[forever_young]

My hubby walked out on me 9 months ago now leaving me pregnant with our 2nd child. We were together for 6 years.
While he says he didn't leave for someone else, I know that he's enjoyed his new found bachelor life and the ladies that go with it. He told me his reasons for leaving were that he had been unhappy in the marriage for a few years & that he was not "in love with me anymore".

I love this man so much and believe in our marriage & our family and so here I am. I have conflicting advice - Mort Fertel says not to give your spouse space and others say to give no contact. He shows no sign of wanting to come back yet but I'm still hopeful & in the meantime have really been working on myself & my fixings & focussing on my 2 beautiful kids (3 year old daughter & 10 week old son). He even doesn't want to talk to me on the phone & has said that we are to communicate through text/email only. I am not faultless in our marriage breakdown but at the same time, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring our relationship & family back together.

Is there any advice out there to encourage him coming home to us? Any help/advice would be appreciated!

 

[Henri]

Hi
I don't have children, but my gut feeling when I read this from a male perspective is it is escapism. If so then you cannot change much, he needs to change. He may tire of repeating his bachelorhood or he may see what he is doing and repent/return to you.

A harsher reply would be "he cannot have his cake and eat it too". So push him away, take the children and deny him access. That is hard and perhaps not applicable, but that is basically the 'cake'. He might need to see he cannot have the benefits of a father and still be without responsiblities. I know he doesn't want to talk to you, so perhaps if you build a wall he might start to see that the tide has changed. What if you found a lover? (This is a question not something I support morally).

What do you think is needed personally?

 

[forever_young]

It definitely feels like he's "having his cake & eating it" type situation.

Made me so angry the other day as in writing he seems like a good dad - he wrote me an email saying that he was "beside himself & sad" that he doesn't get to spend much time with our newborn son, but then when he came to pick up our daughter for her sleepover at his, I answered the door holding our son & he didn't even give his son a 2nd look let alone asked to see him/hold him. He has declined every opportunity I've given him to spend time with his boy.

Unfortunately I can't stop him from seeing the kids & if I tried he would take me to court which would be unpleasant fore everyone.

He's so disconnected from everyone that knows him at the moment - he's deleted all of his friends from fb (the ones that are mutual friends with me) - even people that have known him for 20+ years. He's really been looking after his personal appearance (which I hear is pretty normal in these situations) & he's got all these new friends - he's basically just reinvented his whole life and shut me out completely.

 

[This is me]

Take Mort Fertels or anyones advice with a grain of salt. I bought Morts book and thought it was a great formula, but she didn't. My wife needed space for 4 months and then came back.

I think you need to find what works best for you. What worked for me was doing the 180 the best I could, combined with MC and personal support for my own sanity.

The book that I reread over and over was Divorce Busting. This helped me plot my course of action with my hope to save the marriage.

If there is an ounce of hope work with it, if not you may have to set a date to move on. After 3 months of seperaton I told her we were going to have to move one way or the other. Limboland was not were I wanted to be anymore.

I wish you well!

 

[forever_young]

Thanks for that - I've actually been using a lot of this time to really work on me & becoming a better person in all my relationships - not just as a wife but a mother, daughter, sister & friend. Lots of people told me that I shouldn't put my life on hold waiting for him but to be honest, my life is so busy around my 2 small children that I don't have time to meet anyone - and also, I have zero desire what-so-ever for a relationship with anyone else.

The hardest part really is that he has done everything in his power to try to squash my hope & refuses to budge at all in his decision. He won't let his guard down for a second.

I guess I want to know if there is anything that I should be doing - am I not doing something right? I hear of most husbands at some point regretting their decision whether it takes months or years - but he's just so stubborn!

 

[Mistys dad]

Hi
I don't have children, but my gut feeling when I read this from a male perspective is it is escapism. If so then you cannot change much, he needs to change. He may tire of repeating his bachelorhood or he may see what he is doing and repent/return to you.

A harsher reply would be "he cannot have his cake and eat it too". So push him away, take the children and deny him access. That is hard and perhaps not applicable, but that is basically the 'cake'. He might need to see he cannot have the benefits of a father and still be without responsiblities. I know he doesn't want to talk to you, so perhaps if you build a wall he might start to see that the tide has changed. What if you found a lover? (This is a question not something I support morally).

What do you think is needed personally?

You would deny a man access to his children?

For what?

You have got to be kidding me.

That is evil advise.

 

[This is me]

Patience is the key. Sounds like you are on the right path. I remember thinking the same thing about the stubborn wall up attitude. Just be the best you can be and they will change one way or another in their own time.

180!

 

[This is me]

You would deny a man access to his children?

For what?

You have got to be kidding me.

That is evil advise.

Yep! Again, take advice with a grain of salt.

 

[forever_young]

I've definitely been working on my patience as I will be really honest & say that it has not been one of my strengths in the past.

I want my kids to have a great relationship with their father & I've set clear guidelines with him about how much of his 'new life' he exposes them to - especially our daughter as she is absorbing everything around her. It took him 8 months of really mucking us around & unable to commit to regular days when he could see her & then I finally asked a mediator to write him an email specifying which days I wanted him to take her. Which is so hard for me to do but I put myself aside in the hope that he would see how important it is for our little girl to continue to see her dad.

I was even prepared to have him present at the birth of our son but he instead decided to go overseas & see a girl that he has been having an online fling with & have an expensive holiday with her. When I told him he was cutting it close to the baby's due date, he told me that I was being ridiculous & that nothing was going to happen......sure enough, what happened? Our son was born 10 days early & hubby was still o'seas on his way home & got a text from my friend saying, "congratulations, you have a healthy son just born".

I have asked him to help me with the kids a couple of times where it has been a bit hard for me & he has denied me the helping hand saying that he only wants to help by taking them away & back to his place when really all I need sometimes is an extra pair of hands at bath time!

 

[ronin5573]

Op I very sorry that your going through this. As a matter of fact Im going through some of the same things with my wife. I do know how you feel... Helpless and lost. Everyone here will tell you to take care of your kids and to take care of yourself. That might not make sence to you now. But realize this, it might be the only thing that you can work on. I get kind of upset to hear this. Has a great wife and great family and wants out. He Im sure has his own set of problems. The 180 is the thing you need to do..

 

[Couleur]

I don't think he's coming back -- 9 months, cutting himself off from former friends, asking you to communicate only in writing. I know it's not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry.

I echo the previous replies that focus on continuing to take care of yourself. Keep on doing the 180, but not with the expectation that he will come back, but rather because it will make you happier and (when you are ready to date again) help you to find someone more deserving.

I think there's a whole mess of parenting issues that need to be worked out -- formally/ legally. Have you filed for divorce? It might be time to do that.