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Discussion Starter #1
I’m totally lost and tired of being stuck in limbo.

I’m 10 month from D-day and still don’t know if I should end my end the marriage or struggle through and hope to come out on the other side.

I caught my husband in a 15 month PA with a woman who was a “friend” of mine. He told me lots of lies and it seemed only to admit to what I could prove. We’ve been to MC and he claims that he loves me, has had NC with the OW (that I could find) and says he wants our life together.

Now I don’t know what to do, or how to decide. I’m really not sure if I still love him, I feel disconnected. If anyone has any ideas, I would sincerely appreciate it.
 

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I hadn't seen this thread until I read your OW/OM thread.

Wow! The level of treachery is exponential. I hope you are seeing a competent IC to help restore faith in yourself. You realize that whatever faults you had in your marriage (and we all have them) were no reason for your H to betray you in such a callous way.

For him to carry on without so much as a shred of guilt while she was in your home is unbelievably disrespectful and beyond the pale.

BTW your MC's dismissal of the nature of the betrayal is astoundingly shocking. I suppose the MC is also having you examine your actions which may have precipitated the betrayal. If so, you're better off spending the money on lottery tickets - that way you have a better chance of getting something of value out of that money.

An affair of that length, that nature, and involving two people you trusted is going to take much strength to overcome.

Do you have children? You didn't mention the length of the marriage. If it is recent you just may want to re-evaluate the amount of commitment you're willing to invest in such a high-risk venture.
 

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Part of knowing what to do, is asking yourself how hard your husband is working to rebuild trust. Is he doing everything possible to help you trust? Can he clearly articulate what lead up to the betrayal, and why he would not do it again? How transparent is he being with you and in the marital therapy? Have family or origin issues been explored, as often infidelity is a multigenerational pattern. Rebuilding trust can only happen when the offending spouse makes these issues
his main agenda.
David Olsen, PhD, LMFT
 

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Two people close to you betrayed you for more than a year. Its going to take 10 months to get over it.

You're confused, and have some parts of you leaning over both sides.

I suggest you kick him out or separate and give yourself more time to think.

Currently I think his presence is just one big enigma by having such close proximity to a man who was able to look you in the eyes every day and lie while sleeping with your friend. Also the way they were able to put on a front when around each other.

You need time away from him. With him mostly out of your life it will be MUCH easier to decide if you want your wayward spouses or not.

I was with my toxic SO for more than 4 months and very conflicted. In two weeks after I broke up and had her out I knew that was the best move without her toxin influencing me on a daily basis.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I hadn't seen this thread until I read your OW/OM thread.

Wow! The level of treachery is exponential. I hope you are seeing a competent IC to help restore faith in yourself. You realize that whatever faults you had in your marriage (and we all have them) were no reason for your H to betray you in such a callous way.

For him to carry on without so much as a shred of guilt while she was in your home is unbelievably disrespectful and beyond the pale.

BTW your MC's dismissal of the nature of the betrayal is astoundingly shocking. I suppose the MC is also having you examine your actions which may have precipitated the betrayal. If so, you're better off spending the money on lottery tickets - that way you have a better chance of getting something of value out of that money.

An affair of that length, that nature, and involving two people you trusted is going to take much strength to overcome.

Do you have children? You didn't mention the length of the marriage. If it is recent you just may want to re-evaluate the amount of commitment you're willing to invest in such a high-risk venture.
Hi walkonmars, thank you for your reply. We've been married for 13 years and together for 17. We have two young children aged 10 and 4.

Unfortunately, my kids witnessed a lot of our fighting at the beginning :(. My 10 year old has friends in her class that have parents who are split and she is terrified we are getting divorced. I wanted to "fix it" for them.

Now I realize that in the first few months I was rug sweeping. I wanted my life from before, so I let the MC and my WH steer me along. I joined TAM, but didn't use the resources. Then a few months ago, it was like something in my head switched on and full extent of what they did hit me.

So here I am.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Change your mc now.

We had a terrible one at first and changing has helped me enormously.

Don't worry about time.

A few months either way will not be missed, but your marriage might be.
I have decided that I'm not going to anymore sessions with her.

I've started looking for IC. I don't MC is helping us right now.
 

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Finding the right person for your IC and MC is critical.

First thing I would ask is what are the reasons you want to work it out (beyond the children). There has to be something in this for YOU, not just your children. Children are resilient and can adapt to parents in separate households a lot easier than parents in an unhealthy marriage in the same household.

If there are enough reasons, then it would be worth pursuing the search for a good MC.
 
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I have decided that I'm not going to anymore sessions with her.

I've started looking for IC. I don't MC is helping us right now.
I was so lucky; I looked for and found an IC in desperation just before our MC left me feeling as low as I have ever felt after a "solo" session. She really was a nasty piece of work.

