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submissive husbands?

16K views 83 replies 21 participants last post by  usmarriedguy 
#1 ·
Do any other ladies out there have husbands who are submissive? This is something that hadn't occurred to me at all until a few years ago. I guess I always knew, but it never really bothered me. However, I want my husband to be more dominant/aggressive now, but it just doesn't happen. Any other ladies have this issue?
 
#2 ·
So you wanted to be the dominant one, and the husband slipped down. Now you want a more aggressive husband?
 
#12 ·
Have you had a direct, transparent conversation with him about this?

Some men are submissive, some are dominant, some are switches, and there is probably a whole spectrum with different levels of each.

If he is a submissive male, I don't think he will change. Can anybody out there verify or disprove this? FW?
 
#16 ·
It would be great if you could both be switchy and take turns, since you do enjoy being dominant in the bedroom sometimes.

But since you say you have brought it up and he doesn't make any direct moves in that direction, you are going to have to have a sit down talk probably...actually probably several talks.

It is hard to ask someone to pull on a whole new thing like "be more dominant"..and it will be hard for him to do it. But it is possible if he wants to be open.

It sounds like so far you have not made it clear enough to him. You will need to be much more assertive.
 
#17 ·
It's all about baby steps...he's not just going to able to jump in that role. Give him some very clear examples. Don't expect him to do them every time. Try to reach a compromise. Maybe tell his, when he his off work on the weekends, maybe he's more rested is when you would like such and such.

I am in a similar situation as my drive is higher than DH. He works killer hours though and I know he is drained. I had to learn to be very direct with what I like and to be patient with him. Oh..and not take things personal.
 
#20 ·
Well I feel this is new for both of us I guess. Our sex life was always "standard" I guess, up until a few years ago. That's when I become more sexual. I bought some toys, and those were a nice addition. However, when we do use them it's usually only when we have the house to ourself, or if it's very heated. If it's on a regular night, I talk about bringing them out, and he says no.
 
#24 ·
I would continue to bring it up every once and awhile, letting him know it is something you want and like. If he has the knowledge and is of the mind to really please you, maybe he'll surprise you now and again. If it's not a deal breaker and you can live without it, rocking the boat until you unseat his confidence or start him down the path to resentment is probably not worth it.

Is there some erotica--written or visual--that you could look at together that might give him some more concrete idea of what you'd like? He might just be at a loss as to how to even get the ball rolling, particularly if it's not his nature.

Good luck!
 
#28 ·
i don't know why, but this "just kidding 10 years later" thing from wives really bothers me. Maybe because i sorta feel like I'm living it.

Unless he is not growing as a person(there is a healthy level needed), these radical changes that people ask thier spouses to do are often unfair. It seems to be a common theme, where you love the spouse you marry, but as people go on, they decide they want something different after investing time, love, money, etc into a relationship.

All people (myself included) should either not get married, or wait until they are 40-45 to get married as they may know what they want by then. It would just be way easier.
 
#37 ·
But Boston, the fact is that people do change. Married or not, we change in response to changed circumstances, to enhanced education and experience, and to plain old wisdom and maturity. In a good marriage, these changes should be able to be shared with a spouse honestly and openly. The problem arises when, for one reason on another, we feel like we can't be honest with our spouses about our true feelings, our evolving feelings, and our changed feelings. Or, as you call it, our "growth."

And when that happens, you just end up with changed behavior from a spouse with no satisfactory explanation given. Would it be better that the OP just stuff her feelings instead of expressing her new and changing needs to her husband, and seeing if he's willing to accommodate?

Wouldn't YOU appreciate knowing what has changed for YOUR wife? The questions isn't whether or not she gave you a "just kidding 10 years later." The question is: Did she know herself better 10 years ago, or does she know herself better now?

We all figure ourselves out as we age, we all come to know ourselves better and to want to not have to pretend or deny our true selves. In good marriages, we trust our spouses enough to share that with them. If your spouse cannot open up to you, could it be because he/she senses you'd feel betrayed instead of gratified?

Just some thoughts . . .
 
#29 ·
If I could tell any wife one thing. Telling your husband anything "subtly". Will never work! Guys do not get it! Hitting them upside the head with a 2x4 then telling them might get there attention, after the third time. Your husband may not be able to change, but you will never know until you get his attention, then TELL him what you want/need.
 
#31 ·
Lol, Hoosier. My dh just said this is all true!
 
#30 ·
Many people change as they age Boston.

Anyway, I suppose it would be hard to change a person who was meek in all aspects of their life.

I am not clear if this applies to your husband lisad45 or rather you are just referring to sex.

Even if he really is very meek, it sounds like you have some fairly good level of communication and a currently positive sex life.

He may just have very low confidence in what he is supposed to do. Maybe he feels doing those things would make him feel foolish and fake.

My suggestion would be like others baby steps but very specific ones. Like: You go sit on the couch and he comes in to the room and tells you to take your cloths off because he wants to take you.

or whatever -that is just an example.

Make it like it is a play. Maybe he does that scene a couple of times until he gets comfortable with his role and then you move on to the next. Make sure you are giving him positive messages.

If he is submissive than it seems to me he will follow your instructions because it is actually you who are controlling the situation. But maybe he will be able to learn how to play that part with some confidence after he has practiced some.
 
#32 ·
What is a submissive man?

I've heard of FLR's and all that entails, is that it?

We sometimes play a bit with her queening me or doing cowgirl, but even then I tend to say stuff that I can't really repeat here to encourage her to grind on me.

How do you do submissive stuff?
 
#40 ·
I'm sorry to be a downer like I've been, lisad, but I think it's better for us to be honest when we post.

I just don't think people's sexuality changes. You are more into sub mode right now, but because you are a switch, you can also move happily back into dominant mode. You have a flexibility not everyone has.

