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Discussion Starter #1
Hi all,
I have been off here a while but still come back and lurk every once in a while. I will say it gets frustrating when folks assume and don't ask questions before flinging bad advise on these forums. Please consider what you write as emotionally distraught people could make life decisions based upon your incomplete observations.

After 31 years of marriage, we are calling it quits. We tried to make it work, but we have been living in separate bedrooms for 2 years and I see little hope of that changing. She won't get a job, won't stop spending, and just sees my faults. I struggled as a Christian with Biblical rationale to divorce. However, I think she has compromised her own standards by staying with someone who was unfaithful (12 years ago). She was scared and that motivated her to stay. Fear is a terrible reason to stay with a person. About a month ago, she saw my internet accountability report where I was searching for help with Christian divorce. She asked me if I was still considering divorce, and I told her yes as I just feel trapped. She said let's work toward divorce then. Since that time, I have a sense of peace.

I do still love her and probably always will, but I can't live with her. If I continue I will grow to hate her. For her sake and mine, I think divorce is best. To alleviate her concerns I told her I will take care of her financially; she can have 2/3 of my take home pay. I don't really have a problem with that as I can live (and thrive) fairly cheaply, but almost all my friends are telling me this is a mistake. I know that she won't be able to live on 2/3 the pay as she quite honestly is shopaholic. However, that will be her deal. I don't want to give lawyers a ton of money to work out the details. I want us to agree upon a plan and take it to a lawyer to enact. Thoughts? Am I enabling or loving?
Thanks in advance,
Tim
 

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I guess you do whatever makes you both happy though you should ensure that she cannot come after you for more money later. Ensure you have it all tied up legally. Though i do not understand why you want to give her 2/3, guilt? What happens if you meet someone else, you may want to have a meaningful life you can afford with her, there will be life after divorce, do you intend to spend it alone?
 

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Guilt is a powerful thing, especially to us Christians. I understand where you are coming from. I had to give my marriage my all, even though I filled for divorce he gave me no choice and I am free from guilt because of that.

I should of ended it years ago, but it’s the guilt and doing the right thing that stopped me.

I think that your wife is taking advantage of your kindness and good nature. And remember that God knows your heart.

I don’t know what the right answer is for you. But you can take care of her post divorce anyway you want, but make sure that it’s not something your legally obligated to. Be selfish and fight for everything with minimal spousal support etc. then if you want to help her out more, you can do that.
 

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I struggled as a Christian with Biblical rationale to divorce.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 years ? Sexual refusal was an old testament ground for divorce, personally, I believe it still is. I can certainly understand your struggle. A major component of this may have been your unfaithfulness.

Am I enabling or loving?
I say enabling. You probably have been enabling for 3 decades. If her unwillingness to work, accompanied by her spendthrift, has been the general rule through 31 years of marriage, I think the courts will side with her, like they usually do. And, for your sake, it will be very unfair.
 

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If you can live on 1/3rd then so can she. Personally I think giving her 1/3rd seems more than fair, then she can get a job if she wants more. After all she does need to finally grow up and learn that money doesn't grow on trees and if she wants more she will have to look for work.
Also make sure that if she marries again or lives with someone permanantly, the payment stops or is greatly reduced.
Its best to get this done legally though, make sure there are no loopholes. You could even agree to 1/2 for 6 months to enable her to have time to get work, and then reduce it to 1/3rd after that. Otherwise yes I do think you are enabling her over spending.
Also wont she need to work to build up a pension for her old age?

Think of the future, if you do ever meet another lady, how would she feel if you give the majority of your wages to a person who doean't work and spends too much? What happens when you retire?

As for the Christian aspect, talk to your pastor and talk to God. Make sure its what God wants for you.
 

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Sounds like you made your share of mistakes in the marriage. But I would not let guilt drive decisions that you may later regret. Christ forgives ours sins and you need to forgive yourself. Having said that, I would not offer 2/3 of your pay since that will put an undue burden on you going forward.

I don't know what state you live in, but usually a divorce is 50/50 of martial property (personal belongings like furniture, cars, etc....and also an equal split of your finances at the time of separation). However, it sounds like what you are talking about is in the form of alimony since it's in addition to spitting your current assets. Alimony usually runs for a period of time, based on how long you were married, how much you made, how much your wife made. And once that time period is over (say 5 years), you are no longer obligated to financially assist her. I understand your guilt, but do you really want to live on 1/3 of what you make, while she enjoys the fruits of your labor...shopping as much as she wants, never getting a job...until the day you die? I think that's an arrangement you will quickly regret once divorced. I would talk to a lawyer and see what they think is fair from an alimony aspect. Good luck.
 

