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How to forget, even after 30 yrs. husbands 3 year affair?

  • How to handle PTSD?

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  • How to get love back after 30 yrs. after affair ended?

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  • Why I can't even stand to look at husband who totally changed our life after 25 yrs. of marriage?

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  • I'm 75 yrs. old, poor health and not sure if I can do it along?

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Discussion Starter #1
Hi To Everyone who doesn't want to be here,

I was a member many years ago and now have come back again. My husband had an affair during our 25 years of marriage, right before our 25th. Anniversary. I found out because the other women's husband mailed me a copy of the love letter/cards that he had sent her.

To say I was shocked, was an understandment. I loved him so much, thought we had a wonderful and happy marriage, only to find out that he had been seeing a co-worker for over 3 yrs. Even had us together at her home for a Christmas party, drinks together with other co-workers. I didn't see the signs as I totally trusted him. He was always home, but maybe a little later than usual, but in his job that wasn't unusual. Looking back on it after my discovery, I can not see some subtitle signs, but trust and love cause you not to pick up on those things.

I have struggled like you can't believe for the past 30 yrs. and tried to make it work and he has also, but in the beginning, counseling didn't do anything to help him see how back he had been. Even now, he thinks that it is ridiculous that I am still thinking about it and move on and quit ruining our life. We are both 75 and my health isn't good and hasn't been for a few yrs.

Anyway, we moved out of the city that we had lived in for 47 yrs. and started life over again in a city that is close to our other daughter. I thought we could start over and try and forget the past. I have tried, but I can't get her out of my mind and the things they did together. I don't feel anything for him anymore as hard as I try. I don't want him touching me, etc. Now I don't know what to do. We are in a new home, he loves it here, I'm in a state of depression, panic attacks and can hardly get out of the house. I have major health problems that require possible surgery and have affected my life greatly. I'm going to try and find a counselor tomorrow to talk to. Just remembered this group and need some advice. I have a granddaughter who is graduating from Med School in 6 weeks and getting married the week after that. I just want to go off and live by myself, but we just paid cash for this beautiful home in a retirement community and that would mean selling it and splitting things down the middle. So many questions, but I can't go on in this life of present much longer. Not sure if this is what ya'll said, when you said to introduce yourself, so sorry if I did it wrong. I just need help to get through this or to leave. Just don't know what else to do. Thanks for listening,
Maxine37
Was on here, I believe in 2011 for several years. I think my name then, was Granny7. It's a wonderful place to go when you need to vent or read other's stories and learn from them. Also try to help others on here and receive help.
 

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I'd like to say welcome back, but sorry you are having troubles.

Is this your old account? https://talkaboutmarriage.com/members/granny7.html

Take a look at it, if it is I could merge your new and old accounts together. We prefer that each person only have one account.
Let me know.

I'm not reading your post right now because I have to get off this computer and get some sleep. I'll be up all night if I read it :) I'm sure others will be along shortly.
 

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This is why so many people end a marriage after an affair. The damage it does is so enormous that its often impossible to remain married.
I know that I would loose all respect for any man who cheated on me, and trust, and without that what do you have? I doubt I would be able to ever have sex with him again either.

The fact that HE thinks you should have got over it and everything should be fine means nothing. You are NOT fine and the damage it did still remains. You don't want any physical contact, you don't love him and you want to go and live by yourself. Staying with him is making you ill. So the answer seems clear, do it while you still can.

Yes I am sure it will help to talk to someone, but you seem sure that this life together isn't what you want any more. Can you afford to live elsewhere until the home is sold? Do your children know of your deep unhappiness and you wanting to be on your own?

I honestly don't think you have PSTD, that diagnosis is used far too often these days, but what happened is still so painful.

Can I also mention forgiveness. Forgiving him(and her) doesn't mean that you should stay with him, but its SO important for your own well being and physical and mental health.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Hi EleGirl,

I tried to use the same name, password, etc. and it kept bouncing me out. I didn't know what else to do, besides opening up a new one. I would have preferred to stay with the old one. Not sure if the e-mail address was the same? I will have to check what it was back then.

Thanks Maxine37
 

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Hi EleGirl,

I tried to use the same name, password, etc. and it kept bouncing me out. I didn't know what else to do, besides opening up a new one. I would have preferred to stay with the old one. Not sure if the e-mail address was the same? I will have to check what it was back then.

Thanks Maxine37
Ok, this will take 2 steps,

#1. I will merge your old account into this new account.

#2. I will then rename this account to Granny7.

That way you can log in as Granny7 with your new password and email.
 
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