I am glad you can surmise a happy resolution here. Best of luck.:)
 
#46 ·
ok... im going to comment on my experiences as a man who has gone from full submissive to full dominant.

its scary as hell. at first. the truth is, i had absolutely no idea how to be dominant. when i started the journey, i had absolutely no idea how to do it. i still believe that if it were not for my experiences in the Army, i would still be struggling terribly with it. but, i changed. i didnt just change how i act, i changed the way i think. changing the way i think has changed the way i FEEL.

when my wife first introduced this idea to me, i had absolutely no idea how to implement it. it still gets to me from time to time, the feeling that i might fail, but i have developed an attitude of "so what. ill figure it out, NOT going to quit now."

i needed a LOT of examples to figure out what my wife wanted from me. i would ask her to show me something she found hot, an example of something she likes. she would show me a porn clip, i would make an assumption of what it was she wanted, and i was usually wrong at first. conversations were often like this:

me: "oh, so you want me to grab you aggressively and act kinda like an animal?"

her: "sort of, but not really. i want you to take control."

she would show me something else. convo contintues.

me: "so you want me to yell at you and smack you around a little?"

her: "no, i want you to take control."

eventually i figured it out. she wants me to tell her exactly what i want in bed, exactly how i want her to please me. correcting her in bed was not an affront to her performance, it was ASSERTING MY DOMINANCE!

yep, took me a while to figure out exactly what she wanted from me. it was hard on my ego sometimes, to feel like i suck at fulfilling my wife sexually. it took a lot of courage to step outside of my comfort zone. it took a lot of understanding and patience from her.

but i made it. i dont think i would ever want to go back. i know that i can. i know now that i can completely change my personality, even the things that turn me on. but i dont want to. im happier now and so is she. i love leading her.


so yea, your husband can change, but it will never happen unless he has an intense desire to fulfill your needs. he will need a lot of help figuring out how to make that transition. you are actually in the best position to help him with that. if it is important to you, dont give up.

the thing that got me to really want this was the way my wife talked about how incredibly HOT she found it. what she was describing to me was something leagues beyond and far more exciting than anything i had ever experienced.

i thought, if i can make that change, i can give that to her. why the hell would i NOT want that?
 
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#47 ·
I went through a very similar thing. In the end, and at the risk of sounding crude, chicks want to get fu*#@d. Not all the time maybe. But for the most part, for lack of a better word, they want to be used by their husband. Thrown down on the bed and absolutely taken. No ***** footing. no talking (unless its dirty or direction). They want you to grab them and take them the exact way your want them.

Its funny just how familiar your story is. I had/have the same fears of inadequacy. When I do take her, am I going to be enough. Will I last long enough, am i "hot" enough (whatever cluster **** formula women use for determining that ;) ) Is it going to be all that she wanted it to be.
 
#59 ·
That is interesting that you say that, us. I assumed men knew that their wives desired them.
 
#60 · (Edited)
I am pretty sure your man knows that you desire him :smthumbup:

But for Cletus as an example. He is clearly intelligent, thoughtful sensitive to his partner, etc.. His wife enjoys sex once a week.

He knows his wife loves him and desires to have sex with him.

...but he is still missing that feeling.

Boston also (and me also to a lesser extent) and see NewHubs post above.
 
#63 ·
Is it that she never initiates, or that you do not feel desired?

I probably rarely initiate, or that is how it seems to me, but that does not mean I do not feel great desire. Dh does not seem to expect me to initiate, either. I do not think he has ever said one word about it.

How is it taking its toll on you?
 
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#69 ·
Yes, I have talked with her and she has changed slowly.
Last few years though I only try to make changes through positive reinforcement.

"I'm sorry, can I just finish reading this chapter"
I guess that her showing consideration is a positive way to look at it but when she says it like she was being punished and told to go to her room it is a real bummer.

So I just try to encourage her and accept that she is not all that sexual. The problem with talking is that if I suggested that she shows some enthusiasm for sex time she would only view it as a failure on her part and instead of actually trying to "act" more interested she would resent me for asking her to act more interested.

No good can come of that.

It kind of comes down to the same as Miss Scarlet's thread: need-suggestions-how-build-husbands-sexual-confidence

I view it as being to different conditions:
A. There is a major problem and so you have to talk and work something out
B. You would just like your spouse to be a little better in bed

I was at A a few years ago and now I am at B
 
#71 ·
Yes, I have talked with her and she has changed slowly. Set some boundaries and enforce them and she will change much faster.
Last few years though I only try to make changes through positive reinforcement.
The carrot is part of it, and the stick is another.
"I'm sorry, can I just finish reading this chapter"
I guess that her showing consideration is a positive way to look at it but when she says it like she was being punished and told to go to her room it is a real bummer. But you got what you wanted, right? Her feelings, if you are truly attentive and affectionate, should follow.

So I just try to encourage her and accept that she is not all that sexual. The problem with talking is that if I suggested that she shows some enthusiasm for sex time she would only view it as a failure on her part and instead of actually trying to "act" more interested she would resent me for asking her to act more interested. Then talk about the resentment. Ask how it can be solved. What could both of you change about your marriage to make it happier for both of you?

No good can come of that. Open your mind here. Lots of good can come from talking, esp. when it is from the heart. And even more good can come from listening, and truly seeking to understand, and then to be understood.

It kind of comes down to the same as Miss Scarlet's thread: need-suggestions-how-build-husbands-sexual-confidence

I view it as being to different conditions:
A. There is a major problem and so you have to talk and work something out
B. You would just like your spouse to be a little better in bed

I was at A a few years ago and now I am at B Just that? That is all you want? Usually, or at least I would think, a physical relationship springs from an emotional one. Work on the emotional, and the physical should improve all by itself.
 
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