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Discussion Starter #1
Is it bad that when my counselor asks me about my support system, I mention TAM...

My mother passed back in 04.... she was my best friend,, I went to her with everything, as I was the baby, and she spoiled me,, but I in turn took care of her, while battling her cancer.. I miss being able to turn to her,, even if it is just for a hug, or an "I understand" look.

I have 2 sisters, but we just talk "general",, they know some of what's going on, but not in the deep of things.

I have 2 women at work that I am close with, 1 especially as we work together almost everyday.. she is my confidant.. I tell her everything, she rarely advises me on what to do, she is more like Conrad,,, she makes a statement to make me think.. too observe from a distance.

My daughter is supporting me also, but she also talks with my H,, as he is more of a dad to her than her biological father,,( I just worry he's gonna abandon her in the end though)... So, I don't divulge much personal info to her as I should,,, but in a way , I don't totally trust her to keep it "between us".. I know how manipulative my H can be...

So, I know I may get on people's nerves on here,, but it's my only release sometimes.. I apologize if I do.

I have an appt set up at a womens shelter for, to see if I'm eligible for their services for group counseling. Hopefully this will give me more of a support system as well.

My H's family doesn't even respond to emails or anything to me anymore.. I"m sure I've become the bad guy for not giving him another chance,, and as much as I connected with his mother after mine passed,, it hurts to have to disconnect with her and his 3 sisters...

So, sorry this was so long,, but was feeling a bit "alone" today,, so thought I'd just journal it out...
 

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Hi, I'm curious to know what exactly you are looking to get from this situation?
What may be the best ideal situation for you?
 

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I completely understand feeling 'alone'. I have no support system either. Except message boards like this one. This is the only 'therapy' I get. It helps some. My husband was my best friend and the only one I turned to when I was in need but since his betrayal I feel like I have no one to talk to now. Don't feel like you have to apologize. You aren't bothering anyone. Just know you aren't alone here.
 

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Is it bad that when my counselor asks me about my support system, I mention TAM....
That's not bad at all. I think it's that way for many of us -- myself, included. :)

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your sisters and confidant don't allow you more of a supported feeling and that your relationship with your daughter is potentially suspect given the situation. However, I think it's really great that you recognize where your boundaries are in these relationships because it frees to to seek support in likelier places. You've got your head screwed on straight. This is a good thing.

So, I know I may get on people's nerves on here,, but it's my only release sometimes.. I apologize if I do.
The forum is designed for that kind of release and feedback, I think. If someone finds a post annoying, it's a simple mouse click or finger swipe to move past it, so don't apologize! Just be you.

I have an appt set up at a womens shelter for, to see if I'm eligible for their services for group counseling. Hopefully this will give me more of a support system as well.
This is an excellent idea. Keep us posted about how it works out for you. I'm wishing you luck and fruitful connections with people so that you can feel a sense of support in the flesh as well as in cyberspace. :)

My H's family doesn't even respond to emails or anything to me anymore.. I"m sure I've become the bad guy for not giving him another chance,, and as much as I connected with his mother after mine passed,, it hurts to have to disconnect with her and his 3 sisters...

So, sorry this was so long,, but was feeling a bit "alone" today,, so thought I'd just journal it out...
Detaching hurts. It may not be that they vilify you but that they don't know how to be in your life in this way. Loyalties get divided and it is awkward to continue your connections with your former in laws because both of you will feel like your loyalties are divided in confusing and conflicted ways. You may miss them, but maybe when years pass, you might be able to get along with them as acquaintances. When we marry, we take on our in-laws as family, too, and it does hurt to lose those connections. I can sympathize with you on that one, as well. Just know that you're going through a typical kind of emotion for detachment.

Journal away. People will respond if they think they have something to say that will be useful. If not, at least you're getting it out there instead of letting it fester!

Hang in there! Life will get better, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
 
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The plus side of TAM is that you get a lot of opinions and they can be fairly unbiased.

The down side is that posters really don't know your situation, can't immediately probe your comments to get more detail so they may be posting somewhat in the blind.

My therapist also asked if I had a support system. I don't (other than my therapist and TAM) and neither does my wife and I think that does create issues.
 

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I completely understand feeling 'alone'. I have no support system either. Except message boards like this one. This is the only 'therapy' I get. It helps some. My husband was my best friend and the only one I turned to when I was in need but since his betrayal I feel like I have no one to talk to now. Don't feel like you have to apologize. You aren't bothering anyone. Just know you aren't alone here.
I'm glad you found TAM. I'm always sad for those people I know who don't even know about it and have to go through their marriage problems without the benefit of so many different perspectives. Maybe they have different forums, but, I always wonder if I should tell them about his one and sometimes I do. I suppose many people have more immediately available networks of support, thought.

