[SecretTears]

My partner of 12+ years left me this morning. We didn't have the best relationship for the last couple of years, with a failing business and he cheated on me, which I discovered 18 months ago.

We have been going through counseling and I thought we were making good progress but this morning, BAM, he dropped the bomb saying he feels too guilty about the business and the affair that he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

He does not want to go to counseling, does not want to work on it, just wants to leave. I totally did not see this coming! (even yesterday we were planning our next vacation in February) He was so calm and even seemed relieved, it seems like he has been thinking about this for a while.

I cried and cried and cried and I am in so much shock. I don't know what to do. I spoke to a couple of friends, which felt good but I don't know what to do right now or even what I am supposed to be doing. It feels like my brain is paralyzed. Any suggestions on articles or websites or things I can do that can help set me on a path to independence? I know this will be a very long process but I am at square 0 and I don't even know where Square 1 is.

 

[BigMac]

Sorry to see you here , please start immediately 180 - The Healing Heart: The 180

Be strong and write here , we're here to help each other !

 

[lostinspaces]

Welcome to TAM and sorry you have joined our little section of the community.

The 180 is a good place to start as it asks you to focus on you. That is indeed the first place to start. You can't change the significant other's mind ... Only they can. Focus on you and they will either come around, or they won't. Either way you'll be in a healthier place (and do you really want a cheater back?)

The other thing that has helped me and that I highly recommend is some counseling. We all have issues to work on and definitely have some new ones resulting from our new situations. And hell... I leave feeling better and feeling like I know what I need to focus on.

 

[whitehawk]

Yeah very sorry to hear it it's not pretty I only know too well.
I got hit with it 3mths ago and she moved out exactly one mth ago. Together 18yrs, married 12ish. Just bought a house 15mths ago after 5yrs of hell in a new area to get it., won't go on about all that but !!

It is the shock I know , I'm still in the house and see her plants and trees she'd planted , her rock garden , painting , stuff she bought's still here. I've been pretty well numb a lot of the time. Lifes been full on to though especially now sorting out all our crap but in a way I had no choice but to go on with it all to sort this part of the mess . In a way that's all sorta helped and I'm really proud of myself for getting through it so far and coping with all this stuff to.
Gotta be the ugliest time of my life to b honest , ugly , heartbreaking and so confusing .
I wouldn't call my end the 180 thing really but I have had to sort our mess and stay in there , plus groceries , bills , cooking , I'm really bad at all that stuff- so bord with my cooking to already , can't cook and don't wanna learn to either
I really miss hers , and all her caring around the place through the house, seeing her or her coming in the door. It's so hard to comprehend that that gorgeous little smiley face of hers has done this to us and my daughter , the shock is unbearable sometimes . It really is such a shock to your everything !
But I bought a new sound system , love my music . Going on with the house and renovations , working and kicking back whenever I f'g well feel like it to till all hrs of day or night - or when the hell ever . I answer to no one now , so it's not all bad . We don't realize being married just how much effort and trouble we go to day to day accommodating each other so that's all out the door and I accommodate myself for once now - don't mind that idea for awhile at least anyway.

Hang in there , one day at a time , big hug.

 

[Nsweet]

What!? He feels so guilty about the business and affair that he doesn't want to be with you anymore? Just seems kinda coincidential he would want to leave so sudden, but if he's telling the truth I can understand why.

He's probably feeling like a failure right now and has bad self esteem. What he told you he wanted he does need "Time and space" to deal with his depression, but more than anything I bet he want you to be supportinve of him in whatever he wants. Agree with him leaving and cheer him on towars his feel good venture. Chances are he'll want to come back if you're always happy and make him feel good about talking to you.

And btw a spouce having an affair and feeling terrible about it. You've, got a better opportunity than most of us who have been cheated on. At least he came clean and told you instead of lying to the last day of your marriage. I also have to wonder if he's really depressed because of the business or if that was the result of him feeling heartbroken over the affair ending which he hasn't dealt with on his own yet - on his own without blaming others for his pain.

 

[oncehisangel]

or my personal fav "its not you. its me." damn straight it is...


sorry your here honey. Its nothing short of a whirlwind going trough your soul..isnt it?i

Time to get tough now. Big breaths... make sure you put food in your mouth...even when you don't feel like it.

You'll need it for strength.

The 180 is for you...for you to get better. But cry when you need to-let it out..and go hang with your friends a lot.

You will be ok. x

Lean on us.

 

[SecretTears]

Thank you all for the advice and words of encouragement and thank you whitehawk for sharing your story. I'm in shock too but also as you say I just have to think about me now and not accomodate the other person. Like last night he asked me if I was going to cook dinner!!! HE** NO! I went out to grab a bit ad left him to fend for himself ha ha.

I know about the 180 unfortunately had to do it before - getting good at it by now

I know he was sincere about why he is leaving, when he told me I saw the relief in his face - it is like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders. It comforts me to know that he is in a slightly better place even though it hurts me so much.

Funny thing though I don't think I want him back - at least not in his depressed and guilty state. I am just mourning all our memories together, we basically grew up together and now it feels like all these years of my life are gone because we shared almost everything - he is the only witness to all that.

