get that way) than the sex.

Your husband had an affair but no sex? That's interesting and answers a lot of questions I see in other threads about what constitutes sex and what is an affair. There are certain parts of a marriage that just belong only to a spouse. Sex is only one item in that list.

MEM, the bit about letting her continue the affair is still bizarre to me. We actually worked the details out with the therapist: sleep in the same bed? Yes. Sex? No. In the bathroom at the same time? Not if one of us is naked. Etc. This happened on a Wednesday. By Thursday I realized my wife was going to work the next day and not coming home until she had met up with the other guy, had sex and whatever else, came home when she felt like it (who knows when that would have been...all weekend?) and then crawl into my bed. I could not take it and was ready to burn down the whole world if necessary to prevent it. That's when I grabbed her phone and called him. It worked for the moment, though she tried to continue the affair without me knowing.

I like your comments about me having a fear of conflict. It makes sense that the affair didn't really end until I went to a lawyer and she realized I was prepared to stand up to her.

Please understand that we've gone through a lot in 21 years. I had a back injury four weeks before our wedding. We cancelled the honeymoon. The first year was surgery and recovery. She put up with me the whole time and I will never ever forget it. I can't help but wonder if I damaged the marriage then.

Thank you all. This was intended to be an introduction message, but it's turned out to be much more.
 

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Finding the right therapist("the rapist" lol) is not easy.

My ex husband and I went through about 8 of them and it didn't work, only because we didn't want to work at the same time. Our relationship was one affair after another. We both cheated on each other.

Everyone wants to make their relationship stronger. With an affair in the relationship when you overcome it, which is going to be a long time(nothing is easy), you will love each other alot more.

You said psychiatrist. Is she having a harder time getting over what she had done to you?

You ask in another thread "are you glad you said "Forget it I"m done"? "
Truth is. I'm not exactly sure. I regretted that the relationship had failed, but I am glad I went through it. It gave me more to learn about life.

I did find another man to love and be loved(literally 6 months before the divorce date). But I'm still torn from my past relationship. I didn't give myself enough time to get over my ex. Now it has projected on to my current relationship.

Currently we are both faithful, he is deployed and I'm afraid he's cheating on me, althrough he has done nothing to show that he is. I just still have that major fear.

My emotions are more intense now then before. I have been through many therapists, psychiatrists and medications. Which messed up a little bit.

Currently med free and hoping that the future will be brighter.
 
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