[xyz000]

I have been married for a little over 4 years. We have a great relationship outside of the sexual aspect. In the past 2 years, we might have had sex 12 times. We've had conversation after conversation about it, but nothing ever changes.

I don't know where the problem is coming from. He says he doesn't either. He seems to prefer masturbating rather than making any effort to have intercourse with me. This has gone on so long that I'd honestly rather masturbate too.

Years of barely having any intimacy have left me feeling undesirable, unattractive (which I know I am very attractive), and like all of my sexuality has been sucked out of me.

I need to feel wanted. I need to feel some passion. And I feel none of that anymore. I'm not really even sexually attracted to him anymore because there is no sex. I still love him, but something is missing and I don't know where it went.

I've tried dressing up in lingerie and initiating which does work, but I can't do that several times a week. I feel it shouldn't be just my responsibility. I need some effort from him as well. I tend to play off of my partner, and him giving me nothing makes me want to give nothing.

I know I only mention what I need and what I want, but that's because I don't know what he needs or wants. He has said that he thinks mutual masturbation will open me up (because apparently this problem only exists on my side) and he thinks it will bring us closer.... here's the thing: we have sex so little that I don't even feel sexually comfortable with him. If sex feels awkward because of the lack thereof, how on earth would I feel comfortable masturbating in front of him?

I don't know how many more ways I can be straight up with him about my feelings. I am always the one who brings this up meaning I want sex.

I'm at a loss.

 

[sharkeey]

I know I am very attractive

How can you be so sure?

 

[xyz000]

Well, other than the fact that I think I'm cute and I'm in excellent physical shape with a nice figure -- he compliments me and tells me that I look great. Other men are attracted to me. I don't know how else to expound on it.

 

[sharkeey]

Well, other than the fact that I think I'm cute and I'm in excellent physical shape with a nice figure -- he compliments me and tells me that I look great. Other men are attracted to me.

Forget about what you think that's too subjective, we all live in a world of denial about ourselves, that's just human nature.

Hubby says you look great but he'd rather jerk off than have sex with you so forget his words and look at his actions.

How do other men show they're attracted to you? Because they tell you that you look great too?

All I'm saying is that there's a reason that hubby no longer wants to have sex with you.

Something has changed. It might be you, it might not be you.

 

[xyz000]

You're absolutely right. Something has changed. I do not believe it is my looks. In our marriage, I look better than I did when we got married, and he has let himself go. Yes, other people tell me I am attractive.

I'd love to know why he'd rather masturbate than initiate sex with me. I'd like to think it isn't just about looks. I still think he is cute even though he doesn't look the way he did in the beginning.

Other than that, any ideas? Because I really need some ideas/suggestions/advice/commentary. Anything really.

 

[appletree]

Sexual problems are always a sign for other problems. It can have a myriad of reasons. Depending on what's the case you might need some counselling. From my experience I suggest to avoid a behavioural psychologist, more someone who works differently. \
Other than that I can say that you might simply think yourself or with your partner what has changed in your relationship at the time your sex life halted? What has changed outside your relationship? Did a family member die? Rather than trying to get sex I would try to work out these issues. Looks are only one thing, but if you don't feel wanted you let yourself go.
To begin you could read Schnarch "intimacy and desire".
You cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself and that might result that your partner will change too, so figure out what did you do for not having sex?

 

[Michael A. Brown]

One common problem that couples do experience is the decreasing of their sex drive. However, there are some supplements now that could help you to boost your sex drive again.

 

[Charmed37]

" here's the thing: we have sex so little that I don't even feel sexually comfortable with him."

xyz-same problem here. I wish I had the fix for this one myself. I been doing some reading but have yet to find and solutions. Maybe others will chime in and offer up some advice on this. I personally don't read to much into "maybe it's your looks" type of advice. I do understand men are visual beings and do take it into consideration but with you it doesn't seem to be the main issue. I'm in better physical shape now than I was when I got married and still deal with not being comfortable because of lack of frequency. Instead of just mentioning what you want, try telling him exactally what you want. I've had some short term success with that but nothing that has lasted more than a couple of weeks.

 

[MaritimeGuy]

Ladies, put the thought of it possibly being about your looks right out of your head. You'd have to be an absolute monster for any properly functioning guy to consistently choose masturbation over sex with you. In which case he wouldn't have married you in the first place.

For the life of me I can't understand how people can feel like their relationship is "wonderful"...except for the sex. To me that is like saying, "I absolutely love my car except for the fact the engine doesn't work". An engine is an intricate part of an automobile. Without it you really don't have a car you have some sort of ill conceived shelter.

Presumably you entered into your relationship with the expectation you would have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. If either party in the relationship reneges on that agreement, to me, that opens up the relationship to renegotiation. Just like if I reserve a specific rental car and when I arrive to pick it up it's not available. At that point I have the option of accepting the alternative they offer me or choosing to go with a whole different rental agency. How I make out of that deal is going to come down to how assertive I am.

I think for those of you not enjoying the sex you want you have to be more assertive. The strongest bargaining position comes from having the ability to walk away. If you're not prepared to do that you pretty much have to accept whatever they offer.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Maritime is correct. You can't unilaterally change the deal.

You don't mention age. Could he have low testosterone? ED?

I would lay it on the line with him...

1 - get a physical to see if there is something wrong
2 - if healthy, marriage counseling to dig deeper, however you have to be prepared to hear issues that may be on his mind that you don't know about.
3 - if nothing physical or mental, then you just have to tell him it's HIS problem to solve, and solve quickly.

 

[xyz000]

Ladies, put the thought of it possibly being about your looks right out of your head. You'd have to be an absolute monster for any properly functioning guy to consistently choose masturbation over sex with you. In which case he wouldn't have married you in the first place.