Betrayal really just sucks, doesn't it? Simply and completely. :(
Do you have any other friends nearby or any means to make a community for yourself at all? Yoga Group, Book Club, or anything like that? It might help to feel like there are others nearby that you could reach out to. I know that's not always so feasible, though, but, I have found that when I'm feeling isolated, it helps just to be around people sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you, it has helped a lot getting advice here, and just reading others stories.

I am feeling quite anxious about meeting with the DV counselor tomorrow. I might write out any questions I have, and list things my H has said and/or done. This will make it easier to recall things.. since I know I will be very nervous.

It definitely makes it hard when we don't have that outlet to vent. I have googled some other forums, but when I see that the last post was made months ago,, I can see it doesn't get utilized very often...

With TAM you can log on any time of day 24/7 and "someone" is on here... that's comforting.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Well the rant for the day...

I got home from meeting with the DV center to set up my times to start group counseling..

I happen to look on our Verizon account, and see that he was texting back and forth with my friend. So, I text her and ask her what he was talking to her about. She said that he started off seeing if she was having a good week,, that led to asking her if she felt our marriage was over or not? That he was so worried he was going to lose me.

I started shaking immediately... he has his mother and stepdad, 3 sisters, and many friends that he talks to all day long while out on the road... and he sees his IC every 2 weeks.

I have 3 women that I talk to, other than my IC, and that's it.( And TAM) I don't talk to his family or friends about us, heck, I don't talk to them at all... So why does he feel the need to stay in contact with the few friends I have... he should know that she has my back ( my 2 kids are with her brother),, we consider ourselves SIL's...

About a month ago, tried to say that he doesn't trust when I go over to her house, saying that he is worried she would have other people over (men),, trying to fix me up..

I am tempted to text him, telling him he needs to not put her in the middle of us.. trying to get info from her.. I don't try to call his friends to cause issues.. But I feel this will let him know that he can mentally get to me.
Thoughts????
 

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He must know that she is someone you open up to. He sounds desperate. Feel a bit sorry for your friend...an awkward position for her.

She could just say to him " I am numbs friend first and foremost and I feel very uncomfortable discussing her and what she has confided in me behind her back...with YOU. So stop it!"

As far as support... friendship and support can come in many forms.. RL friends and family, counselor, co-workers, a phone buddy, TAM, chat groups, professional caregiver etc... I think they are all wonderful as each offer a different perspective.

I also find comfort can be found in other things too like my dog Arney...he loves me in that loyal doggy way no matter how crap his or my day was. Special places can also uplift you. I have a lovely beach nearby that holds wonderful childhood memories of my own and my childrens. I always feel uplifted when I've had a walk along the hide tide mark and found some cool piece of driftwood or a pretty shell. I think the place feeds my soul.

Where do you know of that you go for a walk or spend some time? Somewhere you love to go to.

I say grab any comfort or support you can...in any shape or form that it comes in.

It's all good :smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thank you waiwera,, that helps.

I do have a dog and a cat (and a stray cat outside),,

I took a small nap today and as I was waking up, my cat came walking up my lap, onto my chest, wanting me to pet his head and ears... it relaxes you with their complete loyalty to you.

I need to get myself out more, taking the dog on walks.. I need to give myself a kick in the rear to get moving. I need to quit letting him keep me in a shell. In fact my friend just texted me and wanted to know if I am interested in going to the STIX concert on Oct 13th... I told her yes, as long as I can work it out with work.... :)

I go out here and there, but I always just long to be sitting here on the couch, being depressed.

I have been on vacation this week, yet with appointments, I have had to be on the go every day so far.. which I suppose is a good thing.
My daughter is having her own issues with her boyfriend, so she has been staying the night here with me.. so we have our routine shows we watch,, and will snack and laugh.. so that will give me a release for tonight. Yet in the back of my mind,, I have my doubts of trust with her, as I know he talks to her 5-10 times a day.. and he is able to keep tabs on me through her.. I know how he works..

But I need to quit fearing and living my days around him.. as long as he knows he can "get to me",, he will continue.
So, tomorrow is going to be my day to get up, rearrange my bedroom, and living room... and make it a "me" day..

I'm going to make a pot of chili, and try to stay motivated and positive the whole day..

Thank you for the post,, I smiled while reading it..
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Had my first DV group support session tonight, and I think I'm going to really enjoy it, (under the conditions of having to go)... I didn't share any today with it being my first time there, yet listening to some of the other women talking about their situations helped me see that I can relate to their feelings and situations.

It will be a couple sessions till I will comfortable sharing, it's easier talking about things here, when you don't have to look at someone, let alone a group of people, face to face.

I'm hoping I will build more self confidence in doing so soon.
 
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