[fbr321]

Today, I stumbled upon a host of emails in my dad's inbox that suggest that he has the intention to cheat on my mom-a marriage of over 25 years.
I should note, I am not the snooping type. I was borrowing my dad's old phone, since I am currently abroad visiting them-and I guess his inbox on his iphone is linked to a junk mail account of his (which he presumably forgot links to this phone..)

This seems like a recent development, but I have enough proof to know that he has the intention of cheating on my mother. There are notifications in his inbox of 2 opened online dating sites, detailed (and very graphic emails) of secret rendezvous, sex, etc., and a craigslist ad. He even had the audacity to mention that he is indeed married and has children to some of his potential other women.

I love my dad very much. My parents marriage is admired by all of their friends-my mom is a great woman, and I do believe that my dad still loves her. My dad loves me and my brother very much, and that I know for sure.

I think it's something about moving as US expats to Southeast Asia that leads to some excitement about cheating. I should mention that he has friends from work who have, since moving here, cheated on their wives.

I haven't told anybody, and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to be the cause of a divorce, or a rift between him and my mom/myself and brother. He intends to cheat on my mom on his next business trip (as I have learned from correspondences), so I really do want to address it before that time.
Who do I tell first? My dad to clarify things? Or my mom? or my brother.
I don't want to embarrass my dad, and I do want him to know that I love him, but I do want to address this head on.

I really lost at this point as to what to do.
Please, any advice for a 22 year old daughter who so badly wants to reconcile this issue, is much appreciated.

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

Your mother is the one who he's betraying first of all. You need to tell her first. If you tell your father he will likely try to talk you out of it with promises of stopping. Before you tell your mother have some resources in hand that will help her tackle this. Let her know about this site as well. She's going to need all the support she can get.
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[fbr321]

Your mother is the one who he's betraying first of all. You need to tell her first. If you tell your father he will likely try to talk you out of it with promises of stopping. Before you tell your mother have some resources in hand that will help her tackle this. Let her know about this site as well. She's going to need all the support she can get.
Posted via Mobile Device

Thanks for the advice. The only thing that is preventing me from telling my mom first is that I am almost sure that my dad hasn't done anything yet, but that he has the intentions to cheat. Do you find it wise to address it before it becomes a reality and tell him first? I just don't want to make my mom sad unnecessarily if I can prevent it.

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

I still think if you tell your dad first he's going to give you a whole lot of promises, and then when your gone, continue on. The fact that he's looking means he is in the most dangerous spot of all....he's about to destroy his life. Much better to bust it now before he crosses over. Either way your mom deserves to know because, as I understand it, he's already corresponded with POW?? And if that's the case he's already cheated. Either way she will one day find out and you can't spare her the devastating news of his unfaithfulness.

My parents survived my fathers affair ---it was AWFUL! But my mother was a pit bull and yanked that man out of the fog by exposing high and low without realizing what she was doing. (Something to do with her temper). Though it took time things came back around and they were soooooo close in their twilight years. My father was very grateful for my mom and what she did and told us kids. He loved her.

Remember your mom will hurt either way. Shower her with love
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[warlock07]

Call him and confront him. Tell him what you found and you will tell mother if he doesn't confess to her first. he will try to cover it up or talk his way out of it. Don't bother. Talk to your mother later to make sure he confessed. If you are not sure if you should confront him on phone, do it on email

 

[SomedayDig]

I have no experience in something like this, however if it were me, I would do it this way: First, tell your brother and show him all of the evidence. This is gonna do a couple things. It will give another opinon of exactly what the content of the emails and stuff are, but most importantly verify what you already know so you don't feel so alone. Secondly, both you and your brother confront your Dad with the info. Let him know you weren't intentionally snooping, but this is what you found. Tell him that he has two choices...tell your Mom about it or wait in the wings when you and your brother tell her. I would give him the opportunity to confess, however you and your brother need to be present to support your Mom AND, more importantly...make sure he doesn't gaslight or minimize his actions.

Good luck.

