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Discussion Starter #1
hi me and my fiance have been together 4 years
2 years ago i discovered a message he sent t0 anothe married women talking about sex stuff and flirting . he swore to me that he didnt ment anything by it and it was to trick her as she done it to other blokes and he wanted to tell her husband once he had enough evidences.
i believed him then but did find it hard to forget what i had seen at the time and to trust him .
a few weeks back i went on his facebook page as i felt something wasnt right he was talking about sex toys and quick one in showers with his friend (girl)
i spoke to him about it he got upset saying i shouldnt check up on him and they were only having a laugh as thats the way he jokes with friends apparently
ever since those 2 times he has done this i find it hard to trust him and cannot help it than to check his messages on facebook all the time (we live in same house but have got 2 computers )
i love him with all my heart he proposed twice this year and treats me like a queen
i just don't know how to cope with this anymore
i want to trust him but same time so scared that he is doing this again even knowing he keep saying that it was a joke and ment nothing by it
he apologise so many times for this and really feels bad
is it just me being paranoid ?? will i ever be able to forget the messages i have seen in the past ??
i wanted to seek a marriage therapist but he doesnt want to as he said there is nothing wrong with our relationship
i feel so lost and upset we have 2 beautiful kids together
i feel so hurt inside i feel like screaming but he is my world
i really need some help thank you
 

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If you are having these trust issues, then indeed there is something wrong with your relationship. Don't let him talk you out of that. I'll make two points.

1. Even if he's telling the truth about his "flirting", it is disrespectful to you. The fact that it bothers you should make him stop immediately. If it doesn't then you know how much he respects you.

2. Proposing twice is a smokescreen for avoiding what is perhaps the most important issue in a marriage, trust.
 

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What you are feeling is perfectly valid in your case. I don't care what kind of "friend" she is, your fiance has no business flirting with anyone about sexual matters except you, period. What he should be doing is spending his time with you planning your future together and not involving himself with other women in any way that could raise any questions about his committment to you.

He has very poor boundaries and is completely disrespecting you and your relationship. Don't let him just brush it off as innocent because it isn't. If you are going into a marriage with a deficit of trust, then there are going to be bigger issues down the road. It always begins with "we're just friends and jokng around" and usually winds up being much more. I'm saying this from my experience from having an EA (emotional affair) myself.

Nip it in the bud and tell him that in order for you to truly trust him, he needs to stop the inappropriate behavior immediately. The only issue now is that since he knows that you are checking up on him, he might move his actions "underground" or he might have a wake-up call and do what's right.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #5
thanks everyone for taking the time to reply it means a lot to be able to talk to someone that can understand
he is always telling me how sorry he is for the way he was acting
ever since that day he stopped all contact with this girl (friend) i told him i dont mind him to be friend with her but those kind of convesations is really hurtful
i even ask him this :
HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF I TALKED LIKE THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE
and his reply was that yes in deed he wouldnt have liked it and would have been hurt by it
he keep saying that it doesnt want to hurt me at all and that if for any reason someome start talking like this again he will delete this persone or avoid the subject
maybe he is truly sincere about feeling upset about what he did
but myself find it so hard not to be so paranoid about this
dont get me wrong i am not proud of myself for reading is messaged on facebook i know its totally wrong but a part of me just cant help it until i know 100% that what he is saying is the truth
before i met him i was married for 10 years he was violent towards me and had a secret affair for over 3 years
maybe a part of me cannot put the past behind and probably got me more protective over myself
dont get me wrong my fiance is a brilliant bloke and for once in my life i am really happy
i just wish there was a way i could know for sure everything he said is true
he keep saying i dont trust him and i did told him that ever since the 1st time he was talking about sex with that girl i find it hard to forget and it brings me back in my past with my ex hisband
i just wish he would agree to come with me to see a marriage counciller (sorry for the spellling ) but he as got social phobia and doesnt like talking to people face to face + he told me that he would be to embaressed to tell someone what he as done
so just no sure what to think or do
xxx
 

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sorry to say that this does not bode well for a marriage


he says you don't trust him

well duh, he's given you plenty good reason not to


the real question is it worth getting married to him?
and to answer that question I have a few for you-

will he learn from this transgression and disrespecting boundaries or will he just look to sweep it under the rug with no consequences and likely do it again?

his actions right now indicate it is the latter. At best he gives you empty apologies and offers no transparency, will not end contact with these women, and doesn't demonstrate true remorse


as painful as this will be I think you should find a better man to marry and be glad that you found this out before getting married.
 
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