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So you are going to enable her? I get that you feel guilty. But she is an adult. Adults provide for themselves. Maybe start with 2/3 and decrease the amount given over a few years, that way she has time to adjust. Personally, I would not go over 50/50. Because after you are divorced....it is YOUR money not the two of you.
Good luck.
 

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"For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.

And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right. If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him. Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother."

Seems the Bible is pretty clear. If she wants to eat she's going to have to get a job like the rest of us. You are not obligated to support a grown adult with a spending problem. It's on her to learn to live within her means.

I'd giver her no more than the law in your jurisdiction says she is legally entitled to.
 

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Hi all,
I have been off here a while but still come back and lurk every once in a while. I will say it gets frustrating when folks assume and don't ask questions before flinging bad advise on these forums. Please consider what you write as emotionally distraught people could make life decisions based upon your incomplete observations.

After 31 years of marriage, we are calling it quits. We tried to make it work, but we have been living in separate bedrooms for 2 years and I see little hope of that changing. She won't get a job, won't stop spending, and just sees my faults. I struggled as a Christian with Biblical rationale to divorce. However, I think she has compromised her own standards by staying with someone who was unfaithful (12 years ago). She was scared and that motivated her to stay. Fear is a terrible reason to stay with a person. About a month ago, she saw my internet accountability report where I was searching for help with Christian divorce. She asked me if I was still considering divorce, and I told her yes as I just feel trapped. She said let's work toward divorce then. Since that time, I have a sense of peace.

I do still love her and probably always will, but I can't live with her. If I continue I will grow to hate her. For her sake and mine, I think divorce is best. To alleviate her concerns I told her I will take care of her financially; she can have 2/3 of my take home pay. I don't really have a problem with that as I can live (and thrive) fairly cheaply, but almost all my friends are telling me this is a mistake. I know that she won't be able to live on 2/3 the pay as she quite honestly is shopaholic. However, that will be her deal. I don't want to give lawyers a ton of money to work out the details. I want us to agree upon a plan and take it to a lawyer to enact. Thoughts? Am I enabling or loving?
Thanks in advance,
Tim
Only offer spousal support in the amount required by the state you live.
 

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To answer your question, YES you are enabling her.

She has a spending addiction and you are making it worse with your "Self imposed Guilt".

You think you are doing the right thing, but you are crippling her by allowing her to continue.

And what if she marries the next sucker that she finds and she will keep all the money you gave her...

Yes YOU ARE ENABLING HER... Actually doing harm to her...
 

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To answer your question, YES you are enabling her.
She has a spending addiction and you are making it worse with your "Self imposed Guilt".
You think you are doing the right thing, but you are crippling her by allowing her to continue.
And what if she marries the next sucker that she finds and she will keep all the money you gave her...
Yes YOU ARE ENABLING HER... Actually doing harm to her...
Correct. Being generous isn't always the right thing to do.
 

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When you said "take care of your ex-wife" my first thought was well, that's one way to go. Kind of permanent and risky, not recommended, but hey it's your life.

😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣
 

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So you'll live in a studio apartment with the hottest IKEA furniture from 2014. And tell any women you hope to date that your XW had the better attorney?

And she'll still spend herself into bankruptcy with 2/3 of your paycheck? Is it after or before taxes by the way?
So you're only delaying her inevitable declaration of bankruptcy?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 years ? Sexual refusal was an old testament ground for divorce, personally, I believe it still is. I can certainly understand your struggle. A major component of this may have been your unfaithfulness.

Can you cite a scripture to back up that claim?

Thanks,
Tim
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I appreciate the comments, some more than others. WTH is with some of you people who feel the need to ridicule others who come seeking help? Oh well, that's your issue.
It's not guilt motivating me to take care of her and my kids. It might be a warped sense of being a provider. I am still considering the best option going forward.
She talked to a mediator and I am meeting with the mediator on Tuesday. The mediator wants $5K - that seems really high for a deal we are in agreement on. Thoughts on that?

Thanks,
Tim
 

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You need to read up on mediated divorce and divorce in general. See books recommended here: Let's talk about lawyers

Did she meet with the mediator already?
 
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