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

I hope others will chime in here. Maybe some would say go to your dad first. Just know if you do and he tries to talk you out of it, be strong and say "either you tell her or I will". If you think you can do that and not buckle then let him know first. But your mom deserves to know!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

Call him and confront him. Tell him what you found and you will tell mother if he doesn't confess to her first. he will try to cover it up or talk his way out of it. Don't bother. Talk to your mother later to make sure he confessed. If you are not sure if you should confront him on phone, do it on email

Yes, this! Much better! But don't let him talk you out of it!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

I have no experience in something like this, however if it were me, I would do it this way: First, tell your brother and show him all of the evidence. This is gonna do a couple things. It will give another opinon of exactly what the content of the emails and stuff are, but most importantly verify what you already know so you don't feel so alone. Secondly, both you and your brother confront your Dad with the info. Let him know you weren't intentionally snooping, but this is what you found. Tell him that he has two choices...tell your Mom about it or wait in the wings when you and your brother tell her. I would give him the opportunity to confess, however you and your brother need to be present to support your Mom AND, more importantly...make sure he doesn't gaslight or minimize his actions.

Good luck.

And this! ^^^^ Yes.
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[SomedayDig]

By the way FBR...I do believe as you state that your Mom loves your Dad and he loves her, as well as you and your brother.

However, an affair isn't about that love. It is about selfishness and egoism.

My wife loved me (as well as our children) throughout her 5 year long affair.

 

[remorseful strayer]

Thanks for the advice. The only thing that is preventing me from telling my mom first is that I am almost sure that my dad hasn't done anything yet, but that he has the intentions to cheat. Do you find it wise to address it before it becomes a reality and tell him first? I just don't want to make my mom sad unnecessarily if I can prevent it.

Intention is everything.

Your father is already betraying your mother. She needs to know.

There is nothing like discovery for a man to end his cheating ways,.

You are likely right, too, your father loves your mother and is giving in to temptation and he is acting like a sheep following the herd of his cheating acquaintances, instead of leading the herd. Extramarital sex is all much easier and almost openly accepted in the country he now lives in.

You will in the end be helping your father.

I wish someone had stopped me from giving in to temptation.

This will definitely ruin the marriage and your mother may divorce him. Stop it now. Tell her before she finds out and before your father actually has sex with another women.

If you confront him first, he will likely take the cheating underground. You will have taught him not to use his regular phone. He will buy a burn phone and hide it.

 

[fbr321]

Thank you so much for the advice, it really is such a relief to be able to talk to somebody about this.
I think I will begin by talking to my brother about this first, and hopefully, together, we can think of a plan on how to tell my dad. I'm really bad at confrontations (I tend to cry excessively..) but I will be reminded to stay determined and give him that ultimatum. My brother is currently in the states, so I'm the only one here who can physically talk to him. I'm moving back to the US soon, so it really is up to my dad to make things right after I'm gone.
Still in shock-today has been the longest day of my life

 

[Acoa]

Some good advice above. Also, don't place blame on yourself for the stress this will put on your parents marriage. You are not the cause. He is.

 

[survivorwife]

Thanks for the advice. The only thing that is preventing me from telling my mom first is that I am almost sure that my dad hasn't done anything yet, but that he has the intentions to cheat. Do you find it wise to address it before it becomes a reality and tell him first? I just don't want to make my mom sad unnecessarily if I can prevent it.

Here is the thing that you might not realize yet. Yes, you Dad has indeed "done something yet". Sure, it wasn't physical (yet), however the intent is there. So what happens if you tell your Mom that Dad "intends" to cheat? Is that not enough? Perhaps your Mom can stop him before he has an affair. Perhaps they will fight, but they'll have a chance to address it before it gets too far.

I would recommend that you tell your Mom what you know, and let her handle your Dad. Then, you can step aside and let them deal with it. You see, if you tell your Dad first, he will merely cover his tracks and STILL try to cheat on your Mom. I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Tell your Mom. Let her handle it. As a Mom myself, whose H did the same thing, I would want to know and I would be hurt if my son knew and kept me out of the loop, especially this period of time before Dad accomplishes his intended goal.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

Adjust your perspective a bit.

