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Discussion Starter #1
Hey guys, I've been married for about 6 years I'm 31 years old and two weeks ago my wife came home saying she wanted to seperate for a while to find "ourselves". She's currently in medical school and started about 6 months ago. I think that played a huge factor in where we are now. She says she doesn't know who she is right now or what she wants. But knows that the way things have been going with our marriage is taking a huge toll on her. We both haven't been very happy for a couple years sort of up and down with our marriage. I want to get help and take small steps to try and fix this but she isn't ready yet. I'm really struggling to keep my daily routine day after day without her. I guess I'm just looking for other guys out there who are going through something similar or have gone through this. And no there isn't any cheating going or anything else major like that so it's just a case of us letting our marriage get into this negative hole and the loss of communication and similar interests.

To make things even harder we are both in a wedding together for some good friends of ours in about 4 weeks. We've agreed that we not my still need to honor our commitment to our friends and be in the wedding for them. But it's going to be soooo hard. Any tips, advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
 

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No kids, right?

Do the 180. Stop trying to talk to her or pursue her.

Take the time apart to work on becoming a better person.

If you're paying any of her bills, stop.

Give her the gift of missing you.

At the wedding, be friendly, polite, and distant. Then leave as quickly as you can after the ceremony is over.

Stating that there is no cheating 'or anything else major' without having done any investigation to make 100% sure of this seems poorly thought out on your part. You might want to put some effort into being sure about this.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Yes no kids. As for the wedding it's out of town. I'm going a couple days early with family and friends she isn't going to be there until about 3 hours before the cerimony. With that said the whole wedding party and most if the guests are all staying at the same hotel, I'll be in a room with some buddies and she'll be in a room with a couple other women who are part of the wedding. I can't leave after the cerimony.

I want her to see that I'm doing fine and working on myself but then again I don't want her to think I don't care about her or our marriage.
 

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Ya know, I've seen a lot of coupes go through the yo-yo relationships for a long time and it just gets worse and worse. Unless you can shore this thing up soon, probably best to end it and look forward- because now you're stuck in limbo. If the two of you are meant to be, it will happen. But let things go, let her know you hope if it's right for you two, then maybe some day...
 

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1. Trust but verify.
2. Start the 180.
3. Cut any and all financial support.
4. Start focusing on you. Improve yourself.
5. Know that you can't "nice" her back.
6. Set healthy boundaries for yourself.
7. Realize that this is her decision. This means that at some point you need to determine when and if she faces the consequences. Aka - don't let yourself live in limbo or be yo-yoed back and forth.
8. If you talk at the wedding, let her know you still care and want the marriage, but you are going to give her plenty of space.


Sorry you are here.
 

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Sorry your here but your not alone and your story is all to familiar. The advice you have received so far is spot on. Do the 180 but for yourself.

From your description the marriage was on life support anyway so don't hold on to feelings of what it should have been, could have been or might be. A marriage takes two people 100% committed to working on there marriage everyday. She's already checked out. If its over then let it be over. To be honest and from the experiences here, once a married couple formally separates for any length of time its just prolonging the inevitable.

No kids and only 6 years in. Let it go. People grow and change. If they don't grow and change together then they grow apart. That means your not the same people that married those years ago. That is fact not failure. My advice is get out while you can.

Be pleasant, confident and have a great time at the wedding. Do not concern yourself with your STBXW as its as waste of your time, energy and emotions.

Just look at this marriage as a learning experience that you can use to pick a more suitable partner in the future. Get out now before it gets really ugly.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thanks for the advice. I know plenty if people that go through short and long term seperation and come out with a stronger marriage in the end. But then I also know people where it went to divorce. It's hard right now to know if I want to keep giving her space and work on me and potentially we'll work on our marriage or if I should just let it go. The wedding I talked about is about 4 weeks away I'm thinking after the wedding weekend is over I may have to suck it up and just flat out ask what she is thinking and what she thinks she and we are getting out if this seperation. People keep telling me that it's only been a couple weeks so give it time and work on myself but it's just hard.
 

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Hey guys, I've been married for about 6 years I'm 31 years old and two weeks ago my wife came home saying she wanted to seperate for a while to find "ourselves".
Many of us have heard that line. Usually combined with ILYBNILWY.

She's currently in medical school and started about 6 months ago. I think that played a huge factor in where we are now.
I agree. And the reason I agree has nothing to do with her bettering herself or gaining an education. It's about the time away from you, new dynamic, and her new surroundings increasing her curiosity and her entertaining the thought that the grass might be greener.

She says she doesn't know who she is right now or what she wants.
Believe her. This is likely very true. We refer to it here as the fog. And there is usually another word in front of "fog", but not always.

But knows that the way things have been going with our marriage is taking a huge toll on her. We both haven't been very happy for a couple years sort of up and down with our marriage.
That is natural. Rarely is a LTR smooth sailing. Waves and storms can be and are weathered by many daily - if faced head on as a team. Currently she is NOT committed to the team and has told you so. Especially during stormy times, it's work together or sink.

I want to get help and take small steps to try and fix this but she isn't ready yet.
No, she isn't, and has been honest about that. Believe her. At the moment, there is very little YOU can do for the relationship. So instead, you need to focus on YOU. 180.


