I'm posting this thread fully knowing that it will be controversial. I'm prepared to duck 2X4's so lay on if you feel the need. First, let me say that, had I the knowledge that I acquired from this forum, I would have taken a different path. If you look at my previous posts, you will find some discrepancy in the timeline. That was deliberate to protect anonymity. Dates are approximate. I apologize for the length of the story.
Now to my story. My wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary in 2003. We went on our dream trip. People thought that we were newlyweds by our behavior. That year, she also went back to college to pursue her second degree. In 2004 things became a little strained. I was under a lot of stress at work, and having to work extra hours, as we had lost a partner. She was spending a lot of time at school and staying late to study. I chalked it up to the circumstances and believed we'd get it back to normal soon. You know the rest of the story. We were both changing clothes in our walk-in closet when I saw the passion mark on her neck. I questioned her about it. She didn't miss a beat, and simply said that I had done it. Not true; we hadn't been intimate in over a week. We had family visiting downstairs, and I chose not to create a confrontation at that time. My personality is that of a high achiever: "the buck stops here, failure is not an option, the captain of the ship is ultimately responsible," that sort of thinking. So I let the weekend pass until the relatives left. During that time I mulled over the situation, and concluded that this must have been all my fault. I became depressed. I considered suicide. I decided that I could not live with my failure, and came up with a plan. It was to look like an accident, which is really fairly easy, since as an outdoorsman, I have often seen accidents narrowly averted. On two occasions I almost went through with it. I was found out, and my plan was prevented. I hooked up with a very good therapist, who encouraged me to start meditation, and I read a lot of books on infidelity and how to recover one's self esteem. During this time I actually confronted my wife, and was met with denial and gas lighting. By then the signs of the affair were long over, and I had no way to confirm with evidence. During the years that followed I continued to get my act together (wish I'd done that 30 years earlier). We actually had discussions of infidelity in the abstract, regarding the how's, why's, and collateral damage of such a destructive decision. But she never actually admitted it. I stayed with her because I loved her, and because I did not want to inflict my pain on my children. I arrived at a peaceful state of mind.
Which brings me to today, and the topic of my thread. A week ago, we were having a conversation, and she remarked, " I want to thank you for not leaving me." I knew at that point, that if I wanted to get the full truth, that was the moment. But I made a decision. I am happy with my life. I have moved past all the pain and confusion of those years. The only thing to be gained, would be to allow her to assuage her guilt. I chose to let that moment pass.
Now to my story. My wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary in 2003. We went on our dream trip. People thought that we were newlyweds by our behavior. That year, she also went back to college to pursue her second degree. In 2004 things became a little strained. I was under a lot of stress at work, and having to work extra hours, as we had lost a partner. She was spending a lot of time at school and staying late to study. I chalked it up to the circumstances and believed we'd get it back to normal soon. You know the rest of the story. We were both changing clothes in our walk-in closet when I saw the passion mark on her neck. I questioned her about it. She didn't miss a beat, and simply said that I had done it. Not true; we hadn't been intimate in over a week. We had family visiting downstairs, and I chose not to create a confrontation at that time. My personality is that of a high achiever: "the buck stops here, failure is not an option, the captain of the ship is ultimately responsible," that sort of thinking. So I let the weekend pass until the relatives left. During that time I mulled over the situation, and concluded that this must have been all my fault. I became depressed. I considered suicide. I decided that I could not live with my failure, and came up with a plan. It was to look like an accident, which is really fairly easy, since as an outdoorsman, I have often seen accidents narrowly averted. On two occasions I almost went through with it. I was found out, and my plan was prevented. I hooked up with a very good therapist, who encouraged me to start meditation, and I read a lot of books on infidelity and how to recover one's self esteem. During this time I actually confronted my wife, and was met with denial and gas lighting. By then the signs of the affair were long over, and I had no way to confirm with evidence. During the years that followed I continued to get my act together (wish I'd done that 30 years earlier). We actually had discussions of infidelity in the abstract, regarding the how's, why's, and collateral damage of such a destructive decision. But she never actually admitted it. I stayed with her because I loved her, and because I did not want to inflict my pain on my children. I arrived at a peaceful state of mind.
Which brings me to today, and the topic of my thread. A week ago, we were having a conversation, and she remarked, " I want to thank you for not leaving me." I knew at that point, that if I wanted to get the full truth, that was the moment. But I made a decision. I am happy with my life. I have moved past all the pain and confusion of those years. The only thing to be gained, would be to allow her to assuage her guilt. I chose to let that moment pass.