If you love your Father, you have to save him. He needs you.

Infidelity isn't a single gunshot, or knife wound to a spouse's heart..

It's an atomic bomb. This will destroy him as well. It's a full scale thermonuclear explosion, anything and anyone anywhere near it will be impacted. The wreckage and fallout may take a lifetime to clear up, if ever.

 

[hotsthrnmess]

Tell your brother first, get the support you need from him and then tell your mom. If you still have access to it, show her your evidence (maybe find a way to save it?). Although he hasn't physically cheated, the intentions are there and frankly, that is definitely enough. Show her the evidence and be there to support her. Don't blame yourself for anything that happens as a result of exposure. You will not be the reason for a divorce (if it happens), his actions will be. You are doing the right thing and imagine the feelings you'll have if you don't let your mother know.

 

[Numbersixxx]

Today, I stumbled upon a host of emails in my dad's inbox that suggest that he has the intention to cheat on my mom-a marriage of over 25 years.
I should note, I am not the snooping type. I was borrowing my dad's old phone, since I am currently abroad visiting them-and I guess his inbox on his iphone is linked to a junk mail account of his (which he presumably forgot links to this phone..)

This seems like a recent development, but I have enough proof to know that he has the intention of cheating on my mother. There are notifications in his inbox of 2 opened online dating sites, detailed (and very graphic emails) of secret rendezvous, sex, etc., and a craigslist ad. He even had the audacity to mention that he is indeed married and has children to some of his potential other women.

I love my dad very much. My parents marriage is admired by all of their friends-my mom is a great woman, and I do believe that my dad still loves her. My dad loves me and my brother very much, and that I know for sure.

I think it's something about moving as US expats to Southeast Asia that leads to some excitement about cheating. I should mention that he has friends from work who have, since moving here, cheated on their wives.

I haven't told anybody, and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to be the cause of a divorce, or a rift between him and my mom/myself and brother. He intends to cheat on my mom on his next business trip (as I have learned from correspondences), so I really do want to address it before that time.
Who do I tell first? My dad to clarify things? Or my mom? or my brother.
I don't want to embarrass my dad, and I do want him to know that I love him, but I do want to address this head on.

I really lost at this point as to what to do.
Please, any advice for a 22 year old daughter who so badly wants to reconcile this issue, is much appreciated.

I recently learned that my mother cheated on my father. So I can understand how you must feel. However, your mother deserves to know what is going on with her husband. Maybe you talk first with your father and give him a chance to tell the truth by himself.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[remorseful strayer]

Here is the thing that you might not realize yet. Yes, you Dad has indeed "done something yet". Sure, it wasn't physical (yet), however the intent is there. So what happens if you tell your Mom that Dad "intends" to cheat? Is that not enough? Perhaps your Mom can stop him before he has an affair. Perhaps they will fight, but they'll have a chance to address it before it gets too far.

I would recommend that you tell your Mom what you know, and let her handle your Dad. Then, you can step aside and let them deal with it. You see, if you tell your Dad first, he will merely cover his tracks and STILL try to cheat on your Mom. I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Tell your Mom. Let her handle it. As a Mom myself, whose H did the same thing, I would want to know and I would be hurt if my son knew and kept me out of the loop, especially this period of time before Dad accomplishes his intended goal.

Now is the time to tell your mother. Do it right away before he actually has the chance to follow through with the sexual act. He could give your mother an STD, a deadly one.

It will be easier for your mother to get past his betrayal, if it has not progressed to actual full on sex.

If you tell your father first, it's almost a given, he will simply go into stealth mode. Telling him first will be like pulling the pin on a grenade.

 

[alte Dame]

You can tell your brother first, but you absolutely, absolutely have to tell your mother before you tell your father. She will be hurt & humiliated beyond repair if you don't. I have children your age, a daughter and a son, and I know whereof I speak. Do not make this a plan to approach her carefully. Tell her now. Right now.

 

[alte Dame]

Really, tell her this very minute. She will never understand why you didn't go to her absolutely immediately with your discovery. It will feel like a betrayal to her.