I'm really struggling to keep my daily routine day after day without her.
Of course you are, and that BLOWS! I know. So THAT is where you need to focus. Your day to day, your routine - specifically without her. Practice. Throw new things in to mix it up. Work on a hobby. Go to the gym. Time with the guys. Things that are about you and not her.


And no there isn't any cheating going or anything else major like that
You knew that possibility would be pointed out. Why? Because it IS the case more often than we'd like to see or admit. Nobody here can tell you for sure that there IS cheating going on. Likewise, unless you have truly investigated that possibility (and it is possible) you can't tell us, and more importantly yourself, that it is not.

One last thing - YES, something major most definitely is going on.

Your wife is not just contemplating life without you, but considering it.

That is huge. Cheating or none.

Tips - accept that fact.
Accept that her level of involvement is up to her.
Accept that any pressure from you will backfire.
Let yourself feel this pain, but don't mope.
Investigate (trust but verify).
If you do find anything, don't disclose that yet.
Work on yourself, for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I have done some investigating regarding cheating, I feel terrible but I've looked at phone records and the only calls/texts going through are to her school friends all of whome are either women or guys that I've met who have girlfriends or wives and not to sound like I'm tooting my own horn but they are no where in her league or mine. With that said of course I cannot fully know whats goin on with her day to day life right now but I also feel like if I continue to worry about that its only going to make things harder on me as far as moving forward and working on myself. So are you guys saying I should jsut totally leave her alone, dont text call or email unless she initiates it? I konw the more I pressure her right now the more it'll push her away.
 

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Cheaters often "affair down" - pick an affair partner in a league below them. Someone who will look up at them, etc. That doesn't mean your wife is cheating - she very well may not be. However, the longer you allow yourself to be in limbo, the higher that risk.

You can not control her level of involvement in the marriage. But you can control your level of tolerance.
Are you OK with separating, knowing that if you do she very well may see someone else?
That should be answered before you work on any logistics. Then:
If you do separate, will you pay her to leave you (support her financially during)?
If so, for how long?

Here is the 180 list.
The 180 | AFFAIRCARE
 

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HOW she answers, yes.

FWIW, I'm no fan of separation as, once separated, how would one know?
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Since she set the rules for separation, she's already thought about it.

She either:
1. explictly said she'd start to see other people
2. explicity said she wouldn't
3. didnt' say anything, which I would assume equivalent to #1 unless you want to ask her.

When my wife left me, it was path 3. I assumed since we didn't discuss it, and were still 'working on it' that it meant no other guys.

Until she took off for a weekend with another guy and I got mad about it. I still remember that email.

"We're separated. You need to get used to it."
 

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Since she set the rules for separation, she's already thought about it.

She either:
1. explictly said she'd start to see other people
2. explicity said she wouldn't
3. didnt' say anything, which I would assume equivalent to #1 unless you want to ask her.

When my wife left me, it was path 3. I assumed since we didn't discuss it, and were still 'working on it' that it meant no other guys.

Until she took off for a weekend with another guy and I got mad about it. I still remember that email.

"We're separated. You need to get used to it."
Fun, huh?

I got #3 by way of "I don't know", which I took as a #1 and filed.
 

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Some good other responses, but let me provide perhaps a different insight, since I am troubled by something similar in my marriage: you say that she is working on medical school? That's a pretty heavy duty experience, in fact, some of those programs are so stressful that they are soul changing. If you are not fully 'in', meaning fully engaged in supporting her through the process, she will likely be changed by the experience in such a way that you are left behind. Its not so much that she will have upgraded herself beyond you, but rather, she will have gone through a traumatic experience that she will not have shared with you, and she will begin to believe that you cannot understand (unless you have been to medical school too). I am not a doctor, but have a high stress career, and when the support is not there or not what it feels like it needs to be, its easy for the relationship to fall apart.
 

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You need to do some snooping because... IF she is entertaining thoughts of someone else and follows through, 1-you may be 100% through with her or 2-

you may still want to save the M. A lot hinges on this. Asking her point blank may get you the answer but be wary.... if they are in the "fog" they will lie

to you, almost every time. Just work on yourself and give her all the space she wants. If she wants to get in contact with you, she knows how.

But I would recommend if she does move out, you may very well deem this as the death blow to the M. Let her know there are consequences.

As Zillard stated, moving out is a strong indication there is someone else. When my XW started coming home on the weekends but not during the week

(this lasted 3-4 weeks), it gave me the time to detach and I decided "walking out on the M was enough for me to say, it is over."

When she returned home every night straight from work, she would chatterbox me about everything.... but the M. That was all I

wanted to hear about, the rest was garbage. Halfway through the 60 day wait for D, I left a non-negotiable on coffee table.

Two weeks before D final, I made her show her hand. It was what I thought it to be... and it nailed the coffin shut.

Do I know if she ever cheated, no I don't but walking out on me.... was the ultimate betrayal.

Check out these links and if you have questions about snooping (tech) view Weightlifters thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
 
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Discussion Starter #20
Right now I am still paying our bills as in cell phone and car insurance. I stayed in the house she's staying at her moms. It's been almost 2 weeks so I think it's to early for me to go the route of totally cutting her off. But how long do I wait before I finally ask what are we doing? Where is this going? I keep hearing that I should give her the space right now but then I'm hearing that I need to flat out ask her if there's anyone else she's seeing? I don't know what to do.
 
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