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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I need some serious advice & counseling from impartial parties. I have been dating the love of my life for 5 years, and it has been no easy task. We currently have a bi-coastal relationship and fly back and forth constantly to see eachother. We talk on the phone everyday (like twice a day if not more), and really make it a point to communicate effectively about EVERYTHING! However, the only time we hit a brick wall is when I bring up the topic of progressing into an engagement.

He has stated to me that I am "the one" he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and we have literally gone window shopping for engagement rings. Unfortunately, no proposal, and I am concerned that being in my early thirties (he's in his late twenties-going on thirty); I am cutting my chances for a family the more I am made to wait. I want the opportunity to be selfish with my husband, and have it be the 2 of us for a while before feeling the pressure of starting a family. I have expressed my concerns the last couple of years, but lately I have been more adamant about my feelings, because it seems as though everyone I know around me is either getting married or currently pregnant. This is causing me to ask him more analytical questions about us, and the severity of our relationship in his eyes.

He then gets very annoyed, because he feels like I am interrogating him. Which may be true after I look back on the conversation. Nonetheless, I am at my own mercy to keep it together, and try not to harp on it just so I don't start any unnecessary fights. Tonight....he stated that the turn of events will be that (1) HE will be doing the proposing with a ring (YES....I've been bold to ask him to not bother with a ring). I initially thought that this was the issue. Apparently not! (2) That although he understands that my biological clock is POUNDING (as opposed to slightly ticking).....we will have a beautiful family with time to spare.

I am just concerned that I'll get to a point where the romance, and special feeling of the proposal will be outdone by the reactions of our loved ones saying that "it's about time!!" Therefore...I'll feel like we're doing out of obligation or it's expected.

I am not the type to set ultimatums, but I want to progress in our relationship. Does anyone have any valuable thoughts to share that can help me??
 

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If you aren't willing to take a stand, then nothing will change. Fertility for women declines at 30, and then much more sharply at 35. If having a child is important to you, remember you CAN do it alone, so do not let that be the reason you get married. How old are you?

Of course, he may not be interested in getting married when you live bi-coastally. When/where did you meet? Have you always been apart?

FWIW, hanging on for 5 years waiting for him doesn't make much sense. He thinks he can string you along as long as he chooses, b/c that's what you have let him do. Having you when it happens and being single all the rest of the time may suit him just fine. You may want to give some serious thought to cutting your losses now. If you move on, he may come running--but don't take him back w/o a ring and a date, and an announcement, at the very least. Even better, say you'll be with him if he meets you on the courthouse steps at such and such a time and you will get legally married then. You can have the big ceremony later if you want.
 

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Do you trust him? I ask that because I wonder how much you can take him at his word. He has already told you that he wants to marry you and you’ve even gone ring shopping together. What I’ve bolded below sounds like a hint that it’s coming soon enough. Maybe he just doesn’t want to spoil the surprise?

(1) HE will be doing the proposing with a ring (YES....I've been bold to ask him to not bother with a ring). I initially thought that this was the issue. Apparently not! (2) That although he understands that my biological clock is POUNDING (as opposed to slightly ticking).....we will have a beautiful family with time to spare.
There are two things. The first is that he needs to do this in his own time and you need to respect that. There are a lot of logistics here given your living situation. And you do not want a forced proposal; it can lead to doubts on your end and resentment on his.

The second is that you have every right to draw a line in the sand for yourself. You know what you want and if you’re not getting it by a certain point you should consider moving on.

Bottom line is that you both need to want this at the same time if it’s going to work.


Just an aside, I had a friend whose now husband insisted on dating for a minimum of 5 years before he would even consider discussing marriage because he wanted to really get to know the person he was making a lifetime commitment to. Nine years later (she was 29 he was 32) they got married.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you ladies for your insight. It helps to know a 3rd party perspective. A FRESH EYE...if you will.

To answer your questions....

I am 31 years old...he will be 29 next month, and we haven't been apart the entire time. Due to our careers; we were relocated. Being that the economy and jobs are scarce....we didn't want to say no. He loves to take care of me, and always wants to make sure I am not stressing about anything financially or otherwise.

I know I can trust him. I am not worried at all about our monogomy. He comes from a strong Christian family, and had decided to stay with his family while working where he is in an effort to save up money for a home. His family is not the type to condone infidelity, let alone lying to your mate. His grandparents have been married 50 years and his parents over 30 years. So there is a long history of commitment in his family. Besides that....they LOVE me being with him. They say we're perfect for eachother, and marrying your bestfriend is the best feeling in the world.

You are probably right about him trying to keep the proposal a secret. He may have planned something and I wouldn't be the wiser. We do have a couple vacations planned this summer. Maybe he'll do it then...I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up, but that's when I start to get depressed about the situation all over again. I know I need to take a chill pill, but sometimes staying mum about my emotions isn't easy.

:confused:
 

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My trust question was about trusting his word, not loyalty or infidelity or anything about that. Just trusting his word that he wants to marry you ;) He has given you his word, if you trust it then that’s all that matters. He knows your concerns and he will act (or not) accordingly. There really isn’t much more you can do at this point. It sounds like you two have a very loving and fulfilling relationship which is wonderful, trust that if nothing else.

You might simply have what I call “the marriage bug,” I’ve soooo been there. The marriage bug is when you’ve gotten to that place where you’re ready for the next phase in your life and you want to settle down - NOW and nothing else will suffice. The marriage bug can make you be unreasonable in those expectations though. Don’t let wanting to get married overpower your relationship. Don’t let this become an obsession, it will not be good. Be fair and reasonable and do come up with some sort of limit for yourself.

How long will this living arrangement continue? Was there a pre-planned end date?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
OMG!! I never thought of that. The "marriage bug" probably is to blame. I know I have a great man, and to say the least have been super happy. I just wish I could figure out if what I feel is also in the forefront of his mind.

As for the living arragement...

It was supposed to be short lived, however openings within my employer to easily transfer out of state has been few. He is currently also with a great company that pays well so finding a company out where I am has been difficult. I have thought about quitting and just relocating, but that is so risky in this day and age. My optimism is what keeps me driven and hold out hope that my name will be called for that transfer, but until then....my only option is to sweat it out!!

We will be seeing eachother for Memorial Day weekend, and we are super excited to re-connect!! I can't wait to see his smile. I just worry that my concern will show through despite my attempts of masking it. I don't want my weekend spoiled.
 

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Ha, I’m telling ya, it can be a crazy powerful thing! See if you can work through this a little bit so that you can put the worries aside and have a great Memorial Day weekend together. Of course still address concerns but do so reasonably.

Some things to think about... Why do you need to get married? What will that change? You’re in a loving and committed relationship and there is nothing saying you can’t start a family now (or in a couple years) without the piece of paper. Many people these days are choosing not to get married but still commit to someone for life. Marriage doesn’t increase your chances of staying together, that’s for sure. If you know you’re together for life what difference does the piece of paper make? You really have to ask yourself, what will “being married” change. It will help you get to the root of why you’re feeling this way. For me it stemmed from my own insecurities. What can’t you do now that you would do if you were married? What do you see happening after you get married?

You’re both being very smart in this economy to hold onto your good jobs and it will pay off in the end. It could simply be that you’re anxious to be back together full time and who wouldn’t be?! I’m guessing he feels exactly the same way judging but what he’s told you :) Hang in there!
 
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