[anon_now]

Hi,

First post here. I was just curious to see how long a 'typical' 180 takes? I'm into my 3rd month of separation and eventually want to reconcile with my wife.

Day by day, it gets a little easier and I am feeling good about myself. I have 2 daughters that I love more than anything so doing a complete cut-off from my wife is not possible, but I'm doing my best to be cordial and nice but not going after her. I made that mistake for the first 6 weeks and it made no difference. Anyway, just curious for feedback about how long it might take? I know everyone's situations are different.

 

[Couleur]

What's your goal?

Doing the 180 until you are happy with yourself, whether or not your W is part of it? Or do you want to know a timeline for figuring out if reconciliation is possible? If it's the second option then a straight 180 may not be your best option, since you're making it easy for her to move on with her life & not forcing her to make any tough decision.

 

[anon_now]

I would eventually like to reconcile with my wife. She is the one who walked out 3 months ago. She seems to be much nicer and starting to contact me now, but I don't want to read into it too much.

What are some of the other options to a complete 180? I've read a lot of posts and I'm on the fence as to what direction to continue down.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

Where are your kids? How old are they?

 

[anon_now]

I have the house and my wife lives 2.5 miles away. We share them 50/50, every 2 days we switch. They are 6 and 8.

 

[Mark72]

Do you know the real reason she walked out?
Was it a complete shock? Can you look back and see what happened?

 

[anon_now]

Yes, we've been having issues communicating over the past 2 years, she not wanting sex, me not listening, repeat cycle. I was originally going to move out, but deep down, I didn't want to. She was seeking emotional support from a co-worker who is also separated with 3 children and things turned into more than emotional support. I found out and told her she had to move out, so no, it wasn't a surprise. We both made mistakes, we know that. We were in therapy for 9 months, but it didn't help. I blame myself as much as I blame her.

I look back and wish I could see how badly my actions contributed to our separation. I see things much clearer now for me and for my children. I'm changing me, because I'm the only one I can change.

My hope is that one day she'll wake up and see how great our relationship was for the first 14 years. I'm much wiser, more compassionate and understanding than I was even a year ago.

 

[sharkeey]

A successful 180 is one that helps you make positive changes and move on with your life, not to get the other person back, although sometimes that happens anyway.

Since you appear to be using the 180 as a manipulative tool to try to convince your spouse to return to you, not only is that probably not going to work but even if it does it's not a successful 180, it's more like you were successful in acting in such a manner that you were able to convince/manipulate/trick/teach/etc your wife that she's better off with you than without you, regardless of whether or not that happens to be true.

I'm much wiser, more compassionate and understanding than I was even a year ago.

I'm skeptical. You said you did nine months of therapy that didn't do anything.

People rarely change and if they do, it takes a lot of time, new life experiences, behavior modification, competent therapy, etc.

To exactly what do you attribute this relatively rapid change within yourself that has suddenly brought you to this new level of wisdom, compassion and understanding - other than you trying to do anything to get your wife back because you realize you messed up?

 

[Mavash.]

A successful 180 is one that helps you make positive changes and move on with your life, not to get the other person back.

Sadly this is usually true. Unless you do this with full intent of moving on with your life it isn't as effective. And people can always tell. This has to come from inside. To use it as a manipulative tool won't work.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

I have the house and my wife lives 2.5 miles away. We share them 50/50, every 2 days we switch. They are 6 and 8.

That's a pretty good deal. If she wants to go, let her be gone. The appropriate amount of time is somewhere between 3 months and 3 years. Emotionally disconnect from her in as complete a fashion as possible. Work on making yourself a better person. If she sees something she likes, maybe she will come back. Otherwise it wasn't meant to be.

 

[sharkeey]

Sadly this is usually true. Unless you do this with full intent of moving on with your life it isn't as effective. And people can always tell. This has to come from inside. To use it as a manipulative tool won't work.

Sadly it's also usually true that the person really believes they have changed into this whole new better person (typically in a matter of weeks or months -or sometimes even days) and that only if their partner would realize this then things would be just fine and they'd live happily ever after.