So part of me hopes that he can get help and we can be back together but a larger part of me thinks this is really the end

I haven't even told my mother yet or my best friend. It hurts too much right now. We also live together so it is really awkward. Need to start thinking about moving out but it is all too over whelming now.

Going to see my therapist today followed by a massage. Really looking forward to both.
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[whitehawk]

yeah , guess if u don't want him back like that it's gotta help u a little anyway , that's something strong for u at least .
i was depressed a lot to , resentful, and for a long time. once again with time to think now , i see how hard i was on her and on my side why it's all come about.
but even so , i do know i still love her but i don't know what i want now either.

 

[sharkeey]

he dropped the bomb saying he feels too guilty about the business and the affair that he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

He does not want to go to counseling, does not want to work on it, just wants to leave.

He's just not into you anymore and possibly he reignited the affair or he never stopped the affair or he's got someone new.

All that stuff about him feeling guilty about the affair is just a lame attempt to deflect from the real reasons because he paradoxically doesn't want to hurt you by telling you the real reasons.

 

[RandomDude]

It feels like my brain is paralyzed.

I know the feeling...

I'm going through the same thing, at first I was paralysed as well, then I went through a bit of semi-psychopathy with my emotions/thoughts all over the place, then I calmed down.

I found it helps to focus on a new routine as soon as possible and keep yourself busy and your mind off things until you are more emotionally stable. You have to find yourself back, picking up all the little pieces left everywhere, and bring yourself back together.

Hang in there

 

[Ostera]

He does not want to go to counseling, does not want to work on it, just wants to leave. I totally did not see this coming! (even yesterday we were planning our next vacation in February)

I got blindsided too. On Sept. 21st I dropped my wife off at her daughters apartment (we car pooled to work) and everything seemed fine. We kissed and I went on my way. Two hours later tried to call, no answer. She never came home. Looked at my phone and she had deleted every one of my in-laws-numbers and step kids. Came home on October 15th and everything she owned was gone. She left me with all the bills, etc. I called her work and she said that she didn't care if I could make the bills or not, said it wasn't her problem. She blocked my cellphone etc. I found out through a mutual acquaintence she had planned this for 2 months... she gamed me big time.. hang in there, you are probably better off.

 

[Nsweet]

I got blindsided too. On Sept. 21st I dropped my wife off at her daughters apartment (we car pooled to work) and everything seemed fine. We kissed and I went on my way. Two hours later tried to call, no answer. She never came home. Looked at my phone and she had deleted every one of my in-laws-numbers and step kids. Came home on October 15th and everything she owned was gone. She left me with all the bills, etc. I called her work and she said that she didn't care if I could make the bills or not, said it wasn't her problem. She blocked my cellphone etc. I found out through a mutual acquaintence she had planned this for 2 months... she gamed me big time.. hang in there, you are probably better off.

I've been through this superstorm, and I know of this game very well. Excep I was left, deleted, and had false charges filed because she was "afraid" of her gentle never physically abusive husband. If you want your wife to soften and be friendly again you're going to need to empathize with her pain and let her know you understand her. Trust me on this one!

You have to let the dust settle for at least a month first and make no excuses to call her for anything other than child visitation. Whatever you do, DO NOT GET NEEDY! You'll need this time anyways to maybe get a roomate to help with bills or move into a smaller crappier apartment.

When she finally does soften up, and she will over time, you can defuse her by agreeing with her and apologizing for whatever god aweful piss poor excuse she had to leave you in the first place. Tell her something like "I understand why you had to leave me, working on us would have been impossible. I'm sorry I was such a ________ husband. "..... and then it helps to ask for forgiveness but doesn't always make you look like a confident man. So instead I would recommend you say something about how you will be ok and fake indifference.

I know you're probably shaking your fist in anger at this right now, but you have to try it for yourself to see. You can try this sort of thing on any woman who's pissed beyond belief at you and she'll stop bashing you. The reason is because you agree with her, you side with her, and doing those two things you take away her fuel needed to bash you with whatever emotional reasoning she's morphed into facts. In short (and I always repeat this so memorize it) you wife feels like you've emotionally damaged her, so she contorts this feelings around even the slightest responsibility on her part and confuses feelings with facts. Or as I heard it "You hurt me!" Which became "You abused me" which became "Here's a TRS jerk!".

Again it's not the end of the world but you will need to practice some psychology here to keep you from possible being locked up for false charges including child molestation. I'm not accusing you or trying to joke...... there are some women who during divorce will take their children to doctors or shrinks and not leave until they get documented evidence that you did the crime they want you to be guilty of. And it could be anything as slight as a small UTI on a little girl or a little boy making up storries for McDonalds.

^^^^^ This is why you always want to document,document,document. It also helps to put some time in for local charities and workout for that halo-effect so you have dicumented proof you are a good man and people who can testify on your behalf that you wouldn't hurt your children or your wife under any circumstances. But I'm not through here yet...... You might want to think about visitation drop-offs and pickups at the local police station where there are tons of cameras and shopping with a credit card - also getting receipts for small things every now and then and smiling at each and every store camera. Oh, and it would be a great idea to pick up a camera/voice recording wrist watch for future meetings. That way you can just press record and capture up to 5+ hrs of the actual conversations.