I had a few IC sessions with the new counsellor and then she agreed to see us both together.

We covered more useful ground in that 1st session together than all of the sessions with the previous evil screwed up woman from Hell.

The new counsellor does not have any agenda and does not try to draw a line between our marriage and what my wife did.

I found out after about 5 sessions that her husband had an affair a bit back so it explained how she was so insightful.

Anyway, I felt 100% better after my first session and she has helped tremendously.
 

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Finding the right person for your IC and MC is critical.

First thing I would ask is what are the reasons you want to work it out (beyond the children). There has to be something in this for YOU, not just your children.

Children are resilient and can adapt to parents in separate households a lot easier than parents in an unhealthy marriage in the same household.

If there are enough reasons, then it would be worth pursuing the search for a good MC.
Give this post serious thought. Very serious thought. Children ARE resilient. There's an expression that says:

"It's better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one"

The temporary hurt they'll go through with a divorce is no where NEAR the lasting damage they'll go through living in a divided household.

Temporary hurt can be soothed with a loving parent. Two in fact, they'll just share time with single parents that are more at peace, if not content, with themselves.

Lasting damage will manifest itself in the relationships they choose later in life.


You are doing right in skipping MC for now. Get yourself to IC ASAP.

I'm not advocating divorce. I'm not in your shoes or your circumstances. But from the sidelines I just don't see how anyone can muster the strength to overcome deceit of this magnitude.

Not saying it can't be done. But the energy required must be exhausting. Additionally, you'll probably have to work to make your husband SEE the actual damage that NEEDS to be repaired (by him) to effect a successful marriage.

Peace and strength to you.
 

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Give this post serious thought. Very serious thought. Children ARE resilient. There's an expression that says:

"It's better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one"

The temporary hurt they'll go through with a divorce is no where NEAR the lasting damage they'll go through living in a divided household.

Temporary hurt can be soothed with a loving parent. Two in fact, they'll just share time with single parents that are more at peace, if not content, with themselves.

Lasting damage will manifest itself in the relationships they choose later in life.


You are doing right in skipping MC for now. Get yourself to IC ASAP.

I'm not advocating divorce. I'm not in your shoes or your circumstances. But from the sidelines I just don't see how anyone can muster the strength to overcome deceit of this magnitude.

Not saying it can't be done. But the energy required must be exhausting. Additionally, you'll probably have to work to make your husband SEE the actual damage that NEEDS to be repaired (by him) to effect a successful marriage.

Peace and strength to you.
I don't understand why you would offer this opinion.

Forgive me for being blunt, but it's hardly helpful is it?

My wife and I might well not make it, but 6 months after final DDay and we are still together. Before this, I always said 100% that even a kiss would be grounds for divorce.

I would not ever, however, have shared an opinion that effectively discourages somebody working on their marriage.

To say it "must be exhausting" is a little obvious, but then so is divorce. I have seen more bitter, twisted, exhausted, people as the result of a divorce than I have as the result of overcoming infidelity.

It's not tea at The Ritz for sure, but divorce can be very very painful, expensive, exhausting and life changing. It breaks people and shatters families.

I say to the OP: try to heal. Work on yourself. If your spouse loves you, it might work. Give it a shot. It's hard work, but what isn't that's worth keeping?

Good luck.
 

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I don't understand why you would offer this opinion.

Forgive me for being blunt, but it's hardly helpful is it?

My wife and I might well not make it, but 6 months after final DDay and we are still together. Before this, I always said 100% that even a kiss would be grounds for divorce.

I would not ever, however, have shared an opinion that effectively discourages somebody working on their marriage.

To say it "must be exhausting" is a little obvious, but then so is divorce. I have seen more bitter, twisted, exhausted, people as the result of a divorce than I have as the result of overcoming infidelity.

It's not tea at The Ritz for sure, but divorce can be very very painful, expensive, exhausting and life changing. It breaks people and shatters families.

I say to the OP: try to heal. Work on yourself. If your spouse loves you, it might work. Give it a shot. It's hard work, but what isn't that's worth keeping?

Good luck.
No one is discouraging reconciliation. Simply asking to consider why - if there really ISN'T a reason beyond 'staying together for the kids', then it may not be worth keeping.

If my husband doesn't have those reasons, if he truly thinks it's just 'easier', I would rather go through the pain of divorcing than just be the easy route and raise our son in a home without love and affection.

Having those reasons, knowing them and repeating them on the bad days can really be helpful when you are feeling down.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
Thank you for all of your thoughts. I wish that I had made use of this site sooner.

I know in my head that staying together for kids is not the right thing to do. Up until now I've been pushed along by MC who made me feel like I have to take him back. He is remorseful, and has been doing everything that I ask of him, but I really don't know if it will be enough. I feel like I don't know this man at all.

I was able to find an IC and I have an appointment for next week. I'm hoping that this one will be better.
 
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