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Discussion Starter #21
The point is that you do have value.....far more then you think.

You've a young woman with your whole life ahead of you and much to offer.

FYI, I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 after having stayed at home for 5 years.

It can be done. I did it and so can you.

Their father was also military and he had to pay his CS. ...the military made sure of it. If you get any alimony they'll make sure you get that too. He didn't cheat but he was abusive, and I get the military dynamic.

Today I'm an actuary and 100% self sufficient, and my boys are almost grown and doing great....both are very close to me, but they also see their dad.

Take your life back. And that 40 pounds you speak of? It may fix itself when you're free of the guy who treats you poorly.
Thanks girl. That gives me hope! I’m definitely having fear of the of known but I know I’m not the only one who is/has gone through this. Thanks for the encouraging words.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was.

His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.
That’s the thing! He thinks I won’t leave and thus far, I’ve shown him exactly that. I wanted to hear others opinion and honestly, I thank everyone! I will keep everyone updated. I’m
 

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How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was.

His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.
Show him AND your children. This is a terrible environment for your kids, and the dynamic they are learning is pure dysfunction. Whats the saying...? Better having come from a broken home than having to live in one.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
How much would you have to dislike your 'husband' to treat him like he treats you? Change is truly difficult, but not changing is diminishing you and setting a bad example for your family. You love what you thought he was.

His blaming you for the choices he makes shows what a loser he is. Do not let him get away with this trash. He doesn't think you have what it takes to leave--show him. He'd likely just find another maid and housekeeper as it is all about HIM.
Show him AND your children. This is a terrible environment for your kids, and the dynamic they are learning is pure dysfunction. Whats the saying...? Better having come from a broken home than having to live in one.
You’re absolutely right. The more I read here, the stronger I get and have the confidence that I can do this. Thank you.
 

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Never let him blame his cheating on you. Does he think he is a dog who can't resist the pheromones of a female dog? He has a brain, and he can use it. If he is so unhappy, then he should divorce you...but wait, he's not even married to you!

See a lawyer and learn your rights. Then divorce him. Your children will resent you for staying, they won't admire you for keeping them in a miserable environment.

Do you have family that you and your children can live with while you get on your feet?

There are men who love women who have curves. Find one after you leave the dog.
 

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The response your having is not an uncommon one so don't believe something is wrong with you. Your like many people that resign to their situation
just to keep the peace and not face the war. The problems is this will slowly erode everything inside of you.
This...so much this!!!!!!!!! Read it again and again if you have to...because it is very true. I stayed for many many years and I can't convey the amount of damage it did to my soul. You are young and healthy. It's a perfect time to start over!!!

Never let him blame his cheating on you.
See a lawyer and learn your rights. Then divorce him. Your children will resent you for staying, they won't admire you for keeping them in a miserable environment.

There are men who love women who have curves. Find one after you leave the dog.
Also very true. His cheating is HIS fault 100%. Never accept from him again that it is your fault.

And your children will survive the divorce. They will admire you for not letting yourself be treated so poorly. You don't want to model poor behavior to your kids...making them think cheating is okay or it's okay for someone to treat themr so poorly.

And yes, there are plenty of guys out there who like a curvy woman. But if you're unhappy at your weight, now is the time to do something about it...exercise and eat better and stick to those new habits. I promise you, it will only get more difficult as you get older.
 

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Discussion Starter #27
Never let him blame his cheating on you. Does he think he is a dog who can't resist the pheromones of a female dog? He has a brain, and he can use it. If he is so unhappy, then he should divorce you...but wait, he's not even married to you!

See a lawyer and learn your rights. Then divorce him. Your children will resent you for staying, they won't admire you for keeping them in a miserable environment.

Do you have family that you and your children can live with while you get on your feet?

There are men who love women who have curves. Find one after you leave the dog.
I’m actually with family right now because he’s on deployment. He recently received orders and will be moving back to the US. I’ve voiced my concerns as to us( me and the boys) joining him on his next duty station. I want to stay here and get a job and start going to school while I have the help from family. While he is hesitant, he thinks it’s a good idea. So this divorce might be happening sooner than expected.
 

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I’m actually with family right now because he’s on deployment. He recently received orders and will be moving back to the US. I’ve voiced my concerns as to us( me and the boys) joining him on his next duty station. I want to stay here and get a job and start going to school while I have the help from family. While he is hesitant, he thinks it’s a good idea. So this divorce might be happening sooner than expected.
GREAT that you have family to support you during this. I'm wondering if he is NOT thinking about you getting divorced. He is probably thinking "cool, she stays there and I get to extend my playing around". He may NOT be thinking about divorce at all. YOU however can plan, get everything in place, and THEN hit him with it.
 

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For the record, my 18 year old son recently brought his 18 year old female "friend" ( not sure what their deal is but I try not to butt in) over for dinner because she's having issues at home and he thought a strong woman like his mom could talk to her.

We did talk for a couple of hours and she seemed much better after. She told me he talks about me all the time.

My kids watched me stand up and build my career while always taking care of them and they respect it. And they appreciate that I never bashed their dad....I simply told them it wasn't a good matgh but we were glad to have them.

They love him and he loves them, but they know what and what he is.

Stand up and be an example for your kids.
 

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For the record, my 18 year old son recently brought his 18 year old female "friend" ( not sure what their deal is but I try not to butt in) over for dinner because she's having issues at home and he thought a strong woman like his mom could talk to her.

We did talk for a couple of hours and she seemed much better after. She told me he talks about me all the time.