Keep fighting the good fight. I'm routing for you!

 

[SecretTears]

So I went to see my therapist on Monday. she said I needed to talk to him to a) tell him what I want and b) discuss our living arrangement. My ex (it feels so weird to say that ) comes home on Monday night and invites me for dinner Tuesday. Yesterday I was a wreck all day and finally we went for supper. Lots of chit chat at supper. It was super awkward weird and uncomfortable. After supper he asked what I wanted to talk about? :scratchhead: he is the one who invited me for dinner!

Anyway fortunately I had my script that I developed with my therapist. I said I did not want our relationship to end and how long has he been thinking about leaving. He said he's been thinking about it for a few months. He said he needs space and time to think about what to do. So I told him I am moving out and he started to cry. I am angry at him for sending the mixed message and keeping me "on the hook" but I am also very sad of course that our relationship is really over

How could I have been so wrong about "us"? After the affair I thought we could get through anything. He is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ever since we started dating.

 

[lostinspaces]

The mixed messages will continue... And I'm pretty sure they aren't even intentional. Like many of ours, your ex is confused and trying to sort out life. It is impossible to cut emotional ties with someone so close to you so easily (although as evidenced above, some fake it very well).

They try to be strong themselves and then have moments of doubt or even just moments where they are nice to try to avoid hurting you. Hell my stbxw swore she want still seeing the posOM and when I caught her in the lies I was "just for breakfast or lunch" since they are friends. Last time she rented a hotel ... What is the point of lying now? All I can come up with is to protect feelings.

It's hard to look someone who has been so important in your life in the eye and say something that you know will hurt them.

 

[BigMac]

Totally agree with Lost ! Just wanna and the GUILT they feel , especially when they face the " moving out " reality !

and this :

So I told him I am moving out and he started to cry.

made my day !!! :smthumbup:


Great job ST , continue doing what you're doing !

 

[SecretTears]

Thank you lostinspaces that sounds very reasonable. I don't think he is doing it on purpose or even realizing it. It's really annoying because he texts me 10 times a day about very mundane stuff or jokes that will make me laugh, yesterday I replied to one and not the others. Today I re-read the 180 and it says I'm not supposed to be cold... oops!

Thanksgiving party with friends this evening and I move out tomorrow, can't come soon enough. Had a total breakdown this morning when I woke up, crying and sobbing and couldn't breathe until I thought I would pass out (fortunately he was not home to hear), there are too many reminders in this house and him being around is the biggest reminder.

 

[lostinspaces]

Yes, being in the same house makes it much worse. I move out next week, but fortunately with work travels we will only see each other about 2 days. Congrats on moving out.

The texts are tough as they drag your mind back. After replying to one this morning, I've decided to leave minding the other room and not to check it until this evening. My friends would call if they wanted to talk, and I'd hear that.

As for the mornings, for some reason they are the worst for me too. Maybe I'll research that when I'm bored later, but I would guess it either has to do with leftover emotions from dreams, or low blood sugar. Just recognize that the mornings are bad for reasons beyond your control and that you will feel better given some time.

 

[SecretTears]

So I moved out today. One day later than planned. Walked in the door last night ready to do the deed and Mr ST was in the middle of cooking me dinner! WTH! I didn't have the heart to say no so I stayed. We just chit chatted the whole evening. it was weird. I feel like he was just using me for companionship.

Anyway so today he went to work and I packed some of my stuff and left him a note to tell him I left and to call when he was either ready to talk about our relationship or when he wants to move out the rest of my stuff. I cried when I moved into my friends place but now strangely I am ok. I think I am just numb, exhausted and reality hasn't hit me yet. Hopefully I can sleep through the night tonight and tomorrow can go by fast so I cam be busy back at work on Monday.
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[lostinspaces]

You are doing great Secret. You probably didn't need the note, but you are on the right track. Let him chase you. You may find you are happier on your own, and the only way to know that is to try it.

The cooking dinner may be a guilt thing. Or maybe just trying to keep you on the hook. If there is one thing I'm learning, it is that analyzing why won't make a difference. You can never know their motives or what is going through their head.

Someone way wiser than me (unfortunately I forgot who) recently quoted "life is too short to spend on people that suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you".

 

[SecretTears]

My goal this week is to go at least 1 week NC. It will be hard. Ex texted me last night and we went for dinner. Why why why do I agree to see him?:banghead: I have to be less nice. I don't want to hurt him but why do I think like that since he hurt me? Any tips on resisting his invitations? Should I lie or be straight up that we shouldn't see each other or do whatever it takes to maintain NC?

I also need to start telling people we broke up. I live in a very small town and my/our friends here will find out. I haven't even told my mother . So far I only told 2 friends that live in another town. I don't want anyone to pity me or have that "look" on their face when I tell them. Actually I don't want them to say anything about it, no matter how well meaning. Any tips?