For the life of me I can't understand how people can feel like their relationship is "wonderful"...except for the sex. To me that is like saying, "I absolutely love my car except for the fact the engine doesn't work". An engine is an intricate part of an automobile. Without it you really don't have a car you have some sort of ill conceived shelter.

Presumably you entered into your relationship with the expectation you would have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. If either party in the relationship reneges on that agreement, to me, that opens up the relationship to renegotiation. Just like if I reserve a specific rental car and when I arrive to pick it up it's not available. At that point I have the option of accepting the alternative they offer me or choosing to go with a whole different rental agency. How I make out of that deal is going to come down to how assertive I am.

I think for those of you not enjoying the sex you want you have to be more assertive. The strongest bargaining position comes from having the ability to walk away. If you're not prepared to do that you pretty much have to accept whatever they offer.

Thank you. I was quite insulted when the first person who commented jumped right to the looks issue. I know that men are visual people, but I have a healthy self image and I know what I look like, and I don't buy that being the reason either.

I suppose I say that because we are wonderful friends, I trust him, love spending time with him, and get along with him better than anyone else I've ever met. He is supportive, loving (not intimate...lol), and I can't picture my life without him. Compared to other relationships I've seen and personally experienced, I'm happy.

As long as I'm willing to live a celibate life. I've done a lot of thinking over the last two years, and I am not ready to threaten to leave. It would be an idle threat. I can't say that won't be the case in another year but .... I almost feel lame for saying I'd leave my marriage because of sex. I know that sex was made for marriage and this is when we are really supposed to be able to enjoy it, so I shouldn't feel lame, but I do.

Thank you for your response.

 

[xyz000]

He is 29.5 and I am 30.

When we dated, he was using steroids and he had a very high sex drive. Ever since he stopped taking them, his drive has been lower. He has considered that maybe this is the issue, but he has not taken any steps to rectifying the situation. I'd like to think that he'd care enough to schedule himself a physical and figure out what's going on. I can't do everything for him.

 

[xyz000]

Sexual problems are always a sign for other problems. It can have a myriad of reasons. Depending on what's the case you might need some counselling. From my experience I suggest to avoid a behavioural psychologist, more someone who works differently. \
Other than that I can say that you might simply think yourself or with your partner what has changed in your relationship at the time your sex life halted? What has changed outside your relationship? Did a family member die? Rather than trying to get sex I would try to work out these issues. Looks are only one thing, but if you don't feel wanted you let yourself go.
To begin you could read Schnarch "intimacy and desire".
You cannot change your partner, you can only change yourself and that might result that your partner will change too, so figure out what did you do for not having sex?

The main thing that happened in the beginning was that my health issues exacerbated and it put a halt on our sex life for a bit. I have a lung disease, and while sick, I get short of breath easily and I became self-conscious about overworking myself during sex. Basically he has told me that I became totally inactive when we would have sex and it turned him off. So for 7 months I kept initiating sex, and he kept rejecting me. Fast forward 2 years, and here we are. He straight up told me that I don't entertain him in bed. So, not realizing that I had gotten that inactive, I started putting in work! He seemed satisfied with that, said that that was obviously not the problem, but not much has changed.

Other than that there haven't been any other issues, and I honestly can't think of any marital issues other than this that are building tension.

 

[xyz000]

" here's the thing: we have sex so little that I don't even feel sexually comfortable with him."

xyz-same problem here. I wish I had the fix for this one myself. I been doing some reading but have yet to find and solutions. Maybe others will chime in and offer up some advice on this. I personally don't read to much into "maybe it's your looks" type of advice. I do understand men are visual beings and do take it into consideration but with you it doesn't seem to be the main issue. I'm in better physical shape now than I was when I got married and still deal with not being comfortable because of lack of frequency. Instead of just mentioning what you want, try telling him exactally what you want. I've had some short term success with that but nothing that has lasted more than a couple of weeks.

I'm so glad you understand what I'm saying there! I'm glad you can relate (although I wish neither of us could relate!). If you figure something out, let me know and I will do the same.

I just need him to put some effort into things. Me putting all of the effort in doesn't make me feel more comfortable nor does it make me feel desired.

 

[Vanquish]

I think masturbation is the problem. Why would a man rather masturbate than have sex? Because masturbation is utterly selfish. All you need to worry about is getting yourself off, with no worry or concern about another's needs.

I'll take you at your word that you are still attractive, but that doesn't matter, because variety is the spice of life. Your husband could possibly get turned on by girls who are less attractive than you, but because they are different, they get him excited.

I think you both need to avoid porn and masturbation. Do a sex challenge, see if you can have sex every day for a week, kind of like a P90X for sex. Even if you just have a quickie, at least you are being intimate together.

After that I suspect you will learn to desire each other. Porn and masturbation will always be a temptation, but you need to avoid it like a drug. It feels good, but ultimately can ruin your life.

 

[Vanquish]

I just read the above post. If having sex could cause my wife physical harm, I'd have a very hard time performing. Your health might be a bigger issue than you realize.

 

[xyz000]

Sex will not cause physical harm. I had a really bad year in the beginning. Now I run several times a week, workout, have a full-time career, part-time graduate student, and am currently training for a half-marathon.

I am fine to have sex and have shown that multiple times. That year caught me off guard which is why I became self conscious. It's been 3 years since then.

I was really hoping the health issue wasn't the problem. It's a chronic illness and is incurable. It would actually hurt me more if this is the reason because it's the one thing I have no control over.

 

[A++]

Other men are attracted to me.

What is that supposed to mean?

 

[xyz000]

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that other men have told me that I am attractive. I have never had a hard time picking up guys (pre-marriage).

It's pretty easy to tell when guys find you attractive.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Vanquish]

Is he confident that you are able to have sex without posing a great health risk?