My kids watched me stand up and build my career while always taking care of them and they respect it. And they appreciate that I never bashed their dad....I simply told them it wasn't a good matgh but we were glad to have them.

They love him and he loves them, but they know what and what he is.

Stand up and be an example for your kids.
That's exactly how I feel about my Mom. My Dad was not a cheater, but he was an alcoholic and he did not treat my Mom well. I couldn't be prouder of her for standing on her own, raising three kids, getting it done and living a really satisfying life after she left him. And she did it all without ever trashing him or talking badly about him to me. She always showed him kindness and respect after their divorce and never asked me to choose between them. My Mom was the bomb.

You sound like you're the bomb too!!!! :) @SuddenlySeekingSolace...you could be the bomb too...I know it!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #32
Thanks girl. That gives me hope! I’m definitely having fear of the of known but I know I’m not the only one who is/has gone through this. Thanks for the encouraging words.
You're welcome <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" >:)</a>

Feel free to PM me if you are interested in talking privately.
I will definitely do that! Thank you!
 

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Discussion Starter #33
For the record, my 18 year old son recently brought his 18 year old female "friend" ( not sure what their deal is but I try not to butt in) over for dinner because she's having issues at home and he thought a strong woman like his mom could talk to her.

We did talk for a couple of hours and she seemed much better after. She told me he talks about me all the time.

My kids watched me stand up and build my career while always taking care of them and they respect it. And they appreciate that I never bashed their dad....I simply told them it wasn't a good matgh but we were glad to have them.

They love him and he loves them, but they know what and what he is.

Stand up and be an example for your kids.
That's exactly how I feel about my Mom. My Dad was not a cheater, but he was an alcoholic and he did not treat my Mom well. I couldn't be prouder of her for standing on her own, raising three kids, getting it done and living a really satisfying life after she left him. And she did it all without ever trashing him or talking badly about him to me. She always showed him kindness and respect after their divorce and never asked me to choose between them. My Mom was the bomb.

You sound like you're the bomb too!!!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" >:)</a> @SuddenlySeekingSolace...you could be the bomb too...I know it!!!!!
Thank you Notmyjaime. Your words are very encouraging. I can hope to be as strong as your mother. I will keep everyone updated.
 

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He may NOT be thinking about divorce at all.
Of course he's not. These serial cheaters don't cheat to CHANGE their current situation at home. They cheat to ADD to it. They do it for the extra.

From my own experience as well as having seen it many times over in my lifetime and having read it over and over on message boards, serial cheaters seem to prefer having the wife and kids and family dog and picket fence to come home to every night. A lot of these guys ARE 'great' dads (with respect to interacting with their kids) and do enjoy spending time with the family, etc. etc.

They like having a home base, a 'center' to their lives, and having a wife who provides them with all the creature comforts of home (clean house, hot meals, clean laundry, keeping the family running on schedule, children being raised with the absolute minimum work expected from him, being a respected husband and father in the community, etc. etc.). They want all this stuff in their lives but they also want more. They want a separate world where they're able to enjoy having a varied sex life outside their marriage and where they can experience the chase and 'conquer' of new and different women, the thrill of having new and different sex, and the excitement and ego strokes they get from other women desiring them.

And every serial cheater prays to the cheating Gods that these two worlds - their "real life" world with the wife and family and white picket fence and their "play life" world where they get to act single and hit on anything with a heartbeat - never, ever collide. EVER.

But sometimes they do.

So no, the OP's husband very much wants to keep what he's got at home while he continues having his sanctioned playtime outside the marriage. Why would he give up someone whose basically allowed this behavior for years AND have to give up half of his financial holdings (and his scullery maid, cook, laundress, nanny and housekeeper) if he doesn't have to?
 

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Discussion Starter #36
He may NOT be thinking about divorce at all.
Of course he's not. These serial cheaters don't cheat to CHANGE their current situation at home. They cheat to ADD to it. They do it for the extra.

From my own experience as well as having seen it many times over in my lifetime and having read it over and over on message boards, serial cheaters seem to prefer having the wife and kids and family dog and picket fence to come home to every night. A lot of these guys ARE 'great' dads (with respect to interacting with their kids) and do enjoy spending time with the family, etc. etc.

They like having a home base, a 'center' to their lives, and having a wife who provides them with all the creature comforts of home (clean house, hot meals, clean laundry, keeping the family running on schedule, children being raised with the absolute minimum work expected from him, being a respected husband and father in the community, etc. etc.). They want all this stuff in their lives but they also want more. They want a separate world where they're able to enjoy having a varied sex life outside their marriage and where they can experience the chase and 'conquer' of new and different women, the thrill of having new and different sex, and the excitement and ego strokes they get from other women desiring them.

And every serial cheater prays to the cheating Gods that these two worlds - their "real life" world with the wife and family and white picket fence and their "play life" world where they get to act single and hit on anything with a heartbeat - never, ever collide. EVER.

But sometimes they do.

So no, the OP's husband very much wants to keep what he's got at home while he continues having his sanctioned playtime outside the marriage. Why would he give up someone whose basically allowed this behavior for years AND have to give up half of his financial holdings (and his scullery maid, cook, laundress, nanny and housekeeper) if he doesn't have to?
This is very true! As of yesterday I made up my mind that I’m not going to follow his to his next duty station. I’m looking for a job now and will start school soon. Before I tell him about wanting a divorce, I need to get a little bit more stable on my part. Knowing him, he will try to hurt me financially by not supporting us.

Being on the his forum and hearing everyone’s feedback has made me so much stronger. I know now that I can do this. I’m very dependent on him and I hate that I let myself get this way. Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. You all have been so helpful.
 
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